Claire’s Blog 3 – Finding the Authentic Me

This is blog number 3 of my journey and ……….

You can read my initial blog about learning how to handle stress and alcohol here

You can read my second blog about “Being not Doing” here

My New Goals Are:

• to look at situations and life with fascination not desperation

• to enjoy  ‘ being not doing ‘ and furthermore ‘  being AND doing. ‘

• to have the courage to do things as well as to stop doing things.

Wednesday May 18th 2011 – I saw John today as I had to change my usual appointment.  Clearly I checked John’s availability BEFORE I said yes to the plumber who wanted to fix something tomorrow.  John told a powerful story today and he told it in such a clever way,  and at a perfect pace as always.  He gave me time to think and the words he used painted perfect pictures in my mind.  He knows how I think now – I ‘see.’  I have to say when he finally managed to shut me up – I still come in over excited and anticipatory – I dropped like a stone to my calm and safe place.  I know when the end of the story is coming now and it’s good to just sit quietly and relax and listen to the music for a while.  I could sit there for ages in silence and be completely happy and content – I have come a long way.  As John says ‘ nobody wanting anything,  nobody needing anything.’   I look forward to the sessions so much and Iknow that one of the most important elements is just being able to close the door and stop for a while.  It always feels like more than the actual hours we spend.  And John has always thought of a good story which I take away with me for the week.  I write up the session in a notebook and add bits during the days following the session - some stories I listen to consciously as he tells them and make mental notes of in my mind that I can refer to later in my notes.  And sometimes I listen less actively and leave with ‘main points.’  Which is always interesting as invariably something will come back to me in the week that I had ‘ forgotten.’  Then at night before I go to bed I always listen to a recording and as I know them all so well now moreoften than not I simply press play and am aware of his voice and tone and rhythum which is relaxing as there is no ‘ active listening’ going on and no brain processing of information.  So I sleep well.  I’m in a very good place and I’m looking forward to seeing where it all goes next. No hurry – just whatever whenever………

Thursday 19th May – I have had a perfect day.  I was very productive in the office and my mind has been calm.  I have not had caffeine for two days which has not been a problem at all- infact the choice to give it up has been an easy one.  I felt it was congesting my system.  So today I feel as though I’m clean and fresh – similar to when I first stopped drinking for a while in the early days of John.  I’m not drinking either at the moment and I have no date in mind when I will or may have a drink.  I know now that drinking especially the odd’session’ was holding and keeping me back.  It is also interesting to listen to what people say- eg hubby said when I announced that I had given up drinking indefinitely that ‘ you can’t do that ?! ‘ It was a knee jerk reaction from him – not a judgement.  Just a – with respect – lack of understanding.  Like – hey – how can you ever enjoy yourself again / relax/ take the load off etc if you don’t drink.  This just reinforced my belief that drinking was holding me back.  It’s been great to break this down and understand it and to be able to move forward on my own / motivated by an understanding I have discovered for myself.  John did look at me kindly with an ‘ I knew you would get to this in the end’ look – infact I think he actually vocalised it.  I’m looking forward to anything else that comes my way – I am hooked on this stuff.  Anyway – BIG concert tomorrow night – Roger Waters The Wall (nchjdfdgrtugvuntu!**! that is excitement ) and part of my intention to not drink and give up caffeine was that I would go to the concert ‘ clean’ .  I have to admitt that every time I have seen any concert expecially Floyd I have had a few thinks floating round my system (!).  So it will be a pure experience tomorrow night.  THEN – yes THEN – my course starts this weekend.  Sat and Sunday.  Life is good . Life is excellent.

Saturday 21st May – I have had two incredible days.  The concert on Friday was out of this world,  the best thing I have ever seen.   I spent parts of it with my eyes closed zoning into the misic.  It blew me away.  THEN today has been brilliant.  my course.  I’m going to keep this short as I have homework to do – can’t wait to get my head into it – it’s everything I had hoped for.  6 people and three tutors although most will be done by one guy who I like.  So an excellent two days and another one tomorrow – tomorrow we are hypnotising eachother.  This is home………….

Sunday 22nd May – I had another brilliant day today on my course.  The other people are great fun and intelligent and 6 is a good number.  The tutor is also very good and the course content is put nicely together.  I got there early this morning – an hour – so that I could Stop and enjoy sitting in the lounge of the hotel and reading some of the course literature and a book John has leant me which is compulsive.  I do not know how I ever did any work over last 9 months whilst seeing John – the books he was lending me and the therapy and the books I was starting to buy for myself had a really good try at filling my days.  I won the battle most days and did my work with good discipline however my ‘journey ‘ was always in my thoughts – I was / am in a ‘living it’ stage and everything is fascinating ( even - and more importantly – the crappy business issues ). So how I will ever do any work now I do not know – we have course work to complete and I can’t wait to start it. I’m going to have to work out a firm schedule for my time and stick it on my office wall or else temptation will get the better of me.

Anyway – more importantly – I hypnotised someone twice today !!!!! I was actually quite nervous especially as the script I had been given over night which I had carefully underlined and marked for pauses and tone etc did not turn out to be the one I got to use today.  The tutor changed the format around which meant some of us had a new script to use.  My fellow student – victim – however is amazing .  She dropped like a stone almost immediately and at one point I felt guilty bringing her back to reality.  She was clearly lost in a deep and good calm place and just looking at her made me feel calm.  It was the best first experience anyone could have hoped for.  Then I hypnotised her again later in the day with the same effect – infact whilst back in class later the tutor was talking and had clearly listened to what I had said about my friend and had seen how she had responded yesterday to some of the activities we did – and he managed to get her to go into hypnosis whilst he talked to everyone.  She just dropped her head at one point and lost herself.  We all watched as the tutor gently guided her through a short session then back into the room.  It was exactly what he had hoped would happen and she obliged – it was incredible to watch.  If I hadn’t been on the course for the last two days I would have said she/he was faking it – but she goes into deep deep trance almost immediately.  I am now not swopping with anyone !  and she has an incredible Italian accent which is an excellent distraction for me when she hypnotises me.  I found myself absorbed in her voice.  It has been an excellent day.  This is just where I want to be.

Monday 23rd May – I have had such a lovely day.  I have been thinking about my course all day and the work I’m going to be doing and I am going to spend tomorrow morning creating a fixed schedule of ‘work’ hours and ‘ course’ hours and I will stick it on my office wall.  I have already realised that I can add another two hours to my boys nursery days without any cost being incurred and he will love it.  So I’ve done that already.  And to be honest whilst I try to be strict with myself when working from home I have to admit that I do the odd job that is not work eg. washing or calling a friend.  So if I cut all of those things out I’ll be fine.  I think it will be best to dedicate days to each thing or else I will start doing course work and never stop ! I have not had any dramatic realisations today to speak of however I did notice my boy saying to me that he was ‘ relaxing’ when I noticed him chilled out on the sofa.  I hope he carries this with him – it’s my word.  Also a very good friend came by for coffee today and was desparate to hear all about my course however it ended up with a bit of a personal conversation on her part and almost tears – she scooped herself up and ran making an excuse before she let herself cry and I did not want to intrude if she wanted to ‘release’ at home.  I’ll call her tomorrow – she’s such a lovely lady and when she started to talk it all started to pour out.  I will call her and see where that takes us.  It was interesting to watch myself NOT push her further and to let her ‘ run’ – old me would have wanted to ‘save and rescue ‘ her immediately which in effect I do not think is what she wanted today.  She had said more than she wanted to and ran – and I’m pleased I let her.  I’m off to read now.

Tuesday 24th May – Every now and again the business rot creeps up on me and tries to ruin my day and I interest myself in the way I deal with it.  So today it crept up on me and perhaps one of its most effective ploys it to focus on money – or rather my lack of it and the constant battle I have to pay legal bills.  I would be lying if I did not think about the money situation several times a day and that has the potential to cause stress.  But I am pleased how I deal with myself – it is usually quite deliberate and I give myself a good talking to and today the rot subsided after about an hour. I would not be in the state of mind now and neither would my hubby if I had not met John.  I dread to think where we would both be - we would have been drinking far to much and the effects of that alone would have been obvious, plus the mental strain : John has given me tools and strategies that have given me strength and perhaps more importantly the ability to trust myself and to have no fear.  Having no fear – at least most of the time since sometimes it sneaks up on me and gives me a nasty pinch – and appreciating how debilitating ( that is not how you spell it I’m sure – who cares ) fear is has been a strong learning curve for me.  At the concert on Friday the kids on stage during Another Brick in the Wall wore huge t-shirts with Fear Builds Walls written on them.  How true. Anyway – I got myself together and had a productive day with a bit of good news thrown in.

I’ll miss my session with John this week and when this happens I always do something appropriate when I should have been seeing him.  Before I have taken time off to go to the cinema with hubby, and another time I made a wind chime.  So for this Thursday I have taken my neighbour ( who ran off yesterday afternoon ) up on her offer to be hypnotised.  When I called her today to check she was ok and asked her if she was up for it she said ‘ what are you going to do to me.’  Fascinating what conceptions people have of hypnotism.  ‘ Do’ was an interesting choice of language and showed what her understanding of hypnosis is.  Her hubby asked if I knew what to do if I couldn’t get anyone ‘out of trance.’  I told another friend recently that I was studying to be a hypnotherapist and she said ‘ I’m not sure about that – I wouldn’t like someone messing my head up.’  What people think about hypnosis is a chapter in itself.  So – if she doesn’t change her mind – my neighbour is coming over Thursday.  I can’t wait.  I’m planning already.  It’s such a distraction from my work.  Tomorrow I’m doing half a day on work and the rest on my course and then Thursday is all course.  Perfect – well almost.  Perfect would be 24/7 course.  I’m off to read now – hubby in London til late.  Life – as always – is good.

Oh – finally – I caught myself thinking today that if only we did not have money issues then everything would be fine….mmmm, interesting one,  since I’m sure there is always something there trying to stress you out.  Best to just accept and trust and have no fear then nothing has a chance to catch you out.  I love this.  Off to read now.

Wedmesday 25th May – I have managed to have half a day on my course material and it has been great – infact it made me more productive this morning just to get ‘ work’ off my desk.  And – how exciting – my neighbour has not chickened out of coming for a hypnosis session tomorrow.  I have planned the entire time really carefully – if I could just work out how to turn off the phones I’d be ready.  I’ll work it out tomorrow or else I will have to work it into my session.  I patted myself on the back when I remembered to ask if she wore contact lenses – which she does.  So I’m looking forward to tomorrow greatly.  The girl I hypnotised at the weekend was so so easy and I was so lucky to have her as my first ‘ victim’ since she just closed her eyes and dropped like a stone to a good place.  I shall miss my session with John very much tomorrow but this is a good way of spending the time.  Off to read now. And hubby had a good day today so he is smiling.

Friday 27th May – I had such an exciting day yesterday and would have written last night except it was late when I got to my computer and when I did the internet had bounced out and I just did not have the energy to wait until it rebooted. So here we are now.  I hypnotised my friend yesterday when I would normally have been seeing John.  I was SOOO thorough – I enjoyed applying my ‘thoroughness’ to something that I really really enjoy. It was like planning a sculpture or art project – I enjoyed and was excited by anything and everything related to the process.  So by the time my friend arrived I was totally ready and confident.  She relaxed really quickly and during the few times I dared glance up from my text – I was apprehensive of losing my place so generally concentrated more on the delivery of the text than her – I could see she was relaxed and calm and I just hoped she was not ‘faking it.’  When we had finished she said she had really enjoyed it and that she had not felt herself ‘ filling in shopping lists for tescos’ at any time.  I then spent most of the afternoon writing up the entire case study – I had recorded it.  I suspect I will have to get my coursework in early given the volumes I may produce especially going by yesterdays ‘novel.’  It was great.  I felt great.  It was a great way to spend the time that I would normally share with John.  Today was a good day too with a little good news thrown in as well.  And John next week – I can’t wait to just close his door and sit down and stop.  I missed that this week. A good couple of days.  Next week has a few challenges however what will be will be.  Now – sausage,  salad and garlic bread calls and a good book.  Life is good.

Saturday 28th May – I spent a lovely afternoon with a close friend and her girl today.  We had not seen eachother for maybe three weeks and not spoken either which was unusual for both of us however how lovely that I did not feel any guilt / pressure / anything at all because of this.  Historically I put myself under a lot of pressure that I ‘should’ keep in better contact with people. Now – I call when I want to and that’s it.  And its so relaxing.  We are both living very busy lives and when I sent her a text last night to see where she was today we were both happy that we could meet up with no pressure on time.  We talked and talked which was a rare pleasure since the children usually have more than their fair share of interruptions and jabbering – which is lovely – but today we went to the playground and the ice cream shop in Buckingham – which is a real treat – and the children played and ate.  so we got a long to time catch up and chat with both us doing quite a lot of back patting to the other.  She is a wonderful friend and excellent company – she listens and she talks.  We were both grateful for the release sharing gives.  It was a good day.  I have just read my boy a story which we borrowed from the library and I actually cried at the end ( I am a total softee ) – I managed to hide it from my boy who was absorbed in the story.  It is a lovely story which ends with a summary ‘ with every caring thing you do,  the love you give comes back to you.’  I love and enjoy the sentiment but I have come to understand that this amongst many things is drummed into us from an early age from all angles along with the ‘knight in shining armour that will save the princess for ever and ever’ …… mmm,  no wonder we are confused.

Sunday 29th May – I spent the day with my boy in the garden which was a real pleasure.  He is nearly 4 now and quite able to help and he is interested in the processes so we bought flowers and trees and planted them.  I consciously noticed how patient I was and how much I enjoyed watching what he was doing and listening to his questions.  I would have been quite up tight pre-John and stressed because ‘ he wasn’t doing in properly’ or ‘ my way.’  Now I let him plant the flowers wherever he liked – I amazed myself – and they will look better for it.  We will enjoy watering them and watching them grow and flower.  I noticed whilst walking down the lane that if I stopped talking he was quite happy to walk in silence and seemed fascnated with anything and everything.  He must have had so many things running through his mind.  It was a lovely experience.  Also my friend from yesterday called with some info for me and in the course of the conversation she said she was pleased I had got over my ‘ listening’ phase.  I know that back months ago in my blog I mentioned an evening with friends where I consciously listened which I thoroughly enjoyed especially as I was not drinking – it was such a change for me as I usually talked non stop with listening very secondary.  But afterwards she had asked if I was ok ( as my behaviour was so out of character ) so I had to explain my change.  She was glad to listen to all the ups and downs of the business rot issues going on and ‘ catch up with them’ as a friend and she very much helped yesterday.  As she said today – she was pleased I ‘opened up to her ‘ I guess in the same way I have been about stuff she has shared.  I am lucky and grateful for good solid friends.  Every day is so different now from a year ago.  However my ‘history’ stone is buried in John’s garden – Safe In John’s Garden ( I LOVE the power of the metaphor ) and I now have no problem with anything / anyone from my past at any level.  The stone exercise made me protective of it which was fascianting.  I am the person I am because of where I have been.  Clever man.  A good day.

