Claire’s blog – less alcohol more calmness & choice

Over the last 18 months I have fallen into the cycle of choosing to use alcohol to help me through stressful – and happy ! – times.  I enjoy a glass of wine,  clearly too much,  at the end of the day – never before.  However it is a habit and not healthy.   And I do not function sharply the next day.

My goals are:

• I wanted to stop completely,  but a glass every now and again is my goal
• to control my drinking
• to find another more healthy way to cope with any sress / pleasure.

Day 1

September 2nd 2010 – started the day with my first meeting with John who was wonderful – just as I had expected.  No miracle promises but plenty of sound and interesting common sense information. I had managed to cut down to under half a bottle of wine in the entire last week,  plus two glasses of champagne ( which clearly is not alcohol ) and felt much better in myself by the time I met John.   I’m looking forward to seeing how I go this week and also to looking at the bigger picture over the next few weeks.

Sept. 3rd -

went out for dinner last night with friends.  it was not even difficult just to drink half a glass of wine.  the most interesting thing is that my first session with John was more about the ‘bigger picture.’  ie what may be going on in my life / peoples lives in general that can be improved with simple ‘tools.’ John mentioned recharging an inner battery.  Well – believe me,  that has been so powerful.  My stress levels are down 95% and life has seemed to slow right down despite doing all my usual stuff.  amazing – off for coffee now with a friend.  I anticipate a much calmer weekend than I have had in a long time ( which helps hugely with the alcohol intake ).  Very clever indeed.  John : Horse by my side very often – very calming to have a brand new ‘ friend’ helping me out / very powerful.

Sept 4th – another good night last night.  half a glass of wine and I didn’t miss the rest.  njoyed my food but most of all proud of myself.  horse ‘ on my shoulder’ helping out is reassuring not just regarding drinking ( or not as the case may be ) but in day to day life.  my stress levels are so low I can’t believe it. I ‘re charge my battery’ several times a day and the day is so much more calm .  party today at lunchtime – I would not usually drink at lunch time however and I was not tempted at all.  looking forward to enjoying dinner tonight. I go to sleep now with horse by my side and sleep and wake much calmer.  I am now totally able to switch off from the stress in my business at the momentps – anyone reading who thinks I have a problem now sleeping with animals and turning to them for strength – it’s an image in my mind ( no less worrying ! ).

Sept 5th – another good evening last night.  half a glass of wine AND no whisky despite there being a new bottle in the house.  I can drink half a bottle no problem and it is a favourite.  I never even wanted a glass.  I woke several times in the night – little boy woke me up with bad dreams – and I struggled to get back to sleep.  it was the first time since my session that I had felt the stress that has being filling my life recently.  However I just went through my session with John in my head - the relaxation part – and it gave me the strength and belief to push the stress away ( since half two in the morning is not a time to confront a jerk about the problems he is causing me and my family ! small rant.  calm now.  John has given me some excellent tools and I draw on them constantly.

Sept 7th – didn’t get to write last night – bit of a mad day and plenty to talk about pm with hubby.  however still onlyhalf a glass of wine last night and no temptations. in office today with what should be stress levels at a high – however calm and objective.

Sept 8th – all fine again last night.  half a glass of wine and no temptation to have more.  What seems quite bizarre is that I now do not fancy plain wine or whisky.  Instead I drink sparking wine – I discovered quite by accident a sparking pino grigio ( bought in error ) that is very good indeed.  Anyway for some reason I only want to drink that or similar.  Maybe it is just the bubbles that taste ‘ special.’ Who knows – or cares – if it works. I am looking forward so much to my next session with John.  During the first one it took me 20mins just to get over the shock of turning my phone off and to stop thinking about what I could be doing at work if I was not in his session ( which was in danger of defeating the object ).  I am happy that tomorrow will be much more relaxing from ‘the off’ as I have allocated the slot to John in my ‘diary’ and am encouraged by how effective in so many ways the last session was.  Can’t manage the MP3/4 whatever it is – I am rubbish at technology and uninterested in it – and can’t get computer disc  to play.  not John’s fault and I should have allowed / made more time to work them out.  However,  session was so effective from last week I am happy to catch up on the ‘listening’ stuff next week. Written work was interesting.

Sept 10th – had my second session with John yesterday which was incredible.  he told he things that I kind of already knew about myself but then explained the conflicts certain emotions / perceptions / actions were having on my ‘ whole.’  having talked through some ‘conflicts’ it was then refreshing to realise that they were not necessarily negotive but rather things that needed to be accepted and more fully understood.  I walked in calm and ready for the session – I had looked forward to it – and the time felt like it crawled by which in itself was relaxing.  Time has really slowed down since my sessions with John without anything being not done or missed.  He also sorted out my ‘tech’ complete lack of interest – listen to my recordings / this is how you use an MP3 ( in a very simple diagram ) / now please get on with it very amusing and I left laughing.  still only having half a glass of wine a night . all very good indeed.

September 12th – Grandma’s Birthday so we all went up to Manchester for the day / lunch / tea etc.  Lovely day – tried to listen to MP3 on the way but no chance.  Thomas the Tank Engine in the background and several stops for’ Mummy can I have…….’ However Grandma was pleased to see us and I had less than a quarter of a glass of wine.  I feel life is still so much slower and deeper – I ‘breathe’  in the day now and still do everything I did before.  My whole attitude has changed. I am calm and interested in other things apart from work.  John’s hypnosis on Thursday was amazing – I go to sleep with it every night and draw on it in the day.  Very very clever and powerful. I think I have replacedwine with John’s sessions  !! wine was cheaper.

Sept 13th – I am now not going to mention wine unless I fall ‘ off the waggon’ since it no longer bothers me at all.  What is much more relevant is that my life pace has changed over night since I have met John.  nothing has been missed off the list infact more has been added -the point is that life has slowed down so much.  I breathe in the day.  I stop and pause and enjoy a simple moment so many times in the day.  The hypnosis joins me throughout the day.  I talk much slower and I feel so much calmer . Funny that I have only just noticed John’s header to my blog – Fiona……… Exploring Calmness and Emotional Flexibility.  The latter being exactly what I am experiencing.  I am loving this.

Sept. 14th – my life has changed.  I find myself driving along the road and seeing the colours – the lines / the tarmac / the wet surface… and I am aware of the feeling ‘ it is leading / going somewhere.’ there is always a sense of forwards direction.  even when I stop I am aware that the road infront of me is ‘ infront / going / leading.’  I never drove quickly before but I am now consciously driving half a speed slower – I take my foot slightly off the pedal and ease off.  It slows the car down fractionally but my life down so much more.  Such a simple process with such a huge effect. I sit deeper in chairs now and my feet feel at all contact points that they are solid.  I am no longer ‘ running’ here and there always on the balls of my feet – chasing the next appointment / class / my to do list,  with no time to ‘ stop and pause and breathe.’  well – now I stop and pause and breathe.  a lot. everything still gets done. I am relaxed,  heavy in my own feet in a calm and solid way. stop and listen.  I picked blackberries with my son in heavy rain under an umbrella and it was lovely. The MP3 recordings are wonderful. I go to bed and listen to one a night then one of the hypnosis tracks.  Looking forward to my next session.

Sept. 15th – listened to the Neutral recording last night and the ‘ good news / bad news / let’s see ‘ story clicked with me immediately.  I was experiencing so much stress at work and since I have met John it is washing over me – and trust me the stress was a 10.  John replacing my belief that work = stress with internal ‘ observer language ‘  like  ‘  the stress is not coming from the work it is coming from my acceptance that my response should be to get stressed and to anticipate further stress every time Iwent to or thought about work .’   He encouraged me to accept that I may not be able to change the situation, but I can manage my emotional response to it.  This too shall pass….. etc.  Along with many things John shares it was a wow moment.

John along with his recordings has given me tools that I am using daily.  The daily use of the recordings has also had an important supportive role to play in my pocess of change.  I feel as though I am building up a reference library in my head that I can draw on whenever I choose. Sometimes in that ‘ library in my mind ‘  a book falls off a shelf and opens just on the right page and sometimes I have to flick through it and find what I am searching for. The latter being so effective since I end up re visiting pages that I had forgotten or simply mean more today than when I ‘read them’  before.  John has a very calm and honest delivery.  I listened to the third hypnosis track last night in bed ( after listening to Neutral ) and it took me to such a warm and safe place.  It took me to places I had been in my life that had been precious monents – a walk,  a view,  a beach at sunset with friends or alone.  Clear running water over stones.  I’ve said before – my life has changed,  or rather,  I am claiming back what is really important.  Gratitude is very refreshing and reasurring.  Happy to be me and to be content with ‘  not being good enough. ‘  My understanding of one of the points John makes is that the ‘  not being good enough ‘ place is a lot bigger than striving to reach a ‘ good enough ‘ place that may actually be quite small.

I am aware that I listen to what people are saying around me and invariably there is mention of stress.  My mother – in – law who is amazing is a hand ringer by nature. and we were talking on the telephone this morning.  She was clearly stressed and came out with the line ‘ it’s genetic – my father was a hand ringer, my brother,  me….. it’s just in my nature.’  I shared one of John’s points of view – she may indeed be a hand ringer however by telling herself she is daily and also by believing it to be genetic and therefore unavoidable she was making the situation worse – she was reinforcing her behaviour daily by telling herself constantly that she was ( and therefore could not avoid being ) a hand ringer. I heard such a lovely pause at the end of the phone – we get on exceptionally well.  She said that clearly my sessions with John were working.  There then followed about ten minutes of me pouring out my understanding of John’s words to her to the point that I stopped myself.  I know some of the words will have helped her today.

Looking forward to listening to another recording tonight and session tomorrow.

Sept 16th – had my session today.  wonderful – absolutely wonderful.  I feel deeper/  wider / softer – a complete calm has descended.  I see physical and mental stuff that I passed by at speed before.  There are a lot of pauses in my day now.  also – amusingly – I am becoming surrounded by horses and children on swings,  light breezes and fresh smells and colours…. together with voices of judges and victims.  Thanks John !!!  my session was deep today. my hand left hand will never be the same again.  very very clever indeed and an important journey.

I did sneak in a recording today – in the day sat in my car parked in a quiet cul de sac – so another tonight will be a treat.

Thanks John – it’s more than I had hoped it would be.

Sept. 19th – a few days since my last update. Jewish Yom Kippur so spent Saturday in Synagogue and then off to hubby’s mums for afternoon tea and chats which was lovely as always.  The sermon was so relevant – the subject was Gratitude.  I am fresh from John’s recording on Gratitude so the coincidence was exceptionally moving.  And I believe that everything happens for a reason. The Rabbi ( she ) told an incredible story of the virtuoso violinist Itzak Perlman.  She freely admitted that it may be myth  however it went like this – Itzak had been affected by polio as a child and consequently walked with braces on both legs.  When he took to the stage one evening the audience duly applauded and silence fell whilst he walked slowly across the stage to take up his seat.  He started to play but soon into the piece a sting snapped.  He paused and at this point since he had barely started  he could have easily re-strung the instrument.  However he paused and then signalled to the conductor to cary on from where they had stopped.  Itzak continued playing using the three strings he had left to fill in the missing notes and where he could not find a suitable note,  he ‘re-wrote’ the piece of music ahead in his mind so that it flowed perfectly.  No need to say any more….

Listened to John’s Pain Hypnosis recording for the second time last night – it is so good.  I get lost in it.  My only regret was that I fell asleep about a minute before the end – and the ending is so powerful.  Listening to it on head phones brings John’s voice dead central over my forehead and it closes the recording perfectly. It’s as if there is nothing at all in my mind – just a calm dark space and a guiding image.  Very strong indeed  and a great nights sleep guaranteed.

Sept. 2oth – I have not had a drink since Thursday and more relevantly it is now not part of my life.  I do not consciously not have a drink and I do not have to talk myself out of it.  Last weeks hypnosis was vivid. I wake up in the morning whistling and singing and smiling. I love this.

I should have had an exceptionally stressful day however looking forward to listening to John’s recordings tonight and my next session is keeping me sane.  Goodness knows where I would have been without John’s help .  I pass on John’s tips to my hubby who says they are helping him as well.

Re-visiting my goals this evening – I already know that my life has changed so much in just a few weeks and that will be evident from what I wrote then,  and my thoughts now. Quite an incredible journey in such a short time.  By the way- no alcohol since last Thursday and I don’t miss it at all.  I read John’s own blog and used to feel the same – a drink was a reward at the end of the day.  Now I reward myself with pauses and deep breaths and reflection not just at the end of the day either – I really enjoyed going to the park with my boy and collecting conkers and autumn stuff for a box.  Just being able to enjoy the experience and reflect ( Gratitude again ) was so relaxing – like an entire holiday in 30 minutes – where normally I would have been clock watching and thinking about story,  bath,  bed etc.  John has given me time back in my life without anything being ommitted. And I feel I have soft shoulders – no more tension.

Sept 24th – had my session with John yesterday and it was fair bit of ‘ honesty corner. ‘  A catharitc experience with someone who leads so carefully.  I have spent today and yesterday ‘playing ‘ with the issues that arose.  I am as calm as ever and have not had a drink for ages. I had a mad clearing up / out session at home this afternoon – which I feel,  however necessary it was,  may have ben influenced by my new found frame of mind.  I’ve said this before – this is wonderful.

Sept 25th – I have been re-visiting my goals this week which have changed out of all proportion.  The one change that I have been instantly aware of from my first meeting with John – and it has improved daily – is that I not longer want time for me / a massage / a facial / a holiday.  I have realised that all I want / need is to be calm and that will bring me relaxation.  This is under pinned and supported with Gratitude.  I am so calm now all day and normal day to day moments with my son / husband / myself / friends are all I need.  I have constant opportunites to enjoy relaxation and calmness – whereas the other forms eg. holiday / massage / facial etc would only have been quick fixes.  I am grateful beyond belief to John.   He is guiding me through a wonderful change of perspective.  In times when I feel the old me starting to stress I use John’s tools to remind me what is actually important and there is instant calm.  I am gaining confidence daily in the new me and it’s a lovely journey.  And a lot slower than before.  Days are fuller and moments enjoyed.

Sept.26th – another lovely day especially as it was due to be a busy one.  Normally I would have been chasing my watch / the clock all day – hurry up / we’ll be late etc ( although truly I am rarely late,  infact always early and on time as I can’t bare to be late ) but today I ‘knew’ I would not be late.  I knew I would be early and on time.  I enjoyed getting ready for my friend’s little girls Christening.  We had a calm and lovely time in Church and I was much less ‘ on edge ‘  in case my boy made a noise / got restless / squealed in the middle of the Sermon etc.  I used the ‘mixer desk in the room ( John tool)’ to focus on the Sermon – it’s so effective. I knew that I had taken enough toys and distraction items that my boy  would be ok and if he was not,  then we would simply pop outside.  I even stopped for coffee and a biscuit before ‘ dashing ‘ to the lunch afterwards - hey,  there is no hurry.  We will be there all afternoon with friends.

My ‘wobble’ came when a particularly annoyed resident decided to take me on about where I had parked my car near the function hall.  I was sure that I had parked without cause for annoyance – however he had a proper pop at me.  I apologised and moved the car but the confrontation bothered me until this evening despite all John’s tools that I have been using.  The incident kept creeping up on me.  However,  I have simply accepted now that in the measure of things it was not important ( I just do not do confrontations very well / at all ). It was a situation that could not have been avoided since I did my best to park carefully and he clearly had a few issues.  The end.  Nothing at all to dwell on – no right and wrong – just a bit less peace in the day.  I am sure there will be more testing times than this to cope with ( and have been ) and I should be grateful that the incident was so big in my day – hey,  clearly it was a lovely day. Still no alcohol and a lot of peace.  I recall John’s ‘ that’s right’ so often in the day.  So soft – so strong.

27th Sept.  So much has changed in my life to give me calmness.  Monday is always a busy day as my boy has a swimming class,  then usually I will have a few calls to make for work and then we do something in the afternoon. Normal proceedure would be me getting out of the pool and immediately checking my mobile phone to see if any issues had arisen,  then dashing home,  changing and washing frantically whilst preparing lunch,  then responding to calls and preparing for the afternoon – whilst planning for the evening slow down and tomorrows work / what to wear / what to pack into the car arhhh……………! etc.  However,  now I get out of the pool,  make sure we get out slowly and enjoy the getting out process / get changed and dry PROPERLY,  check my phone ( can’t resist – however now – let’s face it – the world will not fall apart in a 30min swim class ) and then go home and do the necessary calls / stuff in an orderly ‘ this will wait 10 mins / half an hour ‘  fashion.  I’m also reading Warriors  Settlers Nomads which is excellent support reading to my sessions.  I now have a fascinating avenue of focus for my attention outside work  and family life – very refreshing.  Relaxation again.

Sept. 28th – I am now well into Warriors Settlers Nomads and it is hard to put down.  I look forward to reading it – infact I have to stop myself reading it when I should be doing other stuff – and the content is filling my thoughts.  It supports John’s sessions and I am really enjoying the new thoughts I am having and playing with.  They are an excellent distraction and form a welcome new way of relaxing.  I am engrossed in this / absorbed by it.  I am also trying to adjust my language and thought processes in accordance with John’s recordings which is clearly going to take some practice – however it’s a huge amount of fun and an eductation ( especially when I slip up / slip back into old ways / beliefs ).  I switch off easily now from stress and I am much more focused.  The sensor room is getting a huge amount of use.  This is an amazing journey.  It has also awakened some historic thoughts putting a completely new perspective on them.  Fascinating and quite a release.

Sept. 29th - a lovely thing has just happened.  My main contractor – repair and renewals man and his wife – has just told me that he is very happpy in his life.  He is with a lovely lady who is his thrid wife however she fell in love with him two years before he met her formally and he with her as soon as he met her again for the second time.  They have been together ever since and are very happily married.  He said he was so pleased to have met me ( and my business partner ) as the work we give him and his wife means that he has never had to look for a job or worry where the next penny is coming from.  He says they have a lovely life and consider us as part of their family.  It was a priceless conversation -  he did not need to say any of the things he said and it put me in such a good place.  I try to surround myself with good people and I do my best to live in a good place / be a good person.  I am grateful for what I have and John has helped me realise that this is it - this is what is important.

Still reading my book – absolutely compulsive – and looking forward to my session tomorrow and a recording tonight.  Infact,  I have timed it now so that I can sneak in a recording in the car after dropping my boy at nursery and before my session. Thursday is an excellent day.

Sept. 30th – Thursday,  now a day I look forward to so much.  Not that any other day is any less attractive or fun.  Had my session with John this morning precedded by sitting in a quiet road after dropping my boy at nursery and then putting on my borrowed – thankyou John – MP3 player ( which I can now switch on and off etc without his instruction sheet – cool  ) and listening to the Cast of Characters recording.  As each week goes by and as I read my book (WSN) and listen to John’s recordings the layers of stuff that is filling my thoughts is just incredible. I feel like I am eating one of those star bust poppy sachet things that you used to be able to get 20 years ago ( probably more ) from the ice cream van that drove round the houses. I am connecting with stuff / thinking about stuff /  responding to stuff - I can’t think of a better word than ‘ stuff ‘  as it’s such a wide experience zone.  The observation techniques / the attention and focus / the breaking down and analysis of characters that have lived with me – some noticed and some not – for years.  And the tools that I now have to play with / explore / use every day make this a refreshing and exciting  journey.  I don’t need to drink at all now – I am having huge amounts of fun with this.  And my stress levels are so low – I am calm and having a great time.

Oct 1st – just a quickie – I have had a lovely day with friends and with my boy.  I spent this morning at a music class with a group one of which has just had a baby two months early.  There were complications however the little one is now home and coming on nicely.  Obviously the mummy has been through a terrible and stressful time but is calmer now and happier to be at home.  Her parting shot to me in the car park was that it was lovely to be with friends……… Isn’t that what it’s all about It was a very good start to what was and has been another lovely calm day.  Hubby major stressed out with our awful situation at work however I managed to pull him back to a calmer place with John’s words and thoughts ( and a large glass of whiskey – for him that is ! ) Nothing for me for ages.  I don’t need it anymore – I am getting my kicks elsewhere /  from my new calmness.  and reading and listening to John’s recordings. I do not know where we would be without John.  I was able to encourage my hubby to remember what is important – me and our boy and him and gratitude for life.  All the rest will come and go   –  and pass.  We are all looking forward to a lovely weekend.

