Claire’s Blog – The Next Phase of My Life

This is my new blog having realised that just because I am over 40 and have a family and a career that’s not necessarily it however happy I am – there is plenty of time for new stuff and growth.

You can read my initial blog about learning how to handle stress and alcohol here

My New Goals Are:

• to look at situations and life with fascination not desperation

• to enjoy  ‘ being not doing ‘ and furthermore ‘  being AND doing. ‘

• to have the courage to do things as well as to stop doing things.

Wednesday 9th February - I have my head firmly in my Ericksonian approaches door stop size book at the moment and it’s compulsive reading.  I only allow myself to read after dinner as I work during the day,  however it is hard not to ‘ just read one chapter’ during the day and takes willpower.  Erickson is apparently known for sending clients to climb Saw Peak which was close to his practice and perhaps the point was that it was a shock to their system – do something completely unrelated to your problem etc and see what pops up.  Well – I have a strict working regime as I work from home in my own business so when my hubby suggested that I change the venue for a monthly meeting to The Spring Fair ( Trade Show ) at the NEC it wasn’t the easiest sell to me.  I would much rather have had the usual monthly meeting in Aylesbury and worked before and after in my office.  Sense prevailed and I had a very good day at the show.  My business partner collected me and drove - bliss ( although I do love driving and prefer usually to do the driving CONTROL ALERT and to let someone else drive is a conscious decision for me), and it was refreshing indeed to walk round the show as hubby had an interest there.  And it was a lovely cold sunny day – so a day out of the ordinary was a breath of fresh air.  However I did notice one fasciating thing – as we walked into the trade halls they were full to  bursting with vases / pictures / candles / clothing / cards / crafts / party stuff / etc etc etc.  Anything you could hope to buy was there and my knee jerk reaction was one of complete recoil – I immediately wanted to leave,  I mean RUN.  My instant voices in my mind were saying ‘ too much stuff of no use to anyone / decadence / over kill Western Culture ‘ we don’t know what else to spend our money on so we will buy tutt ‘ / let’s keep up with the Jones’s etc – almost like seeing one of those stupid game shows where people are encouraged to eat as much as they can as quickly as they can and it sprays everywhere and they feel sick,  and then reflecting on less fortunate countries.  It was one of the most interesting emotions for me to break down.  It stayed with me all day and I can bring it up now – bright lights / shiny new things / crisp salesmen – interesting.

I also noticed that I walked round the show relaxed and calm – not feeling I wanted or needed to talk to anyone,  no rush etc nobody wanting anything from me,  mainly Me not wanting anything from me.  This is very much my new state and I enjoy it .  I was relaxed and calm all day and did not feel under any obligation to talk in the car although ofcourse we did – but silences were just fine.  PLUS – this may be me just looking too deep,  the other three people with me started to complain about stiff hips/ backs/ feet from all the walking – me….. nothing.  Completely fine and ache free I could have stayed all day – maybe just maybe my new relaxed state made walking etc so much easier.  Just a thought.

My hubby told me that his best friends son 22 yrs old came home the other day ( to his parents exceptionally large and expensive home )  having been to an even bigger house and moaned ‘ how would he ever be able to get a house like that ? ‘ amazing………… as many of the authors of the books I am reading state ‘ we are hard wired to failure from a very young age in this part of the world.’

and – finally – one of the group said that she had tried hypnotherapy but it didn’t work and the therapist was stupid.  It turned out that they had been SENTto the therapist ( for controlling strategy issues ) and had only agreed to go ‘ to see how clever the therapist was.’ She only went once and could not remember anything the therapist said but told me clearly what she considered to be the problem she had wanted to be worked out and had shared – probably extensively – with the therapist. It was an amusing conversation since she is an amusing lady.

John tomorrow – lovely.