Monday 30th May – I realised something quite interesting today.  I took my boy to a friends farm for a hearing dogs for the deaf fundraiser and whilst we were driving I had one of my cds playing and my boy actually listened to it instead of the usual ‘ put one of my cds on mummy ‘ instruction (!).  It was Roger Waters (Pink Floyd ) In The Flesh.  And I found myself thoroughly enjoying one of the tracks fromThe Wall that I went to see last weekend.  I got completely engrossed in comparing my cd listening enjoyment to that which I had enjoyed at the concert.  And initially I was surprised how much emotion the cd evoked given that I had been to the best concert ever in the world etc etc last weekend – ie how could I be enjoying the cd in the same way. Well – I realised that actually at the concert people in front of me talking annoyed me,  the fact that they were getting increasingly drunk and noisey,  the fact that they then tried to engage me in conversation (!!!),  plus they spilled their drinks on some poor lady infront of them etc etc and infact it was not just them.  I was distracted at the gig by ‘people and what they did.’  So despite the concert being out of this world,  actually listening to as track on a great cd player uninterrupted gave me intense pleasure.  I became fascinated by the various characters that were in my mind at the concert and the conversations they were having and their endless chatter which was probably an unconscious distraction from the concert.  Plus general sensory overload – music,  visuals,  sounds,  smells plus memories of and expectations related to historic emotions related to the various tracks ( hubby and I are huge Floyd fans and play their music together and have done at some pretty ‘ lost ‘ parties ) and then mixed with are my dad and sister enjoying it and ok ??  fascinating.  No wonder listening to the cd on a great system was so good. So that was today.

Wednesday 1st June – no blog last night – computer wonky ! but fine today.  I have had a very good day.  I had two massive meetings today which I lead and got everything I wanted in them.  Well almost.  Enough for sure.  I am reading an NLP book at the moment and spent both meetings trying it out which amused me to no end.  I also had no stress symptoms before either meeting or during as John has given me so many tools that work. And no stress last night thinking about them.  This is a much healthier way of life – what will be will be… and totally trusting myself and being honest with myself.  For example in the past I would have worried in case someone asked me a question I did not know the answer to.  Well,  I prepared really well and now simply know that if I don’t know and answer then that’s fine.  It’s fine not to know stuff – you can always find it out and report back.  I have been known to try and  ‘ fluff’ answers in the past which is worse.  There’s too much to write about today to put here and alot is going in my course journal.  John tomorrow – I just cannot wait.  I am desparate to stop and rest and sit.  To turn into his road and knock on the door and go in – nobody wanting anything.  absolutely perfect.

Thursday 2nd June – I love Thursdays and I missed my session last week.  We chatted for ages today as I had loads to say – so what that means is that I talked and John listened ( he’s good at that ) until I finally realised that I had talked for long enough at which point John laughed.  He had probably been watching me going through my news.  Anyway I finally shut up about an hour after I had walked into his office.  And then I said ‘ tell me a story…….’  which he did.  Brilliantly and with care and I dropped like a stone.  It was just so good to stop infact by the time I did stop I brought myself to a rather abrupt ‘ stop.’ Like hiting a brick wall – so it was quite emotionally draining.  My body had needed to stop an hour before I let it.  I think at one point we just sat in silence for quite a while and it was just what I needed and wanted.  Nobody wanting anything.  John’s timing and intuition are perfect.  I needed today.

I am treating myself to an entire day on my coursework tomorrow which I will enjoy.  A good day. The Stop was more than the time it took – I feel rested.

Friday 3rd June – I had a great day working on my course material.  I said for years and years following recurrent nightmares that my essays were not in on time for my degree that I would never study again.  I scraped my degree by the skin of my teeth and whilst I had a huge amount of fun I have felt guilty for years that I did not do as well as I could have for my parents.  Who incidentally blame my then ‘ to be’ husband who insisted we get married asap after I graduated and I ended up getting married on my graduation day ! cock up on all fronts.  Still – he’s an ex now and I’m glad he has the blame.  So today I worked solidly for 6 hours and loved every minute.  My mind and memory were pulling stuff out all over the place from all the books I have read in advance of the course and I was finding pages without any problem at all.  It felt great.  I very much enjoyed English literature at school and did it for A level and the constant referencing and reading and re reading was a process I loved.  So today took me back to King Lear / Rape of the Loch and Ted Hughes etc.  I eventually looked at my watch when my hand was aching and realised it was time to pick my boy up. My hand is still aching now.  I was doing draft stuff and I enjoy hand writing it.  And hubby got some really good news today.  I have been totally absorbed in my journey today and it has been wonderful.  I wish I could continue tomorrow – still I’ve allocated three days next week to finish what I need to get in for this month – early ( NOT late ).  I am going to pretend I am away on holiday so can’t do my normal work - I owe myself a holiday.  It will be as good as a holiday. I have written so much today – I have no idea how much you are supposed to write in answer to questions so I’m throwing everything in.  I presume there is a little bit – a lot – of ‘getting it right this time’ as opposed to my degree.  A good good day

quote for the day -’ communication is all about the response you get to it ‘ and ‘ good communication makes for good rapport and good rapport is necessary for change ‘  Can’t imagine who has I know who has excellent communication( John ?!!! )

Saturday 4th June – I am so enjoying what this life since meeting John is giving me – or rather the tools he has given me and I have/ am practising using.  Typical example – I took my boy to a children’s party today : I wore no make up at all which I am now more than used to and I love the relaxation of not wearing it.  And I am a much more authentic me when I don’t wear it – no masks that cause all kinds of effects and emotions etc.  and I wore something quite plain and receeding – not like I used to wear at all.  I would always wear make-up and a much more noticeable outfit ( as opposed to clothes ) and fluffed up hair – today,  I washed it and it never saw a hint of gel or hair spray.  I felt authentic and natural and I am now starting to relax into this new role.  I left early as it was quite a distance away and on a new estate that my sat nav did not recognise and when we got lost – which was inevitable – I did not get stressed at all.  I was calm and relaxed and we got there on time – historically I would have got snappy and stressed,  instead today when my boy asked if we were lost I said we were but it was an adventure and we were going to have fun finding the way ( which even I enjoyed ).  And the party was lovely – just to listen to people or stand quietly is perfect and it amazes me how many people start conversations ( I was always the starter and the ‘continuer’ I spoke at people to fill the gaps that I perceived may be there ).  And it’s good to listen to people and to ‘how’ they speak which is good practise for my NLP stuff although I was listening quite intensely to our postman last week and he said ‘ stop looking at me like that – I think you are hypnotising me !! ( he knows about my course ). I hope the sunshine is here tomorrow as well – it’s been lovely to stand quietly and breath and connect with the earth.  Life – as always – is very good.

Sunday 5th June – I realised today that one of my dominating thoughts pre-John was ‘ what did people really think of me / what was it like to look at me through their eyes ?’ and it is fascinating because at the time I knew that it was an impossible question to answer since even if people told me  ‘ honestly’ what they saw I would not believe them.  I remember thinking it would be good to do one of those personality tests that they give you at some job interviews – because I thought at least that would be independent and unbiased – and I did a myers briggs test.  It told me plenty of things that actually I was curiously unimpressed about – it was as though it was just a computer printout ( which of course it was ) with no ‘meat on the bones.’  So that – whilst it was an interesting thing to do – did not solve my great need to know ‘ what did people really think of me / how did they see me ?’  Ofcourse,  that all changed forever when I met John because ‘I am not about what other people think.’  Not the best language in the world but it sums it up for me.  I am about me – if people like me then fine,  if they don’t then thats also fine but I have no control or even idea what they are looking for / need / feel etc so to judge myself by how I think people see me is all a bit bonkers and wide open to conflict and stress ( which ofcourse is where I was when I met John.)  So it was interesting today that I found myself running though old thought processes that used to be with me daily but are now long gone.  Not that I have hidden that part of me or despise it or anything like that – John’s stones exercise made me protective about anything and everything I have been ( That exercise – buring a stone – was one of THE most powerful things I have done with John ).  And I was amazed how my attitude towards my past changed in an instant – to become protective about it and not want to ‘ bury ‘it was clever.  So I have had a thinking day.

Monday 6th June – I did so much today – like juggling balls and spinning something round each ankle at the same time.  All good stuff but I needed to get quite a lot of work done today so that I can dedicate tomorrow and wed to my coursework.  So my boy was not at nursery and we had arranged to go and see a friend and her boys pm – this morning was crazy. I got everything done though and in a calm and relaxed manner.  At one point hubby asked if everything was ok and I smiled at myself at the amount I was managing to do without a shred of stress. So coffee this afternoon was perfect.  I did find myself trying at one point to listen intently to what my friend was saying and trying to work out her primary modality – I love all these new words I’m learning – but I found it almost impossible to concentrate efffectively on the language she was using and on what she was saying and on our three boys who were playing outside in the garden.  I decided that working out someones primary modality should be restricted to one to one conversations or watching someone talk on tv – I had too many distractions today which in itself taught a lesson. I’m so looking forward to coursework all day tomorrow.  Bliss:-)

Tuesday 6th June – I do not know how I am managing to do so much in the day.  My days were busy and seemed to have no spare time before I started my course,  but now I’m having to create hours.  It is making me objective and I’m pleased with myself.  Even this process would not have been possible without John – I did feel myself this afternoon starting to put myself under pressure – how will I do this work on time / what about the meeting next week / and this and that needs doing etc etc etc and I could feel the tension starting to build.  It was so powerful to ‘ see’ this happening and tell myself that today I was doing what I was doing and tomorrow would be full of tomorrow stuff and there was plenty of time to prepare for my meeting.  Plus – even better – I may actually ask hubby to spend some time with our boy at the weekend for a few hours whilst I work.  I rarely ask him.  So the relaxation of trusting myself and resting and breathing is incredible – no heart beating fast in the chest etc – and the ability to dissociate and look at myself and talk to myself calmly ( and smile / laugh and pat myself on the back for doing it ) is perfect.

I made myself smile today when my best friend called and asked if I had hypnotised anyone and without thinking I said yes,  a neighbour and then immediately checked myself and said – oops that’s not very confidential : thankfully she doesn’t know anyone and I have lots of neighbours.  But it illustrated  a clear point.  I am going to do some more work now as hubby is not back til late – I’m so enjoying rummaging through my books and re reading stuff.  AND being able to find what I am looking for.  It’s great great fun.  The real thing on Thursday :-)

Wednesday 8th June – I have had a busy day on my coursework and a general busy day all round.  Another day of keeping all the balls in the air – I know I am on my reserves right now. However dinner and finishing my book, then John tomorrow – as always,  I can’t wait.  nobody wanting anything for a few hours which will feel like a weeks holiday.  Perfect.

Thursday 9th June – everything today was perfect – I could end my writing here.  The day was full of all the very best things – it started with my session with John which blew me away.  I came away with a huge smile on my face and loads and loads in my mind – the sessions always feel so much more than the actual time duration.  Life stops and kind of restarts inside his office – it’s a world within a world and truely nobody wanting anything.  Just peace and calm and a Stop.  I have managed to get my boy into his nursery again tomorrow so I can catch up on some work ( my business ) but mainly to do some more coursework.  I said to John that my coursework is now firmly in my office ( and lounge and dining room ) and is like a cuckoo : quite quickly shoving my business stuff out of the door.  John said he took 10months out to just read – I so wish I could do that.  I get over excited and absorbed when I am doing coursework and don’t want to stop for anything.  I have found me.  It has been an amazing day and John did several really kind things today.  Thankyou.

Friday 10th June – I have had half a day on my coursework and I did not want to stop.  I just keep writing and writing and I’m loving it and John helped me out with something today that always looked as though it was going to be helpful however it is going to be so much more than that.  The problem will be controlling my enthusiasm!  John told me recently that I am a type 7 personality and I am hooked on it. I am thoroughly enjoying the ‘looking in at myself’ pricess.  Its amazing and such fun.  I just love this stuff so much and it gives me incredible peace and calm and the best distraction ever.  It’s like a great film that you get to see for the first time every day.  A perfect day and a perfect week.

Saturday 11th June – I amused myself today – as I often do now – by listening to a conversation two of my characters were having in my mind.  I was in tesco and walked past the whisky shelf – which always gets some response – and it was on offer at £17 .  I actually stopped and thought that I would buy a bottle and then realised that the voice in my head that was saying ‘ go on, get a bottle,  it’s really cheap,  you don’t have to have a drink tonight,  just put it in the cupboard and anyway hubby will be pleased when he gets home to see it there and he can have a drink if he likes, and you know how much he likes whisy etc etc etc…..’ was actually my saboteur character. I was listening to this voice with amusement when another voice seemed eventually in his own good time to come in and ask me what I thought of what the first voice had been burbling on about.  I smiled at myself and said ‘ no thanks,  Mr Saboteur,  not today.  I’m just fine without whisky and if hubby wants one I am sure he is more than capable of buying a bottle if he so wishes.  So thanks – but no thanks.’  I metaphorically patted myself on the back – re ran the conversation between my saboteur character and Big Mind ( he’s The Man ) and carried on shopping.  I find the dissociation of having a by now well understood cast of characters in my mind who are constantly chatting to eachother and to me a wonderful tool.  And the fact that I can press mute on a ‘remote control’ in my mind to shut them up if I want or f/forward or rewind if I need to adds more power to the effect.  I feel I am in control of them and not them in control of me and – as I have said before – some of the most potentially stressful moments are diffused into quite funny moments : it’s very effective to simply press the ‘off’ button.  I have many many times like this in the day when I use tools John has given me,  It used to be quite a deliberate exercise however many of them are now firmly lodged in the ” unconscious competence’ area of my brain which is where John said they would finally live. In other words its starting to become automatic.  however I do very much enjoy the conscious competence aspect – I love being totally aware of what is going on in my mind and breaking situations and events down into big and small chunks.  Its so much fun and such a different way of life.  It’s perfect.

Sunday 12th June – we treated ourselves to  a pub lunch today and the entire experience was so relaxing. I am now able to wear what I want to ( not what I consider I should wear ),  get there when I feel like it ( there is no hurry – its only us ),  eat without rushing ( onto the next thing lined up for the day ) and eat whatever I want ( which included an excellent chocolate fudge cake ).  There was no stressing about anything at all which is a very different experience from my life pre-John.  It was such a lovely thing to do and we had a simple and great time.  A recharge of my inner battery.  We got caught in the motorcycle grand prix traffic coming home which I found amusing since hubby was driving and he was not happy at all – nudging up to the next car / not letting anyone in/ tutting and holding the steering wheel tightly.  I found the entire thing very amusing and simply sat and enjoyed the rain and the relaxation.  My life is so very different now and I have found my ‘ place.’  I worked on my course stuff this morning and this afternoon and did not feel at all guilty letting my boy watch a dvd which he clearly enjoyed – it’s Sunday.  A perfect day and I feel refreshed and healthy.   And no alcohol for about a week which always makes me feel better – I love the fresh clean feeling.  And no caffeine either – I’m not missing that at all.