Sunday 3rd October  – I had such a fantastic day yesterday – hubby out at Ryder Cup so myself and my boy had the day and evening to ourselves.  Such a calm and fun day – no time restrictions or anyone else to look after ( not that I do not enjoy looking after hubby ).  Then we all were invited to Uttoxeter Races – a box – for the day on Sunday.  Short update now as it’s past 9pm -  I did not drink a drop of alcohol – and didn’t miss it at all.  Infact the day was as much fun as it would have been with alcohol but in a completely different way. AND since listening to John’s weight loss recording I have dropped 8lbs ( in about 10 days).  And the recording helped today as I stuck to healthy foods without even missing or feeling deprived of the other yummy stuff.  So very clever indeed and an interesting expeience.  I feel so healthy and calm – the day was wonderful.

5th October – I have an important meeting today so listened to Belief last night and the night before from John’s recordings.  It was interesting that last night I heard things that I had not noticed the evening before – and it is only a 30min recording that I listen to on headphonesin bed without any disctractions at all.  It’s so clever.  It is also very relaxing going into a meeting with an aura of peace and calm and objective preparation.  I enjoy meetings – good and bad – and have never shied away from them.  I enjoy presentations and I also enjoy the prep,  however they used to be a bit all consuming.  This time I have prep’d but them ‘ parked the information in my head for later at the meeting.  I know the stuff is there / I know I will do my best and what will be will be.  no constant thinkings about possible outcomes etc any of which could be changed in the meeting by single moments and phrases.  all good.  Still no alcohol and I have lost 10lbs now with no effort at all. Hubby is also drinking less by his own choice.

I did have a funny moment this morning – had a discussion with hubby relating to our meeting and a slight difference of opinion.  We had a fun spat in which he ended ‘ you are wrong.’  I said I was as entitled to my opinion as he was his,  and he was obviously ok to consider me wrong however I did not have the same sentiment about him – he merely had a different opinion to mine.  He rolled his eyes ( nicely ) and went into his office clearly hearing a ‘ John-ism ‘ being used.  I followed him with ‘there is no right and wrong there is only peace and not so much peace.’  He laughed and it was an amusing end to the discussion.

I feel great.

6th October – I went out for dinner with a very good friend last night and we had a real laugh.  I did not have anything to drink ( alcoholic ) and did not want or miss it.  I resisted the temptation to say ‘ no thankyou,  I’m not drinking at the moment ‘ since I thought that might influence my friends choice of drinks. As it was nothing was noted and she had a glass of wine. It was hard not telling her I was not drinking since it was such a big issue for me – the thought process was very interesting.  It was only much later in the evening that it came up in conversation.  Ofcourse I then had to actively reign in my ‘ John is so amazing / he is so incredible / I am in such a calm place / my life is changed forever etc etc etc enthusiatic ramblings and managed to shut myself up after a few minutes.  She was actually very interested and it provoked an interesting and lively conversation.  We had elected for a set meal as we couldn’t be bothered to particularly plough through the menu and instead just wanted to catch up and talk so dessert was presumed.  I do not usually have dessert at all – I do not have a sweet tooth – and given my recent weight loss success I did not want one at all.  However in the spirit of  ‘ you are out with a mate and may be in danger of her thinking you have lost the plot if you decline dessert and alcohol because of John’ I ordered dessert.  Which came and looked lovely – but I really had to make myself eat it.  I should actually have just had a coffee instead.  It is so interesting that neither alcohol or fatty / sweet foods interest me anymore except if it would be rude to decline them. I have not eaten bread or any carbohydrate for over two weeks and certainly no biscuits.  I used to love cury – my absolute favourite.  However I just could not eat one now at all.  I am living on steamed veg / bananas / protein / and tons of fruit.  And plenty of water and soft drinks.  I feel so well and content – not like I am on any type of diet at all.  This is a very pleasant experience with all the advantages that are obvious. I have never experienced anything like this before – I have always worked towards a goal weight etc with an end in site – now I am enjoying a new way of living and eating and drinking and calmness that I would hate to lose or change.

Very very interesting indeed.   Session with John tomorrow – excellent.

Friday 8th October – I had the most wonderful session with John yesterday.  He tells the most absorbing stories that just wrap round you.  He said the sesssion was going to address goals however I could not have imagined what it actually turned out to be – yes we talked about things I’d like to do / not do / have / have not but that was so much the tip of the iceberg.  It then drifted off so subtly into so much more – John asks soft but so specifc questions that have come from all the other sessions we have had and he slips in words and phrases that he has picked up from me ( and family names etc ) and that he also uses in his recordings.  The links are so subtle but the reignforcement so powerful.  I got lost in the session – as always – and came away a with such a different perspective on my past and my future. Kind – very kind indeed.

Sunday 11th October – mad busy day – family party.  No stress,  total calmness and peace,  no alcohol and spent the day practising listening.  Incredible. I feel like I have lived my life using 10% of me,  and now I am finding the other 90% that lay hidden.  This is such a wonderful journey. My shoulders are soft and I feel like I am using all of my lungs to breathe – like when I learned to play the clarinet and saxophone as a child,  you are taught to breathe properly.  Now I am learning to live properly and more fully.  amazing.

Tuesday 12th Oct. -  a very stressful day indeed and I am drawing on all of John’s mothods and systems to remain in a calm place.  Thankfully I actually know that they will work and am just rotating them round in my head until one of them kicks in.  It’s like – hey presto,  finally found one that works for my feelings right now but there have been moments when I have had to work exceptionally hard to route out some help.  Anyway,  the comfort comes from considering how I would be had I not met John.  I am coping despite a rotten couple of business days – and the situation will intensify towards the weekend.  I am slo comforted by the fact that I am trying to seem strong / and remain strong for hubby who is also feeling the pressure.

Wed October 13th – tough day yesterday – very tough. Trying to look after me and also hubby who was feeling the strain however we talked eachother through it and made decisions for today.  I spent the day using all of  John’s ‘tools’ to keep me focussed and followed it by an evening with my head in a book he had leant me and then a hypnosis ‘ Belief ‘ recording in bed.  I did not have any alcohol and did not crave any and hubby is also drinking considerably less.  Yesterday would normally have been a bottle of whiskey night given the rubbish that was going on.  I wanted to write ‘ stress levels rather than rubbish ‘ however now that I do not have any stress / manage the onset of it so effectively it was simply a ‘rubbish’ day.  I speak to myself now in different language from before- it was a day of ‘ challenges to which we both applied ourselves.  We are aiming towards a beginning of something new and will address any other challenges that come our way as a reult of our actions firstly together and secondly in the knowledge that any response is a way forward,  and not a way back or dwelling on the situation.  And most importantly it is only business / money etc all of which comes and goes – what we take huge comfort from is Gratitude for what real things we have – eachother,  our son,  our family and friends,  two eyes ,  two hands,  a capable mind etc etc etc.’  We have come into today fresh and ready for it – enjoying each hour and minute and being grateful for the time we have.

It is hubby’s Birthday tomorrow so we are taking a morning off which is unheard of especially under our present circumstances. Our son is in nursery and we are going to see Toy Story 3 in 3D and then lunch.  Can’t wait – a real treat in the middle of the day.  How refreshing and invigorating.  It will be a month today since I had a drink and I do not miss it at all.  And I have lost 11lbs.  Clever clever John.  And I have calmness all around me   .  Also – just to add – it is very useful to me to have John’s sessions,  his recordings which I listen to at night in bed and also the books he has leant me – the advantages of constant positive reinforcement are obvious.

Looking forward to tomorrow – which should have been my session with John but he is away.  Seemed a very appropriate time to treat ourselves to the cinema in the day – I am sure John would be impressed and approve .

Thursday Oct 14th – we had a wonderful time at the cinema . The film was lovely and we were the only ones in the cinema. 11.20am on a Thursday – not surprising.  We got there early,  had coffee ( I had booked advanced tickets – obviously !!!! ) enjoyed the film and then went on for lunch.  we chatted about all kinds of stuff and also enjoyed moments of just quiet peace in eachothers company.  It was a real treasure of a day – well deserved and an important thing to do.  I did miss my session with John,  but replacing it with an active decision to go the cinema in the middle of the working week with hubby was – as I have said previously – the ONLY thing to do ( thankyou so much John for your email – I NEVER expected to hear from you whilst you were away.  Very very much appreciated ).  A lovely and peaceful day .

Sat Oct 16th – had a glass of wine for first time last night for hubby’s Birthday. It was nice to share a drink with someone but I will not be drinking again now.  I feel so well and healthy and I am confident that drinking will be simply to toast a celebration .  I no longer want it at all.  Infact choosing not to have it is empowering and part of my new beginning / journey.  Big weekend this weekend – friends Barmitzvah – and party tomorrow but it is no longer going to be a test of my drinking will power.  I also am wearing a dress that I have not worn in ages – new weight loss is fab.  John back today as well – thank goodness.  Hope you had a lovely time and looking forward to hearing about it.  Go to dash.  I feel great.  Fell asleep to my favourite recording last night – the Pain hypnosis track – woke up just before the end which is the best.  Any grammar etc that is wrong in this – will correct later.  got to go !

Monday 18th October – we have had a lovely and hectic weekend.  How we crammed so much in I do not know however we did and it was by choice and a pleasure.  AND I did not get stressed at all.  Infact the one time that hubby was dragging his feet I simply said that if he was not in the car in 5 mins he would be late to the function because I would be staying at his mum’s with our son.  I was not going to walk in late anywhere.  I was completely calm because I had clearly said what time we needed to leave and explained why and at no time had he uttered any words of complaint.  So when he was clearly dragging his feet – it was not his most favoured event – I simply calmed myself by saying that I had done my best and if we were to be late, then he could get there late on his own and explain.

Despite what I have just written it was actually a very amusing exchange with hubby making clever and funny comments about my therapy sessions.  We did leave on time and we did go and enjoy the event.  We went to the big party on Sunday evening – the Barmitzvah – and I would normally have had a crisis about what to wear / timing / etc and also would have had a drink.  Instead I had a half glass of champagne – it would be rude not to – and wore what I liked without any regard for anyone else ( except the mother of the young man of course ).  Unfortunately the dress was a very good fit and by the time I did the  ‘ du dur ‘ moment to hubby it was too late to change.  He made several comments about the length and fit – but liked it – which was followed by comments at the party from friends since I usually go long and flowing.  We had fun. I had fun.  It was a really lovely weekend full of calm and no alcohol.  I do not miss it at all.  AND no pudding.  wow.  I am also enjoying ‘ being ‘ and not ‘ doing.’  John will know.  Can’t wait til Thursday .

Oct. 19th – my Dad’s Birthday.  I am practising speaking more slowly and trying to listen to what people say without rushing in with my own comments and opinions.  It is an interesting  physical and conscious process – speaking slower helps in that I give myself time to think about what I may be about to say and pausing to see if the other person has actually finished what they were saying is also effective – as they often haven’t.  I am a big ‘ butter inner ‘ and I have become much more conscious of it over the last month.  I’m not ‘ there’ yet but I am trying hard and working with the process.  I do revert to type still – which amuses me afterwards ! I am enjoying the change in dynamic in conversations and my analysis during and after conversations.  So far three people have opened up their hearts and cried on me – in about two weeks – and a fourth is coming round for dinner next week because we had such a comfortable and open conversation about rubbish going on in their lives.  I managed to shut up for once about mine !!!  I could actually write for ages today.  The journey is amazing and like a pebble that has been dropped in a pond – the ripples are extending so far.  I spent ages on the phone to my mum today and my dad and they are coming down at the weekend.  It’s mildly amusing since my dad is a Doctor and knows I am having therapy and we have spoken freely about it.  He also says that I have to step back and live it for a bit,  rather than trying to race through the process ( John’s words too ).  I smile to myself when I am talking to Dad when I say something I know is because of my sessions with John – I’d love to know what my Dad is thinking on the other end of the phone.  Or maybe I’m just a bit self obsessed with this journey and he actually didn’t notice…  I have not told my mum – which is interesting. I think it’s because I don’t think she would get it – she’s a ‘ pick yourself up off the floor and get on with it yourself  ’ kind of person A Drill Sargeant Therapist ( liked it , John ) .  And I don’t want to hurt my own feelings of pleasure and excitement for this process.

On that note – re self obsessed,  I have noticed that I find myself feeling a bit guilty sometimes for thinking about myself so much of late and for giving myself so much mental time.  The sessions and journey has not meant that anything work wise or home etc has taken a back seat – everything and more is getting done. I am just approaching stuff with a completely different attitude.  Ofcourse the guilt fades quickly.  I break it down John style and Let It Go and enjoy that process as well.  There is nothing wrong at all with loving yourself and finding an inner calm and new dynamic since I can then hopefully approach others in a new and more effective way.  No one loses – infact everyone gains.  I am also really enjoying ‘being’ and not ‘doing.’ So powerful and such a massive difference – and still everything that needs to be done gets done,  just in a different way.  Amazing.  And John’s words – That’s Fine…. very very calming and reassuring.

Wed 20th October – no alcohol again last night and I am reading a book on Effortless Living that John loaned me.  It’s brilliant.  I am enjoying being not doing and also feeling.  And it deals with actions that seem so small but are actually huge when you address them for example writing a few notes on a page. Then putting the pen down,  looking at and feeling and concentrating on your hand and it’s every detail and then writing the same notes again and noticing any differences.  Ofcourse the outcome is obvious – especially when tried in the context of a journey such as mine – you write much more slowly and with less pressure and urgency.  The effect is lovely.  I am in my office today working and am applying the technique to my key board and my written text.  The whole process of writing etc is so much more pleasurable and that has a ripple effect  throughout my body and mind.  Amazing – such a small but huge action change.  AND I went to bed AGAIN with the Pain hypnosis track last night – every time I listen to it I think I must know it off by heart and yet last night I heard an entire chunk that I did not recognise at all.  John tomorrow

and – just remembered – the book talks about the fact that it’s totally ok and good to have joy in your life.  Well ofcourse it is, however we live in a society that represses it,  we are full of what is proper and responsible.  Nothing wrong – infact a huge amount right – with showing and feeling joy and similar emotions freely to the world and to admit them as acceptable to ourselves.  My sister is on the verge of maybe a first boyfriend in ages ( long story ) and she rang me this morning to give me the next installment of the ‘ will he ask me out / won’t he ask me out ‘ dance which she was very excited about.  She said she couldn’t dare to feel happy and excited and had enjoyed his company – I said that she should definately dare to feel happy / excited / joyful and bounce around a bit – hey that’s what LIFE and LIVING is all about !! she is happy for sure.  The book also mentions about giving others permission to be happy / show their emotions / release their emotions to you – how brilliant is that ?!!!!

I am also trying so hard to be a listener and to talk more slowly. I revert to type quite often as I have said before,  but at least I am aware of it,  even it is afterwards. It’s an important goal.

Thurs 21st October – my session day.  I was so pleased to see John today as I missed our time together last week.  and sorry to see he had broken his foot whilst away although he looked great and had clearly had a lovely time.  Today took alot out of me.  I think because I had looked forward to the session so much / missed last week / and it was a lovely day.  We started with one of John’s stories for a change and I just felt like I went so deeply into relaxation.  The combination of what I just said plus revisiting a story that we had worked with before but with a new twist let me reach into a deeper place.  I felt like I was hardly breathing.  The sensation and experience was wonderful.  John emailed afterwards to say that ‘ it’s ok to relax,  this is a safe place……..’ such powerful words and he ‘ got me’ completely. I took the session with me all day and I feel calmer again – even more than ever.  When I say the session took a lot out of me,  perhaps I mean it took me to knew levels.  Wonderful / gentle and like nothing I have ever experienced before.  And what a time in my life to find this.

Friday 22nd Oct – I have had another lovely day – calm and full of enjoying being.  Listened to Pain again last night – just brilliant and incredible at the end.  We have a dinner party invitation tonight which we are so looking forward to.  new friends who are exciting and fun.  I have been thinking about how I can avoid drinking without offending them – I have decided to just be honest and explain that I am on a journey of personal growth and this is part of the experience that I am very much enjoying so therefore,  please do not be offended when I do not have a drink but be assured I will have as much fun as if I had had a drink infact probably more.  It will make for good conversation anyway.  One of my goals has been to try and stop my excitement about the experience flooding into every conversation – just live it as John says.  It’s not easy at all but again the process of avoidance is very interesting.  I had an entire conversation today with a new friend and was aware throughout that my words and thoughts and pauses etc were a new path for me and found myself wondering if she knew I was having therapy !! how self obsessed is that.  I’m looking forward to tonight and a lovely weekend

Sun 24th October – went to the dinner party on Friday night and had a glass of wine.  despite all my prep it actually was more polite to have one than not.  We were guests and as we came into their hall the question over the floood of hi,  how are you,  this is great,  lets relax and speak to eachother without children etc etc and big smiles and kisses all round came ‘ red or white ?’  I enjoyed a very nice slow glass of cold Chablis and had no desire for a second.  We then sat and ate and had a fun time – especially as the others were drinking.  I enjoyed trying out speaking slowly,  listening and re-working the mechanics of my conversation skills.  the book I have borrowed from John raises a very intersting point – conversation is not actually easy at all as it depends on so many factors.  This is a refreshing and reassuring thought.  Mad day yesterday with childrens party then off to the fair – but these days are nothing like they used to be.  I am far from perfect or getting it properly however I live the day now – I enjoy being not doing and try hard not to chase deadline clock times and ‘the next thing on the list.  Everything still gets done and my life and days are longer and calmer.  Mum and Dad here today which will be a very interesting experience for me given my new journey and growth.  I love this so much – and my life now seems to be so far ahead of me with as John says so well ‘ We have got things to do…………..’

pm – after Mum and Dad have gone home.  It’s 8.30pm and I have had such a lovely day.  I had conversations today in a way that I have rarely shared them before with my mum.  I am sure she was totally unaware of any change however we stood and talked in the garden for ages and also over lunch.  I listened and she talked – when she looked like she was about to stop I waited just a short time instead of interrupting or changing the flow,  and she would then continue again.  It was a soft and calm conversation full of just daily life stuff – no rushing and as John would say       ’ nobody wanting anything – this is your time……..’  The day passed slowly and effortlessly and it was a pleasure.  I also spoke to my dad however it centered around John ( which I could not resist ).  We had a fun and also thoughtful conversation about being not doing / fear and greed / how happiness maybe simply having what you want ( he said a fellow medical student had been interested in philosophy and had posed the question to them what is happiness ? to which he had offered that it simply was to have what you want.  It was a very interesting conversation in the kitchen whilst my mum was outside in the garden picking daisies and looking for toad stools with my son.   A very very good day – true and honest and ‘ nobody wanting anything.’  I listen to John’s recordings at least once a day so many of his words filter through into my daily life and thoughts.  Again,  good for positive reinforcement and calming.  Some situations I reach for John’s words and thoughts and some are now automatic.    I noticed also that I gave dad and mum stuff to do eg.  put things on the table for lunch etc whereas normally it was all my show.  And clearing away was the same – it changed the dynamic completely.   I should finish my book tonight and start another one no alcohol again.

Mon Oct 25th – another calm day and a beautiful one.  I spent the morning with a very good friend and her son in the park and we just talked about real stuff – no agendas,  no judgements, no problems : she is lovely to be with.  We are out together tonight without our sons and with two other very good friends. we are going for curry and I just do not know what I will eat – it used to be my absolute favourite but now I will be following John’s lead – see his weight loss blog – and savouring small flavours.  May indeed have fish.  It is amazing to be writing this stuff when we have rubbish going on at work – real bad nasty rubbish.   And I am writing about what I hope to eat and looking forward to an evening with good friends. Now THAT is real life.  I’ll sneak in another recording tonight as I fall asleep .Mad day tomorrow at work – my work – but it will be a good one. ANd my mum called this morning to thank us for yesterday and I had to throw her off the phone – wonderful.