Thursday 10th February – John session today and I was so looking forward to it.  I look forward to it all week and as the session gets closer the anticipation grows.  I turn into his road and the world goes into slow motion.  I am always early so park and rest for a while…… nobody wanting anything.  Then switch off my phone – I never switch it off so this is a real release – and walk to his door.  Just contact with his door is relaxing. He caught me off guard a few months ago with an introduction to the session that was immediate,  direct,  challenging and destabilising but powerful once I got my head round it – we had to restart a few times and there was a lot of me babbling - it was brilliant and is as fresh and real today as it was then.  Ofcourse,  it’s not repeatable as the shock of it was a huge part of why it worked.  Anyway – he did it again today in that he started the session directly – no chatting and catching up on the week. Just a how’s things and then an assertive break and start.  It was so what I needed  – in truth there could have been more but I’m still not quite at the completely letting go stage with regards to release of emotion.  He got a lot out in his usual gentle and kind and effective way.  He tried hard to get the rest to flow,  but what he got released the pressure.  It was interesting to feel all day that I had the ‘shakes.’  I honestly believe the control over my emtotions in not letting go completely left me with them bubbling very close to the surface.  I guess I should have let go when John so gently brought everything to the surface and gave me a safe place to release them.

He also took me to a place I now know well and distracted me from the release of my emotions to my creative side – he took me to a beautiful place / a home … where he gave me time with myself making a beautiful and very heavy thing embedded with rectangular heavy crystals/ stained glass.  Greens and deep yellow and reds,  Church stained glass colours. And the odd turquoise stone.  Then I glazed and heavily varnished it and set it on a plinth outside the back door over looking our terrace. To reflect the sun in the afternoon………. by now you know it was a good session.  I can see it vividly now and the process was a welcome and connected distraction. Clever John.  Life is good. John said there is beauty everywhere in everything at everytime, just find it and see it and be with it. I’m not sure if those were his exact words – they were what I heard.

Friday 11th February – I have been pre-occupied with yesterday’s session all day and it has been a calming and lovely pleasure. I guess what can take a few days in reality and even sometimes does not get done / or often enough because of the time a task may take can be ‘ done / exeprienced’ in 30mins in hypnosis – what I mean to be more precise is that our session took me to an imaginery art studio ( mine ) where I spent enough time to make something personal to me.  What in real time could have taken days,   took probably 30mins in the session.  And the benefit was and has been today,  vivid and lovely.

Saturday 12th February – my business partner ( mine – ie the lovely one ) invited me to go to the Man Utd match today ( v City ) with his two friends as he is a season ticket holder and knows I support Utd.  This meant hubby had to look after our son all day which obviously meant I got a day off.  I was up and out of the house before either of them got up – 7.20am as it was a lunchtime kick off and I was being picked up. I am never late and got to the hotel for 7.50am for an 8.15am pick up.  I took my book with me so it was just brilliant to listen to my own music in the car,  enjoy the drive to the hotel,  park  and then have a coffee and read for a while.  The journey there was hilarious – my partner is excellent company and his two friends were most amusing -  a real ‘ boys ‘ trip.  We grabbed breakfast in a small cafe near the ground and then watched the match which we won.  We then piled back to the car and drove home.  Again – a very very amusing journey and everyone was on form – there was a lot of testosterone flying about.  We had a coffee in the hotel where I had left my car ( lovely to extend the trip a bit and also to alleviate my guilt about parking in their car park all day ) and then we all said our goodbyes.  An excellent day and a refreshing change.  Two commments that arose of interest today – my partner was talking about a business idea and bouncing round some ideas and then said ‘ we just need to get some eyeballs on it now.’  I thought this was visual and fun.  And the other thing he said was – when the match was not really going anywhere – was ‘ we are set up here not to lose.’  Brilliant .  Thankfully we won – but I got his drift.  A very good day and a refreshing trip – bigger than the actual hours of the day.  Lovely. Inevitably there was talk of my new point of view and direction – mostly amusing comments at my expense.

Sleep tonight at John’s Sleep temple.