Monday 13th June – I am practising pacing and leading/ matching / modelling at the moment ( NLP ) which is quite hard when you are also trying to concentrate on a conversation or more importantly the content and your responses. Made more difficult by the fact that I felt for example last week that I was staring intensely at a friend and listening too hard to the point that I felt she may think I had gone mad – I gave up in the end and opted for a normal conversation at the risk of ruining an excellent afternoon.  However I was putting my boy to bed tonight and he was very excited – big day today,  first settling session in prep for his new school in September plus a lovely afternoon at a neighbours with their dog which he loves.  So by bed time he was running round like a lunatic.  we chose some books,  then sat down and I proceeded to try out some techniques on him – pausing before starting the book ‘ just that little bit longer than normal’ made him look at me and ‘wait’ for whatever I was about to say,  reading very quietly but clearly also helped calm his mood and breathing slowly to match his breaths – not easy as children breath quickly – did the trick. By the end of the first book he was really relaxed and listening – and at one point when he looked like he was about to bounce about again I simply paused whilst reading until he calmed again,  then continued.  I amazed myself.  We had a lovely story moment and he is now splat in bed.  Another perfect day. Oh – and I used the classis double bind today when leaving him for the first time at the new school – ‘would you like to stay and play with their toys for one or two hours ‘ to which he replied ‘ five’ very excitedly.  I patted myself heartily on the back.  I’m home

Tuesday 14th June – I had my monthly meeting with my very lovely business partner today – hubby couldn’t make the meeting so I went by myself.  He is an amazing character – very funny,  clever,  quick and charming so the meetings are always good even if bad things need to be discussed.  He is the type of man who will get anything he wants because he asks very nicely and respectfully and makes you laugh ( as you are signing your life away ).  Clearly we get on very well indeed.  He has also taught me so much and given that everything we both do is accountable to eachother the dynamic is great.  Especially for me – I can be a bit soft but knowing I have to ‘report back’ to him toughens me up which is good and makes me feel good ( not that I ever felt down trodden – more a victim of my own need to please : wow,  did I just write that ? how true and profound ! ).  So when he walked in I was already waiting – no surprise there – and he was on the phone ( no surprise there – he keeps a lot of balls in the air by nature and enjoys the juggling  only to catch them all expertly and in the right colour order before putting them away ). He plonked himself down next to me ,  huge smile and continued talking.  I got completely absorbed in what he was saying and how he was saying it ( my new more detailed listening and breaking language patterns down / modalities etc practise ) and I have never been aware of anyone using so many metaphors constantly.  Sometimes two in one sentence.  It was fascinating.  I know that I use matephors a lot – maybe thats part of why we get on.  He is definitely a visual person as well.  I watched his eyes / body language etc and listened to what and how he was saying – it was great and much easier than trying to concentrate on all this stuff in a normal conversation.  The absolute beauty of this was that I did not have to think about talking back – so I could concentrate on him.  It was so much fun and so interesting.  I’ve got another full day on my coursework tomorrow – can’t wait.  I emailed one of the tutors today to ask when the case studies had to be in by which I presumed was the middle of August some time to which she cleverly said ‘ you have to complete them to qualify the first part of the course,  so the sooner the better.’  I loved the structure of her answer – so much better than actually saying they have to be in by 27th August which ofcourse would more than likely mean I would hand them in the week before.  Now I feel like I want to start work immediately and get them in soon ‘ to give myself an advantage’ sort of thing.  This is perfect.

Wednesday 15th June – I was tired today.  I spent an entire day on my coursework with a bit of business thrown in and was up very early to drop my boy into nursery,  then it was a friends Birthday so we dropped in there after nursery with present etc at around 5.15pm.  I had no intention of staying however she convinced me – it didn’t take much – to stop for a cup of tea.  It was a great cup of tea and I was aware that stopping in a busy day was perfect and I relaxed.  I had skipped lunch I was so busy – and absorbed in my coursework.  I then got back on the ‘roller coaster,’ came home,  put the bins to the end of the lane AND the recycling,  ran round like a mad thing tidying the house as I have a visitor tomorrow for my course, did not feel guilty at all plonking my boy in front of a dvd,  then story,  bath and bed ( which is where my boy finally is now…… ).  Oh – I forgot – I managed to get myself into a lovely hot bath which did the trick and recharged my batteries before the story / bath/ bed routine. I washed and dried my hair which I feel refreshed for now.   I have a new conditioner which smells like coconut – it’s lovely and makes me think of the beach.  Hubby out til late so I’m going to enjoy a nice dinner – the cooking is relaxing – and then I’m going to read and have an early night.  On busy busy days especially when I am tired I have to consciously remind myself to breath and live the moment – rather than seeing the day as a race to the end.  Everything will get done and if it doesn’t,  the world will not end.  It’s a powerful way to live my life and it works so well.  John tomorrow thank goodness – as always I just can’t wait ( actually I mean ‘ I am so looking forward to… ‘) turning into his road and knocking on his door and plonking myself down for a change into someone elses care.  Nobody wanting anything – most of all ‘me’ no wanting anything.  It’s perfect.

Thursday 16th June – John today which was amazing. I have been seeing him for nearly a year and every session is fresh. I noticed he had written ‘ we attach meaning to meaningless events ‘ on his note board which I instantly copied down for entry into my notebook at home. I write down everything we do as I want to be able to come back to it. He is so clever. And then I was so looking forward to chatting with a young woman who had agreed via John to chat with me and help me with my coursework. I had a lot of fun and we chatted for ages and it was so so much help. Thankfully I recorded the session and will be able to pick back through it – there were some real gems of experience that only talking to someone in the ‘real’ situation ( rather than a ficticious one as in my coursework ) can give you. I am loving this so much and I learned so much about what her life has been about so far. I had a fantastic day today.

Friday 17th June – I had another great day today working on my course stuff. I thoroughly enjoy it. And John suggested that talking to myself in the car whilst driving – hypnotic stories and language – would be good practise so I’ve been doing it at any opportunity. I love it. What is fascinating is that I can hear myself talking and John’s voice in my head – and invariably his words and tone. Its not surprising given that I am almost a year into therapy and I listen to his recordings every night. I found myself talking about all kinds of things – it took a while to get going but now I ramble on for ages. I have found places and memories of my own that I become completely absorded in – great mountain views, my Grandad’s tomatoes in his greenhouse, his garden challet, the river by my Nanny’s house in Wales that we used to spend ages with my sisters and dad building dams in – knee deep in fresh clear water. I have been back to some great places today. I had an amusing email exchange with John today which ended in his comment ‘ lean into fear……’ Hey, I’m leaning. It is such a powerful thing to say and takes all the fear out of fear – I wrote it on my wall in my office along with a few of John’s other pearls of wisdom. Clever clever man.

Saturday 18th June – I have spent the day on my coursework. It was supposed to be two hours which turned into several more by choice and I did not feel guilty at all asking hubby to take our son out for a few hours on their own. Pre-John I would have not asked him – not because he would have said no but rather because I have got so used to looking after him all weekend whilst hubby plays golf for most of the day that I could not change the routine. Fascinating. Even better is that having asked him to take our boy out I did not follow it up with instructions as to where he should take him and how etc etc. I simply left it to them. They did go to Macdonalds ( grrrrr ) this will always be a daddy treat. I struggle to walk into the place. So I have worked hard all day and enjoyed it. I’m nearly finished. And I became aware today that I cannot honestly remember last time I was stressed !! I am so calm now and able to cope with anything, and mostly I don’t fear anything – what will be will be. I trust myself which is just so powerful. John said in the early days of my therapy that it took about 4 months to recharge your internal ‘ battery ‘ . I know what it feels like now. Perfect, again…

Sunday 19th June – Hubby played golf this morning and then we all met up at his mums for Fathers Day lunch. She is an incredible lady – we get on exceptionally well and invariably hubby takes himself off into the lounge for a sleep and we chat and chat for ages. And she is Jewish and an amazing cook – and she cooks more than you could possibly ever eat and insists we take everything home that we don’t eat. It’s always a lot of fun. Driving down to her house – an hour away – always gives me thinking time and today I had quite a ‘thought.’ I have had a drink Friday and Saturday night – nothing major but nevertheless a few glasses of whisky. I don’t mind as I rarely drink now and when I do it seems to follow a pattern of two nights then nothing for ages ( never one night then nothing ). I was wondering why I cannot give it up ? since I have given up caffiene without any problem at all and also food – well just all the stuff like curries and carbohydrate based stuff – and I do not and could not go back to eating as I used to. And I feel very very healthy indeed. However I just can’t give up the alcohol – or more importantly the whisky, since I now do not drink and do not miss anything else. I came to the conclusion that the caffeine and food were habits, but the whisky ( or alcohol ) was more of a dependancy for a long time – it relaxed me / destressed me / made me feel better / took me ‘away from it all for a while’ etc etc . So giving it up completely as I would very much like to do is going to be more difficult. I’m proud I’m in control and rarely drink but I believe I cannot go to the next level with it still in my life. I feel it and what is represents is holding me back. I’m going to think about this more this week. Just breaking down thoughts is such fun as is telling myself stories in the car to practise for my course – John’s idea. It’s perfect fun.

Monday 20th June – I have had a day of conversations with myself regarding the business rot and the only consolation is that I accept what may happen and that it may happen for an reason and that I will deal with it when it happens. I came to a decision today which took all day. I’m glad I have had 9monhs of therapy and once I had accepted responsibility for the decision I felt better it had been made. It’s been a tough day but reassuring in the sense that I would not have been this calm without 9 months of therapy behind me. I am very much aware that this is taking / has taken more out of me ( us ) that I realise. Simple things that should be such a pleasure or numbed by it and hubby actually said not to buy him anything for Father’s Day as he really didn’t need anything. And I nearly agreed as I just could not see when I could get to buy something / what it could be that he would like etc etc until I caught myself and reminded myself that this is a pleasure to be enjoyed. There was a time when we just did not think we would ever be parents – it took so long to have our boy. So we had a lovely day at hubby’s mums and I bought / made some fun presents which he enjoyed. I will be glad when this is all over whatever the outcome.

Tuesday 21st June – I have had a better day today, yesterday was just too much thinking about difficult things. I spent all of today on coursework which was great. Then I remembered what the Vicar said in Church on Sunday as part of his Sermon, that ‘ you can’t stop a bird landing in your hedge but you can stop it building a nest.’ I love that so much – it can apply to so many things. And his Sermon was powerful – he was talking about weeds and how many – 1000′s – of seeds they can have and how poppy seeds for example can lay dormant in the soil for 80-100 years before someone turns the soil and they get exposed to sunlight and rain and they grow. This too can apply to many things. I have had a good day and am pleased with the decisions I made and the speed at which I made them yesterday. In the end life is not complicated, unless you choose to make it so.

Wednesday 22nd June – it has been a long week – Thursday tomorrow.  I am so looking forward to Stopping and resting and having me time.

Friday 24th June – it is late tonight for me and I have my course tomorrow which I am so looking forward to .  It will be fantastic to just Stop.  This course is more than just study – it’s me.  I know I have found me.  I had a cuddle from a friend yesterday and a cuddle from one today – both released tension.  I love this quote -  it takes control to lose control.  I did not ‘lose it ‘ with either of them but both pressed the right buttons and I felt safe.  They were both good places to be.  Both special people.

Monday 27th June – I have had a such a busy few days I’ve not had the enrgy to write.  My course is going so well and I’m enjoying it intensely.  I listen to everthing and think and ask and it’s just brilliant.  The group are very good indeed and the tutor amusing so there is a good atmosphere.  My frustration is that I wish I could just stop my normal business stuff and read and write and do homework 24/7 for my course – I guess that will come in time.  I am using a lot of John’s tols at the moment as the business rot is rearing its ugly head again however just being on the course is reassuring on many levels.  If I had not met John and decided to study life would have been very very different.  Instead its tough but ‘ life.’  I am trying to accept what is going on and have no fear and not to listen to the voices in my head – and whenthat doesn’t work I put the images on tv screens and turn them down / off / bacwards at speed  for amusiement / forwards etc or take myself to a safe place and rest.  I have so many tols from John and have been using and practising them for so long that eventually one works and I move on. Just breaking down what has worked and why is a fascinating process.  I am hooked and enjoying the journey so much.  I am finding my authentic self and with it  is coming great internal Power. I often amaze myself by the power that supports me from within – and it’s good to know its mine.  Bandler says -’ be careful what you wish for……’  I have my wish already and am looking  forward to where it is going to take me.

Tuesday 28th June – Given what I am going through at the moment and how calm I am remaining there must be a volcano about to erupt somewhere inside me.  One of those that comes totally without warning and obliterates the surrounding hillside.  I have been good today – very good.  Productive and strong in testing times.  It has been a day of energy and total calmness.

Wednesday 29th June -  I have had a strong day.  I have learned a lot about myself over the last 9 months most importantly that I have me to trust.  And that me is full of such a lot of resources all capable of dealing with anything and everything if I just look for,  find and trust those resources. The body and mind is a beautiful and powerful thing  – how lucky we are.

 Thursday 30th June – the business rot finished yesterday.  I got up this morning and opened the curtains and the world has light in it again.  I guess there will be a few more of these moments over the next few weeks.  My session with John was incredible – how many times have I said that ??  9 months of therapy in an hour – he took me to places I knew well and some gently engineered new places that had to be gone through to get out into open water again.  I could see at one point that it was as if I was following a tunnel deep underground – like an old train tunnel – and was going along it quite fast and always looking round the next corner to see the end.  It was all purple and orange and pink and at one point I lost the tunnel and it turned into a road – same colours.  It was amazing and so ‘real.’  I mention this because I told John afterwards and he said he had had a very similar experience – the same thing,  tunnels,  with a fasciating ending.  I just lost mine somewhere in my mind and couldn’t find it again.  It was wonderful.  I had an amazing session today – I feel great.  Welcome the light………..

Friday 1st July – I had a wonderful and hard working day on my coursework – just planning one case study.  It took ages as I was completely absorbed and engrossed.  I ran out of time to finish it today so may pinch a few hours tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to  a lovely day with my boy.  Threre is a lot of light in the world again and I feel great.

Saturday 2nd July – what a wonderful day.  I was talking with John  about  anchoring at our session on Thursday and he said something that I have not read anywhere ( and I have read a lot of books since January this year ) or heard anyone say on my course despite quite a lengthy session on anchoring.  John said that it was just as important to recharge the anchor ( as well as use it ).  I got it straight away – he’s so clever and it was SO him.  So I spent the day walking round in the sunshine with my boy enjoying a picnic by the river and then going to the playground recharging my ‘good feeling / connected with the earth / standing in a golden light ‘ anchor.  What was interesting is that something happened that I could not have anticipated – recharging the anchor ofcourse was a great feeling and lead to many very pleasant moments just ‘ enjoying a moment’ and concentrating on the pleasure of the moment – the simple pleasure of sunshine or my boy playing or the sound of the river,  ducks diving uder the water and coming up splashing about and my boy laughing – they all recharged a very positive anchor and it felt like it was going to burst.  That sensation of ‘ goodness’ was in itself bigger than I could have ever achieved from just anchoring a single thought / feeling. However on top of that it made me realise ( not that I didn’t realise this ) actively how many good moments there are in the day.  And THAT was powerful.  Ofcourse I’m sure John knows this already – bet he’s smiling now Brilliant – so brilliant…. as he says,  I’ve only scratched the surface of this thing.  It’s a great journey and a great life.

Sunday 3rd July – My hubby has decided that it is time to lose some weight and stop drinking and that he is going to let me help him.  This is a big decision for him and he has been wanting to do both for some considerable time.  He has also agreed to let me try some of the things I have been learning with John on him and also reading about / learning on my course.  This is also a big thing for him as until now he has been adamant that I ‘try out’ on anyone but him.  Since he decided yesterday to begin this new regime on Monday – tomorrow – he has been very interested in what and how we might achieve his healthier lifestyle.  He actually asked me to go through any thoughts I had with him whilst he was driving us today to his mum’s ( one hour trip ).  So my point today is that his change in ‘ interest ‘ has come about because he has now made the decision himself to do something about his weight and drinking.  This in itself proves he is serious.  I remember John in our first telephone call asking me right at the end if I was really serious about the changes I wanted to make  – a very good question.  And a good day.