Tuesday 26th October – just got home from a very busy day indeed in Stoke with my business partner.  Tired so quickie – I find it a challenge to put my new found skills into actual practise.  I think them through when they are relevant however actioning them is a very deliberate process.  I think about what I am saying / not saying / thinking / not thinking constantly.  and then work through the coversations etc afterwards in my mind.  It is a fascinating process and I still revert to type.  Not so much today in work as the day passed very well indeed and I felt I succeeded,  however last night when out with friends it was a little more deliberate and I had to concentrate more.  however both last night and today have been interesting.  I guess at some point things will become more natural – I am still amusing myself when I look back on ‘revert to type ‘ moments.  I do feel that my business day today was far improved on stuff done previously.  A different approach and the ‘watching ‘ process ( of myself ) was / is an experience in itself.  Going now – tired.

Wednesday 27th October – can’t wait for my time with John tomorrow. It’s not just the thoughts and ideas we bounce around and his relaxing stories,  it’s also time to relax and as John says ‘ to let go. a safe place. our time – nobody wanting anything.’

Friday 29th October – I had my session with John yesterday and he would probably say it was like pulling teeth.  It was a session that was on the surface going somewhere but underneath going somewhere completely ( well not completely since everything is linked ) different.  In the end he got there but not until he had tried a few subtle moves followed by a bash on the head with a very direct hammer ! which worked. I now believe in ESP. I can’t say anything else now as I’m still in the wondering and contemplating mode suffice to say it has / and will fill my thoughts for a considerable time morelikely forever. It was not what I thought I came to see John for initially however he knew it lurked there from the first session and had written it down on the first session notes. It was also lovely to share some of his life history – an area which I have avoided as personal and off limits. We did not have time for one of his stories so I’m looking forward to that for next week.  This entire experience is all consuming and a welcome change of direction.

6.17pm – what a fascinating day – all John and our last session provoked.  I am so looking forward to next Thursday. Everything has been turned on it’s head and the original reason for seeing John has paled into insignificance although I suspect everything is significant I was just looking in the wrong place for answers. The obvious places were masking the less obvious ones. A lot of stuff has been ‘ popping up ‘ as John would say.

Sat October 30th – I had a large glass of whisky last night.  The first in about two months.  I tried to break down why I wanted one and got a few interesting answers non of which stopped me having it.  I shared it with my hubby which lead to a discussion about him being reassured that I could drink again / could share a glass of something by choice etc rather than complete abstenance which he found slightly unsettling. The entire ‘event’ was interesting and thought provoking and completely related to my sessions last week and this week with John. It has not started a trend and does not worry me and infact strengthens me – I look forward to a brief discussion about it next week with John.  I am 1.5lbs off the weight I was when I met my hubby and feel great about it.  My head is in a wonderful place and I fell calm and happy and I am enjoying thinking about my new direction and change in my life.  Off to spend hubby’s Birthday money today  which will include a family lunch.  All good.

Sunday 31st October – hubby is out all day until early evening in a golf final so I have a friend coming over for lunch with her daughter.  I am really looking forward to it as she is excellent company and also she was at the end of her tether yesterday as she has just gone back to work ( her own business ) and then her daughter got chicken pox and a sick bug.  She is coming today for lunch and is then going to hide in my office and catch up on some of her work.  Ofcourse,  I love this.  It makes me feel good to know she is happy and confortable enough with our friendship that she can easily work whilst I play with the children. She is a very good person and I enjoy her company – she is bright and caring and honest.  And she says good stuff to me.  I feel we have an unconditional friendship – and so does she – which is just where I am right now in my life.  She knows all about John and has followed my journey.  I am hoping she will listen to one of his hypnosis recordings today as I think she would benefit from it – however that is my opinion and I realise that my Hero is big here – I am confident my offering of the 40mins it will take to listen to the recording ( Pain, ofcourse ) is intentioned purely out of trying to share something with her that I am experiencing great calmness and peace from rather than trying to force my own happiness into her life. If she does not want to try it – hey,  there’s no problem at all.  As John would say ‘ nobody wanting anything.’ So so powerful and I say it many times in my own day.  She will be here soon so signing off now.  No alcohol last night and I went to sleep with ‘ Sleep.’  All good – very good.

6.30pm – we have had a lovely day.  my friend got some work done and we just chatted and chatted about normal stuff.  I keep coming back to John’s ‘ nobody wanting anything’ and I have to say that today was always going to be one of those days.  my friend is a calm person to be with and good company.  I look forward to spending time with her and her little girl is also very easy indeed. She had emtioned that she was nipping to Tesco on the way so I asked her to pick up the Sunday papers and a few bits – none of which she would accept any money for as she said she was just so grateful for the chance to chill out and also to catch up on some work.  I would normally have slipped a bit of money in her handbag but this time it was good to accept her thanks ( and invite her for Sunday lunch every week from now on – hehe ). Hubby won his golf final so smile – big smile – on his face and trophy ( another one ) on the sideboard.  It was bigger than a golf game given the present rubbish he is dealing with at work.  Off to chill for the evening now.  another good day ( friend did not manage to get to the recording however – sorry John – we did spend a lot of time talking about John / my therapy ).  She is interested and is a good listener .

Friday 5th November – I have not been able to update my blog since Tuesday as my internet was down at home which was such an interesting experience to cope with – all the usual stuff like feeling lost without it / being frustrated etc especially as the solution was not clear.  problem with the bt line at the exchange / half hour waiting calls for progress reports etc. however – not a lot of time to dwell on the issues now – but suffice to say all the emotions quickly became subjected to ‘ John’ treatment – break them down and then look at them again.  let them go / be an observer etc.  the process is becoming much quicker and my realisation that my emotions have been ‘ hooked’ lightening fast.  how my life has changed…….   Saw John on Thursday which as always was wonderful.  We must have chatted for ages before focussing on emotions in the session amongst other things ( including the mind mending stuff that went on last session ).  It’s my Birthday next week and I have asked everyone for books from John’s recommended reading list and I can’t wait to get my hands on them.  Clearly I’m enjoying this very much indeed – and no alcohol     oh – and I have now lost 18lbs without any effort at all.

Business today was ‘ the end and the beginning.’  I feel relieved and could not have done with without John’s support – nothing that may happen as a result of our ( hubby and I’s ) actions will be too much to cope with.  better to be reacting and coping with challenges than the rubbish that has been dragging on since June this year.  As John says – this too shall pass.  i’m looking forward to a lovely weekend

Sunday november 7th – off to see Nana today then firework display which will be lovely so really looking forward to it.  I am aware that I have been quite calmly stressed over the last two days ie.  we had an important business day on Friday and I have been aware ever since of my heart beat. I feel externally calm however there must be a bit of ‘ the swan is swimming so apparently calmly and effortlessly to any on looker however the feet are paddling extremely fast unseen underneath the water.’  I know I am keeping a lid on my stress however it has also been more difficult to concentrate on John’s recordings – I have drawn on many of his tools to keep me focussed.  Next week will not be any easier however my sessions with John have put much better placed to deal with stuff than previously ( although what I am dealing with at the moment is the worst thing – apart from hubby nearly dying three years ago ! - that I have ever dealt with ).  Anyway – nice day ahead

9pm – just got back from the firework party which was a lot of fun although our son made about the second firework before the tears began.  We watched the rest from inside which he was fine with – so no problem at all. He’s just having a minute with Daddy before bed so I’m snatching time to write.  I am aware that today I have been pre occupied with business rubbish.  we had a big day on Friday and tomorrow and the rest of the week will be ‘ hour by hour / day by day’ stuff.  Probably a lot of fur flying and anger.  I gave in this morning and had two calms for breakfast and two at lunch which may have taken the edge off – it got rid of the heart beating in my ears thudding. I felt bad taking a remedy – even if they are herbal – as I felt like I was actually for the first time since meeting John relying on something external rather than myself.  I will go to bed late tonight and listen to John’s Pain recording in the hope that I get a good night’s sleep.  tomorrow will be a tough day.

Monday 8th November – not an easy day at all. I keep using the visualization technique for when all this rot at work will be over and to be honest it is a powerful tool and I’m grateful for my strong and vivid imagination and the fact that I have been practising the technique for several weeks,  however tough,  tough day.  a big part of the problem is that this has been going on for so long and cumilatively – who knows how that is spelled ?!! – I guess I’ve close to had enough.  However the only way out is to stick with it and press on towards what both hubby and I hope will be an end soon.  thankfully I’m not drinking to get through it or eating – I am the same weight I was when I met my hubby and I am not drinking hardly at all.  The odd glass hear and there but very rarely. Birthday on Friday and if everyone that so kindly asked me what I wanted has not bought me the books I asked for I shall throw a tantrum and go andsit on a mountain somewhere !!  I’ll all be fine.

7.30pm – I had a rubbish day today for me – I know there are other things more important than my rot however my rot was distracting me today.  I really struggled to stop the voices in my head playing out scenarios related to all the work stuff going on right now which is the first time since meeting John that I have come close to losing control of them.  I had a rubbish swim class with my boy this morning and ended up crying – it was far too busy and they are having a laugh.  I may cancel the next cycle since it’s £11 for 30mins and they are money grabbing – they just merged two classes together.  Anyway,  small rant over.  I was ‘treading my way very slowly through the mud of today’ when a friend sent me a text out of the blue to say could she drop round for a cup of coffee.  She is one of those easy people with no edge at all that everyone needs to have around them. I am lucky to have some very close and good solid mates – I don’t need or want a lot of friends and am as happy with a good book or walking with my boy or painting.  Anyway – again – she came over and had no idea what my mood was.  It got more frustrating thoughout the afternoon since everyone in the world ( slight hyperbole ) seemed to call me including two leaking rooves to sort and a blocked drain !  My friend was stil unaware of my mood and we had a very very nice and comfortable afternoon punctuated with the odd frantic phone call at which point she ‘children sat’ with ease.  I’m more grateful to her than she could ever know – it got me through a difficult day.  Hubby called late to say he had had a good and productive day and his mood was up,  so we can carry ourselves through to tomorrow.  I’m lucky I have him and our relationship is so solid and honest.  It’s late now so I’m going to go and light a nice big fire and a vanilla candle – no alcohol.  oh – and my sister told me she has got one of the books I asked for so I’m looking forward to getting that at the weekend when I see everyone.

Tuesday 9th November – ok- I’ve got it back together a bit more today.  I have reigned in the voices in my head  that were playing out various scenarios which were not helping at all since I have no idea what is going to happen in the future.  plus I had a full day in my office which was productive.  I may only have moved piles into tidier piles however it did the trick.  Also hubby had some good news today and for the first time in months the colour is coming back into his face and the weight lifting off his shoulders. I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen especially in important things,  however I guess I have to ask myself what is important – actually health and family and friends, happiness and calmess,  that’s what is important.  The rest can be dealt with much better if I’m calm and believe in myself.  Hubby read Who Stole My Cheese last night which I am sure had an affect today.  If anyone is reading this and has 45mins to spare,  borrow it from the library or buy the book – it’s lovely.  Unsurprisingly it’s from John’s recommended reading list – what would we do without him

ps – ontop of a crap day yesterday I got into bed and switched on my mp3 player ready to calm myself down with one of John’s recordings and it had run out of power !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or rather,  I had forgotten to charge it up.

10th November – I had three large glasses of whisky last night with hubby and we had our own little party.  His good news yesterday was a reason for a glass – I drank two to many and had a bad head this morning however this is the most I have drunk in over two months and actually it was very nice indeed. I’m not going to over analyse it – it was nice / I enjoyed it.  However I am paying the price this morning.  another full day in the office today and I am in a let’s just get stuff done mood. Yes or no – no messing about.  And anything difficult gets a letter,  a stamp and put in the letter box.  My office looks out over our garden and we are lucky to have quite a number of wild birds visiting - this morning I saw the greater spotted / lesser spotted ( my mum would know and my book is in the lounge – it’s black and white with a red dot on it’s head and bum ) woodpecker.  He is so lovely and I see him regularly and often hear him before I see him.  John tomorrow – can’t wait to see him.  All good.

and – I noticed some time ago that the comment at the top of my blog in ‘ description’ says its where I explore my attitudes to alcohol and recognise more about my unconscious controlling strategies that are trying to keep me safe , yet causing me stress and confusion .  I did not write this – John did the first week we met.  He was / is so right – as usual – and I just did not notice at all the extent to which I chose to control my life and the affect it was having.  Very very interesting indeed, especially now looking back. Clever intuitive chappy

Thursday 11th November – I had a really lovely and fun session with John today.  I’m not going to give all his secrets away so I’ll just say that he shook it up a bit today.  It was great fun and a refreshing way to start the session.  It took me completely off guard and had me smiling immediately.  He’s fab.   We chatted and did some work,  then chatted some more and then did some more work.  It’s great fun and I manage to laugh and think at the same time.  I’m glad John commented that I am finally beginning to speak more slowly which is such a goal of mine.  The proces is still deliberate and I do revert to type quite often however his comments – as always -came just at the right time.  Not much time now,  but I will write again later.  Spookily he says he knows people read this blog – now HOW strange does that make me feel………..? got to go.

ok – back now.  son in bed and hubby home late tonight.  It always interests me when I have my sessions and John asks me direct questions ( which is always a bit of a wake up call – hey,  you listening / concentrating on what I’m saying ??! It is so easy just to sit down in that comfy chair and listen/ chill / rest etc.  Hey, I’m paying you – right ? and a question is sometimes a bit of a shock ! in a nice way ). Anyway – I always have answers that are completely different in that they are ‘ knee jerk pre John this is what I would have said / felt based on 43 years of life….’ and then a real right here / right now after ‘the journey’ answers.  Like for example what are your goals in life ?  I looked at my goals a few weeks ago that I had completed for our second session and they included that I wanted to make time for a massage or facial every now and again,  me time away from the family.  Well – dur,  what ?????!.  What do I want now – guess what.  John has given it to me.  All I really wanted was time to stop and pause from the ‘run’ of life.  I was always watching the clock,  going somewhere,  planning and John has enabled me to put the brakes on.  I still do all the stuff I did before but the days just seem to have got longer.  I enjoy driving,  I enjoy conversations,  I enjoy a cup of coffee,  I breath in the air as I walk the dustbin to the top of the lane and pause on the way back to listen to any sounds……… a massage seems so superficial now.  Just a temporary fix.  John has given me a fix every minute of every day and life is good.  He is a clever boy and has clearly connected with his own journey.

Birthday tomorrow and hopefully loads of John recommended books to start on. All good the point is,  stuff at work is a f***ing nightmare and if I had not met John neither me nor my hubby would be where we are right now with it.  We are strong and fine. Thankyou John x

Friday 12th November – my Birthday !! I have had a lovely day. music class this morning with a very good group of friends and then a very good friends sons 1st Birthday pm which was the perfect way to spend the day. I smiled all day and got all the books I had asked for plus money to buy more.  I’m now very keen to study and there is a course run in Oxford which I have requested details of written by Terence Watts .  I’m  hooked.  Looking forward to a lovely quiet evening tonight and seeing my mum and dad and sister Sunday.  I’m smiling so much at the moment and have done for the last few months.  I’ve found ( been shown and given ) a very good place to be.

Saturday 13th November – we shared a lovely lunch today with friends and I am now starting to do certain new things sub consciously.  for example I was not stressed at all planning to get everything ready to go to their house.  I also tried hard to resist taking everything and the kitchen sink (!) which at certain times in the past must have raised a few eye brows and possibly ( although most likely not ) offended people.  I used to turn up with a pile of George’s toys,  his own plate and cutley,  a dvd just in case,  his own napkin ( ok – even I find this a bit bizarre ) and so on ‘ just in case when we got to wherever we were going they did not have exactly what I was ( NB ‘I’  not George mmmmm…. I despair ) used to using .  However today was not a total success since the plates etc I would normally have taken I simply left in the car ‘ just in case.’  In the end,  it reassured me that they were there just in case.  Everything was very lovely and we had a relaxing afternoon with good friends.  I listened more,  paused more and certainly enjoyed the conversation more as I was not constantly talking too quickly,  trying to think of the next good thing to say,  trying to ‘make it rock’ etc etc. It was so much more relaxing for me – and them – I’m sure.  I am sure I have been a bit ‘ full on’ in the past.  With all the best intentions at heart,  however a tad full on.  Just breathing in between words is an achievement for me. I can get over excited.  I have also had some very very lovely Birthday presents – infact embarrassingly so.  And kind words inside cards – I have very much felt like people care and a bit ‘ blown away’ with their generosity and kindness.  Off to mum and dad’s tomorrow and can’t wait to see them.  I am in a very very calm and good place right now and have been now for some time.  I smile and breathe and pause….. and still everything that needs to be done gets done.  starting a new book tonight

Sunday 14th november – I have decided to go to my mum and dad’s on my own – with our son - as hubby really has too much going on at work. He accepted reluctantly but with pleasure – it will be the first time we have slept apart since we got married ( except when he nearly died three years ago and spent two weeks in hospital) however it is the right thing to do.  He has accepted and I have offered for the right reasons.  This is all so easy now.  I keep thinking about the presents I received from friends for my Birthday.  My closest friends all know that I am on this journey with John and one bought me a really heavily scented sandalwood thick pillar candle and another a lovely note book for quotes and comments and thoughts – I am going to collect together all of John’s quotes to date that I have been saving and put them in the book. Then keep it with me at all times to add to.  2 other friends both bought me incredible bouquets of flowers which are filling the house.  Hubby bought me my books and thick fluffy socks for sitting around in the evening ( so I can stop taking his !! ).  They are lovely too and we had a calm and good day. And they all wrote such kind and thoughtful comments in their cards and I got several cards from hubby and son all with lovely words.  I am so lucky in so many many ways.  ooohhh yes – and a Birthday email from John which I have saved.  Got to go and pack now – all very very good.  Oh – finally – taking my mp3 player to mum and dads to listen to tonight and also a book – the 4 agreements which is compulsive reading .

Tuesday 16th November – I had a tough meeting today at work which was extremely confrontational.  I try at all times in my life to walk away from confrontation however this was unavoidable and what I thought was going to be one meeting became hijacked by an onslaught.  However I knew it was going to be a tough day and had prepared myself mentally for it.  I took some very strong visualisation techniques with me,  tried to remember to listen and pause and wait until people had finished their thread and then paused a bit longer to consider my responses.  I also took some of John’s phrases with me from ‘ Belief in Yourself’ recording which I take great strength from.  In the end,  no one is perfect infact it’s interesting to consider the thought of  being perfectly imperfect.  Just do your best – act with integrity and importantly try not to take anything personally.  Everyone has a different point of view – they theirs / me mine.  Anyway – I went into and had the meeting and came out calm.  I only lost my temper fractionally towards the end when I was losing patience and I soon pulled it back.  I know I did my best so that’s the end of it.  Nothing to get bothered about and we’ll see what happens.  One thing is sure – I am in a good place because of John at a time when I would normally be very stressed and drinking far too much.  Needless to say,  no alcohol oh – and I had an amazing time at my mum and dad’s.  Really really amazing – but that’s for another time. My mum told me she was proud of me oh – and before I go – I use me as an 8/9/10 year old girl sitting on a swing next to me now when I am feeling low,  it’s one of John’s tools.  and it works every time. fascinating.

Thursday 18th November – aahhhhhh and mmmm……… John session today.  How lovely and relaxing.  It is so calming to just sit and talk and share stuff. We are looking at values at the moment and they start at words beginning with a and run to z.  We have been working on them for two weeks and I am on ‘ b ! ‘  Slight exaggeration obviously however we get so engrossed talking about various words – it is challenging / fun/ thought provoking / and more… it’s an interesting exercise.  I am aware that some of the time I simply listen to John’s thoughts and could really offer more however I enjoy the relaxation of just listening.  And anyway,  as John says,  ‘ nobody wanting anything ‘  or in this case John not pressing for too much from me.  I think after the sessions quite a lot in fact ‘ a lot ‘ so the exercise continues.  The results that are starting to form / show from these two sessions are a talking point in themselves.  No story today all work,  however the entire time was so much fun.  I am in a good and happy place and feel I am filling a toolbox with all types of different bits and pieces that I use daily.  It is so much better than a massage – I take John and our box of tools with me all day and night and the value of the session runs through my life.  This is a permanent ‘ massage ‘ and it’s expertly done.