Sunday 12th February – I fell asleep in the middle of Sleep last night – I know exactly when I dropped off.  Funny how I always wake up as the next track starts – the change of John’s tone of voice I guess.  I have felt really healthy all day – like I have found another level.  Not drinking is lovely.  I am keen to finish my Ericksonian Approaches book now which has been the most in depth book to read so far so I’m on a big push tonight.  It’s wonderful to not drink and read in the evening instead – and also to be able to read just for pleasure ( the retaining of information will have to come later as I’m trying to speed read all the course material before it starts at the end of March ).  I’m reassured how much of the things that I read actually come back to me in the morning and the following day.  my word of the week is ‘ dissociation’ specifically with regards to time,  and it has linked in nicely with what I did with John on Thursday.  He gave me two days worth of art creativity  in 30 mins. Lovely. Just lovely. It is still very much in the forefront of my mind and if I had the real time to create what I made in my mind,  it would be a pleasure.

Sleep temple again tonight – to the end I hope.

Monday 14th February – Valentines Day ofcourse and we had a lovely exchange of cards and then calls to family.  and I got flowers and chocolates – he amusingly dare not come home without them.  The rest of the day was a catch up day and quite a lot of work which meant photocopying documents that I would rather not have to look at more than once – business rot. I decided to listen to some lectures by Richard Bandler that John had kindly loaded onto the mp3 player he loaned me ages and ages ago – I do not think I will ever give it back It will remain happy and on loan.  Anyway – I ignored the documents and photocopied them on auto pilot whilst my boy played and I listened to Bandler who is brilliant.  I am so close to finishing my Erickson book and will finish it tonight and tomorrow – I have a rare treat tomorrow in that I am allowing myself time to read in the day.  Hubby is very scared of the dentist and has to be knocked out for the slightest thing – he needs an extraction so I’m taking him to the hospital tomorrow and waiting then bringing him back – so I’m taking my book.   This personal growth journey is more of a distratcion than I could ever hope for – I love it.  And it really is keeping the business rot in place.  Thursday is soon – can’t wait.  I watch the clock / days from Monday.  I’m still pre-occupied with last weeks session.  brillant. Fell asleep in Sleep again ! last night…… hey who cares.  I climb into bed and swtich on the mp3 player and drop instantly into relaxation……. powerful stuff.

Tuesday 15th February – early blog – couldn’t resist.  I got the date wrong about hubby’s dentist appointment as it is tomorrow so my book that I had hoped to finish today I am sure I will finish tomorrow.  I read til very late last night and it’s an excellent read – a large chapter was centered around hypnosis and dentistry which I thoroughly enjoyed ( I love going to the dentist and just the thought of it is fun ) so reading about it in this context was compulsive.  So today I had a lot of that rot photocopying I started yesterday to do.  I stood in my office photocopying the documents and not looking at them at all and listened to some more of John’s Richard Bandler recordings.  He is just brilliant – at one point I truely felt as though I was going to disappear off into a trance.  And what was amusing is that the recording was a lecture in which he took the audience into a trance state – I stood there listening and thought to myself that if I had been at the lecture I would have sat at the back and watched / observed as opposed to entering the trance. However Bandler – towards the end of the trance he was inducing and playing with – said quite clearly ‘ and you lot at the back who sat there to watch………….’  I felt like a naughty school girl who had been caught out ! very very powerful indeed and I was fascinated by my physical response.  Anway- some stuff that I jotted down whilst I was listening that I liked : confidence is no good without competence / seratonin is released just by smiling ( even if you feel sad at the time )/ motivation should come from inspiration / if you have a 1/1000 chance of something what’s wrong with saying/ believing / thinking ’ you’ll take the 1 please ??!’ /  say and use the word ‘ Soften’ ( John uses this so so nicely and I drop instantly )

I add here the anecdote that Bandler uses re Soften – as your dentist drives the needle into your gum think immediately ( or get him to say assertively ) Soften……….. works every time.

and finally ‘ failure to feel / find reasons to feel bad about yourself makes failure good.’ Brilliant…..more later – have to do some work now.

… and ‘ if you are working on someone who has a bad shoulder and you relax it and get the pain to go away,  remember to work on relaxation in the rest of the body and rebalancing BEFORE awakening them or else there is a danger of the patient walking out like the hunchback of notre damme ! funny.