Monday 4th July – I have spent the day on my coursework again whilst doing my normal work round it – I am enjoying it so much that I get completely asborbed in chapters in books that lead to internet searches that lead to more books.  I wish I could take 6 months off and do this full time.  My boy is still up as I collected him an hour later than normal at nursery so I could do my coursework then we went to tescos -at one point I found myself worrying about how late it was getting !! such an old me thing – I reset myself and couldn’t care less what the time was.  We enjoyed tesco and just to test myself I let him go on the iggle piggle childrens ride afterwards.  I stood and made contact with the earth and enjoyed the moment – just like I am doing now.  perfect – so he goes to bed at a different time tonight – he’s happy and so are we 

Tuesday 5th July – I wrote a hypnotic script today that I was really proud of as I loved the content however when I read it back to myself sometime later a few of the words really jumped out.  I guess this is because the subconscious picks up on certain words – I had used the word shame to illustrate a point but whilst it illustrated the point well in normal speech in a hypnotic script it was just too strong.  It was fascinating how it jumped off the page and hooked my attention – a John phrase .  So I wonder if when you are feeling low negotive thoughts / words hook you in the same way.  Anyway – I changed the wording and I’m hoping I get a good response from my tutor ( yes John I will run it by you .  Meanwhile the house is a tip / my boy is still not in bed / and there are personal growth books and therapy books everywhere – life could not be any better !

 Wednesday 6th July – I have had a great day.  I did coursework all day and I just love it so much.  I get completely absorbed in.  It makes me very objective with my ‘paying’ business.  And it came to me today that it seems like ages ago that the business rubbish finished when infact it was only last week.  Amazing how the mind works – maybe my thoughts yesterday were correct that the subconscious hooks the negotive stuff.  My life has become full again of real stuff – except this time it has a completely new dimension.  My course and my journey is incredible and it fills every day and evening and into the night – I still listen to John’s recordings every night.  I feel hungry – that’s a great word.  And John has given me my life back – before him I thought I was just too old to train at anything new.  He cured that one in one session.  Thursday tomorrow – thank goodness.  I can’t wait – it’s always fun and busy and my time.  Nobody wanting anything.  Perfect – time to stop – for me

Thursday 7th July – it’s Thursday – there is nothing else to be said. an excellent day and session with John and I’m out tonight for dinner.  no time to blog xx

Friday 8th July – John leant me a brilliant cd on Thursday – Sleight of Mouth by Doug O’Brien.  Is is a concentrated version of NLP and I nearly crashed the car – not really – listening to it.  It’s amazing and there are so many ‘wow – I get that ‘ moments.  Just brilliant clever real stuff – I got home and wrote so many notes.  Like loosen your grip on your belief systems / everything was described so visually. Compulsive stuff. Apparently it comes with a hand book which I am going to try and get.  John said I’d enjoy it .  As always he was right.  I spent the day on my coursework – like a very happy pig in muck ! I just love this stuff.  There are not enough hours in the day. What a perfect perfect day.

Saturday 9th July – I went to a music class this morning with my boy as part of the Buckingham Festival Fortnight.  The lady who ran it has been doing a music class which we have been attending termly since my boy was about 6months old.  She is incredible – brilliant.  And I met up with  a friend there who I have not seen for ages because I have just had my head firmly in work / ccourse / business rot and keeping the home running so anything extra like coffee with a mate has had to take a side line.  It was so lovely and perfect to see her – we had such a warm cuddle.  Aren’t cuddles just the best.  I thought we’d never let go of eachother. There are a lot of people out there feeling the pressure right now and we had a a very ‘ real ‘ moment together.  Very grounding.  And it was just so good to say that the business rot was over and to talk about life without dark .  And then we wondered back through the market and bought a present for the music teacher for next week which will be my boys last class with her before he starts school in September – emotional really.  And the lady on the stall was so nice – we chatted and I picked a few really good things and she gave my boy a toy he wanted …for free.  It was such a nice gesture and a very real day in the sunshine.  My inner battery – as John says – is fully charged and I recharge it daily with all the good stuff I now see – and have been seeing more clearly – since meeting John.  Life has got light in it – Johns thuoght for the day focussed on light this week,  you can’t find it by staying in the dark ( can’t remember exact words and its in my note book so that will have to do for now ).  Light in my life – nobody wanting anything,  mainly me not wanting anything. perfect.

Sunday 10th July – I worked until about 1am this morning on my coursework.  Despite every best intention I am behind but not because I’ve been lazy – quite the opposite – I am just writing so much stuff and enjoying it that everything is taking huge amounts of time complete.  I know I’m writing more than is required however I couldn’t write any less ‘ for me.’  I love it so much and there are not enough hours in the day.  However – I got stuck last night at one point.  I knew what I wanted to write but just ‘ couldn’t get there.’  Then I remembered one of the very early tricks John taught me – from his Warriors Settlers Nomads book – make a contract with your subconscious that you know it will be working through the information for you and trust it to do the job.  And tell it that you’ll come back to it tomorrow at 4pm when you’ expect’ it to have the answers.  This is such an amazing stress relieving exercise.  Not that I was stressed at all last night – I haven’t been stressed for months.  I have such incredible mechanisms now in place that stress is a definite ‘no no’ – I don’t want the effects of stress anywhere in my system.  Its my responsibility to get stressed or not – so I’ve been taking the ‘ or not’ stance for a considerable time now.  Clever John.  So I came back to my work at about 5.30pm today and wrote exactly the paragraph I wanted almost immediately.  Clever clever stuff.  And the day was made even better by myself and my boy watching the red arrows flying over and around our house very low indeed today as part of their display for the Grand Prix – I love jets and fighters and planes anyway,  but this is the first year my boy has truly been wowed by them.  They were so loud and low.  His face and comments gave me quite an emotional moment.  A great day – as always.  Coursework tonight.

Monday 11th July – I was up until 1am last night doing coursework by choice and to be honest I could have stayed up all night.  I onltywent to bed because I knew I had to drive my boy to nursery and didn’t want to be tired on the journey this morning. John says I’m a type 7 – all or nothing personality and  so does my best friend – I guess until I met John I didn’t see it in me at all.  But my course has taken over my life – or rather ( hook ) I have allowed myself to become completely absorbed in it.  I start down one thought and disappear off all over the place – there are just not enough hours in the day.  I have a book by my side constantly and even in my car now I am borrowing John’s cds – and when I am not listening to a cd I am talking to myself practising inductions / scripts / modalities.  All by John’s suggestion which is a great idea – I get lost in my own stories.  All or nothing…… well its definitely all at the moment and I cannot see it ever changing.  I truly feel like I am ‘home’ in every sense.

Tuesday 12th July – just when had started to remember what like was like before the business rot it came back again today.  I actually was so furious I said the F word at ( directly at ) my solicitor since they have cocked up !!! and tried to make out – for a micro second – that I ( a  non -qualified person ) should have anticipated the chink that the other side saw in our settlement deal.  I was livid.  I have told my legal team in no uncertain terms where they stand right now and to be honest it’s a lot worse for them than me since I’m not paying them a penny now until they sort this out.  So it’s back in my life again.  And I haven’t told hubby – he thinks everything is fine today.  I know what kind of hero I’m trying to be right now but I haven’t got the energy to think too hard about it,  so that will just be the way it is for now.  How nice to be able to ‘vent’ ( John’s word ) at my idiot of a solicitor and then take a deep breath and relax.  What a great feeling.  Thankfully I got my coursework homework back with an excellent comment so ‘real’ life is great.  And Thursday is the day after tomorrow.  I’ll be up late tonight finishing more coursework but I don’t mind – I love it.  I truly truly love it – it’s me.

Saturday 16th July – no blog for the last couple of nights as I have ben burning more than the midnight oil finishing my coursework for this month.  Course today and tomorrow.  I am so hooked on this stuff – I am obsessed with it.  I have to shut myself up from talking about it and spending two whole days on it this weekend is just excellent.  I heard a great quote today – the future doesn’t have to be the past.  There were a few others which I noted down but that one was the best.  Exam tomorrow – yikes – its a long long time since I took an exam.  Life is good .

Sunday 17th July – I passed my course :-) technically I am now qualified as a clinical hypnotherapist- the rest of the year will be for building up therapeutic skills knowledge.  I am ecstatic.  And all because of John .  I remember clearly realising that I wanted to do this soon after meeting John as he turned my life around overnight.  And then I remember thinking – I had had a terrible day with the business rot – it was just not possible at all.  I emailed John and cancelled appointments and there were a lot of tears and heart break.  John as ever was wonderful and sent me the following email : The 3 Rules of the Spiritual Warrior.  1) She doesn’t conspire against herself 2) She doesn’t put herself in situations where she will conspire against herself 3) She doesn’t conspire with others against herself.  WELL – that made me really cry.  I then re-booked all my appointments and booked the course about a week later.  He’s amazing.  I have the quote on my wall in my office and read it daily – along with ‘ lean into fear.’

So powerful – what a life he has given me.  I’m on top of the world

Monday 18th July – Another fascinating day. Days are always fascinating now since it never ceases to amaze me how many times I talk to myself in the  ‘ old me ‘ way.  The interesting thing is that I realise that an old me belief / thought / comment has ‘hooked me’ and just smile and reframe whatever it was.  It is such a peaceful and calm way to live.  John sent me one of his best quotes today – be the change you want to see in the world.  So perfect.  ‘Being’ was and is so important to me since meeting John – I have learned to ‘ be.’  I remember it stopped me dead in my tracks when I realised it – another one of John ‘s powerful gentle stories.  He sends you softly crashing down and is then there waiting for you with a knowing smile.  His timing is excellent.  ‘Being’  is good.  And living the being is the only way.  I struggle for words sometimes to sum up how I feel -but today ‘ Being’ is good – I ‘ Am.’    Amazing stuff………..

 Tuesday 19th July- I have had a strange day.  Not a battle but certainly a day of internal turbulance.  Its always because of the business rot and I can’t believe after thinking it was all over a month ago I’m now looking at going to court in August.  I had light in my life ( additional light after dark ) for a week or so…………….I don’t feel stressed because I have not been stressed in months but I am aware of the fact that I am unconsciously numbing something quite nasty all the time.  My stomach has been in a knot all day which I have not felt for months.  John uses a great word when you need to relax – SAG.  I have sagged a lot today.  It does work.  Just to sit down and sag really means you cannot feel stress or anything – it is such a deep thing to do.  I can’t – clearly – describe it,  except that it has worked all day and I have used it all day. Anyway….at least I have been strong today and proud of myself – my solicitor sent me a stupid suggestion of where to go next and I am pleased to say I told him exactly where we were going.  He’s a nice and good bloke however he has got himself in far too deep and one of the consolations is that he has realised it too late. I didn’t mean him to and I certainly never lead him however events have run ahead of him.  Whatever – this is all very cryptic.  It’s been a tough day but SAG worked.  My stomach is bad now.  I’m so bloody cross I’m still here writing like this when I thought it was all over. I was TOLD it was all over by my solicitor !!!!! twit.  Is it Thursday yet ?? not long.  I’m going to read tonight and get myself back into the real world.

Wednesday 20th July – I have had a better day today. I read a book John had loaned me last night ‘ jonathan livingston seagull.’  That put me back in the right frame of mind.  I then had an incredibly clear dream last night that everyone was standing on top of sky scrapers waiting for the world to end on a specific evening.  I was on one and my sister was on the one along from me.  Hers was about ‘ feeling’ how the world was going to end and mine was for ‘seeing’ how the world was going to end.  I remember thinking at the time that everyone was a bit lame just standing there waiting for it to happen and looking up to the skies and then thinking ‘ this is stupid.’  And walking down the flights of stairs passing everyone,  collecting my sister and suggesting we get on with our lives as normal and if something happens then that is fine too – however I’m not wasting my life ‘ waiting for something to happen.’  It was crystal clear this morning – like the book had just gone straight to my subconscious.  It was a good way to wake up and go to bed.  Then I spent the morning with my web designer and started – whilst I was waiting for him – another book from John – The Reluctant Messiah which is killing me it is so brilliant.  I’ll finish it tonight and will order a copy of both books tomorrow.  So a day of renewal – and Thursday tomorrow.  The dream was quite amazing – its still with me now. That complete lack of interest in ‘ waiting for something to happen.’ I guess that’s what is hard at the moment re the business rot – I thought it was all over by making something happen and now its back.  And I can’t do anything about it this time.  We’ll see – who knows.  I wish it was just me making the decision as it would be easier.  I’ll finish the book tonight and hope for relevant dreams – it has certainly enriched everything I have learned and understood so far.

Thursday 21st July – as always – thank goodness for Thursdays.  I have felt for some days now that I am existing in parts.  Part of me is here and part of me is there and part of me is hiding etc.  And I have had a deep urge to run.  I used to do a lot of running before I had my boy – in the gym – and I used to really enjoy the whole experience.  The warm up,  the run,  the pain and awkwardness of the first 15mins ( always  ) and then the release to run for ages.  I used to switch off completely - absorbed in the physicality of the muscles, my breathing,  pace,  the sounds of my shoes,  the weight on my feet and then the warm / slow / walk down which always took at least 10 mins.   I felt like running today – a long way.  I wanted to fell run today up a huge mountain – I used to do it on my summer holidays from University when I was teaching outdoor pursuits to kids. There is such a freedom with it and also it has to be precise – a foot out or a slip and you can fall or twist an ankle.  So there is a keenness to watch ahead carefully with your eyes and land your feet solidly with a readiness to lift quickly and run again if your foot slips.  So I wanted to do that today – in the rain.  Preferably up a monster mountain that hurt to climb – I guess I wanted to be part of the earth – to merge and disappear just for a while.

Anyway – I got an equally good alternative – two hours with John.  So I stopped……….and it was good. I still feel my parts are everywhere and I’m not exactly sure where I am. Actually I know where I am – with my head in a therapy book.  That’s home right now.  I’ll read again tonight and finish an incredible book John loaned me.  perfect…….

 Friday 23rd July- The only consolation about today has been that it was my boys sports day which was magical and that I have had John’s tools to draw on.  He told me on Thursday to focus on what my characters were feeling / saying as opposed to what I was feeling / saying.  I have to say it is a very powerful tool indeed and it has reminded me that I am not the voices in my head.  Whilst they may for example be having a crap day,  the authentic me is actually fine.  It only gets damaged if it mistakenly morphs into one of the characters.  However – big however,  parts of today have been very crap indeed and it’s hard to be detached from the pain a ‘ character ‘ is deeply experiencing.  Being a ‘parent’ to its pain has a soothing effect in that parents have always ‘ been there and know it will pass / that its all part of growing up’ but even parents hate to see a child upset as if their world is going to end.  I was not at the world is going to end ( not quite ) but I have been battling for a long time and my energy reserves for it are all but out.  I have been keeping all the pain from my hubby as its not necessary for both of us to struggle however I knew I could not hide it forever.  I remember saying in my blog I don’t know what kind of hero I’m trying to be – well I had to tell hubby today.  And at the very instant I told him I found out why I had not told him – because it has been good not to TALK about it.  And now suddenly its all out in the open again.  Thats the tough thing to deal with.  Not my best day.

Sunday 24th July – John emailed me.  His timing was perfect.  As he said – even Spiritual Warriors have bad days. It hit the spot.  That was a good start to the day followed by ‘ real’ things like a childrens party which was a pleasure and an evening in the village.  We have a new bell in the church tower – first one in fifty years – so there was a service and then bbq which was wonderful and actually very emotional. That hit the spot too. Real stuff not s*it ( apologies ). So I spent the evening with family and friends and my boy – up til 10pm.  Hubby had a cold and left early but we stayed and walked home in a beautiful sunset which we both stopped to enjoy.  Probably my boys first experience of a sunset.  He was quite taken with it.  A bettter day – thankyou John.

Monday 25th July – I just wrote my blog and it jumped out.  Just about sums up my day.  I’m frazzled.  no more energy to blog.