Saturday 20th November – tough day yesterday again business wise.  I had to deal with a lot of people pressing on me for their own reasons and I got through it ‘ with John on my shoulder.’ not literally ofcourse – metaphorically.  I had to remember ‘ not to take anything  personally,  be impeccable with my word,  speak with integrity and to do my best.’  John will know where the quote is from and I drew on it all day. I am aware that perhaps what I think comes out of my mouth sometimes is not what has actually come out since I am prone to being a tad verbose,  however all correspondence on the day was by email alone which gave me time to prepare,  read and re-read what I was sending until I was content that what had been writtten was what I wanted to say as clearly as possible. We will see how events unravel.

Saturday day hubby and son and I all went to MK to spend some of my Birthday money and have a look round.  These trips now are lovely whereas in the past – pre-John – they often became quite frought and strained - or rather I did – which spoiled the day.  We had a lovely time and Santa is now installed in Mk so the excitement was magical for my boy ( and me ).  I realised that hubby was not enjoying the whole experience quite as much as us so gently nudged him – it did not take much – to go back to the car and read his paper and pick us up when we called him.  It worked well for all.  I had many many moments today just enjoying,  feeling,  pausing,  breathing and listening to everything. and that is another thing John has given me – my life and time back.  Just to stop and pause is a pleasure – listen to sounds and look at colours.  be in a good place.  I also had a long chat with hubby’s mum who is wonderful – I love her and I’m so lucky.  We had a John chat and she admitted to me that she always found me ‘very chatty.’  Which made us both laugh since it followed a long comment from me that I was trying to listen more,  speak slower and let people talk.  She’s great and the conversation was honest and a lot of fun.  Another calm and good place day.  As John says and I carry with me daily – no body wanting anything……..  oh,  and my mum called just to tell me she had been for a long walk with my dad and collected loads of fir cones.  Lovely

Sunday 21st November – my best friend and her boy came over for lunch today.  I can’t recall if I have mentioned her before however she’s great – very black and white and straight to the point.  for example her recent comment to my raving about ‘John this,  John that,  how did I ever live before John..’ was ‘ you ain’t cured yet !’  very amusing.  anyway it is always a lovely time when we meet because she knows everything and anything about me and nothing is taboo or off limits.  We just free flow and have a good time and our boys are best friends.  Ofcourse,  I could not resist updating her on my John experiences and she kindly listened and passed comment.  She is keen to lose weight in fact it bothers her greatly so I had already tee’d up John’s Weight Loss recording on my MP3 player in case she fancied a listen.  Which she did.  I washed up / the boys played / and she splatted on our bed and listened to John.  When she had finished we spent a long time talking through my journey and the recording and various relevances and it was interesting to hear that she picked up on John’s words ‘ you deserve to be thin’ which really worked for her and something she had never even heard or considered before.  She also said his voice was incredible and fancied him immediately !!! We played the what do you think he looks like game and then I shared a picture from John’s literature.  If she lived closer and had time,  she’d be booking in ( sorry John,  I tried – she lives in Leicester ).  Anyway – a really lovely and relaxing day .  Again – nobody wanting anything.  A very ‘ present’ day

Monday 22nd November – I finished the Four Agreements last night which was such an important read and I hope to adopt its teachings more and more each day.  It will remain on my bedside table as a permanent companion.  I then opened and started Rapid Cognitive Therapy immediately which is compulsive – I can’t wait to get my head into it tonight.  I went to sleep with Belief again ! I now know it word for word and I am totally engrossed in it.  I have a story and dream ‘film/ movie’ playing in my head when I listen to it and it is so strong.  I was on the way to my close friend’s for coffee this afternoon and bumped into John in Buckingham – it was like seeing teacher outside school which was fun. He finished our conversation with ‘ big one this week’ and a smile.  Ofcourse I asked immediately if it included a story since the last two weeks have not included one ( I love his stories so much – they take me to a different place ) and he smiled and said yes and that it would take an hour and I had to remove my shoes.  I can’t wait.  I walked along to my friends with such a grin.  Everything is good – very very good. Business is all over the place and I should be climbing the walls with worry but John has given me ( and hubby ) a very very good sanctuary.

Tuesday 23rd November – I had an interesting evening yesterday.  Firstly I had started reading Rapid Cognitive Therapy on Sunday evening and it is compulsive.  It’s a companion for actual therapists as opposed to the books I have been reading to date and I started to feel like I had ‘swapped chairs ‘ with John which was for two nights of reading brilliant.  I was fascinated / hungry/ reading at speed / flipping pages and skipping chapters to get to  ‘ juicy ‘ bits however I have now put it down and swopped to Power v Force especially after sharing my feelings with John.  It was a very diffcult thing to do but I realised I felt like a student who had found the examination paper on the floor at school and was reading it slyly before the actual examination.  It is going to be difficult to leave it closed for now but I do not want to spoil the journey I am on with John and reading the questions and answers before they are presented feels like cheating. I am exceptionally keen to study – and hubby has said if I am still so driven in January then I can do a course or rather ‘he will support me’ so I can do the course ( the power of language hey ? ) – however just now in the ‘present’ the book and content better serves me sat on my lounge table as a teaser.

Secondly – hubby and I had a long discussion last night til very late – no alcohol for me and no problem at all – discussing business first and then me/John.  I watched the clock and purposefully tried not to say anything at all except for asking open questions when absolutely necessary and I managed to say very little indeed for 45mins ( unheard of !!! and the deliberate action was interesting ).  We discussed many things the most interesting fact being that stuff came out that I could not have ever considered eg. we had eaten as a family in House of Fraser on Saturday and I had thought nothing at all about having two apples and a bowl of carrots for my lunch.  Infact it had been quite amusing as the manager must have seen me come in and had the bowl of carrots waiting for me !!! ( another routine John ) I had thought nothing at all about eating that lunch however it turned out last night that hubby felt – in a nice way as he does not have a bad bone in his body – I had not joined in the family lunch.  He felt I had excluded him and my boy in a way by eating the apples and carrots when they both had sandwiches and crisps etc. ( aside / when we are on our own me and my boy always have a bowl of carrots and peas to share ).  Hubby could not comprehend that I actually wanted to have the apples and carrots by choice – not by diet or anything else,  but by choice and that I thoroughly enjoyed them as much as he enjoyed his sandwich.  Anyway – it was an interesting conversation amoungst quite a few other things that would not have been drawn out had I not listened and poked around gently.

As John says ‘ it’s all very well getting over excited by this journey,  but it’s important to slow down and live it for a bit day by day / hour by hour.  make mistakes / re-read stuff / pause and consider and enjoy…’ etc not an exact quote by far and far be it from me to put words in ‘ The Great One’s ‘ mouth   Anway – all good……….

PS – Hubby added that the RCT book was like reading the magician’s hand book before seeing the tricks on stage – quite an interesting comment and he gets some of the struggle dynamic I am having with the book and where I am now with John.

Wednesday 24th November – I almost want to leave a very large gap here until I write tomorrow.  I had the most incredible evening yesterday and the most incredible night and morning this morning.  I exchanged emails with John about the RCT book yesterday and our exchange clearly threw up several important markers.  Perhaps the most powerful was his consideration that now could be a time for living with my new feelings / thoughts / beliefs – an action phase.  I have noticed over the last few weeks that if I focus very hard when I am listening to John’s recordings a very strange but real thing happens.  When I am listening to his words it’s as if I am tuning in a radio and at first there is a little static and sometimes more,  however if I concentrate very hard I am able to tune in and suddenly his voice changes.  I know exactly the moment it happens and feel that I have slipped into another world.  It is completely conscious and once I have reached that state I try extremely hard to stay with it.  More often than not I have to keep gentle retuning however to be in that ‘tuned’ place is amazing.  And I can now do it in the car when I am driving.  I can tune into music and it’s wonderful – the tone/ volume / sounds suddenly change.  I can also do it when I am listening to people speak.  I noticed it first when we were in Synagogue for Yom Kippur and mentioned it in my blog then.  I remember my boy and hubby had left to play in the children’s room because I very much wanted to listen to and hear the Sermon which at the time was also a wow moment since the Rabbi focussed on Grattitude and told the story of Issak Pearlman ( not correct spelling – apologies ) and the string breaking on his violin a few mins into his performance.  I actually remember so vividly deliberately focussing so hard on the Rabbi’s words – I put on a metaphorical pair of John’s ‘ headphones’ and listened intently to only her words.  They came through loud and clear with clarity that I am now hearing in John’s words / other people’s words when I manage to ‘tune in.’  I have to make reference also to the importance Dom Miguel puts on The Word in the Four Agreements.  The Word is so important so be impeccable with it.  Use it wisely and well since it is powerful indeed. Changing the point slightly, I defrosted my hubby’s car this morning just because I wanted to and did it very slowly indeed.  No need to rush at all eventhough I started by rushing – I slowed myself right down on purpose and watched the patterns / listened to sounds and listened to my breathing.  I breathe less when I rush and in a completely different way.  It’s like writing quickly or driving with hands tight on the wheel – just to loosen my grip on the wheel and the pencil and ease back is such a life changing thing to do.  Calmness in two such small actions.  I am in a very very good place today – even better than yesterday.  And Power v Force is just off the scale – it’s amazing.  I am going to sign off now as I want to do some work,  but this is a very very good day.

8pm – hubby stuck in London so I am sneaking another blog moment.  It has been such a bizarre day as many have recently.  Business stuff is awful and I still feel sometimes I am treading mud to get through it,  the resolution to our problems is so slow.  But ( but ) in the real world of me,  I am fine. Infact I am in such a calm and quiet place.  I saw a man walking a dog this morning at around 8am along the track near where we live and he had stopped to brush the frost from a mirror that someone uses daily to help them reverse safely out of their drive.  It really struck me – it’s not his drive or mirror,   it may be that he knows the person who lives there – but either way it was such a lovely thing to see.  So kind. and he was doing it so methodically.  he was really taking time and care to do it properly and was in no rush at all.  My world seemed to slow down to almost a stand still as I passed him and I have re-run the images many times today.  I contacted the college today which offers the Hypnotherapy course I intend to study in the New Year and I now have all the details and talking about it with the lady gave me a warm feeling.  Most of the course work is set by Terence Watts who wrote Warriors Settlers Nomads and also the RCT book ( which is why I wanted it – I like his writing style ). I’m so so very happy.  John tomorrow and a big session apparently – I will not sleep tonight ! no alcohol again now since my Birthday and I have dropped 2lbs as well.  I love this.

last thing – I am aware that I have two companions with me at all times – my horse character who is usually infront of me looking towards me,  we press foreheads often,  and a girl ( me at a young age ) on a swing sitting next to me on a swing . so powerful and restful and reassuring.

Thursday 25th November – well – where do I start ?! If anyone is reading this I cannot tell you what happened today with the ‘ this is going to be a biggie session and you will take your shoes off ‘ comment John tossed to me on Monday when I bumped into him in town.  If I told here it would spoil the fun anyone else would clearly have with the exeprience John gave me.  It’s a secret and a wonderful one. Very very clever and allowable and I can’t wait to share it with my friends since a few of them knew I was poised for today’s session.  John’s story today was all encompassing and certainly there were a lot of a very gentle but definite wow moments.  His story followed a weaving path through our sessions to date and I was warmed to hear details pulled out and presented that are unique to my journey with John.  Small facts / big facts / people / places / companions – real  and imaginary and lovely rolling reviews of where I have been / am and now can be.  It is moving me into an action / living it phase as opposed to learning / discussing / reading / listening phase.  For example I am so full on with the journey and my growth that I feel the constant desire when anyone  shares a difficulty with me I jump straight in with what I think they could do /  how John could help them  etc etc I just want to heal / fix / mend / help them.  However this is actually a bit rude of me – ‘ you should be like this / do that / this is what I would do / this is how you could change etc.’  I should listen and let people make their own decisions based on their story and dream.  John explored ‘ love’ and ‘care’ and I will run the session in my mind over and over and over just to try to truely get to grips with what he was saying.  He is so clear and I need now to think about what he said and understand it for myself.  And let people have their own journeys.  Just so long as I do my best then that’s fine and people may or may not see that or the effects of it.  I had a great session today – just wonderful.  We smile,  we laugh out loud and John nudges me gently in to some very profound places – easy and difficult / uncomfortable and comfortable.  Infact I actually get some strange pleasure out of playing with the uncomfortable – kind of good to have a dig around in that ‘ cupboard under the stairs ‘ in John’s ‘safe house.’  Unconditional is becoming a word we share often and it’s a good word. I am still smiling at what actually happened today………go see John and find out for yourself.

Friday 25th November – excellent day – saw John AGAIN ‘out of school.’  A more sceptical person would say that the entire thing was planned however my version is that my best friend listened to John’s Weight Loss (1) recording last Sunday and connected with it immediately ( with the help of a huge amount of ear bashing from me John this / John that / John is brilliant etc etc etc etc ).  She has lost 5lbs now and tonight I spoke to her and she says she cannot believe the affect it has had on her.  at only one listening ! she said she does not feel at all like she is on any diet at all and that any choices she makes are hers – she connected with the ‘you deserve to be thin’ words and the references to fresh running water ( which I connected with as well the only time I listened to it ).  Anyway – for her Birthday I have bought her an mp3 player and asked John if he would kindly sell me one of his cds for my friend and upload it onto the unit for me since I have no interest or ability to do it myself.  My time is best enjoyed reading / reading / reading / hungry / hungry ….. John kindly – no surprise there – said yes and myself and my son popped over at lunchtime.  It was as always very very lovely to see him and my son plonked himself very comfortably into ‘ the chair .’  There was another kindness from John – but that’s between me and him ( he is allowed secrets – as I have said,  find out for yourself ! ).  I called my best friend and she is climbing the walls for the recordings- I have promised to mail them out tomorrow first class super Special delivery.  It’s been an excellent day,  an excellent,  excellent day thankyou John.

Saturday 27th November 2010 – I shared few drinks with hubby last night which I enjoyed.  I did not need or want them however he had had a good day at work and ( like last time we shared a few drinks ) it was much more about him than me.  I know he is totally supportive of my sessions with John and the affect they are having on me, however he was pleased I agreed to share a few drinks last night.  I have no need to have any tonight.  We drank whisky and it was very good indeed and we had a laugh about stuff.  It’s good to be able to choose to have a drink and that was the initial reason for seeing John – ofcourse it has become about so much more…………..  I posted my friends mp3 player today to her with John’s recordings – she is so excited and told me she has lost another 3lbs and is so amazed at such a response from only one listen to John’s weight loss recording.  She is going to be waiting for the post man on Monday at the door.  Took my son to see the lights being swtiched on in Buckingham this evening – hubby was allowed to stay home as he had a man cold ! – and I put up the Christams Tree today WITH MY SON.  I type that in capitals because this was a big thing for me.  Usually the tree gets put up and decorated by me and me alone with no help at all from anyone else .  I love doing it and it has to be totally my thing.  My son helped select – with the odd nudge from me which I just could not resist – where balls and sparkly things went and no alcohol at all.  Usually there would have been a lot of champagne drunk from very early in the day.  We had a lovely time – I may yet ( probably – actually most likely ) will move a few bits around.  However I will try not to.  Lovely lovely day – oh,  and when we got home hubby had hoovered ( unheard of ) some of the bits off the floor and filled the coal bucket up and opened my garage.  Hey – life’s good

Sunday 28th November – I had a tougher day today – I felt edgy and a little tense.  I dream vividly and remember them ( I practised dream recollection for years at University with a yoga teacher ) and can even control them on occasion which is always a thrill.  Anyway – I woke up this morning and my dream had focussed on the problems we are having in hubby’s business with an aggressive business partner.  I dreamed that he had filled my desk drawer with yellow,  blue,  white,  green and red pieces of childrens lego and also that when I walked into his office he was at the back end of having had two hookers – there was stuff everywhere ( use your imagination – trust me,  mine was very helpful !! ) and the girls were half dressed and draped over a chair and he was paying them very openly.  I guess the lego is because he is so childish when we row and the girls is because he is always trying to embarrass and belittle me infront of staff / anyone.  So – the point being – I woke up with these things floating round my head and the feelings from the dream have been with me most of the day.  Funnily enough in my dream I laughed at his lego stunt and was indifferent about the girls – certainly no issue to me.  So John’s teachings and ‘tool box stuff’ prevailed -  but just focussing on the business partner left a nuggett of tension in my belly all day that I could not shake off totally despite my best endeavours.  Alternatively,  hubby has been ill all day and everyone around me seems to be down with something.  I have a good immune system thanks to a GP father and years working with people and children who sneezed and coughed everything into my system,  so maybe I’m just fighting something.

Anyway – I’m back into Power v Force again tonight followed by House ( yum ) and bed with probably John’s Sleep recording – I fancy a trip to a Sleep Temple in Egypt……………….

Monday 29th November – I still had tension in my belly today however by lunchtime I had decided to ‘sctratch any itches that may be bothering me’ so I made a few brave calls and am pleased I did since the conversations alleviated some of the tension.  I do think I am also fighting some bug. and it has been so cold.  My best friend walked me home on her mobile phone from her work to her door step and more importantly her letterbox – she was desparate to get John’s recordings and texted me this morning to say that – arrhhh – she had been asked to stay all day ( she is a part time teacher ) so would not get to the post until at least 4pm.  They arrived and she was full of ‘ he’s got a gorgeous voice hasn’t he .’  She charged the mp3 player up immediately and is in for an early night and bed with John ! so now we are sharing him – along with who knows how many other admirers.  I’ll call her tomorrow although I expect a text at 11ish tonight.  Lots of fun.  Tough day tomorrow but hey ho – stuff has to be done so go do it. in truth – life is good

Monday 30th November – son woke up poorly and there was snow everywhere so we are gronded today – no trip into work.  I’d have liked to have gone in today as I just need to get it done however I will go in tomorrow and have been able to work from home.  Sometimes these things are better dealt with by email anyway.  Who knows – we plod on.  Son is now much improved and playing so I am managing to do a fair bit of work.  If the snow stops me seeing John on Thursday the novelty will certainly have worn off !! my mate got disturbed twice last night trying to listen to John’s recordings by her less than interested or supportive hubby – she is sleeping in the spare room tonight ! I feel a bit lost today as I do not do change in routine well at all and today is an example of it.  I get easily distracted – however the world will not fall apart if I have one disfunctional day.  The snow looks lovely and the birds are plentiful – the greater spotted woodpecker has been around all day and many others. I’m going to fill the bird feeders now.  This is probably the least interesting blog I have ever writtten ! no moments to comment on at all.  However life as always is good and I  did manage to get all the way to the end of Sleep last night which was a pleasure……

Tuesday 1st December – tough tough day today which began with threateneing texts from bonkers business partner at 12.40am followed by similar emails this morning.  I knew when the first text came in as I was up hourly with my son who has been ill with temp and cough.  I’m not cut out for confrontation or conflict and I’ve rarely expeienced it since I always walk away however this time it has not been so easy to walk away.  I have spent the day feeling like I am keeping spinning plates on poles with the plates being John’s various tools.  Not the best analogy however it’s how I’ve felt all day.  There were a few that very nearly fell off but I caught them in the nick of time. I spent the day trying to be happy and fun with my boy whilst speaking to barristers and lawyers and staff and hubby who was in London in this weather – and he drove down.  I have also spent the day trying not to revert to type – ie not harbouring emotions of hate and fear and pain and anger and ‘ it’s not fair.’  I tried so hard to replace them with acceptance / belief and honesty that I am doing my best in all ways / thinking that something not being fair does not mean you are entitled to something – life’s like that / and trying to get through an emotional day combatting old emotions with more positive new ones.  Ofcourse,  it all helped and pre-John I would never have been so calm but my belly is aching and I know it’s stress.  I remember in one of our early maybe first sessions John asking where I was in my body ( *?!”`bizarre question ) and me saying almost immediately my belly so that’s what gets the flack when I am under pressure. AND I have cancelled my session with John because my boy will not get to nursery tomorrow.  I think I would have just walked in and sat down and begged for back to back stories.  I am also focussing strongly on visualisations of when this will all be over because,  let’s face it, it will be over at some point. It’s been going on since June and actually I have had totally enough – it’s all so unimportant in the measure of real life,  however it is just so right here / right now horrid and nasty. The worst thing is the nastiness but I guess I knew it would go like this.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing that is also a stupid saying since all that is necessary is to do your best each day and believe it.  And ‘ not taking anything people say personally  ( one of the four agreements ) has been very useful.  Hubby is due home in a bit and I know we will then sit and talk and try and thrash out the day – I just so want it all over because it lurks in the background of an otherwise lovely life especially with my new John outlook.  It won’t be the last time I’m sure - everybody is different and that has potential to cause conflicts at various times.  However,  our solicitor says this has been particularly nasty and not on our part. ……………. just took a phone call from a new friend who has been through therapy years ago who knows the score re the business stuff.  He said alot of John-isms and ‘ made it real.’ I shall miss John very much tomorrow but will as always keep him with me all day by my side looking out over a terrace to the most beautiful place I can imagine…………’

Thursday 2nd December – it has been a long day and this is going to be a short one.  I spent the day listening to John ( in my mind ) reminding me to ‘ let it go…’ which is always a good thing.  No plates fell of their poles today however I did manage to lose my temper for about 10 seconds – a lot for me since I do not lose my temper often and believe if you lose your temper you lose the arguement.  I just snapped for a second but pulled it back.  Poorly son,  nasty business partner,  tired me ( from being up 5 or 6 times last night and the night before with poorly son ) was as good a test as any of my new found strengths.  AND no session with John Going to cook dinner now and relax – nobody wanting anything

Friday 3rd December – much much better day.  Head in air after great clarity this morning.  I have conditioned / allowed myself a new found technique I picked up from warriors / settlers / nomads.  In short – give your subconscious an issue to deal with and agree with it that you will come back to it at an agreed time and date for the answer.  Sounds a bit bonkers but how many times do you try and recall someone’s name and then give up trying to remember it … only to have it pop into your mind randomly some time later ? well the crux is that your subconscious carries on working even if you think ‘you’ have moved on.  So it carries on trying to recall the name until it finds it and gives it to you – cool hey ?!! well,  it works with probems as well – give it a problem as clearly as possible and tell it when you are coming back for the answer.  Apart from anything , because you have set a certain time to return to it and are trusting your subconscious with the problem YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT IT until the appointed time. Double cool – so it does not go round and round in your conscious mind.  Elegant.  Anyway it popped me an excellent idea this morning bang on the appointed time and I have been smiling ever since.  Another John tool !  lovely.  making dinner now with a smile and a happy head and John as always somewhere close by…..:-)

Saturday 4th December – I had a bad start to the day – my old phone finally gave up last week having hinted for ages and hubby gave me an old one ( but modern ) of his however I am TERRIBLE  with change / new gadgets / gadgets in general.  I have no interest in them at all which is fine except sometimes it is necessary to upgrade stuff because it is wearing out and I always leave it til the last minute.  Anyway the inevitable happened – some of the numbers did not transfer etc etc and this morning I had to sort out an emergency leak for a tenant and did not have the right numbers to hand immediately.  Ofcourse I lost track of how much of an emergency it really was – in truth it was a water leak and all that needed to be done quite quickly was to turn the water of ( durrr ) and then get a plumber out.  However for me a deluge was occuring and I had no way of getting the plumbers number except by driving hubby bonkers to get into my old phone asap.  He was amazing – he read the signs – and spent a very calm 10 mins getting me the right numbers so I could sort the problem then another 30mins transferring all my numbers.  So – the world did not end.  There was a lot of thankyou / I’m so grateful / I know you have made a special effort for me etc etc etc and he also looked after our boy this afternoon so I could catch up on the mountain of work that has been sitting on my desk whilst our boy has been ill and off nursery.  And then he put on Toy Story which we all watched and it was calming and nice and Christmassy.  Peace at last

Sunday 5th December – I am now in danger of being so laid back I forget something however in my new zone I actually think forgetting anything now would not be a problem.  eg what if I forget a Birthday ? wow,  terrible / embarrassment / how can I ever make up for it ???!!! not anymore.  So now if I forget a Birthday I would simply send a late present and say I forgot.  The world did not stop and if the recipient has a problem then it’s their problem.  I do my best daily / hourly and if I forget a Birthday,  I simply forgot. Ok – the background to this totally chilled out attitude is that today I decided to do some serious Christmas shopping.  Yes – on a Sunday !!! AND I simply got up when it suited me and my boy ( hubby at golf all day ),  we had brekky,  did some stuff and then left for MK when we were ready with no stress at all about the fact that we were not going to get there until at least 1pm by which time clearly it would be manic.  I drove slowly and enjoyed the drive, enjoyed ( yes enjoyed ) doing the car park dance and being amused by the strained faces and parking space rucks.  We parked,  we had lunch,  we queued and enjoyed the process talking to people and enjoying simply stopping for a while and listening and enjoying the buzz,  we shopped and had a lot of stress free fun people watching.  AND no stress about presents – I just bought what I thought people would like and at the price it cost,  no rubbish about having to spend a specific amount and all the stress about how much they might spend.  Choose the present with care and consideration / buy it / give it with joy.  We then sauntered home.  What a difference from previous years ( although I have always enjoyed Christmas and the mad run up to it).  Wonderful.  I heard myself all day saying ‘ nobody wanting anything…………’ fun,  lots of fun. Power v Force again tonight – love it.

Tuesday December 7th – what a beautiful day. I dropped my boy at nursery at 8.30am and the drive was so lovely.  the frost on the trees and bushes was dream like – straight out of Narnia. and the sky was so blue.  I did have a rotten day planned at work which started at 1pm however I was well prepared with John tools and also with the necessary paperwork.  So it went my way for now.  And John said we can do a nice session on Thursday which I am very much looking forward to.  It’s been a very tough 10 days on the back of a rough few months.  Hubby home late tonight so I’m off to eat and watch my own tv and light a fire. I don’t know if I have the energy to read tonight. roll on Thursday.

Wednesday 8th December – I have had a murderous 10days and I just cannot wait to see John tomorrow.  However my boy talking excitedly about going to see ‘ Farmer ‘ Christmas and ‘giving baby Jesus a bowl of porridge ( he is a bear ?1*¬=\!? in the school nativity )’ is a great leveller plus singing constantly ( and I mean constantly ) We Wish You a Merry Christmas to me.  Real life is good,  it’s just the run of the mill business thingy that is cr*p right now. and my legal team have said I have to trust them………. not something I am finding easy at all despite thinking highly of them.  We will see – visualization / visualization / visualization of THE END ………… hey what’s the worst that can happen.  We lose ? not that bad really since we already have what is the most important thing in the world in ourselves. Tomorrow – can’t wait

Thursday 9th December – ofcourse,  my session was so gentle today.  I had had a bit of a wobble of intense emotion just after I had dropped my boy off at nursery.  One of the other parents – a really lovely lady who we have shared coffee with on occasion and I would enjoy spending more time with – hadn’t seen me for ages.  She knew I was having business problems and when she saw me she was so shocked.  I’ve dropped two stone since I’ve seen her and I looked a bit rough ( fighting a cold / no sleep / plus a tough week again this week ) and it was so obvious that she was shocked.  She just honestly blurted out ‘ are you ok ‘ and got met by me bursting into tears.  Anyway I pulled it back and we promised to meet up,  and then got into the car only to lose it again driving because of a song.  So by the time I got to my usual lay by ‘ let’s listen to a John recording before the session treat’ I looked cr*p.  I had taken a ‘repair kit’ as I expected to lose it with John so sorted my face out and mood out in the car.  It’s all been just a little bit too much this week – that and my boy being ill.  And I don’t like to show my emotions to my hubby or else he will feel more pressure than he is dealing with at the moment.  So I keep myself / ourselves strong with John’s ‘ tool box.’  Hubby says he is enjoying second hand therapy. Anyway – it was wonderful to drive to John’s and just turning into his road softened ( one of his words ) my mood greatly.  What was interesting was that I had fully expected and wanted to cry and release some very pent up emotions in the session but when John opened the door he was wearing a very smart shirt and jeans – cool – and my immediate thought was ‘ I can’t get make up all over that.’  and clearly removing it is not in the remit !! the session was kind and did release a lot of emotion.  I must have sat for over an hour quietly with my eyes closed listening to one of John’s stories which took me on a calming journey and gently nudged through some stuff I was dealing with in John’s usual reassuring way.  He has the habit of popping in really personal stuff when you least expect it. He hears and he listens. He also subtly rebooted my drinking control mechanism as I have had a drink every night for 10days.  nothing ilke I was drinking however it could have been a slippery road.  All rebooted now.  He’s kind,  clever and soft – and it was just what I needed. and he’s strong.  no make up on his shirt by the end of the session – it was a strange dynamic to the session. the thought ‘you can’t lose it now or else he may feel you need an arm and then all your make up  will ruin that shirt’ kept popping into my head. anyway – all calm now……………………….. how many days til Thursday …..?

Friday 10th December – took my boy to see ‘Farmer’ Christmas today in Mk.  It ws so lovely and he was so excited.  He was spell bound when we went into the room and Santa was very convincing.  And we spent at least 30mins running around the rest of the attractions in MK – it was really really lovely and brought a tear to my eye for all the right reasons.  It was a day of ‘ being not doing’ and there were some really special moments.  Even Grandma’s and Grandad’s talking to my boy in queues was nice – they were all full of Santa and Christmas and smiles. I was also proud of myself because I managed to put together a set of ‘ a day in the life ‘ photos of a teddy my sister had made for my boy for his Birthday.  We took him out all day and in to see Santa and took loads of photos and I know she will love it for Christmas – she’ll probably cry she’s such a softee and she adores my boy.  Anyway – a lovely and mad busy day with all the business rubbish still going on – but who cares,  I’m not letting it ruin my day with my boy. Hubby out at meeting tonight so a big Power v Force readathom planned. nothing better. oh – and no alcohol and no neediness for it. and the tied tight ships rope knot that has been ginding in my stomache has disappeared – thankyou John.  a very very comprehensive session on Thursday which pressed a lot of buttons.

Saturday 11th December – I have such a lot going on in my head at the moment plus all the usual stuff running up to Christmas.  I revert to old beliefs frequently however the instant switch to ‘John’ is becoming almost automatic.  Stuff that would have been all consuming before is now at least bearable even if it is in a deliberate way ie. I have to talk my way round emotions and issues and find the new path though.  I’m so grateful for the tools I am using and also that I pass them onto hubby as it’s tough right now.  However the ‘tough’ is just rubbish which I know we will deal with as best as we can and that’s all we can do.  also – I have to try and not worry about what could happen,  since it clearly has not yet happened and even if it did we would deal with it.  I’m talking my way through it now…….. sounds easier than I’m feeling.

I bought something today which I was especially pleased with – I hope it is a thoughtful present for a friend.

Listening to John again tonight – belief – I’m lost in it at the moment………………..

Sunday 12th December – no alcohol again last night and no neediness either again so I’m pleased – ofcourse John’s reboot has worked.  And I slept very well indeed last night after listening to Belief.  However,  it’s still tough.  Very very touch.  The business rot is difficult to manage especially I guess against the back drop of getting everything ready for Chrismas,   running my own business stuff etc etc.  I ( we ) bailed on a family get together today because our heads just could not take it in any way shape or form.  I have no way of knowing when the rot will end and it is costing fortunes financially and emotionally – the waiting and hoping is exhausting in both instances.  And we cannot walk away without substantial cost.  and we are now trusting our legal team,  which is eating away at me.  it’s all a bit too much.

Anyway,  thank goodness for John or where we would be right now I just do not know.  I’ll rest tonight with Sleep I think – I fancy a trip to a temple somewhere remote – and tomorrow is tomorrow.

Monday 13th December – there is something very very good and lovely about sitting on a carousel horse next to your boy and gently bobbing up and down to organ music,  then being aware all day of his joy at simply ‘the world and life.’  No cares at all except what is happening right here, right now and true pleasure in ‘being.’  Against a back drop of utter nightmarish horrors I have had just the most lovely day with my boy. Christams talk and excitement about the simplest things and kind smiles from people sharing our space.  As I have written before, I would nevere had had this strength before John and it is such a support.  Hubby better today and motivated. No alcohol again last night and no neediness and went to sleep with Sleep which I think I will take with me tonight.  Lovely ,  really lovely.

Wednesday 15th December – email was bouncing in and out of use yesterday which was a tad annoying but the worst is that I could not update my blog.  I have become reliant on it – it is a connection to my journey,  a reinforcement and I think it feels like pressing just one of the various reset buttons I now have in my armoury and use daily.  I do not have time to do this blog now as the day has just been full of meetings / calls / life etc etc however here I am.  And here I should be indeed.  So I am typing slowly now and enjoying a bit of me time.  I’m out at a friends for a catchup tonight with a few mates so I’m actually looking forward to saying nothing and resting. no alcohol again last night or for a week infact- and none tonight – and no neediness.  Clever John.  AND John tomorrow – can’t wait. Sooo can’t wait – it’s real stop,  me time.  I’m better this week after John pressed the reset despite the business stuff still being at red level – and his tool to stop my stomach cramping up is just amazing.  It works every time and also I had not realised how much I tighten it – constantly infact to keep it flat.  I can still keep it flat with John’s relaxation tool,  so I’m winning all the way.  Dropped a few more lbs this week which I’m secretly pleased about ( hubby is not over the moon ) – I have not been this weight in 12 years !! and then it was artificially maintained ( make of that what you will ). I am healthy , thin and happy….. life is good.  John tomorrow ………..   the only missing thing is my reading at night – I have not read in about a week as my evenings have been full with work and Christmas cards.  I am missing my power v force adventure but will catch up next week.

Thursday 16th December – we had an amazing session today. John caught me off guard as he has done a few times in the past and the challenge was provocative.  My mind felt like it had lunged head long into another world for a while – right here,  right now and SO close.  It was full on and direct.  I’d love to do it again but it will never be the same – the immediacy of the challenge and my struggled response was incredible.  His story was also excellent today and as usual placed some very personal details neatly into relevant sections.  I concentrated fully today and nearly dropped off twice. It left me with a confidence that I am finally getting to a calm place – a good and calm and peaceful place. It was wonderful…..

Friday 17th December – I had a lovely day today – it was our son’s 1st Nativity at nursery and he was a bear whose only line was ‘ I am bringing a bowl of porridge to baby Jesus.’  I’m not sure where a bear came into The Story however it was The Nativity in Fairytale Land so I guess that makes it ok.  Anyway,  both me and hubby were quite emotional especially as when our son appeared he looked straight for us and then gave a big wave,  then half way through piped up very loudly ‘ Daddy I can’t see you.’  Ahhhh…. bless.  It was a special afternoon and with the snow everywhere the entire day was lovely and a moment to remember.  Re my session on Thursday : I just cannot get it out of my head.  It was such a right here,  right now close up and personal session and it is sitting very directly with me.  It was powerful and is in me very closely.  Such a simple exercise – a direct challenge. Anyone reading this – curious ? go find out for yourself.  I love all the tricks John keeps playing with – it’s a lot of fun,  a very nice diversion and provocative.  I need the opposite of controlling please anyone – we sat and couldn’t decide on what it was ( less controlling is the best we had but not good enough ).  It’s driving me nicely mad – I’ll call my Dad – he’ll know.  nice to have these worries,  hey.

Saturday 18th December – I had a tough decision to make today.  Not necessarily because it was difficult but because I would normally have made it very complicated.  My friend got married today and her venue was in Marlow.  Last night the weather forecast was dire however I would normally have worried all night and this morning about not being able to go – how would she feel,  how could I NOT go,  the weather was not an excuse etc etc etc.  But yesterday I simply knew that I would make the decision at 10am this morning based on facts and the decision would be mine.  A good honest decision made for the best reasons for me and my family and if anyone had a problem then it was their problem – I had done / would do my best.  This took all the stress and complications out of making the decision and at 10am with snow piling onto the lane and more forecast I called the Planner and apologised for our absence and asked that he make sure our places at the table were reset for obvious reasons.  I then called my friend at 4pm when I knew she would be getting married and her phone off and left a nice message.  Job done.  This would never have been so easy in the past – infact I may possibly have left very early and booked a hotel close to the venue to stop overnight should we have needed to which would have been a tad silly and dangerous given the present and forecast weather conditions.  So I’m sorry I missed her Day however it was for the right reasons.

Also – re the opposite of controlling : I asked my Dad who knows everything and he came back with ‘monitoring’ which I love.  Ofcourse I emailed John immediately. Monitoring is an excellent word.  John said he liked it and it would do until I ‘had earned enough energy points to simply trust,  accept and let go.’  What a goal. Elegant as John would say. I love this .

Sunday 19th December – I spent 5 hours (10hours in total ) with my friend digging out my drive today because it was over a foot deep in snow and there was no way we would get out without accepting my neighbours exceptionally kind offer of borrowing their 4 wheel drive again ( we had it for 2 weeks last year which was amazing – how many people get loaned a car in thick snow.  They are incedible neighbours.  She actually said if I gave it back to her before the snow melted she would bring it straight back onto my drive.  Amazing ).  anyway,  whilst she is just incredible and is more than insistent for me to borrow it,  I felt I should make the effort to dig out the drive which I thought would take two of us a few hours. mmmm – it took – as I said – 5 hours. However we had such fun.  AND normally I would have felt all guilty – who knows why – that I had left hubby to entertain our boy.  This time – oh no. If he needs me he will come and find me in the meantime I’m helping us all by clearing the drive.  He did go out immedately in the car and get Sunday papers etc as he was going stir crazy and he thanked me over and over.  I really enjoyed clearing the snow.  Such a simple and potentially boring task was a pleasure and I did not rush at all.  It was a lovely day and we worked hard together breaking off every now and again for a coffee / lunch and a chat and a look at the views which were spectacular.  The sun had a crystal halo round it which I have only seen once before years ago on a family walking holiday – I like walking and textures and calmness….  – and we saw some lovely birds.  My new found perspective is giving me so much.  Calmness and pleasure in simple and complex things.   And we sat afterwards and he had a glass of wine and I had coffee.  Still no alcohol although the wine looked nice.  A very different day from what it would have been a year ago. life is good and I like it.

Monday 20th December – Iam really enjoying my new outlook on life.  Two things that stood out ( I say that because so much happens now automatically that I only notice the deliberate instances ) today gave me calmness when historically I would have been in a different place entirely.  Firstly I had arranged to meet several friends today with children the same age to swop presents etc. Given that the weather and driving conditons were a bit dire and moreover the venue was up a steep hill from a main road I did not fancy it at all.  And a friend had slid down the hill yesterday into the road.  I decided very easily this morning that I did not want to go and sent a text to which I got return texts in agreement.  I made the decision so so easily based on what I wanted,  and did not let the usual ‘ what will they think / maybe I’m being a wimp etc etc ‘ thoughts anywhere near me.  My new outlook takes all the stress out of making decisions especially like this one.  The second thing was that I thought we had agreed to give one of the girls £10 and let her distribute four presents that she had bought for our children as there was a bit of a breakdown in communication somewhere.  It suited me and I had the £10 ready.  However it soon transpired that I had misunderstood and that it had been re-agreed we all swop our own presents.  Normally – mad dash into Buckingham for presents / today – £10 in an envelope with a nice card and a brief explanation that I had misunderstood.  Fab/ easy / stress free / the right thing to do for me.  I patted myself on the back and smiled.  I had a lovely day with my boy making a snowman and baking cakes.

I did watch a brilliant film at the weekend which is rare a) because I never have time for a full film b) because I now read most nights all my new books and c) a good film is a treat.  It was called Inception – the new Leonardo DiCaprio film.  It’s all about planting an inspiration in the mind of someone whilst they are dreaming so that when they wake up they think the idea is theirs. It was a lot of fun and very good – especially against the background of where I am right now on my journey.  worth a look anyway.