Tuesday 26th July – I have had the knot in my stomach all day that I managed to get rid of 6 months ago.  It feels like a big acid balls that could rupture at any time.  Not the nicest image however that’s how it has felt all day despite all my best efforts.  The only consolation is that I know what it is and it’s nothing to worry about. And another consolation is that I know I am going through a very tough time right now and feeling turbulant is to be expected and accepted. ’ The is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands ‘ quote from John’s brilliant book he loaned me The Reluctant Messiah.  I’m trying very hard to see the gift at the moment………..hey,  at least I’m trying and have not given up looking.  It’s there somewhere – maybe once the problem has gone away I will see the gift.  I’m too close to it right now – far too close.  Its wrapped round me with a flippin tight grip – mainly round my stomach.  I think the roots of the problem are deep in my belly. Hey ho – the gift is there somewhere.

 Wednesday 27th July – I feel a bit better today.  Having tried all of my ‘tools’ yesterday with varying degrees of success – I think the overall relief was not so much any one tool but rather the fact that I had so many to go through and it was a distraction – I went to bed early last night and listened to John’s recordings.  I realised after a few minutes that his tone was doing the job.  I relaxed.  I ‘ took the load off  ’ as John says. I fell asleep half way through Pain but woke up the middle of a weight loss hypnosis recording – I would normally have switched it off but given that I was not listening to his words but rather using his tone to ‘ hit the spot’ I listened to the end.  I feel better today.

7.30pm – I have been thinking about tone today.  And where your voice comes from.  There’s a great bit on John’s Jonathan Altfeld’s cd that gets you to say a word from your nose / chest / throat / stomach/ mouth etc and listen to and feel the difference.  Its fascinating and fun.  So I finally relaxed to John’s voice and tone last night – which def comes from his chest – it resonates.  Now that I think about it it reminds me of my dad reading us stories as kids and fighting with my sister because we both wanted him to sit on our beds -ofcourse like all good fathers he took it in turns.  But I do remember for me enjoying the resonation of the sound of his voice – funny how things come back to you years later. Anyway – so when my boy had a little strop tonight and the tears rolled like the world was coming to an end I just kept speaking to him really calmly and slowly,  and we ‘cuddled’ away the tiredness .  He’s splat asleep now.  John tomorrow – as always,  thank goodness.  I still feel that parts of me are doing a lot of hard work at the moment each on their own which is good in the sense that I have found comfort in the dissociation,  but I feel a bit stretched. And ofcourse there is the old ‘ I’m not in control’ issue rumbling on.  Ofcourse I am in complete control of how I respond or how I let stuff get to me – but I forget this sometimes.  Thursday……thank goodness.

Thursday 28th July – outstanding. I told John today that I felt like I had had a blood transfusion ( I had one after my boy was born so trust me I know ) after his session.  I walked in saying I felt cr*p.  And after he had worked his magic everything is wonderful.  He is incredible.  I felt the life flow back into me.  Words can’t explain it – however life flowing back in to every part of me will do for now.  And he put a light into my stomach and un knotted it.  And loads of other clever clever stuff.  He’s amazing. Bit I knew that already. The time and care he put into today was priceless. Such an amazing man.

Saturday 30th July – I went round to a friends last night ( with another friend ) for dinner and it was lovely.  They are both close friends – no worrying about what is said or not said – and its always relaxing. I was so tired. I have spent today ‘sat up a tree heavily relaxing.’  Its a great place to be when the world is bring a tad trying.  So I sat there heavily all day.  Hubby and I shopped for our boys Birthday presents today which was perfect and he is so excited about his actual party next week.  This is the first year he has really understood what it is all about – he is 4 this time.  I am absorbed with my ‘big cat’ persona which is a very good distraction from what is difficult times.  I’ll watch and see what happens…… and extend and retract my claws for comfort. My stomach is fine again since John worked his magic. My other distraction today was my website – I am having a real dilhema.  Do I go for a safe traditional professional look or one that is more ‘ me.’  I have a found a great me one that I love.  It’s a bit brave.  I’ll think about it over the weekend.  I do keep coming back to it in my mind and on the site it’s registered with.  We’ll see – if nothing else,  its a distraction and one I’m enjoying. BBQ at a friends tomorrow – my boy asked if he would see a sunset again.  I hope so real life.

Sunday 31st July – I have learned many things from John and one of the strongest has been practice makes perfect.  Well – that’s not what he says.  He says ‘ live it.’  By that – live the therapy your are learning.  Don’t just think about it.  I remember when I was completely hooked so early on in my sessions that he commented that living it for a while – letting it sink in  – had the potential to be just as powerful as the wow moments ( and there were and have been loads ).  Ofcourse he never actually tells you to do anything – the journey is yours .  Which is another one of his many strengths.  Although he has metaphorically ‘hit me over the head with a mallet ‘ on occasions to nudge me ‘ over’ myself.  Sometimes I just can’t see the road ahead for the ‘me’ directly infront.  He’s clever though – you never realise quite what he is doing until he has snuck up behind you and flipped you upside down.  Just to find out that that was where you never knew was exactly where you wanted to be in the first place.  Clever.  and refreshing and fun.

Anyway – so I’ve spent another day sat on a low branch of a strong old tree ‘ being.’  And its more powerful than yesterday.  to rest and ‘be.’  And to actually ‘be’ the image I see in my head – a big cat on a branch of an old tree…..sagging ( perfect ) and resting and being.  It’s incredible.

I got my website design down to a choice of three last night – two of which are bold and brave and the third more traditional.  I’ll see my designer in the week for his advice.  Its so exciting and real – home.  I know I have found my authentic self.  I’m off to sag again for a bit and cook a contribution for tonight.

and – John also says ‘be the change you want to see in the world.’  how perfect is that……….

Tuesday 2nd August – John says ‘ one can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth.  Growth must be chosen again and again,  fear must be overcome again and again.’  He’s so clever and his words have been with me for the past few days at a difficult and trying time.  They are good words and real words and have given me strength and courage and desire.  I have also learned to keep my mouth shut about them – just because they empower me does not mean the ‘world gets it.’  However I do.  And I’m better today.  Still sat heavily on my branch sagging.  Its such a powerful feeling.  I had a good day today and along with a strong meeting with my lovely busines partner I also managed to choose my web site design – I think ( meeting tomorrow with designer for his advice and comment – and am looking at an office tonight.  I’m calmer and strong.  and purring….actually its more of a deep rumble.  I would not be here without John .  I went to sleep last night and listened to Sleep and Pain – I listened for two almost two hours.  John’s tone and words are perfect. They press the reset button.  I still hear stuff that I have not ‘heard’ before. I’ll be there again tonight.

Wednesday 3rd August – I had a very pleasant hour with a neighbour last night as she has a room I can use for my business so I popped over to have a look.  Apart from it being lovely to stop and talk over tea – no alcohol even though she offered – I often feel that I have a very close small circle of friends by choice.  However last night as we were talking it drifted into my mind that actually I know a lot of people and enjoy their company its just that I tend not to call them all the time / see them all the time / go for dinner etc and I know I have definitely put pressure on myself ( pre-John ) by thinking I should ( what a word ! ) call / see / spend time with them more often. And assumed ( another word ! ) that everyone else is not like me in that they do speak / have dinner / see their friends much more so ‘ therefore I am a rotten mate.’  Well actually I have discovered now that I can ‘ see ‘ that some do / some don’t and everyone does their own thing.  There are no hard and fast rules,  no right and wrong.  I am learning to protect myself from myself !! which is often very amusing. When I realise I have reacted like ‘ old me’ pre- John.  Funny.  So – anyway – a lovely evening with a lovely neighbour.  And I’m out for dinner tonight ( again – twice in a week.  unheard of ) with another set of good friends.  AND John tomorrow.  Life is good again ( I guess it always was.  As John says – the sun is always shining you just have to move the clouds ).  I am now hooked on the big cat on a low branch image – its so effective.

Thursday 4th August – outstanding session. It blew me away.  And I felt for the first time today that I actually let go and went with the relaxation.  Usually I am taking mental notes so that I can remember everything afterwards to write in my journal.  Today I couldn’t resist writing four quick notes in my head but the rest of the time it was just my mind and John’s voice.  I was lost and it was amazing.  I have learned to find tunnels in my mind – pink/cerise background and purple tunnels – and when I do find them I race along them round turns and curves never getting to the end but without any fear or worry.  Just running and racing and free.  Its a powerful sensation and thrilling. I’d love to burst out of the end of one after what John said happened to him.  This is just amazing.  And even when I’m racing along the tunnels and focussing so hard on keeping them there,  John’s voice is there too.  Amazing.

Friday 5th August – I took my boy for a picnic today down by the river and then we went to a playground.  There was not a soul there so we lay on our backs and looked at the sky to see what we could see.  The minutes we lay there were so perfect – it is quite amazing what you can see in the sky and also what he thought he could see – like clouds the shape of his head ( apparently ) and then what he thought clouds felt like and so on.  It was such a lovely few moments.  I had a big moment with John yesterday – I just so love all the stuff he is showing me. I get to a point where I think I’ve learned so much and then he says something or tells me a story and another world opens up that I never knew existed.  And one of the biggest things John has given me is time – I can enjoy very simple moments like lying on my back with my boy and they feel like so much more.  Just being.  And not doing.  This has been such a powerful thread in my therapy.  I am really home with this stuff and John’s a great teacher – I’m lucky I met him.  I could have gone to anyone but I found him- at a time when I thought my world was collapsing. Funny how things work out – if the business stuff hadn’t happened I would never have met John and would be a very different person to the one I am now and on a completely different path.  I like the old me – in the end its part of who I am and will be – and I’m very happy with the new me and the path I am walking now.  There is always light in my life – and when there doesn’t seem to be I have John’s tools to use and Thursday mornings.  What a year its been.  I had written myself off completely – too old to retrain in anything etc etc and no time to do it.  John fixed that in one session.  Just wonderful.

Sunday August 7th – I have had a mad busy few days.  We were out last night in London for an annual bbq which meant we did not get home til 12.30am and then I was up at 6 to prepare for our boys 4th Birthday party.  It was just so amazing not to be stressed.  And when I thought I was getting stressed – there was loads to do – I just smiled at myself and said whatever got done got done,  and anything else may be done during the party or not at all.  In the end – he’s 4 and will not notice if the pirate banner didn’t go up or all the balloons.  And I just wore something really comfortable and summery and practical.  And so many people came.  Even people I thought may not because I’d just invited them if they were passing.  It was so perfect.  The weather was great so the bouncy castle was a hit and I had booked the hall and the castle for two hours after everyone else had gone so we had real us time.  We shared with a wonderful friend.  It was perfect in so many ways.  I didn’t get stressed because of this, that and the other – it was a children’s party and just so long as they were having fun it was fine.  In the end parents are adults with tongues in their heads.  It also helped this year that I let people help me.  Usually I ‘ did everything myself.’ This time,  when people asked if they could do something I gave them a job.  And it worked very well indeed.  People said such nice kind things and I have texts already on my phone thanking us for the party.  I’m so pleased to be where I am.  I am so much more internal now. Not in anyones face and just a mum giving her son a party.  So relaxing and such a good place to be.  I will have a glass of wine in a bit which my dad kindly brought down – he has good taste.  My sister did the cake and another friends daughter did one as well – so kind and a lot of fun.  The biggest thing – letting people help.  Interesting.  And receeding rather than prancing round.  What a great journey.

Tuesday 9th August – I spent most of the day doing coursework which is just perfect except I get totally engrossed and absorbed re-reading my text books and consequently my answers are lengthy and they take a lot of time to write.  I really enjoy reading my books and can’t wait to get properly started which should be very soon.  I have to be ready by September 8th as I have a business networking session booked in.  I find it difficult to put into words how much I enjoy this.  I really feel I have found what I want to do – I am deeply interested and fascinated by everything I read and spend my days driving along – John’s idea – talking to myself doing inductions / imagery / visualisations etc. I even listen to the tv and make notes about metaphors I can use. So today was a day for me and I enjoyed it greatly.  And tomorrow will be the same.  My office is piled high with text books and I ordered another one today.  I love buying second hand books as they are so cheap – 1p plus postage today – and seeing other people’s notes is nice.  I like books that have been lived in and handled.  I buy my boys books second hand. I sat in my office with the window open – it is quite amazing how many noises I hear now and smells I smell that I just did not notice before.  I ‘am’ now.  I am much more internally focussed and enjoy the pleasure of being.  I often recall the session I had with John when he did a time line – which was so powerful.  It showed me instantly that there was plenty of time left and it was only up to me to use it.  All that in a 2hour session.  A life change.  Not a quick fix that lasted two weeks – a really profound change. I noticed that John puts that at the top of his website – profound change. How true.  I’m so so lucky to have met him.  And ofcourse the spin offs to my family and friends have been wide ranging.  I’m calmer now and almost totally stress free.  My battery has been recharged and I have an entire tool box of strategies and systems to use when necessary.  He’s amazing.

 Thursday 11th August – yup – Thursday.  Always a wonderful day.  And the business rot finally finished yesterday.  It is lovely to be thinking of other things namely my course and my new business.  I have found premises in a local farm house which is magnificent and has a beautiful walled garden so I can do art therapy as well.  It will be so good to get my paints out again and I know my mum and dad will be pleased.  I had a wonderful session today with John as always.  He is so clever.  Except that I was all relaxed and calm and in a happy place and just at the last minute he suggested that I could refer to my ex business partner by his real name as opposed to the nick name I have been using.  That caught me right off guard and brought tears.  I’m not ready to use his name – I have forgiven him and thanked him in my mind as without this I would never have been where I am now,  and where I am now is a miracle.  A complete rebirth.  But I’m not up to using his name yet.  He and his family used to be very good friends and its a bit too early and emotional to use his name.  It was an intuitive – as always – ‘lets pull the rug away and see what happens’ moment from John.  He’s good at those. Mmmmmm. He’s clever – very clever and can turn a moment or thought round in seconds.  He’s thought provoking for sure which is amazing since it has nearly been a year since I met him and nothing has been repeated.  It was a good session and as always fantastic to stop.  And rest.  and Be.  Perfect………..

Saturday 13th August – Brilliant day yesterday with my boy – mad busy doing stuff and not a drop of stress in sight.  What gets done,  gets done – the rest will wait.  The world will not collapse – it’s such a great way to be able to think.  Just like last week when I was preparing for my boys Birthday.  My hubby used to avoid being in the house  - he never told me til more recently – when anything was being prepared for as my stress levels were too high.  And ofcourse him just disappearing ‘ for no reason’ did  not help.  I smile about that a lot now.  I’m so much more relaxed – in fact,  I’m relaxed and direct.  If something needs to be done I ask – rather than silently hoping someone would offer ( eventhough they more than likely did not know the thing was required ).  Amusing.  So a great day yesterday – I met a mate and she said I looked very calm ( I did remind her that the day before had been Thursday so I was still in my ‘ John’ zone ).  I am relaxed and happy.  and calm.  And excited. And I saw John in the car park which is always funny since it is like seeing teacher out of school.  I never know what to say – I was better this time.  Last time was ridiculous. Anyway – today – yes today – I spent the entire day shopping for stuff for my new office and my boy was brilliant ( hubby was playing golf ).  We trekked round so many second hands shops /warehouses / new retail outlets / markets and sat on so many chairs.  He was so very very good – I’m sure my new calmness helped.  It was great to know I had the entire day to mooch – and I had to remind myself several times there was no hurry and no rush – if I didn’t find stuff today there was still plenty of time.  I allowed myself the pleasure of enjoying the day and it was wonderful and exciting and I managed not to buy everything straight away.  Which was always my temption – I want it now ! kind of thinking. I have managed to buy a lovely old very lived in recliner chair which I could sleep in its so comfy  ( probably not a good idea since clients may fall asleep ) and a great bureau and chest of drawers again second hand.  And some coloured glass stones which I couldn’t resist.  So the room will look old and soft – I hope – with a flash of colour.  And I feel it is me.  I sat in a few chairs that were lovely and ended up opting for the one I liked best.  The old tatty one that swallowed me up – if nothing else I’ll relax. I have a had three great days – every day is great.  And the ‘being’ of today was perfect – I loved and enjoyed every moment and stopped lots of times just to ‘ be.’

Tuesday 16th August – I have had a crazy busy day .  Half of my furniture arrived today and I love it and the rest arrives tomorrow.  And I have been writing and thinking and enjoying – I had forgotten how much I enjoy writing and language.  It’s been a totally absorbing day and one in which I did manage to do a lot of my normal work as well.  I am surrounded at present by course text books and it’s so perfect.  The man from the farm next door where I’m taking my room popped in today and I had a real nuggat moment – He was asking about my art therapy classes which will be in his beautiful walled garden and  as I started to describe them he closed his eyes and they remained closed until I had finished speaking.  I could see his eyes moving under the lids as he was picturing what I was saying.  It was such a great moment – that he felt relaxed enough to do it was amazing – he is so lovely – and then to see his eyes moving as he was thinking was just wonderful.  He was stood at my door leaning on his old ricketty bicycle in overalls thinking about art classes in his garden.  With all ages – I’m getting excited about working with children again (as well as adults ). It is a great time for me right now.

Thursday 18th August – absolutely one of the best days of my life ! I hypnotised – well I prefer to say,  I told John a story – today.  I  have been working on the stories for ages and I really really enjoyed researching them and putting them together and choosing them for John.  I was so nervous and also completely excited.  Nerves won at the beginning and at one point I thought I’d never start however there was no chance of that and John was on his best and most amusing form. I loved doing it and concentrated so hard – I want to do it again so that I can relax more.  I did sneak a few looks at John and it was different to see him with his eyes closed.  He looked calm ( as he always does even with his eyes open ) and as if he was relaxing.  He said there were times when he felt his hairs stand on end – he was smiling when he said it so I guess that’s good.  I know he can make himself do this at will.  He is so interesting.  He was as always so so kind and generous and encouraging.  I’ll do it again .  It was a great experience.  Just to swop chairs was wonderful.  He’s great.  I had a wonderful and exciting and nervous and fantastic day.  I was shaking afterwards.  I love this stuff so much.  I am so lucky to have met John – I could have met anyone and I know I would not be here now.  He is brilliant. I have had a wonderful wonderful day and he put a very large smile on my face all day and a great feeling inside. And his son is going to do my recordings. I anchored a lot of strong emotion today.

Saturday 20th August – on my course and a late blog.  I had such a brilliant day.  A fantastic wonderful day.  It was just like when  I often leave John and am shaking – the rush / adrenaline is incredible.  I was shaking all day.  I was amazed at my physical reaction today .  I was aware of shaking and tyring to control myself all day.  It was just so so good.  I had to shut myself up – I wanted to talk and think and talk and talk.  Everything I have read floods back and I want to share my excitement and questions.  I have to calm myself down.  It has been a powerful day.  And I dropped my friend into a trance and she just didn’t want to come out.  I drew her out eventually carefully and slowly and watched her come back to herself – she is so good for my confidence.  Amazing and brilliant and I love this stuff.  I love it so much.  Thankyou John

Sunday 21st August – Another brilliant day on my course.  I was in the hotel and reading by 8.20am and it doesn’t start until 10am.  I am aware almost all the time of a vibration of excitement running through me.  I feel authentic and safe and home – and I spend the entire day with me exploring where I want to be and ‘am.’  The rest of the group are really great and the tutor is very amusing – he’s a good teacher and we’re all absorbed. And no-one minds contributing – its a good dymanic – there is no right and wrong.  The day thankfully passes slowly ( John has taught me to slow time down ) and I enjoy every single minute.  I had a session of hypnosis from one of the group today and took myself to a very good place indeed and the tutor gave me a session to address my phobia about giving blood.  He really drilled it down to specifics and I was talking to him throughout – and I used the session with my friend to back it up – I now have a ‘tube’ running from my right thumb to my stomach and onto my left elbow ( entry point for taking the blood ) and then round in a big loop via two stylised people who are holding hands and the tube.  So there is a circle of supply and demand.  And the sensation is all in my stomach now – which John has taught me to control very well – and as soon as I was aware of the sensation moving to my stomach I immediately felt better about it.  It feels huge and red / back and warm in a good way – as opposed to hot and uncomfortable in my face and thumb which it was before.  So I’m intending to give blood on Thursday when I would normally have been seeing John – the only thing that will stop me is if I can’t make the times.  I’ll check tomorrow on the website.  Do things out of fascination – Bandler – I intend to……….. when I do this it will be a real achievement. I also realised today that my phobia is with pricking my thumb – something I have Never done – so , how strange,  I have got myself all worked up about something I have never done ! I’m writing scripts all day tomorrow before recording with John’s son on tuesday – this is great !!!

Tuesday 23rd August – John’s son came round today to do my recordings with me. He was exactly as I thought he would be. He is so lovely and professional. We had a lot of fun and he made it all very natural although I was a tad nervous.  He made it easy and I’ll do some more.  I was so keen just to get the tracks cut I did them in almost one take and I’m sure there will be stuff  I could have done better however I just want to get them done so that I can start working officially on the 8th September.  I’m working all day tomorrow on my website.  My head is buzzing.  I have had such a good day and John’s son had sourced me some perfect music.  I have also done a brave thing – I have booked to give blood on Thursday.  I feel absolutely fine about it.  I have worked hard with myself on this and my tutor on the course has used me as a demo in class twice to work with my phobia.  Sundays session was amazing.  He really drilled it down.  And I spent my last session with one of my course friends reinforcing his work.  So I’m totally ready.  When I joined the course in January we had to say what we wanted to get out of it and one of the things I said was to be able to give blood – as a challenge to myself since I had a phobia and will be working with people with phobias.  So thought it good to go through the process myself.  I actually got quite impatient today when they could not find me a slot – how fascinating is that.  I actually became ‘stressed ( not that I get stresssed anymore ) that I may not get to give blood.  Something I would never have done in the past and when they had to give me a transfusion after my boy was born I cried and begged them not to do it.  It’s a good thing to do on Thursday when I would normally have been seeing John. Its been a great day.

Wednesday 24th August – I drove to my new premises today as the carpet was being fitted and had such a lovely experience.  I work from home normally and generally there is only me in the house and I know that when I first started working for myself at home it took me a few weeks to realise why I felt a bit tense / strange / I just didn’t know what the feeling was but there was definitely a feeling.  It was only when I decided to join  a morning networking group – to generate business – that I found out what the feeling was : I was missing people ! company.  And just joining that group of people and having a chat one morning a week about business stuff ( plus the spin offs it created ) was so good.  And necessary.  So – when I turned into my new premises today there were about 10 cars parked on the drive and I went straight back to my networking days in my mind.  It was wonderful to see people and life and work and activity – and to know I am going to become part of it.  I know most of the people there but there are also some units rented out to people I don’t know.  Cars I don’t know and I had to  resist the temptation to knock on their doors and say hi.  It was such an instant and good feeling. I anchored it.  I popped back again later in the afternoon to sort something else out.  It was really really great.  And it was a sunny day.  The rest of my day I spent uploading content onto my website which I totally loved doing.  It took ages and it was hard however I loved it – and I am doing it again tomorrow and Friday.  Plus – I’m giving blood tomorrow.  I had a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that they may not let me donate as I use an inhaler every now and again for my asthma and finally rang them just to confirm.  It is amazing that inside I was really hoping they would say it was ok.  Testing this phobia is fascinating and its going to be my first blog on my website.  I’m actually excited about tomorrow. I’ll miss John very much indeed – however I’m sure he will approve of what I am doing instead.

Thursday 25th August – I am gutted. I did suspect last night that I was coming down with a urine infection but I drank loads and hoped it would go away.  It did not and I was at the doctors this morning which lead to anti biotics and no blood donation not just today but for nearly a month as you have to be clear from the antibiotics for a set number of days before you can donate.  The only up side was the level of frustration I felt and actually that I felt like stabbing myself with  a needle just to prove I could !! which was a fascinating response.  I was so disappointed. I guese testing my new point of view with regards to needles / blood etc became very important indeed.  I’m pleaseed as I know I can do it,  but disappointed I have to wait.  It made it yet another interesting day – my days are always interesting now.  And I spent all day on my website which is really coming together now.  I’m feeling an identity.  And I worked so so hard today.  It was great and I love it.  Dashing now so no time to spell check – who cares ?!!! not me.

Friday 26th August – I have had such a busy day working on my content for my website.  I enjoy it so much.  I’m ploughing through all my homeword and notes and clippings and reference books and it is absorbing.  The hours fly by – there are not enough hours in the day.  I’m off to my mum and dad’s tomorrow over night with my boy – we are leaving hubby at home to chill ( he has been working flat out ). So no blog tomorrow.  It is going to be hard work not to talk non-stop about what I’m doing and how excited I am.  Ofcourse I think the entire world is as excited as I am about it. I had more ideas today for what I can offer from the venue since it is a bed and breakfast as well as a farm and my new office.  I get carried away.  I’m looking forward so much to tomorrow.  Just getting in the car and driving will be fun and to stop at mum and dads and see my sister as well will be great.  And they will fuss my boy.  I am Being and Doing right now……and it’s a good place to be.  John taught me that.

Wednesday 31st August – no blog for ages ( in my terms ).  See what happens when ‘his Lordship’ goes away.  Everything falls apart. I have been very very busy working on my website / running the house / working on my normal business / remembering Birthdays and so on.  I’m so excited about my website and there are just not enough hours in the day to do stuff for it.  I worked with a client today which was great – only on the telephone as a favour for my sister however it was real.  Someone who I did not know at all.  She’s calling me next week to catch up on her progress.  Its amazing what you hear when you are listening – that should be my quote for the day.  I wrote a lot of notes whilst she was talking and it was fascinating to listen and really begin to hear what and how people are talking.  I had left myself a lot of notes to remind myself to listen for information.  I guess in this sense its easier on the telephone as first contact other wise I’d be writing whilst sitting with her which may be distracting.  We’ll see.  So it has been another good day.  My boy left nursery today which was good and sad at the same time – it has been perfect for him.  He starts school on Monday and thankfully is excited.  They too have been very good.  so -thought for the day – its amazing what you hear when you listen.  I’ll miss John tomorrow again.  I can’t do anything relevant tomorrow as my boy is with me so I’m going to have a lovely day with him getting ready for school – actually,  thats a perfect way to spend a missed John appointment – real life oh – my art therapy book arrived a few days ago.  It is brilliant.

Thursday 1st September – Today was so relaxing .  The sun was incredible.  I had a lot to do today and I now have such control over my emotions that whenever I become aware that I feel tension anywhere I stop and rest – just for a moment.  And everything relaxes and resets.  John has a great saying – reset to neutral.  It works.  I got everything done in a perfect way – no stress and plenty of moments that were enjoyed.  Uniform final bits for my boy,  shoes,  and so on. Even something as simple as sharing lunch is special.  Very treasured moments. My web man took some photos for my website a few days ago which I didn’t like ( not his fault – I just could have looked better ).  So I got a friend in the sunshine today to take some other photos which all turned out fine.  No make-up today whereas I had worn it specifically for the other photos.  It is interesting because I rarely wear makeup now and the photos today were an authentic me.  How clever John is.  So I’ll upload them over the weekend. Big week next week and plenty of work to do yet – but hey,  what gets done , gets done…..what doesn’t, doesn’t…………..beautiful……and ofcourse the day was finished with a quick thought from John,  which was good indeed………..

Friday 2nd September – another gorgeous day. I took my boy for a picnic this afternoon and then we picked blackberries for dinner which we both enjoyed.  I re-charged my anchor so many times today.  At one point we were stood between three ancient trees with the sun streaming through them and it was incredible.  So powerful.  And I had a fascinating time am in Tescos.  I was rummaging round the bargain shelf with another lady who almost immediately said to me ‘ they think we are scavengers,  don’t they….’ which I just thought was priceless.  such an interesting comment and within 5 seconds of me joining her at the shelf.  I said that I had no interest in what other people may or may not say or think and rather prefered the fun of getting a bargain.  Which I did  – 6 scented candles at 1/3 the normal price and room fragrancer – I use so many candles at home.  They must cost me a fortune over the year.  I love them.  We had a very amusing chat – me and my lady rummager – and did not leave until we were completely sure we had turned the entire shelf over for ‘treasure.’  It was amusing – she was lovely.  I used to be such an external person despite all my assertions to myself that I was so confident and did not give two hoots to what people said / thought.  John identified the conflict in session one – which stopped me in my tracks.  Even a tutor recently when we did a test balked at my result – he thought I was an extrovert / confident etc external person.  The discussion was fun afterwards.  So a good day – and my anchor is fully charged.

Tuesday 6th September – I have just looked at the last time I wrote – this is unheard of.  Such a long time.  See – thats what happens wheh ‘ he’ goes away.  Anyway – I have had just the best of days.  My life is everywhere at the moment.  New schol for my boy,  new hours,  new routines, new requirements ( food technology tomorrow !!!??!! he is 4 ! ) actually I’m impressed. And – AND – I spent all day on my website.  AND – yesy I am proper pleased with myself – I am uploading content myself.  Flippin eck I’ll be doing pictures and graphics next.  Mmmm – we’ll see.  It has to be ready by end of tomorrow as I have a presentation Thursday.  My room is ready.  I am working with clients. Life is spectacular – a tad busy and there are not enough hours- however life is just where I never hoped in my wildest dreams it could be.  Thank You John.  Thank You so so much.  See you Friday – can’t wait

Friday September 9th – thank goodness.  John is back.  I feel like he / we pressed the reset button today.  When he told me his story I just dropped so deep and let go completely.  I made no effort to listen to his words and there was nothing active in my involvement which has been rare in the past.  In fact I think it has only happened recently and only once.  There were times when I lost what John was saying and simply felt his words and tone.  He’s amazing.  I was so looking forward to stopping and Being. Just to rest and clear my mind.  And he caught my attention perfectly and magically and instantly – he knows how I tick by now.  I was immersed and absorbed immediately. My body and mind felt like they had  – well,  its impossible to describe…..Being is the best word – just to Be for a while and its wonderful.  Nothing and nobody wanting anything as John says.