Went to sleep with Pain again last night – I’ve not listened to it in about 10days – wonderful.  the end is incredible…….very now and close.  I slept very well and dreamed.

Tuesday 21st December – maybe just maybe I am really getting this new way of living….. I left this morning all confident ‘ ofcourse I will get my boy into nursery / I lived in Yorkshire and Cheshire for years and drove in thick snow with ease / no problem at all.’  mmmm – you guessed it,  3/4 a mile from home I got stuck and so did three other cars.  However I simply rang hubby to let him know and told him clearly where I was and if he could call me that would be nice. Normally I would have been a bit flustered and snappy - since clearly it would not have been my fault.  I actually listened to my answerphone message that I left for hubby as he did not pick up at home straight away and was amazed at the slowness of my voice and the exact and accurate clear information I gave.  No errs or mmms or vagueness.  Just clear no fuss stuff – I have had this as a goal with John : to be more succinct and less verbose.  Amazing .  Anyway,  no need for hubby as all drivers involved helped eachother out and off I went back home.  THEN another easy thing to do : I accepted that I had a lot of work to do and simply told my boy I needed to work in my office ( he is 3 ) and asked if he minded playing with his toys and watching TV whilst I did some work.  We chose the toys he wanted and I guiltlessly went into my office and worked.  He bobbed in every now and again to offer me a ‘ toy cup of coffee / some lunch ‘ etc and the entire process was stress free. NO guilt about him watching TV for a few hours. wow.  THEN I called my neighbour who insists we borrow her 4 wheel drive whenever it snows and kindly accepted her offer with the srpirit in which she offers it.  Amazing again.  Lovely – just lovely.  Calmess,  peace and no stress in a day that could have been a nightmare for me.  AND no alcohol. Thankyou John – see you Thursday

Wednesday 22nd December – just a quote tonight because it has sat with me for several says now and I like it :

‘ Because they are in touch with an endless source of supply ,  geniuses experience only a minimun of want  ( such simplicity seems a common characteristic of true success in general ) for there is no need to ‘ get ‘ when you already ‘ have .’            Power v Force.

John tomorrow

Thursday 23rd December – so much happened today that I am not going to mention everything.  My entire life has changed since I met John and some of my stuff is automatic now and a pleasure and a lot is still very deliberate ( and a pleasure ).  I took the car back to my neighbour this afternoon and was so,  so grateful.  Flowers / wine / full tank of diesel etc etc etc and she said a very lovely thing : she said ‘ You do not have to keep thanking me.  I KNOW that if I ever need anything I can easily call you,  and I would.’  It was just the best thing to say.  Also,  when I got to John’s this morning his heating was not working so we worked from the dining room table and lounge.  It was a lovely and warm way to share my last session before Christmas – I felt like a student taking some extra classes from my favourite university lecturer at home.  In truth,  it was so nice it was a tad distracting and we had a coffee – a chocolate biscuit and I’d have bailed on work completely.  However we did work – John kept me focussed and poked me when it looked like he was leading everything ( subtly – but yes,  John,  I did notice ) and the work was excellent.  My story today was powerful.  I told John just before we started the story that I nearly fell asleep twice last week – he simply said that it was unlikely I was falling asleep,  but rather dropping to the next level.  Which burst my head into wow – so I’m working on ‘ dropping off’ for next time.  He said my controlling strategies are affecting my ability to drop off – ie I am so focussed on his every word ( and he is right – I have all kinds of focussing strategies that I use to aid my concentration ) that the next stage is to realise them and ‘let go.’  Lovely – really lovely.  he’s so clever.

I’m looking forward to the next couple of days – a family Christmas.

I am finding peace…………

New blog at 11.09pm – my latest blog yet.  I have just chipped my front tooth.  I have a very narrow cap on it and a chunk just chipped off.  What followed was fascinating – an immediate ‘ can I get into the dentist tomorrow / it’s Christmas and everyone will be taking photos,  how will I manage ?/  general despair at such a terrible thing…..!’        Mmmmm…. not now.   Thankyou so much John – instead I simply actually realised that the chunk is a tiny chip and can be repaired in due course.  I will intentionally not call the dentist tomorrow to arrange an appointment and instead call after Christmas.  no stress.  lovely.

Also – I collected a present from a very lovely friend at nursery today for George and with it was a letter from her to me.  She is the lady who was shocked to see I had lost so much weight ( mentioned earlier in my blog ).  The letter was incredible starting that she rarely wrote letters but in this instance wanted to write.  It extended to 4 x sheets of A4 and not a word was written without thought. John says he writes 3 Christmas cards however the text within them takes considerable time and care. This letter was the same.  She ended by telling me that in India – her native country – at New Year people buy pots and rice for their friends to signify sustenance for the year to come … and that was what she had bought for me.  A lovely kitchen oven pot and some rice.  Lovely and very very moving.  Life is so so good.  I intend to gravitate towards positive attractors only from now on ( Power v Force ).  John often says that once you start this journey it is amazing what and how your life changes – people change towards you and the change is noticeable. I never had this……….Thankyou John. and a lovely and Peaceful Christmas to you you are a very very very wonderful,  calm and lovely person to be near and share time with. You have given me so much.

Sunday 26th December – we have had a lovely few days away at my mum and dad’s home in Manchester with my sister who lives with them.  My time spent with them is now calm and has few of the issues that I had months ago before I met John.  I listen to them,  I shut up (!) and don’t babble about anything to fill space and I enjoy talking about what they want to talk about and much much more.  And I get everything I could have dreamed of back – anecdotes / life stories /  feelings and emotions and just the pleasure of sitting in silence or standing in their garden quietly.  Everything has changed so much and in a way nothing has changed – just a very important switch in perspective and points of view.  I could write a book about the last two days in critical analysis form and enjoy the process .  Also – my other sister ( who does not live with them and who I have a difficult relationship with ) and her partner ( who I have no interest in at all and infact find impossible to be near ) turned up as a surprise on Christmas Day. In truth,  everyone knew except me and my hubby.  and also in truth it was a wonderful thing for them to do.  the family has not been together for nearly four years.  However – as they were announced all of John’s ‘tools’ flew out of my tool box up into the air and splatted themselves all over the place ( metaphorically ). It could and would have been a nightmare for me had I not managed to collect all tools back together and place them neatly back into my ‘ box’ and then dip into them as necessary.  Infact – everything went exceptionally well.  My mum and dad were obviously very pleased,  and John’s tools got me through the day very very well. No stress / no difficult moments / total calmness within myself and a pleasure in what was real and important.  I could write more than a few pages on the few hours we were together.  it was absolutely fascinating. Home now and chilling .

Monday 27th December – quickie as its late and my boy is still up – lovely day at family.  One point of note amongst a day of calmness : we left late this morning and it did not bother me at all.  Firstly I was able and allowed myself to leave late by choice,  secondly I was aware that we were not going to be late, but rather later than I would have hoped………. amazing.  I called family and said we would be half an hour late and they were pleased as they had only just showered,  I then called hubby’s mum and also let her know we’d collect her half an hour later.  So – not ‘ late’ rather ‘ later than I had planned.’  No stress / no worry / no rush rush rush.  I even popped into tesco to get flowers and walked slowly on purpose.  amazing – wonderful – I’m am loving this so much.  And no stress right now that my boy is still up and it’s past 10.  and I’m writing my blog.  Peace and calmness……….

Tuesday 28th December – I meant to add yesterday that conversation / gatherings / meetings have taken on a completely different form.  I used to go to a dinner party armed with a metaphorical list of subjects written on my hand and as informed as I could be about the people there so that I could talk and there would not be any embarassing silences. How things have changed.  I used to leave dinners and 99 times out of 100 my thoughts would be that it had not been amazing / the best fun / brilliant etc . I had always gone into dinners expecting that they be funny and amusing and that I play a good part in that.  So often I came away disappointed or conscious that I had tried too hard / it hadn’t ‘rocked’ or I would drink a tad too much and regret it in the morning.  I have such a different approach now – I realise that silences are not a problem at all – well not for me anyway and if they are for others,  then that’s their problem.  I am much more passive in conversations and do not try constantly to add stuff / be amusing / think quickly of the next issue or point / race aheadetc.  It is so so much more pleasant and relaxing to listen. and a good pause often makes the other person start talking again.  And I am aware that I am not stressing.  Conversation is and can be very stressful indeed.  Now it is not.  Infact the change amd new dynamic is incredible .  And I’m sure I’m easier to be with / to talk to.  I know I was a bit full on.  I talked quickly,  filled gaps – sometimes with rubbish – and there was a lot of ‘ I did this too / I remember when I did that too… etc.’

Quick quote from Power v Force : ‘ To be or not to be ‘ is not a choice,  one may decide to be this or that ,  but to BE is , simply,  the only fact there is.’  lovely   I shall miss John this week but I have managed to book myself into the dentist Thursday morning to repair my tooth.  I LOVE going to the dentist – now that’s a whole other story and nothing to do with my actual dentist although he is very nice indeed. I’m sure John would have some fun with that .

Wednesday 29th December – nothing to wow-ish happened today except that just living in this new life mode is so much more relaxing.  The house is full of Christmas presents and general Christmas stuff and I was starting to ‘ twitch’ about getting it all neatly put away.  not that I have an immaculate house – far from it – however the ‘stuff’ was beginning to talk to me.  However today I simply put some of it into cupboards and the rest will get done in due course – very relaxing indeed.  The stuff that is still out is not bothering me.  I also had an interesting conversation with hubby that really we should both invite more people over for lunch etc. Neither of us have rushed to do this or are particularly inclined to have lists of dinner dates on the calendar – infact we are very happy indeed with our own space.  however,  we have used – without realising it – the excuse that we are working so hard / business is tough etc not only to others but quite unconsciously to ourselves.  Consequently our work life balance despite my new peace is still scued ( not correct spelling I’m sure ).  and there are certainly a few people we’d like to see.  also I have been prone in the past to opting to go out and meet people rather than invite them to us since the house is never finished / ready / good enough etc etc Poofff !!! what rubbish.  Now – come and eat lunch and enjoy – this is our home and you are welcome.  And I’ll cook you a fab lunch ( I am a good host – a huge amount of effort goes in BY CHOICE and Pleasure ).  So – more people to ours for lunch.  improved work life balance   I will miss my session tomorrow very very much – it has seemed like ages despite listening to John’s recordings every evening – including when we stayed at my mum and dad’s- and the books and the ‘tool box’ that I draw on daily.

Dentist tomorrow – yum.

Thursday 30th December – dentist was great fun.  although £60 for a total of at best 10mins work is good money if you can get it.  I am confident however I can build that 10 minutes to much more in my head………. I have the odd bizarre trait.  Anyway,  I lft early and took Power v Force and allowed myself 30mins to read as much as possible . I have one final chapter left.  It is a powerful book and almost every page is turned down / jotted on / scratched witha nail – it’s brilliant.  If I have understood  half of what he is really going on about I will be happy.  Re : my session with John last time and the distraction I felt when trying to concentrate on ‘ work ‘  I have come to the conclusion that there were two over riding issues at play.  One that it was just lovely to share John’s lounge and a coffee with him and two that actually goals seem a little bit bonkers right now.  I looked at the ones I had initially and they were ‘ I would like a massage once a month / a hobby / a little me time’ etc etc etc.  however I am concentrating and enjoying the process of right here / right now at the moment and have been for some time.  I am fascinated with ‘being’ and ‘ I am ‘ and ‘ self’ and just the totality of pausing.  So goals are a bit distant/ alien right now. I am so enjoying just stopping / nobody wanting or needing anything as John says that goals are a bit of an odd concept.  I’m loving the reading and have my next book already lined up – John said I could perhaps  ‘live with this new me ‘ for a bit rather than racing onwards at the pace I have been. And I feel that living it and ‘ Being Present ‘ are my goals right now.  Lovely..

Friday 31st December – No New Years Resolutions – I was never into them – rather Four Agreements to take with me from this year to next and onwards through my life : Be Impeccable With Your Word,  Don’t Take Anything Personally,  Don’t Make Assumptions,  Always Do Your Best. Thankyou John   Life IS Good.

Saturday 1st January – Well,  I shared a lovely evening in with hubby and son last night .  I did drink a few glasses of whisky and then another at midnight and thoroughly enjoyed them especially as I knew that it was simply nice to taste and enjoy.  Not something I needed. However I have decided to stop drinking now until I decide to have another drink.  It will be interesting to see how long it is until I decide to have a drinking again and what the process throws up.  In the past there has always been a cut off date ie.  I’ll stop drinking for a month,  but that’s of no interest to me now.  I want to alter the game and just stop and see what happens. John said recently that it takes 90seconds to break a thought down / a temptation / a desire so I’m going to apply this if I think I want a drink.  AND more importantly I am going to try very hard not to tell anyone I’m doing this.  I also downloaded all the stuff about my O/U hypnotherapy course today and will read through it in detail tonight and make a decision when to start it in the next two weeks.  I have a business milestone next week so can’t – oops,  am CHOOSING not to – make any decisions until after the outsome of that. I am so fascinated with John’s teachings / sessions / and my response to them – it has become a very big and welcome part of my life. And I think because I am paying for it,  I allow myself time to apply myself as fully as possible which means time and effort – something I would not have done for a simply hobby.  It’s great.

Sunday 2nd January – I have been aware of being tense all day and I finally managed to pin it down just as I sat down tonight to write my log. I read through my course materials and content last night and would so love to start is immediately.  I feel I have found finally what I was meant to do in life or rather what I ‘want’ to do.  And ofcourse there are several things that make me check my start date – money issues due to the business rubbish that has been going on / the fact that I will need to take time out of work / life / play etc to do the course which again is not easy when I’m trying to pay the bills and battle with the business rot – and also there are clearly a lot of very very good reasons to do it.  My tension I feel is because a lot hinges on a court hearing next week and I hate having to wait and worse depending on other people.  I am now trusting a solicitors advice and in my heart I just know the hearing will not be the end.  Like so many instances since this all started every ‘ end’ has not materialised.  Things have just got more complicated.  And I’m so bedded in it is impossible to throw my hands in the air and say sod it just for the sake of getting my sanity back.  So – my tension again as it has been so many times is related to the nagging fear that next week will also not be the end and instead again it will drag on.  And I hate the fact that sense tells me that doing the course is a tad decedant given that we need cash / work /and complete ‘ get us out of this crap’ focus for now.  So I am tense and a bit sad.  Who knows – maybe things will get sorted next week and I have been trying my best and using every tool from John’s tool box to keep my right here / right now and Present.  But my mind is wandering.  I guess I am also tired of the business battle.  Anyway – friends for lunch tomorrow and then back to work Tuesday which I am looking forward to ( both ).  I’ll be pleased to be back in my office and the distraction of my own business.

Monday 3rd January – we had a lovely day with friends today.  no stress preparing lunch and the house for guests/ no stress during the lunch and no stress afterwards or now.  I remember at one point thinking how effective it was to actually pause and listen – it gives you time to consider and think about responses.  Something I have not practised or done in the past.  I have been far to conerned with the next subject / trying to be amusing / trying to have an intelligent answer etc etc  ( and the dreaded ‘ I did that / I know someone who did that…. which I did not say at all today)  all of which has put pressure and over expectation by me on myself.  Today was so relaxing and interesting.  I really was aware so many times that just thinking and pausing had made my responses more relaxed and I feel far improved.  I patted myself on the back a few times.  And I was not busy busy busy running round after people doing what I thought they needed – rather doing what I wanted to do and also stopping.  AND letting people help out ( something else I have not found easy in the past ). Actually people often like to help out.  It was a lovely lunch.  I am starting a new book tonight

Thursday 5th Janaury – ‘ Being Present in a safe place that is found within myself. ‘ I have been thinking about this as a start to my blog tonight all day.  I mentioned previously that when re visiting my goals just before Christmas with John I struggled slightly to put them together to the point where John subtly hinted ( nothing is ever anything but gentle ) he was doing all the work.  I concluded afterwards that actually goals felt a little uninteresting at the present time and even a bit flaky since I am so fascianted in Being Present.  I am so much enjoying the time this gives to me.  I felt before John that life was rushing by and that I needed a massage or a holiday so that I could stop and relax and recharge my batteries, and to also have some me time that I felt was vital to my sanity.  However John has given me something so much bigger – he has guided me to me.  I have no need for a holiday etc now and see them as only a quick fix anyway.  Rather,  now I have found me.  I enjoy being not doing.  Subtle language connects with me instantly – John passed a recording by Richard Bandler to me and he says ‘ do things out of fascination rather than desparation.’  I just love the change in dynamic.  Slower,  peaceful,  deeper.  And this whole feeling is where I am and want to be right now.  And I am so sure that there is so much more to find within this space I’m not interested in anything any further on yet.

John took me to a deep level today with an amazing story – yes,  another one.  So gentle,  so careful and again as always dotted with the odd very personal anchors. Just enough to nudge me to where he wanted to take me.  There were smells – so many smells from my past,  that drifted up and stayed with me.  and colours and places.  and honesty and sharing of life snap shots.  and John dropped me to a level where everything just stopped – nobody wanting or needing anything,  not even me.  There was a long moment when I knew I could drift /stay there for a while / rest.  It was ( and still is now ) a very very safe place – soft dark and warm but with the strength of solid old stone.  I could paint it now and can feel the stone on my back now still.  And importantly it is within me.  A place I can find anytime to rest.

So I have no need for external stimulants anymore like alcohol.  I do not want or need a drink or even fancy one – how much more incredible is it to have a safe place,  a very Present place,  deep within me that I can go to at any time. And how good to know it’s mine and I created it ( with a large amount of John help ofcourse ) and I know it will grow.  John says ‘ watch out,  do you really know how much pleasure you can take ?!’ The psychology is striking and haunting. At the top level I was Lost and by the lowest level I was Found.

 I AM

Thankyou John

Friday 7th January -  I had a wonderful day.  Just something as simple as taking my boy to a children’s party was so different from before I met John.  I no longer feel obliged to talk to / at / with other parents especially those I do not know,  I do exactly what I want to do with peace and calmness.  I receed rather than dance about.  I help if I feel I want to and not if I don’t.  It’s amazing how much more pleasurable it is.  no pressure from myself at all and any area.  I wear what I feel like wearing not what I think I should for whatever reason.  In the past ‘ Fancy Dress Party’ meant my son arrived with matching mother (!),  now it’s not the case at all.  That’s not to say I don’t enter into the spirit of it – eg Halloween Party,  I wore black jeans and top with a large Madonna-esque gothic crystal and steel cross – previously it would have been hat / dress / long floaty coat / black nails etc etc etc…….. which in truth seemed fun at the time but the slightest hint of rejection from anyone and I was crushed – far far too much emphasis on external with the internal taking the ‘hit’ ( which is the important fragile area ) when I felt like someone looked at me strangely.  Anyway – that’s all ( well,  maybe not all – there is the odd hint here and there ) changed now.

My friend came to the party today with her boy and started with a crisis about what to wear ‘ does this make me look fat / does it look ok / is it pulling here etc etc etc’  I pleased myself when I paused and said ‘ sod what anyone else thinks – how does it make you feel ?’  She had chosen a very nice ‘me’ shirt which looked very good on her and had I seen it in a shop I’d have bought it straight away.  She looked great.  We had a good time.

Business still crap – infact at double crisis nightmare point – my solicitor now says this is the worst case he has ever dealt with with regards to the actions of the other side.  I told him that was consoling yet not consoling.  My point here being that in an extreme time in my life,  the bottom line is life is Good.

Saturday 8th January -Power v Force presents some powerful and life changing points of view and information one of which – and by no means the most important – is that despite a large part of the word’s population calibrating desparingly low,  the small percent that calibrate higher lift the overall level by a greater amount so there is much incentive to live well  and that in turn will have a positive affect more than you know on those around you – even those you do not know or will probably never know.  John said a long time ago when we first met that it would be interesting for me to see how my life changed just because of my new journey and it has . I am aware of so many acts of kindness to me – my Birthday was a lovely example and there have been many many more since.  And when I saw John on Thursday he knew I was struggling and within what was a session full of relief and complete peace,  he offered me something very kind indeed.  This has been with me today and I have been thinking all day about how good my life is.  What a calm place I have found and to look back furthermore improves my smile.  And I am not drinking at all – and I will be surprised if I ever do again.  I am starting to truly find what is improtant and inner strength and support.  This is so so lovely.  I took all my nail varnish off today…………. that was a very interesting ‘ plant ‘ in last weeks session.  Very interesting indeed.