We had enjoyed some good  banter at my expense before he told me his story and of course he is so clever and wise.  I was burbling on about having had a tough week – nice tough,  just a lot going on and a lot of balls in the air – and that I had given in to having a glass of wine a night and he said it was because I was under stress.  I challenged him – never wise at all, you’ll lose every time – and said that I did not get stressed anymore.  He then proceeded to break down my emotionss of whrilwind excitement,  an all or nothing approach to things I choose to apply it to,  my own words that I found the deadline setting I gave myself as exciting and absorbing and exhilarating and so on …..but not stressful.  Until it all became very clear that an all or nothing approach is in itself stressful since why am I adopting that policy ??? well,  clearly it all goes back to my desire to be the best at things I apply myself to.  Why ? ……For recognition and attention ( external locus of control ) of course.  Which is so flawed and frought with danger.  Why not strive less and be content with less extremes – since the mountains I truly think I enjoy climbing that I have set myself are indeed extremes.  All or nothing – like my website.  I spent hour and hours on it by choice…… and the target I set myself was way up high.  And I still only see it as scratching the surface of what I want to site to look like.  Its for me the least I could have produced to allow myself to take it ‘ live.’  And – as John pointed out to me and I have never noticed – the endorphine rush when a thing is achieved is incredible for me – a real wave of good feeling everywhere.  But what are the true reasons behind my target – me…..only…or that I want others to see it and be impressed / like it / say good things about it to me and so on….mmmmmm,  plenty of thought all day on that and an entry in my journal for my course.  So – John is a clever man.  So intuitive…and I should know better than to challenge him.  He has done this so often – just when I think I’m getting to grips with this stuff he shows me that actually I have just reached base camp.  In a lovely way – of course.  He pushes you when he knows you are ready to jump and lets you find the ledge you want to rest on for a while to view the new landscape.  A great day – much thinking and such a perfect relaxation.  I’ll sleep well as always tonight.

And – finally – I went to meet the teachers at school today with not a stitch of make up on.  I impressed myself. All good – all very very good indeed……

Saturday September 10th – I’ve given up drinking for a month and I feel great already.  Even if I only have one glass of wine a night I can feel it the next morning and I much prefer the feeling I have now and yesterday.  I feel fresh and clear and relaxed.  And my skin  looks so much better.  I gave up caffeine in January – or around then – just to see how it felt – and have not returned to it.  I have the odd coffee with it in if I know someone is offering ( or has presented me with a coffee ) me one but by choice I have not returned to it.  It made me feel congested.  So no alcohol and no caffeine and a session from John on Friday has pressed a magical re-set button.  My office and the house is cluttered with piles of stuff to do – and I am merely accepting it.  My life is very very busy right now and for a while the piles will have to remain.  I could not have been this relaxed about the ‘ mess ‘ a year ago.  I feel calm today and safe…….and home.

Sunday September 11th – How many times have I started my blog ‘ One of the most important things that John has taught me……?’  well,  quite a few I’m sure. And today was one of those reminders.  I went to a childrens party at a local animal farm and it was perfect – we all know eachother very well and it was easy and safe and relaxing and good.  There were many points throughout the day that I re-charged my anchor with the good feelings of the day.  And there were instances because there was no time limit on the party that I found myself just for a split second looking at my watch and working out time frames – here at this time,  there by then etc only to immediately become aware that old me had hooked my attention.  I was always going somewhere or doing something even when there was nothing very much to do.  I was always racing out of where I was towards where I was heading.  Now – I’m different.  I enjoy the moment – there are very rarely deadlines that have to be totally adhered to ( school start time being one of them ) and it was so powerful today as it has been so often over the last year since meeting John to be aware that something has hooked my attention and to smile at myself and say ‘ thanks,  but no thanks – I’m enjoying ‘Being’ right now so I have no intention of spoiling the moment by planning my next move.’  I sat /  stood /  walked and enjoyed the moments and there were many today. And it is great not to feel I have to talk.  I am now completely happy not talking at all – and that must be quite relaxing for my friends since I was pretty full on prior to John.  The sunshine was good today and being outside perfect – there were so many good moments to be enjoyed and to ‘ be with’  and at times it was good just to close my eyes and ‘ be.’

So it was a Being day.  Its good to stop and refuel and today was one of those days. One of the best tools John has given me – to ‘ Be.’

Perfect…….

Monday 12th September – I had a change around of work content today in my office.  For 10 days my office has been high with hypnotherapy stuff and my website,  today I had to sweep it all aside and work on my other business ( that pays the bills ).  It takes energy to swop and change – businesses / the home / school stuff / social life etc however I have realised that when I am busy things tend to get put into very specific boxes and worked through until the end unless an emergency comes up elsewhere.  And when I get to the end of a period of absorption – like lauching the website or sorting my office today I do experience a rush.  I had never thought about it like this until ofcourse John nudged me into finding it out ‘ all by myself ‘ last week when I was with him.  I do get a rush of ‘ well done / you did it / pat myself heartily on the back ‘ sensations – endorphins I guess – which is probably why I have rarely missed a target or failed to complete something.  Fascinating. A truth I never knew about myself.  I also worked out today that life is better if you do stuff rather than try to do it – that takes less energy as well.  And that you can’t fix people,  you can only make them aware of stuff and if they choose to adopt it effectively then they fix themselves.  Which is surely good.

So in between a very busy work day I have enjoyed therapy thoughts. And I am in the middle of a very thought provoking book at the moment that it challenging my critical analysis skills – just because a book says something is true – is it ?  good question.  I’m enjoying the read. And – finally  – no drink since last Thursday and I feel great.

Tuesday 13th September – I spent most of the day on my normal work and then two hours on the phone to a very good friend who is struggling at the moment.  She asked if I could help her over the phone as she will not take mediation and will not see anyone and trusts me.  I have realised that for me whilst I thought working on the phone would be almost impossible actually the fact that I can spread out a large sheet of paper infront of me and take frantic notes really helps me to think – and gives me stuff to refer back to throughout the conversation that is precise and also for reference week by week.  And she had planned for today and written notes which she read to me so I feel we are getting somewhere.  If nothing else she is looking forward to our calls and we are putting markers in place – things she can work towards or at least a process she can go through and choose to re-work herself if she so wishes.  Its quite fascinating.  I am so glad I am not drinking – it took a lot of mental power to be constructive and listen and think and try not to lead ( which I very much need to work on – my temptation is to lead still ).  We did a visualisation at the end and I had no idea how it would go over the phone and it was interesting.  I ended up having to close my eyes so that I could really listen to what she was saying and ‘see what she was seeing’ which was such a natural response and one I would not have anticipated.  It took a lot longer than I thought as she was having trouble ‘seeing’ stuff and we had to rummage round a bit until she found focus and then it started to roll. I know we achieved something because of stuff she said that reframed the same stuff we had talked about early in the telephone call – she was seeing stuff from a different point of view.  Bandaging it up rather than resenting it and being all consumed by it.  I loved her use of the word bandage.  We’ll talk again next week. I felt like I had really worked my brain today and searched in it for questions – the actual mental process is absorbing and compulsive.  I love this stuff.  John tomorrow – can’t wait.  So good to stop for a while.

Wednesday 14^th September – I am booked in to donate blood the last week in  September and am very much looking forward to it.  In fact I am excited about it.  The new feeling that I have towards needles / blood / medical detritus is amazing.  I could barely even look at the sign to donate blood before as it triggered my stress response.  Now – I am frustrated by the wait. I so want to test my new perspective and until today it was all going well and I was heartily patting myself on the back.  And it was having great spin offs to other phobic reactions like spiders which I suddenly became aware that I was not affected in the same way by them anymore.

However……. I saw John today and I was excitedly telling him about this and he – as always – listened patiently and quietly the way he always does until he was completely sure I had got all my enthusiasm out of my system,  then he waited just a few seconds more,  then opened his drawer and took out a needle and lighter ( to clean it ),  drew his chair closer to mine and proceeded to talk and prick his own finger at the same time drawing blood.  He said that it’s all very well feeling and believing that something is ‘ fixed ’ however it’s always a good idea to test it.  Which is what I was going to do by giving blood however my reaction to him pricking his own finger went straight back to my original phobic response and there was no way at all that I could have done what he was doing.  He did it twice ( show off ! ) and continued to poke around it whilst we were speaking amusing himself by my uncomfortable response.

Funny that whilst he was poking round the outside of his finger that was fine,  but the finger pad was not good at all.  I knew that perhaps I still had a weak point there however had decided to dissociate myself when they did the pin prick at the blood centre much in the same way that I can now do with injections etc.

Also interesting was that the feeling went straight to my stomach – which is where I moved it to when I was having my fast phobia cure on my course.  I feel very much in control of my stomach.  As soon as the phobic response went there I felt in control of it to the point that I am still happy to give blood so it was a good test.  I now know I’m going to have to work on the dissociation between now and the end of September to make sure I don’t ‘ run out of the centre ’ as John put it.  So – the point being – it is important to test new perspectives and practise them. I re-charge my anchors daily and use therapeutic tools as and when necessary so I am constantly improving the power and strength of them. This one is a new one that I’m going to have to deepen and work on.  He says we will do some more work next week – he’s got a long way to go before I prick my own finger.  He says it’s the fear that stops me doing it – you don’t say ?!! however,  lots of people can and do do it.  I’ll let you know how I go on next week with John. It was  – as always – a brilliant and inspiring session.

Thursday 15th September – I have had a brilliant and inspiring and exciting day.  I have been speaking to clients and thinking – really thinking hard.  I love the mental process and the movement of the information in my head.  Its like that film minority report with Tom Cruise.  The board with all the info on it being pulled up and moved about and then new bits being retrieved and worked with and then stuff being deleted or moved to the side.  My head is buzzing.  Its incredible.  I’m off to read some more stuff now.  I cant get enough of it.

 Saturday 17th September – off to theatre tonight.  we so rarely go out – by choice – in the evening and I am so looking forward to this.  It is a play I have been wanting to see for two years which is tourings so we are off to Coventry for the evening.  The play has become a cornerstone of my personal philosophy in my work ( therapy ).  I also spent the day realising that I am not longer aprehensive about the blood donor place pricking my finger since John has now made me much more conscious of a bigger option – to prick my own finger.  Which is a no no.  So someone else pricking it seems fine.  It is like doing a nursery slope the first time I went skiing and thinking it was hard and scary,  unitl we did the next grade up the next day.  Then suddenly the nursery slope was a breeze.  Fascinating.  Dashing now – looking forward to lovely evening. no time to spell check – hey ? !! like I care !

Sunday 18th September – quickie as on way out again to friends daughters engagement.  We went to Church today for the Harvest Festival and then on afterwards for harvest lunch.  Which was lovely and ended with an auction of the vegetables and fruit for a local charity.  I was fascinated by how wnxious I started to feel when bidding ( or rather a lull in the bidding happened ).  I talked my way though it and had a very interesting conversation with my body – anyone watching would def have wondered what I was thinking and smiling about.  Really interesting.  I ended up with some eggs,  carrots and two squash.  And no pressure or tension.  Fascinating – really fascinating ……

Monday 20th September – I spent most of the day putting finishing touches to my new office then sat in it and totally relaxed.  I could have sat there all day.  It felt good and home and safe and ‘me.’  Someone – a friend – commented today that my website should be written in the third person……..how lovely it was to be able to thank them for their opinion and simply say that everything about my practice and my office and my therapy has been done because it feels like me to me.  Completey honest and congruent – authentic.  I was not bothered at all by their comment – which they were quite insistant about.  I am me and this is me and I am happy with me.  John has given me a great place to live.  I am in a very very good place.

Tuesday 20th September – John gave me a wonderful quote ‘ Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail……………’  I feel totally ‘in’ this quote now and have done for about a month.  I never knew I was working towards it however when John sent it to me – like with many things he does and says – his timing was perfect.  He sent it to me on 4th August this year. I feel I have found / am finding the authentic me.  I have found my home and a safe place and a good place to be.  Authentic.  Congruent. Peaceful.  John said when we first met that it takes about 4 months to re-charge your inner battery – I’m a year into therapy now and my battery is fully charged with ‘me.’  A very internal focus.  I never knew these feelings existed.  I found myself today – as I do often – standing in the rain by choice with my eyes closed listening to it fall on leaves and stone and wood and ‘ being’ with it.  I re-charge my anchor with these moments and they serve me well.  I smile a lot.  And I ‘ be ‘ a lot.  It’s wonderful.  Even bad things are good – I ‘lean’ into them.  It’s so effective since the alternative is fear and to run.  I’m not running anymore and I’m not afraid anymore. I’m a different person and the same person……I guess I have grown a lot in a year. Clever clever and gentle man.

Thursday 22nd September – quickie tonight as its late and I haven’t eaten yet.  I have had a wonderful day.  I saw a client this morning which showed me how much I feel at home with this stuff.  I could do it 24/7.  It feels perfect.  I stayed afterwards in my room as it felt so good – really me.  Everything about it is about me and it feels authentic and true.  Really honest. It feels like a second skin.  And I had a network meeting this morning and I so love introducing myself as a clinical hypnotherapist.  I’m home….I’m really really home.  John tomorrow – even better.

Friday 23rd September – I had an exceptionally powerful session with John today.  He put the final piece of a jigsaw in today to a puzzle that I have been curious over,  absorbed with,  preoccupied with ( definitely ),  driven by,  and have felt running through my most deepest instincts for all of my formative years.  And he solved the puzzle today and its been with me all day and will be with me forever.  He’s so intuitive.  I struggle to find words for today so I’m not going to.  It’s mine anyway – this one especially.  On my course tomorrow life is good.

Monday 26th September – I had a brilliant weekend.  I got to the hotel before 8 each day and read for at least an hour before anyone else arrived and then the course was just wonderful.  I buzz with complete absorption and excitement all day and at times it gets uncontrollable.  I have to make myself shut up and be quiet.  I am in danger of getting carried away.  I so want to do this 24/7.  It feels good and so close to me.  There were a lot of practicals this weekend which was challenging and rewarding.  There were plenty of endorphins floating round my body for sure.  It’s great.  And I had a wonderful time.  I feel it running through my body now.  Really really strong and good and safe.  And I’m so calm – my battery is fully charged and I’m calm.  I’m in a very very good place. It does make me smile to hear myself talking about not being stressed at all and then hearing John’s voice reminding me about the whirl wind that is actually racing round inside me – especially this weekend and now.  He’s not wrong and I suspect there is a ‘part’ of me that is feeding on it – In fact I know there is a part of me that is feeding on it.  Is it thriving on it – mmmmmm,  now there’s a question ……………..

Tuesday 27th September – two things happened to me today which made me smile.  The first was that I wrote an address on an envelope and initially didn’t dot an i – I was aware of my instinctive reaction immediately of urgency to dot the i,  and then a slight feeling in my tummy ( nothing major ) but nevertheless a feeling in my tummy of uncomfortableness.  I smiled at myself and the internal dialogue was amusing .  On principal I did not let myself dot the i – it went in the post ‘ undotted’ with my ( and my health’s )blessing.  The other was when I went to collected my boy from school today.  Another parent joined me on the walk to the classroom and immediately asked how my boy – by name – was settling in. My knee jerk reaction was uncomfortable as I could neither remember her name nor even what her child looked like.  Whilst we were chatting I was having an entire other conversation in my head which had me saying ( in my head ) to her ‘ I am so terrible with names,  please forgive me – what’s your name and who is your little girl / boy ‘ and then another voice chastising me for being so rubbish as to not even recall what sex her child was.  This all amused me greatly and I said nothing at all about it – in the end I could not remember her name or her childs – who cares ..? And I am far from bad with names infact I am very good at remembering names as I practise for fun.  So clearly when I met her a few weeks ago I did not commit her details to my memory.  And that’s that.  nothing more,  nothing less.  How very relaxing indeed.  And it was a lovely sunny day and I spent the day half on business stuff and half on my hypnotherapy stuff.  I have an entire day of it tomorrow – John in the morning ( perfect ) and a networking lunch at what looks to be a very good italian restaurant as an invitation from a friend.  And I’m working tonight on some client stuff.  It’s been an amusing and good day.  John tomorrow – always always good. And – finally – I am booked in to donate blood on Thursday

Wednesday 28th September – I had a great session with John today.  He does remind me of when I used to teach – moving round furniture always provoked interesting responses both from myself and the kids.  Kind of freshens things up / puts a different perspective on things and so on.  So John was sat right next to me rather than infront today and the chair moved round 90 degrees which made me want to act like a naughty child in class just for fun – a compensatory response to divert attention from the fact that it actually destabilised me ( not in a bad or uncomfortable way ) for a few interesting moments.  Ofcourse there’s none of that with John and he dropped straight into a very traditional induction and some work ( an issue I asked if he could resolve last night ).  He resolved it perfectly – he’s so subtle.  And direct when necessary.  The experience was wonderful – so clever.  And then I went to a networking lunch and told many people I am a clinical hypnotherapist which just feels so so good and authentic and makes me very happy and proud and safe and like I’m ‘ home.’   It makes me smile inside.  I was approached to work with someone and they have booked an appointment which I was very pleased about and I sat with a lady from a local cancer hospice and will go and meet her and her team next week.  It was a good day – I’m so lucky.