 Sunday 9th January – my parents dedicated an area of woodland to us for Christmas which is 10 mins from where we live and it blew me away – I cried ( a lot ) ofcourse.  They have quite a lot of woodland and forest and marker and companion stones that they have both bought eachother at various times and my Dad said he had noticed my reaction so thought we would enjoy the same present.  It’s priceless. So we spent a good part of the day in the wood with binoculars,  magnifying glass and torch ( I think I enjoyed it the most ).  And lots of photos to send to Grandma and Grandad. It is especially perfect for where I am right now in my life because of John.

I am reading My Stroke of Insight at the moment and found a brilliant quote last night ‘ although many of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel,  biologically we are feeling creatures that think.’  Amazing – absolutley amazing.  Best to always apply the 90 second ‘ break it down’ John rule following any significant feeling then lest we give way and be led by the feelings and emotions of an 8 yerar old child ( the estimated age of our emotional brain that apparently does not mature ) I LOVE this

Monday 10th January – The Spiritual Warrior does not compromise Herself ( a John quote when I was down last week).  It helped so much but  also at the same time I could have bopped him on the nose.  He was and is always right ofcourse.  and wise.  So I’m on the journey now,  no hopping back every now and again because it suits me or ‘helps me out.’  This is a journey and at certain points I guess I will have to break down my old beliefs when they pop up and not rely on them as friends just because they have been there for 43years (!).  Thanks but no thanks as John says – lovely.  I use it all the time and it works so well.  So I made a good decision today and will finalise it tomorrow.  I’m smiling and the business rot can simply be that – business rot.  It’s not Important.  No alcohol still and I’m not going to mention it again as it’s no longer an issue.

Tuesday 11th January – I was struggling to think of something to write today and then wondered at myself.  Today my husband’s monster ex business partner threw yet another spanner at me.  He is clearly desparate and this was one of his worst yet however I simply answered it to my lawyer and the thing rumbles on.  So,  my ability to merely write ‘ so I repsonded to my lawyer and the thing rumbles on’ is amazing !! This is a dire situation that we have no way of getting out of since to just walk away now would mean for sure he would chase us for considerable costs – so we are stuck.  We have to follow this thing through.  I could NEVER have coped with this without John – I would be half way down a whisky bottle by now with the same being true for the last 6 months of this dispute.  Instead,  I am ‘accepting.’  I will deal with stuff as it arises and not worry about it til and if it does.  I also did a great thing today something that I can do and enjoy the fascination of without any desparation at all.  I have finally found myself in this world

Wednesday 12th January – John said a long time ago that I may see how people change towards me as I go along my journey – I think actually what he cleverly knew was the fact was not that they changed,  but rather my attitude to them changed.  Therefore making everything and everybody seem kinder / nicer / better than before.   Infact I think that this is more likely the case.  no one is suddenly rushing to me because I have become a different person,  rather I simply am indifferent or accept things that maybe previously I would have been judgemental about or chosen to actually dislike .  And the people and situations that I would have enjoyed previously I am simply able to enjoy and appreciate much more now since I allow myself the time to enjoy them and the pleasure of considering the beauty of something or the fun of it in a moment that is not lost because I am chasing the next time deadline.  I enjoy The Present and Being rather than Doing. Incredible.  AND I am reading My Stroke of Insight at the moment about an exceptional neuroanatomist who had a very rare type of condition that caused a stroke at 37.  She was able due to her complete and far advanced for her years knowledge of the brain understand and break down exactly what was going on as it slowly crept through her brain and affected various functions.  Whilst deep in the worst of it she experienced such calm and peace and positive energy and she felt that she became connected completely to everything in the universe – she says the feeling was so intense and wonderful that there were times that she wished she could stay in the state and wondered how she would ever get ‘ all this energy and life back into her battered body’ when things finally began to heal ( which they did after 8 years of hard work and belief ).  Amazing – I can’t say that I know how she feels however after about the second session with John my entire world tipped upside down and I found this whole treasure of peace and calm and positive energy hiding underneath vastly like an iceberg that I am now living with to the best of my ability and growing as quickly as possible.  So I know how soporific ( ok – wrong worng spelling – who cares ) it is.  I’m in.

I had an interesting conversation with my son at the weekend over lunch - he is 3.  He said he loved me and that he loved Daddy and I said ‘ and you love ………… ( his name ).  I was curious to see how he responded.  He looked at me and clearly was confused and did not know how to reply.  It was certainly not a simple yes.  How interesting that at 3 he has to think about loving himself – I’m correcting that one immediately.  Fascinating.  John tomorrow – even more fascinating !

Thursday 13th January – John today – wonderful.  I have had a smile on my face all day.  Great session.  Simple blog tonight as a few things to do so quote from this week ‘ Responsibility should be spelled response-ability’  Love it love it love it ( from Jill Bolte Taylor – My Stroke of Insight ). I’m so well and calm……… this is such a wonderful place to be.  I melt turning into John’s close and collapse when I sit in The Chair. It’s a good place to be,  a very good place.

Friday 14th January – I had a bit of a tough start to the day because the ‘ itty bitty sh*ty committee’ as Jill Bolte Taylor calls bad and unhelpful thoughts were trying their very best to be bad and unhelpful.  However I combined Richard Bandler’s  ‘ take the feeling / imagine it is spinning round in front of you / make it bigger and faster and really feel it ‘ technique and then wacked it very hard indeed with a large bat to kingdom come with a hefty ‘ sod off ‘ shout ( a real loud shout ) from me with my hands on my hips. Well it worked and I actually laughed at myself. I have a tough evening ahead as I need to try and convince my hubby about something and despite his total compliance with anything I say if it is clearly important to me ( unless it it so totally and absolutely against his better judgement in which case he gently nudges me round ) this is going to be a tough one.  We’ll see.  One thing for sure thank goodness – it will merely be a sensible discussion as we always have.  We do not row at all – we waited and tried too long to find and get eachother for anything to get in the way.  We’ll see – it will be a long discussion. Nice not to be worried about it though now that I found new John strength and nice to be able to put my point across in a way that I would not have been able to do pre-John. He’s amazing thankyou John.

Saturday 15th January – ok – I had to back off gently last night with regards to my chat with hubby.  He is clearly of one very firm and solid opinion and I agree with the reasons why however on this new journey I see a different way forward.  He was gently but firmly not budging so we both agreed to put our decision on hold for one week pending outcome of a few meetings next week. Since then I have used Richard Bandler’s / Jill’s wack it and tell it to sod off ‘tool’ so many times to my ‘ bad unhelpful thought monster’ that the practise and repetition has made getting rid of any thoughts the instant they pop into my head easy and fun.  Very very clever – but practise is important – and belief.  ALSO – I have ( I am so so so excited )_booked onto the hypnotherapy course starting in March and John has kindly lent me some of his own manuals and texts.  I read last night that it is important to mirror the client – body language / tone etc etc.  I tried it today on a lady I met at a childrens party.  I nearly fell asleep myself.  She was such a lovely and calm and attentive person and very nice to be near,  I was in danger of self-hypnosis and dropping off ! amazing.  Family party tomorrow. and more reading tonight – which I get over excited about like a cat chewing cat nip !! incredible.  and great for not drinking since I want to remember every word.  However – I have a bone to pick with John which will be most amusing …………………

Sunday 16th January – several things happened today – firstly hubby got up this morning and when I arrived back from a lovely Service at Church with our boy told me that one of Richard Bandler’s techniques for dealing with bad thoughts/feelings was actually working for him.  I have to say that hubby is and has been exceptionally supportive of my enthusiasm for my new John way of life / thinking and says he gets second hand therapy however he felt strongly enough to tell me a technique he had been slghtly dismissive of was actually working.  Also – at Church I did tell a good friend that I am looking at a career change / course and she was so fascinated – she is a nurse and has recently attended a course provided by the nhs to look at increasing interest from patients in alternative anaesthesia.  She said the therapists really opened up a new approach.  Then – we were at hubby’s mum’s birthday and the subject came up again ( I did not mention it on purpose ) and hubby’s niece who is a proper get yourself together and stop moaning around person as opposed to seeing any benefit to therapy by the end of the afternoon was exceptionally keen for me to try anything on her as a guinea pig.  Ofcourse she did not have any problems or issues at all except ( and then she started to think of some ) and ok – let’s have a go when you need to try anything out on someone.  Fascinating.  I can’t wait ( I know – don’t be so needy ).  ok – so I’m off to do some more reading now.  yum

Monday 17th January – I am riding a lovely wave with the same enthusiasm for the lull at the other side.  I feel so calm and happy and very excited about my course and the life I am in right now and to come.  I ordered some of my course books today and will read again John’s texts tonight.  I enjoy my days and being present as much as possible – it is almost automatic now.  everything is so different yet the same – since it is me that has changed not anyone or thing else.  just lovely and new and reborn.  I will never go back.  Everything is possible when you feel like this – it’s amazing.  Clearly I have had another good day.  I can now drop myself to an incredible level listening to John’s hypnosis recordings at night.  The voices and thoughts stop and there is silence and peace. I feel safe and strong and resilient in that place and take the feelings with me all day.  I can drop into them at an instant.  I’m  off to read some more of John’s stuff – which got seriously interesting last night . I am totally hooked.

Tuesday 18th January – I watched horizon last night on ‘what is reality ?!’ I may have watched this pre-John however I would cetainly not have watched it with the level of enthusiam I did last night.  I had to bite my tongue several times to avoid driving hubby mad who was also trying to watch it ( keeping my thoughts to myself is something I am learning to control ).  It just totally fitted with everything I am thinking and learning now. I recorded it so I can watch it again.  I have now ordered all my course text books and am sitting by the letter box with my hands out far too over enthusiastically waiting for them to arrive.  I got most second hand  – how good is Amazon ?! so saved some money.  When I studied for my Degree I was constantly handing in work at the absolute last minute and always up late the night before a deadline – I had far too much fun playing at university with just enough work being done to qualify.  Consequently I have had a very powerful recurring dream over the years of realising I had a paper to hand in and that I had not read any of the necessary books or completed the work.  I used to wake up in a right state and thought I would never study to that level again because of the feelings I have related to those times in my life.  And anytime I have considered studying since then I have simply given the idea up immediately.  how would I ever find the time to do the necessary work now given that I have a full time job and a family and a home etc etc etc to run,  when I didn’t manage it simply at University ( when the distraction was merely men and parties ?!! ).  Well – it’s amazing how life changes.  I cannot wait to start -  infact I have already.  I’m reading like crazy and loving it so much.  I know when it changed – when John did a therapy session about life stretches infront of you and behind you.  Until then I was inclined to say that at 43 I was too old to retrain now in something else – my feelings changed immedately that session.  And I am writing my blog in the middle of the day when I would normally not allow myself the pleasure ( I should be ‘working.’ ).  I’m sure John would say as always ‘ I am a tad too needy still’ however it’s just such a lovely distraction from the rot going on in one of my hubby’s business right now.  AND I have turned into a much more up front and honest person.  Not that I ever was not – what I mean to say is that when asked a question where I thought the other person may be hurt by my response I have been known to dodge the issue at hand. Well – that only delays the problem or gets you deeper in the mire .  So when asked a very direct question on Sunday at the family Birthday party I answered immediately very honestly indeed which was followed by complete family silence and then a laugh and an ‘ I just didn’t expect you to say that at all ‘ comment to which I said that I was following a new path in my life from now on and the question required a direct answer – so they got it . It felt very good indeed.

My path also changed when John said that the Spiritual Warrior does not Compromise herself. ‘ That did it for sure !!!! better do some work now. Oh yes – and it is just amazing what people tell you when you mention you are going to train as a hypnotherapist – I felt a tad silly for going to see John to help me stop drinking after I heard my friend’s story yesterday.  I almost felt I should make something up as a reason for my therapy ! I went on and on about John so maybe she may trot by his office some time. I can’t wait ( oops – too needy ) to see John on Thursday.  Oh – finally – I went to sleep listening to Belief again last night and I have now perfected the art of dropping into my favourite place and stopping the talking in my mind and just stopping generally.  My breathing slows .  I just settle down in my ‘place’ and can get there very quickly now – even in the day at a second’s notice – and STOP and BE. I can feel it now wrapped round me and scratching my top right hand side shoulder blade.  I almost feel that one day I will look at that area of my body and see a mark/ scratch the sensation is so strong.  I’m going ‘ off the scale ‘ as hubby would say at this point.  I started talking about past life regression last night and he put his hand up – I’d gone to far clearly

Wednesday 19th January – just an amusing thing that happened today.  I met hubby in MK and we both parked in the same car park.  We both went to the pay machine and then had an amusing ruck because I tend to pay for too much time ‘ just in case ‘ where as he is a ‘ just in time’ man.  I was about to put in what I thought was the correct amount to which he said I was paying too much and there would be no way we would need that amount of time and drew my attention ( key word ) to the fact that I clearly had not realised – for nearly 10 years – that you can pay for parking by the 15mins,  the listed charges were merely example costs  !!!!!! So I have been paying for 2.5hrs for 10 years just because I knew I would be longer than 1 hour wherever I was going to be and did not want to have to come back to the car to pay again .  I laughed at myself – especially given my readings and learnings over the last 6 months with John.  There is a section in Warriors Settlers Nomads that discusses what you think you see and what is actually there on the page which should have made me more aware.  however I suppose I have been looking at the same parking meters for years and therefore had no reason to check or doubt my use of them.  The more I break it down the more fasciating ( and worrying ) it is – the implications are far reaching.  And John was only saying last week about how he thought he had bought one item when infact he had bought a completely different one. Brilliant.

John tomorrow -thank goodness for Thursdays.  Out tonight with a few friends at one of their houses for a catch up.  Really looking forward to it – how long will I manage to not tell them about my course.  A challenge for sure.  And no alcohol.  John said in his blog that it is interesting to realise that some cultures do not drink at all – and breaking that idea down has really worked for me on top of all the other stuff he says and does.  Again – quite a big statement and comment on our own culture.  He’s such a wise owl

and re : Compromise / CONSPIRE – this is an itch I have been trying to scratch – I said that John was such a wise person and said that ‘the Spiritual Warrior does not compromise herself .’ Well when I wrote that I knew it did not feel correct however I was too busy to look back over my notes.  And – ofcourse – it is not right.  What he said was ‘ She does not conspire against herself,  she doesn’t put herself in situations where she will conspire against herself and she doesn’t conspire with others against herself.’  Much better.

Friday 21st – quickie – I could not write yesterday as my internet went down and I have been soooo ‘ needy’ to write this next thing : session yesterday was incredible.  Just one comment for now but more later .We discussed having Courage not just to do things in the future but also to STOP doing things .  And I don’t mean in my case the drinking – although that would have been a point several months ago.  more now the courage to stop doing day to day stuff,  and move on.  This is incredible – the more I play with it the bigger it gets.  Also – we discussed what Alone means and feels to me………. I’m STILL playing with that one.  A very very very strong session.  and a big reading evening last night – 4 of my books arrived today .  got to dash – more later…………..

ok – it’s later now.  I will resist a John is wonderful few sentences which I am tempted to go on and on about.  Instead I will prove he is – I went to my boys music class this morning and it is just so lovely to be able now to get out of the car / enter the music hall / sit down etc in full sight of other mums and dads and NOT burst immediately into conversation.  I am happy in my own space / world with my boy.  I feel no urge to make conversation and then perpetuate it at any cost which I certainly did before.  I did not do silences or even the risk of them.  I used to go to the class – and anyother place where there would be other people – armed with topics of conversation ‘ just in case.’ It is just so much more relaxing to enjoy not needing to talk or engage with other people verbally.  but rather be drawn into their space or conversation by them.  To actually and deliberately not respond too quickly,  to listen to their words and to wait just a little bit in case they have not finished what they were saying…. and invariably they have not.  I found that it is amazing how much people tell you if you ( me ) ‘ shut up !!’ ( bet you laughed there John ) and I now know that talking to me was probably a bit full on and exhausting – far too much effort on my part and barely a breath in sight.  I receed ( or try to ) now and rest and listen and wait.  It’s is so so lovely.  And rewarding when someone draws me into their space / conversation.  Although not needy – if they do not include me,  I’m happy with that too ( I sound like John on one of his recordings now – his words ring in my ears all the time ).  I’m very very happy in my own place as well.

So – John is wonderful and that is what he did for me today.  Along with sharing a motivating thought for the day : The true Warrior has no conflict with anyone or anything and is at peace with the world. She has no judgement and is working from a place of unconditional love and acceptance of life as it is.  An authentic Warrior is a delight to behold and easy to be with.’ Perfect I have it stuck to my computer screen.

Saturday 22nd January – another day when I went to a children’s party and just receeded.  And it was so lovely. Nobody wanting anything and nobody needing anything ( one of John’s most powerful statements ).  One of the important lessons that I am learning is that this new life needs to be lived…… John told – correction,  he does not tell you anything – John discussed this with me when he realised I was totally wrapped up with and in love with it very early on.  And living with this new life is so so important because it is so very easy to revert to type either by accident or even because I simply think that the old way may have been the best way ‘ just this once.’ Which it is not.  And also to practice my new thoughts and feelings and strategies.  So yesterday at music and today at the party were good moments to practice and live with this new me.  I find myself constantly smiling and calm.  I am in a very very good place.  I will finish another of my books tonight and maybe start a new one - Eriksonian methods.  Lovely,  so lovely.  And another good day tomorrow……….

Sunday 23rd January -  I had a bit of a funny day today.  hubby was playing golf from early and not due home til about 2.30/3pm and I had nothing planned am or pm. Mainly because I wanted a rest and the opportunity to do a few bits round the house.  amazing though that it took me a few goes at breaking my emotions down to realise that I was feeling a bit guilty not having anything planned to do with my boy – he actually said at one point when are we going to someone’s house mummy ? I was feeling bad despite the fact that I had carefully put specific toys out for him that I knew he would like and be able to play with effectively ( I used to be a teacher so old habits die hard ) whilst I simply had a bath ( wow – a pleasure for sure ) and then made a few phone calls ( goal from the last few weeks ) and also did a few housey things.  No need at all to feel bad or guilty ( and yes the TV did go on ) and it was interesting to break down my emotions John fashion. At one point I found myself rushing to get something done only to realise what I was doing and SLOWED down…… nobody wanting anything ( again…… such a perfect John phrase ).

I also had a fight with my itty bitty *hitty committee today several times who were doing their best to creep into what was a nice day.  In the end I had the thought – first time yet – that when I do work with people who also have problems with their various ‘committees’ I need to be able to a) know how it feels and b) be able to say that I have ways myself to conquer them.  This thought alone gave me an extra strength and they subsided.  however – again as I said last night – this takes practice.  The first time I used the thought the voice crept away then back again,  however 4 times down the line they were running at a fair pace from me when they realised I had ‘ clocked’ them.  Practice practice practice – and reinforcement ofcourse.  Again – all John tools. The detached / observer point of view is vital. And I took myself to my new safe place that John has given me and locked the thoughts behind a very small and solid door.

Also – with regards to mirroring : my boy had got quite excited today and I deliberately calmed him down my pacing and changing my tone and slowing down my words and breathing.  And it worked – long may it.  In all – a fascinating day and quite enjoyably self obsessed. And my hubby gave some good advice to his friend today who has been really struggling which resulted in the friend taking a job opportunity he had previously pushed away.  Hubby did well and I’m pleased for both of them.

Monday 24th January – not a good nights sleep at all.  The first time in ages that I have not been able to get to sleep,  have not felt tired and also was aware that the voices inside my mind were taking full advantage of the silence in the house. I started off well enough with John’s Belief recording and drifted beautifully through it only to switch it off and then it all started.  I tried everything – even allowing myself to think about what was bothering me for a while – however  my heart was beating and nothing was working.  I finally broke it down and tried – rather than trying not to think about what was bothering me – to think of something completely different.  This was a new tack and quite inspired – and interesting.  Rather than bolting locks on passages where thoughts were drifting up from or saying to them ‘ thanks but no thanks ‘ or ‘sod off’ I tried to think about next Friday when I will have a very tough day I’m sure ( business date in court ) followed by an evening out with friends that has been booked since before Christmas.  so – what to wear etc etc was a small diversion however at 3 in the morning it finaly did the trick.  I am in a  real pickle – I am in a good place when it comes to real issues however I have this one elephant in the room that has and is clouding my life.  I very very much want to deal with it in a specific way but I am being forced ( not in a bad way but emotionally and also because they are not coming from my ‘ good place / new point of view’ ) to trust others and also support others.  I don’t want to be here at all.  I want to be free and moving on.  I’m locked into something / a battle ( a really nasty nasty high stakes one ) that the people dearest to me - and my solicitor – are resigned to and want to continue and that is more likely than not going to drag on for at least another 6 months.  I really want it to be over almost at any price and to start on ‘ Monday’ with the rest of my life.  Better to know exactly what you are dealing with and deal with it, than the present situation which seems to have no end in sight,  is costing fortunes financially and emotionally and is impossible to deal with because I never know what will happen next.  Thank goodness for John and also my course – I am now immersing myself in my books every evening. Hubby is doing his absolute best and I know he is feeling the pressure. Anyway – enough of that.  This too shall pass………  Out to help a friend build his website this afternoon which is was very flattered to be asked to do and we will have fun.  Hair appointment tonight – so a lovely evening to look forward to as well.  I would so very much not like to be in the positoon that I find myself in now – in a position where circumstances are challenge my ability to not conspire against myself.  I suppose this rot is just another experience – I am trying to be fascinated by it but it’s not easy.

Tuesday 25th January – along with ‘not thinking about things or rather trying to hard to relax – then diverting my attention from the trying hard and concentrating on relaxing to something completely different ( what to wear on Friday – above )’ I also discovered something else last night.  I went out to have my hair done – thank goodness,  only three weeks overdue following cancelled appointment due to the snow.  And had a good evening with my hairdresser chatting and catching up on all HER news – another welcome distraction.  Amusingly I did manage to not tell her about my course until right at the end as I was about to leave ( neediness got the better of me ) and her teenage daughter said ‘ hey that’s really cool – will you be looking into crystal balls and cards and stuff ?!!’  Funny what people think.  Anyway – I came home and got into bed and put on my mp3 player to listen to Sleep and suddenly allowed myself just to ‘hear’ John’s words.  I usually listen and concentrate intensely which is clearly quite an active process ( no wonder I can’t sleep ) – I thought it would be interesting to simply ‘hear’ his words. How RELAXING was that ??????? amazing.  and an eye opener ( or not ) for sure.  So much calmer / relaxing / switched off / NOBODY WANTING ANYTHING.  Same again tonight.  How interesting ……….

and – my medical and dental hypnosis book shipped today – aarrhhh !!!!!!! can’t wait to get my teeth into that one.

I just received an email from a very good friend entitled ‘ girlfriends are good for your health.’  It was a clip from the Head of Psychiatry at Stanford which summised that girlfriend time is very good for your health since girl and girl relationships are more emotion based whilst boys base their interests round sport / job etc.  It also said that time spent alone without other human company was as bad for you as smoking – probably an exaggeration given all the stuff I have been reading about smoking recently in my text books however the point was made. I thoughthe ‘ links to other humans’ point was worth consideration given my propensity to enjoy being alone.  Fasciating. I have to add – judgement / needy – that the email went to a few other people so was not directed at me ( or was she just being clever ??? – I love this ).

I must do some work now – I am totally distracted today with my new me and would really prefer to be finishing my book and starting a new one.  Later.

Wednesday 26th January – today was a day that tested my John toolbox from when I knew it may happen ( yesterday at around 11am ) to this morning at 10.20am.  I had a business arrangement that needed to be dealt with that could go any way at all.  In previous pre-John life I would have really struggled with the run up to it and the ‘during’ however the process became one of fascination as to how I was coping with it.  I became an observer of myself and my mind and my emotions and it diffused the situation very well indeed.  I now have a wealth of coping strategies and a fascination – I love that word – when I use them / require them.  Which one will I use / how will it make me feel and why etc etc the breaking down process is excellent / effective and addictive.  What could have been a day of stress and pain became a coping day that was very interesting indeed.  I love the word ‘ interesting’ – it is so detacted.  And ‘hearing not listening’ is also incredible ( ref yesterday’s blog ).  Just to allow myself to hear without any of the activity of listening is pure calmness.  I am amazed at the lengths my own controlling strategies ( those I impose on myself and have become completely unaware of as they have been there for so long ) affect me.  The thought of not ‘ listening’ to something just did not exist in my mind however the conscious decision to simply hear is lovely.  There is a real ‘ stop factor’ in it which sits nicely with my being not doing place that I am in and have been in for some time.  I am a little fixated though now on the Alone issue and I am still paying with it.  I know for sure that this is a biggy for me and it is amusing that a very good friend emailed what she did yesterday ( ref blog ) in a loop with other people – it connected with me straight away.  Like one of those ‘ fate’ situations.  I’m also playing with the Courage to Stop doing stuff concept – as opposed to simply having courage to start new stuff .  Brilliant and a lovely daily distraction.

as an aside – hubby was talking in my office yesterday and was saying that he has a potential big deal on the table however the client is not returning calls / coming to the phone etc so he started to say maybe she is bailing out / avoiding him / doesn’t want to do the deal because of xyz and I said with a big smile on my face ( which usually means I am about to pass on one of John’s pearls of wisdom to him – we have such fun with this ) and said ‘ it’s not perhaps good to make assumptions and then decisions based on your own assumptions – why don’t you just call her non stop or email her and find out.  In the meantime,  accept you just do not know what she wants to do ??’  He rolled his eyes and gave me the ‘ I’m 56 and have been in selling for longer than you’ look and left my office .  however I just heard him get through to the lady who spent 10mins apologising for not returning calls and in the course of the conversation it became clear that she had not perhaps completely grasped the concept / product they were selling however she is still keen and can they meet again tomorrow ?!

John is always right although best not to mention that just now to hubby.  A simple ear wag on his conversation was enough for me.

John tomorrow – fabulous.

Thursday ( always a good day ) 27th January – I had my session with John today.  What started out as always as a very pleasant experience full of John stuff and relaxation even as I drove into his road developed into ( clearly ) where he wanted it to go.  Subtle and crafty ( in a nice way ) and when I realised where it was going it was just too late.  He’s brilliant. Even I was speechless – which is rare and a treat.  He really wove something into the session so carefully and gently and then placed it…………….. amazing.  Always interesting when someone starts something ‘Once upon A Time…………………………’

Friday 28th January – how lovely is the thought of hot oil pouring over your head and down your neck,  over your shoulders and over your arms and body ….. again and then again and then again…… slowly.  and a flower opening up towards the warmth of the sun………. life is good.

Sunday 30th January – I woke up with my head full of my new way of thinking and looking at things.  I wrote a full side of A4 notes throughout the morning and the connections I was making were really exciting to me.  John said that I would benefit from living what I was learning for a bit and reflecting on it ,  practice it and see what happens – and today was very much a day of revelation / linking the dots etc.  I will save the A4 comments for now as it’s late and I want to enjoy writing them with care and clarity.  However one thought that I found myself bouncing around related to ‘ Blame.’  I am not a blaming person at all however it sits with me and I understand the feeling / concept / emotion.  I thought that blame was a very living in the past negotive thing – despite anything that could happen from everyday ‘ my parents didn’t do this so I am this….. ‘ to much more extreme ‘ this awful thing happened and I will never get over it’ the fact remains the same that it all happened yesterday and constantly thinking about it reinforces it / changes it / distorts it / keeps it alive as much today as it was when it happened.  The responsibility is with the person to as John says ‘ let it go.’  Or else it will continue to haunt and affect lives – however bad it was or not, re-living it is not the answer.  Better to let it go,  move on – accept something happened that was important to you but you as a person want to grow and growth is not about living in the past.  Growth is about letting go and moving on and drawing strength from the way you deal with stuff internally – no need for external factors ( alcohol/ drugs/ tablets etc ) simply a belief that you want to move on and that you can.  Blame is a dangerous thing – best to as John says break it down and let go and move on.

There were a lot of other things that I worked with today in my mind.  As I said I am not a blaming person so it didn’t effect me as much as some of the other issues which I want to share probably Tuesday when I have a spare 30mins.  I had just the most interesting morning working with my new life – just fascinating and so calming.

also re blame :  the thing that happened is in the past and from somone else / the future is within the individual.  How dare an extrenal factor haunt and ruin a person – let it go and move on with yourself for company and strength – John would say it all in one sentence. But I feel I’m ‘ getting it’ in my own way and the analysis is a provocative process.

Monday 31st January – no blog yesterday as internet was down which I always notice disappoints me – I get a lot of peace from writing my blog and think about it frequently in the day.  It is a good distraction. Anyway – thoughts from yesterday centered around an honest conversation I had with a very very good friend who knows all about my sessions with John and any issues in my life.  She is wonderful – good solid friend.  I had said in conversation that I was feeling so much more relaxed now and one reason of many was that I am practicing listening rather than talking etc.  She said that she was pleased that I had told her that since last time we got together we were in a group and she noticed my silence and presumed I had had a bad day or had stuff on my mind or simply did not want to talk.  Raised an interesting point that if you are going to go on a journey that changes things that others may be famillair with especially verbally,  best to perhaps share also the chnages you are appreciating,  lest they notice the change and wonder what it means. an interesting point from a good friend and a different point of view on my journey – just be aware of the extrenal differences especially with regards to friends who care.  Lest they make ‘ assumptions.’  Also we had decided to take our children to our ‘ wood’ that my parents dedicted for us for Christmas ( I am still stunned it is such a wonderful thought and gift – although not surprising since they are earthy people ). anyway – we had decided to go fora walk in the woods in freezing conditions since we both fancied it.  We got dressed up in warm clothes and with children in tow and picnic – for eating OUTSIDE – and bug kit and binoculars and magnifying glasses off we trotted.  We had a brilliant time and after the picnic cleared away and started walking back to the car.  We passed on the way some litter ( which I HATE ) and both children commented on it, but my point is that a couple and their children and dog were walking towards us and saw us clearing our picnic away.  When we passed them the litter on the ground was a crisp packet – I cannot believe how I felt.  I immediately worried that the lady would think we had left the litter – I almost picked it up ! then realised that picking it up may look like guilt ‘after the fact’ because I had seen the other family walking towards us.  My mind went into panic and slow motion and ‘break it down John style’ setting.  It was absolutely fascinating.  In the end,  the litter stayed – she actually had a bin sac and was collecting all litter she saw which was admirable,  my boy stroked their dog and all was happy.  amazing.  Also I was talking to a friend today whose daughter has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and it’s all very stressfull indeed.  She was asking about my work with John and I gave her the ‘ Alone’ work we had been doing as a good example.  She immediately shared that in the very first chapter of one of the books she is reading on Aspergers it states that ‘ I can cure your child immediately and forever …… by showing them their room and letting them stay in it and closing the door.’  I went all goose pimply – the point being obvious and not requiring explanation.  We need connections and coping strategies within them.  A good few days and some very interesting thoughts.

Tuesday 1st February – I have had an exceptionally busy day in the office so no time to enjoy the pleasure of writing the A4 blog of my collected thoughts and considerations from the weekend – I shall make time.  So just one thought that came from the weekend when I was out with friends : re Judgemental – the more judgemental you are consciously or unconsciously ( what IS she wearing / DID she look in the mirror this morning / Those shoes with That ?! etc ) then there must be a reverse ie : you most probably presume others make the same judgements and therefore fear their assessments ( consciously or unconsciously ).  So how relaxing and much better generally is it NOT to be judgemental – they can wear what they like and it is be fine.  THEN the fear of what others may say / think simply disappears………… so simple / so much better.  I’m sure John played with this idea early in our sessions when I was looking at and identifying my characters in my  mind and found a very proud peacock ! which was so proud to show off it’s lovely plumage but crushed by the slightest sideways glance .  one of many probing and thinking conversations.

Wednesday 2nd February – a busy day in the office and I am out tonight with a group of friends so a quickie which is just to say that my Ericksonian approaches book is so interesting.  I read a chapter the night before last that focussed on language and broke certain parts down – it was a slow heavy read and I kept having to remind myself I was reading the book asap before my course,  not yet as a textbook and therefore did not have to remember every little thing that I read.  So I sped up and got to the end of the chapter and read the next one as well.  What is brilliant – is that today I was talking with hubby and I became completely engrossed on what and how he was saying stuff.  To the point that I was clarifying most things he said and he was coming back with more detailed answers which helped me to understand where he was going with his proposal.  I was getting away with it until I actually smiled at myself and had to turn away – he wanted to know why and I then started a whole explanation ( yes it went on and on and on and I barely drew breath ) about the chapter I had read ( I was suprised how much I had actually remembered and understood ) until he plonked his head on his desk and started banging it !! and then pushed me out of his office and closed the door. very funny indeed.

My point being – I was pleased with how much I had actually remembered and taken in from the book.   John tomorrow – thank goodness.

Thursday 4th February – brilliant day against a background of being quite tired.  I took root in John’s office today and it was lovely just to stop and rest.  Our session was brilliant as always however we chatted first and discovered that we both have an interest in Gunter von Hagens who invented the process of plastination ( look him up – or try also Body Worlds – on the net ).  John at one point laughed, rolled his eyes and looked sideways in despair and called me a ‘wierdo!’ which was exceptionally amusing.  We talked about not so much ‘ being not doing’ but moving on also to ‘being AND doing’ and how alone is fine in it’s place and having been given the ‘break it down’ John treatment.  Then ofcourse I ‘ slept on a terrace in the sun whilst John talked about all things wise.’  I wondered afterwards if sometimes he makes his stories and ideas sooo complicated so that I have to concentrate and therefore cannot think about anything else that may be going on since I am intent on working out where he is going or what his point is……………… interesting thought.  and not necessarily incorrect.  Anyhow,  it works – I was open to distraction today as a lot is going on,  and infact I fell totally into John’s tone and story,  especially as it got more complicated.

It was a good good session – and a crystal clear day.  All good.

Friday 5th February – how lovely would this be to relax to : ‘as you pay attention to your breathing,  the green turtle,  relaxing even more now,  how now cow,  and your eyelids continue blinking,  a bus can pass, closing now,  and you can get on with your own life.’ ( Erickson ) I’m gone………

couldn’t resist sharing the above quote.  It’s later now ( 7.30pm ) and I have just put my boy to bed and had a very amusing exchange.  He is very close to being completely dry through the night and is perhaps unaware of the odd little accident as he still wears in between jama bottoms.  I read a few weeks ago in one of my books many many different hynotherapy scripts for various purposes and one was for children to help them with bed wetting.  It centered around ‘teddy’ whispering to them in the night to help them get out of bed and do the necessary.  Ofcourse,  one of the main points of hypnosis is to by pass the critical analytical left brain and access the more open and accomodating right brain however I went straight on in tonight with a little quiet chat that teddy could help him in the night and remind him if he needed a wee to which my boy looked at me most indignatnly and said ( you guessed it ) ‘ but Mummy, Teddy doesn’t talk.’ Queue left brain. Obviously I did no relaxation / softening / calming stuff and my boys left brain was still very much in operation.  Classic example of running before you can walk – it made me smile.  Lovely day.  Reading tonight.

Saturday 5th February – lovely day today – family stuff and a few jobs that have needed doing for ages.  I have become aware that I am now listening to how people construct sentences and some jump out at me and I get lost in myself breaking them down.  Like – not the best example but best I can think of right now – hubby said ‘ we could go that way but it wouldn’t be worth it ‘ so we went the way he intended first.  I found myself wondering why it wouldn’t be worth it and asked him and the reason centered round the fact that last time he went the other way he got stuck behind a woman driver and delayed at a small bridge.  So the point is that he will probably never go the second shorter way because once ‘ he had a terrible and annoying journey behind a slow woman driver who dithered at a narrow bridge’ – fascinating.  And also I found myself breaking down the word ’try’ which I use a lot with my boy ‘ just try and see if you can do it ‘ etc etc.  My book last night highlighted that try indicates an option or good possibility of failure.  also be aware of the word ‘ don’t’ since it comes from the verb ‘ do’ and may have the obvious adverse affect ie.  don’t annoy the cat……….. don’t throw the ball inside’ etc. I am increasingly getting nicely lost in my own word listening to words and phrases and sentences and breaking them down in my own way – the answers I come up with may not be world beaters but the process is lovely.  And has a very ’ slow down the day’ effect.  John’s brilliant with words – andI can see why he enjoys them so much and sometimes spends time finding exactly the correct one or phrase.  Lovely.  More reading tonight.  Friends for tea tomorrow – well done me.

Sunday 7th – getting ready for friends to come for lunch / dinner is so much more pleasurable now.  in fact – I have very little stress at all and any that shows itself I can deal with deliberately and effectively.  It’s so much nicer.  Stuff always amuses me now – eg . I found myself texting the wife to say’  casual clothes ‘ and the thoughts that went through my head were funny – the fact that I needed to tell her to wear casual clothes / she was allowed to wear casual clothes / that I needed to communicate ( control ) the dress code and the fact that I just could not resist texting her at all !!! I tried to resist but it was just not happening.  Then…. what to text and how ?? I settled on ‘come casual,  it’s Sunday xx I amused myself greatly.  And I managed to juggle making a shepherds pie for my son to go in the freezer as well as cooking for tonight however could not leave the . off Feb. 2011 eventhough no one will see the date label in the freezer bar me – again amusing.

more importantly – well done John for 6 months without a drink – enjoy your first one tomorrow.  bet its whisky and a very large round ice cube in an expensive glass.  whatever – enjoy. I’ll miss your blog .

oh – one more thing from my book – when doing hypnosis and using stairs and lifts be aware that some people have phobias of them – I would never have thought of that one ! John used trampolines on me – I guess no one has a fear of them !!!

Monday 8th February – lovely lovely evening with friends last night. no alcohol for me except I did feel very tempted right at the end of the evening when they had left.  I had bought a bottle of whisky incase they had wanted a glass and knew it sat unopened in my cupboard and would have very much enjoyed a glass once we had cleared away after they had left.  But I talked myself out of it and am pleased I did.  I wasn’t too difficult and I guess this will never change.  It’s only whisky I have problems with – I do not miss or want wine or champagne again. I am indifferent to them.  And I don’t drink anything else bar exceptional brandy very rarely – can’t remember the last time.  So – a lovely and good evening with close friends who are also going through a tough time right now.

I am constantly aware that I breathe so much more slowly now – I listen to my breathing when I am talking to people and am aware of theirs.  I must – and John has kindly(!!!) shared his first experience of me with me – have been exhausting.  Since when I talk with people who talk quickly and in a rush I want to breath for them.  I feel as though I use my entire lungs now,  not a quarter of them.  It’s a bit like when I learned to play the saxophone as a teenager – breathing was all part of it and it is quite amazing how much more breath you have than you realise. It helped my asthma as well which has to be relevant. Also fascinating and relaxing today was my thought process on the fact that my son’s swimming lessons are coming to an end – in truth he has reached the end of the class and I’m going to teach him myself from now ( and save some money ).  But I found myself thinking about how to leave / what to say to the other parents etc I’m not good at all at goodbye’s,  even random ones.  I felt sad that the bloke we always used to find at tesco to wash our car was no longer there !! I know,  bizarre.  Then I thought actually, I’ll just say we’ll see them around rather than the madness that was filling my head of taking numbers and hoping to meet up ( which I most likely would not do – nothing wrong with them at all,  simply I am busy with existing and good friends ).  So – I’ll see them around.  Easy.  Off to a Trade Fair tomorrow which will be a nice change. Reading tonight – I missed it last night.  I’m still reading Erickson – brilliant.  I did go to sleep with John’s Sleep though which is lovely.

This blog is continued here…..

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