   Monday 3^rd October : I went to give blood last Thursday at the local community centre and I was actually very excited indeed.  I have gone from not being able to look at the vinyl sign advertising the various donation sessions without feeling sick and uncomfortable to ‘ bring it on.’  When I had to re-book my session 6 weeks ago because of a urine infection I was so disappointed and have been fascinated by my complete change in point of view.  I have worked hard on my phobia and finally being able to prick my own finger following a very powerful session with John was the last piece in the jigsaw.  He had challenged me to do this as he suggested that merely dissociating myself when they ‘ prick your finger ’ onto some beach somewhere was still avoiding a part of the issue.  So I went into the hall and made myself look at all the various medical detritus and found myself filled with admiration that I could look at it and be fascinated by what it all did and could do.  I was completely fine until they gave me a brochure to read full of what if’s and side effects and asked that I drink at least a pint of water.  As I started to read their booklet I felt my phobia response creeping back – feeling sick,  clammy,  uncomfortable,  like my skin was cooling and no longer my own and a general desire to run out of the hall asap.  I talked myself round and used all my therapeutic tools – the continuous cycle of a blood filled tube connecting my right hand thumb prick to my stomach to a line of two red cartoon people holding hands and then back again to my right thumb was again very powerful.  I control emotions in my stomach and once I ‘move them’ there I know I can control them.

So the cycle of blood out from me to help other people and back to me again is very strong indeed.  Especially as I had a blood transfusion after the birth of my boy.  The connection is poinient. Also leaning into the ‘ fear and strong emotion’ as opposed to running away and hiding from it ( dissociating to a beach and so on ) is equally strong and vital to my control over the emotion.  I managed to gain control of my emotions after a few minutes and was aware of a release of ‘ well done you / endorphins ’ when I found myself smiling ( did you know that simply smiling releases endorphins ).  The process had been exceptionally conscious and deliberate and I had walked my way through every stage. I guess it will become less conscious as I practise – like any new learned thing.  Everything was going very well indeed until they called me over to the nurse who went through my questionnaire with me and then informed me that as I had had a blood transfusion I could never give blood – well not for 5-10 years anyway.  I was so so disappointed. I had to stop myself bursting into tears.

What has been so interesting has been change from complete fear to ‘bring it on ’ ( which is one of John’s phrases ) and the effect that it has had on other things in my life.  I am not a great fan of spiders and certainly do not kill them however a somewhat large one decided to grace me with its presence a few weeks ago and I immediately noticed that my response was far less than previous.  I was almost oblivious to it and this has been the same for other things.  So working with one phobia has affected others.  And even though I was so upset about not being able to give blood and ‘test’ my new state the process of coping with the disappointment in itself was valuable.  How many times do we plan to do something and then it does not happen…?  that’s life.  Being relaxed about the ‘ not happening ’ and focusing as much on the process as the end result ( or not as the case may be ) has a life lesson.  Very interesting indeed.  Not sure what my next challenge will be – I’m thinking.

Thursday 6th October – I went to a networking event this morning however today was an open meeting so there were a lot of people there some of which I have not seen for four years.  I found myself in my head trying to think of reasons to explain why I had changed my career path however in reality simply talking about what I was doing ‘ now.’  It is amazing how many people I have met in the last four weeks -since getting back into networking – who have changed careers.  Probably 50%.  And we’re all smiling – yes its tough out there – however we’re all smiling.  How wonderful to be able to move and change and grow and not get stuck.  It took a giant sledge hammer to move me,  but I’m here in the end It’s great to say ‘I’m a clinical hypnotherapist.’ I love it.  I used to be known for my ‘props’ when I last did a lot of networking and Ihave not changed my style.  I took in a very large weed today and talked about symptoms / causes and secondary gain.  I enjoyed it.  As John says – walk where there is no path and leave a trail………….  And I met some very good new people today – connections.  I like connections.

Sunday 9th October – We were at a very amusing and loud and busy family gathering last night with all the best people and there are some very clever whitted members of the family.  It was a lot of fun and the children all ran round until 9.30pm when we all decided it was time to bail and head for home.  I did allow myself the pleasure of one conversation about my hypnotherapy which got to a point where the person involved said food made her feel happy.  When I asked her what happy meant she was toally stumped and could not anwer the question at all.  Then I could tell she was getting resistant as she started saying it was ‘ pink and yellow and nice…and glad…..’ with a somewhat large smirk on her face.  She is a bright and intelligent and funny girl and she had ‘ dropped her barriers firmly down’ when she had started to consider what happy meant in the context of food for her.  It has provoked thoughts in me all day and she has texted me twice.  I also went to a childrens party today and the mum came straight up to me and said ‘ you are the hypontherapist/ psychotherapist lady aren’t you….I’ve seen your website……’ and she then proceeded to say she had read it and we had 10 mins of enthusiastic chat.  I was so so proud and bursting with good feelings.  It was a good job she kept talking as for once I was lost for words.  Its been a great day.

Monday 10th October – I have spent the day juggling a lot of balls in the air and part of it was preparing for clients for this week which I get completely absorbed in.  I have to do deals with myself to make me do other work and then as a reward for completing that work I get to spend the rest of my time preparing for clients which I just totally love.  The mental processes involved are great as I am still very much at a ‘ conscious,  learning and thinking and using what I have learned and my experience so far ‘ stage.  So everything is a construction and is deliberate.  I also have a lot of homework to catch up on which I have promised myself I will allow myself to start on Thursday.  I’ve looked at the questions and I can’t wait to start.  I know what will happen – I’ve been through it with John before but I was not aware of it until he drew my attention to it ( ofcourse ).  I set myself a goal of finishing it by a certain date and then totally focus on it until it is handed in.  It’s like a whirlwind of frantic activity and brain work and thinking and late nights because I can’t put my ‘pen’ down and stolen moments pinched at weekends.  Then when its over the endorphine rush is incredible……so so powerful.  Just writing it makes me hungry.  I do wish I could do this 24/7 however in the meantime I’ll enjoy the ride………

Thursday October 13th – I have had two great days in my hypnotherapy work.  They have been fascinating.  Working with real people and seeing the change in them and their curiosity and sharing information and ideas together is a wonderful place to be.  I am so enjoying the planning and shaping of the sessions and also the fact that everyone is different.  And the fact that I have to be on the ball all of the time – I am using my brain and it feels as if its sparking off all over the place.  And I have learned that there is always time to think before speaking.  I remember John – and he still does it now – used to pause sometimes for quite a while and look down and think before saying something – always something wise and brilliant and sharp. I used to almost see the cogs turning in his head. This active thinking is great.  And it is all around the session not just at the time of the session.  I think about this stuff 24/7 and when I’m not thinking I’m reading about it.  I feel like I am buzzing all over.  I never got to my homework today – I’ll start tomorrow.  Its been a good day. And when it has been getting a bit hairy because of all the balls I am juggling in the air I just use John’s tool – I re-set to neutral for a while until my insides become still.  Then when I’m sure they are still we move gently into first.  Its so gentle because I have to be cautious not to wake the resting ‘excitements’ in my head. Or else they’ll be off again being exciting – great,  who cares.  I’m enjoying this ride very much indeed. I’m missing my John fix though.

Monday 17th October – I am so missing my John fix.  I did have a lovely day today though and it is so so much easier now with my new ways of thinking.  John said it would take at least 4 months to recharge my inner battery and I know what he means.  I have known thank goodness for some time now. Just to enjoy the simply pleasure of a comment from my boy or a moment,  and to be able to look at a day that seems to be full of stuff to do and know that I’ll do it in my time in a healthy way rather than racing headlong through it watching the clock and stressing until the end of the day when I used to then ‘reward’ myself with far too much wine.  Such a different way of life now.  So much calmer and pleasurable and full of ‘time’ which John has truly given me the understanding to enjoy and savour.  And so much of what I do is unconscious competance. I great achievement and place to be.  I am looking forward to sharing news and stuff with John soon.

Thursday 20th October – I have had a crazy few days.  I’ve not been well – just a cold and cough  and sore throat,  however I’m never unwell.  I have a great immune system.  So to be poorly is not good.  And its been a bit frantic as I have been trying ( note use of the word ‘trying’ ) to work but my boy is on half term break and with being poorly as well its not been terribly productive.  So I decided to stop trying and give up working today and spend some quality time with my boy which was perfect.  It has been such a lovely day and we went out early all wrapped up and did a load of birthday shopping for various people in Buckingham and treated ourselves to lunch.  We bumped into several friends and fed the ducks – which is always a real moment as my boy loves feeding them and they eat out of his hands.  Or rather – as today – they flock round him and peck at anything and everything that vaguely looks like food including the bread we take so my boy finds them very amusing indeed.  I love it too.  Then we finished off by spending an hour at the park. There were so many times today that I was thankful to John for where I am right now.  It was a Being / Now day.  So many moments where time stopped and life lived.  I spent the day living ( and re-charging my anchor ). I never had the ability to stop and really and truly savour anything – good or bad.  And John has taught me to lean into both good and bad things and its the only way to be. To ‘be’ completely with anything is to connect and there’s no fear and plenty of joy and calmness.  Its a great great thing to be able to do and today was a day of doing it many times.  I find myself smiling and seeing things more brightly / clearly / vividly.  I remember in the early days of John becoming aware that by giving things my attention – as opposed to giving them some of my attention and focussing the rest of my attention on the ‘next thing on the list that needed doing’ then suddenly the focus of my attention became stronger.  It sounds such a simple and obvious thing to say however it blew me away at the time and I was so caught by it I spent a lot of conscious time listening intently / looking at / smelling / feeling things.  I felt I was tuning into a new level of awareness.  I used to listen to music so intently that I would get to a point where I felt I had excluded all external sound and was ‘with’ whatever I was listening to.  It was such a conscious process at first and one that took a long time to perfect – like trying to find a radio signal amongst a lot of hiss and knowing its there and getting it sometimes and then ‘ wow’ suddenly ‘you’re in.’  And I’d be aware I had managed to zero in on pure sound.  Its a much less conscious process now – in fact I’d say most of the time its unconscious. I’ve learned to do it now so well as I’ve practised and practised.  Today was a day of many Now moments.  And together with them and the book John had given me which is absolutely the best thing I have read to date, its been a perfect day.  I’ve got my course at the weekend.  Life is good.  I have had an ‘ I Am’ day today.  And – I met up with a dentist this morning who I’m getting together with again in ten days time to discuss business.  THAT was a very good and exciting start to the day. I’m missing my John fix though ( hi John  – can’t wait – I know….too needy , your fault ).

Sunday 23rd October – I have been on my course all weekend and its been brilliant.  apart from the content which is just amazing the ‘me’ time is so good.  To be able to leave the house and learn all day is great.  I am so enjoying learning.  And processing stuff in my head and talking stuff through and all this against a background of a year of therapy.  So I have no hang ups about whether what I’m contributing is right or wrong etc its perfect becasue I have the confidence to enjoy the process knowing I am not judging myself.  Thats not to say I have not had some learning on the way – I managed to isolate the ‘ part’ of me that actually thinks it wants to ‘show off / prove I have read the books / prove I am totally absorbed with and love the course etc and finally shut it up two months ago.  I no longer hear the voice that wants me to talk all the time in class and even when I do hear it I wack it on the head.  I contribute now in a much less urgent calmer way. I am still over enthusiastic but thats not the same as showing off that I have read a book which is a much better place to be.  The child in me had its hand in the air 24/7 before ‘ me, me…..let me answer the qeustion ‘ and so on.  Now I’m happy to answer it in my head and let someone else have a go.  Its brilliant.  I love it.  And I’m busy this week with my practice which I just love so much.  I enjoy the process of preparation / the session / the personalising of the work / the listening / the work / the changes / the people…its all I have ever wanted to do and could have hoped to have dreamed of.  What a year its been.  Can’t wait to see John next week – far far too long.

Wednesday 26th October – its been a busy few days and I am so thankful for where I am right now spiritually.  I do not get stressed at all or at least if it tries to hook my attention I have so many tools now to use that it rarely lasts long at all.  I am living as much as I can in the ‘ now’ and it is a wonderful place to be.  I do fel as if over the last two weeks I have found another level.  The ‘ Now ‘ thing ( thanks to John ) is breathtaking.  Becasue once you realise there is only Now nothing else causes any issues – no worrying past or future – because you know you are giving your best attention ot the Now.  Its so elegant. And effective and I’m enjoying the active process of being with it – living it, as John would say.  Off to read more about it …….. 

Saturday 29th October- I have been away for a few days and it was lovely.  What could in the past have been on occasion a trying time, given that I was prone to filling gaps in conversation far too early with anything and everything so as not to have a break in conversation and so on, was a pleasure.  I thought we had to talk all the time and that that was a measure of the success of the weekend,  I thought it was up to me to make conversation if there was none and so on with the consequence being quite an urgent experience.  Me talking at people and barely listening I was so intent on continuing with my list of subjects.  I know I spoke far too fast and was more than likely an exhausting person to be near.  John said my first session with him was pretty full on.  So now I am relaxed,  and I listen,  and I don’t feel any need or desire to fill gaps and enjoy the peace of gaps.  There were several moments when four of us were waking along in our own worlds in a wood quite happy that there was no conversation at all.  Nobody wanting or needing anything. And I breathe properlynow .  And the days seem longer.  Its quite amazing and so much more pleasant.  Its a much better and healthier way to be.  And I realised today that I have gone on and on about ‘ now’ and being relaxed and so on however there is another element in there – I am patient .  And I am patient because I live in the ‘ now.’  Today was a perfect example.  I spent the day with my boy alone and we built lego,  walked in the park,  had a picnic in the car as it was raining and fed the ducks and sat by a waterfall.  Then when the day was still lovely we went to the park.  Each moment was perfect and I re-charged my anchor over and over again.  No race to the end of the day or to ‘ the next thing ‘ and if we chnaged our minds at any point,  that was fine too.  Patience to enjoy the moment and Be with it ( and my boy ).  Its been a lovely lovely day full of ‘ now.’  Powerful stuff……..

Tuesday 1st November – John today.  What a great sight.  I stopped.  Not that I don’t have great days every day – my life has been so much calmer for so long and its not a race to the end of the day and then a race to the end of the next day constantly chasing my tail and never catching it and so on. However to stop completely for a few hours, as John says ‘ nobody wanting anything / nobody needing or expecting anything’  its wonderful.  Just to walk into his office and sit down and listen to the music is enough ( almost ).  So we caught up on stuff and it was great.  I feel ‘ re-booted.’  He showed me a shadows thing – people standing with the sun behind them close together and as each shadow almost touched some shadows seemed to jump and fuse together at random places across the gaps.  Connections.  Energy.  Who knows however it caught my imagination.  Another lovely day

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