7.20pm – back.  I guess my thoughts are pre-occupied with my personal growth and the books that I am reading,  the Bandler recordings and the time I share with John/ his recordings.  I have never been so connected – I went to university and studied a safe degree that I could do when I was married / had children as opposed to what I really wanted to do.  I enjoyed university – probably more than I should ( the freedom was a LOT of fun ) but I never felt as motivated / inspired ( Bandler ) as I do now.  I just devour books and remember what I have read and fill any spare time with this stuff – whether simply thinking about it or reading.  I feel like a cat chewing on cat nip when I’m anywhere near this stuff. And then ofcourse just a conversation with someone now brings me close again or watching tv – I am conscious of listening with purpose or watching with purpose.  Even body language.  It is totally and pleasantly absorbing.  No alcohol for ages – don’t miss it at all. and I have not put on any weight at all and am maintaining the loss with total ease.

Wednesday 16th February – took hubby to hospital today to have his tooth extracted.  He is so so not a dentist person – he gets very apprehensive indeed and they have to knock him out completely even for a check up. I don’t think he appreciated my calming and reframing words at all,  however he saw the funny side and the discussion distracted him.  I so nearly finished my book – infact I sat for an extra few minutes in the pharmacy having already collected medicine ( naughty ) just to read to the end of my chapter. Hubby was in the recovery room – I did not feel any guilt at all reading for a bit. And there was a young mother there who clearly wanted to chat and I managed to listen and who/why/when/how etc and never mentioned that I too had a young son.  What a change and how relaxing just to listen to someone who needed / wanted to talk to a complete stranger.  She left smiling.  Nice feeling.  John tomorrow – thank goodness.  This evening was testing ( business rot ) and if I had not had my entire tool box I would have downed an entire bottle of whisky.  however,  instant calm prevailed and was maintained by John’s toolbox – the situation was made / is harder as I have not discussed developments with hubby as he is still recovering from his proceedure.  I’ll tell him when I know the outcome tomorrow.  John’s toolbox helped with this as well – it’s not easy to hide my emotional state.  I will def finish my book tonight. I’m so pleased I have this distraction. no alcohol tonight.

Thursday 17th February – John said today in his always amusing way ‘ close your eyes – you know how it goes by now – we’ll go to the Studio again….. I don’t do inductions anymore……..’ to which I replied that my inductions start at approx 12.30pm ( on Thursday – just after my session has finished ) and finish as I walk in his front door again the following Thursday.  However amusing this way have been, there is a certain amount of truth in it since John’s recordings and sessions,  the thoughts we share and the discussions we have,  his stories ( so so clever ) and even this blog are with me all week – and ofcourse his Toolbox and the books I am reading.  I could easily have had a most rotten of afternoons and evening ,  night and morning this morning with what went on yesterday with the business rot thing however everything John has taught and shared with me carried me through to the point this morning that I had completely rationalised it.  John caught me off guard at the beginning of one session sometime ago with such a powerful start and the ‘ right here / right now / now very very now ’ of it was the dominant thing that carried me through some tough hours yesterday and today. With NO alcohol.  amazing and so so good for my soul. how good to find such strength from within and not from a whisky bottle.

todays session was too big to go through here – I have a note book that I now update after every session so I can go back to thoughts and stories etc in the future.  Suffice to say that the Spiritual Warrior took on form and depth today and started to live and breath.  And John reframed a very significant memory from my teenage years – so so gently but firmly and kindly.  A complete reframe that has been with me all day and will have life long effect.  I’m proud also of how I have handled the business rot thing and today the badness of yesterday has been undone and I will now tell hubby what happened.  He was poorly yesterday and didn’t need stress especially when I hoped and logic told me that it would be undone today.  Carrying the secret was hard.  So I’ll tell him when he gets home tonight.  Power v Force – how much strength do I draw from that and how good is it to remember when things get tough and I just want to lash out.  Power is so much more still and calm and my ability now to stop and think and then think some more in any situation ( and be less needy,  especially when I was waiting for news today ) is deepening.  Just thinking actively and deliberately is a relief – what did Jill Bolte Taylor say ‘ responsibility should be spelled ‘response-ability.’ love it.

one more thing that I loved today – we talked about ‘cunning and ruthless’ as positive words / attributes - I love this so much and just discussing language shifts points of view immediately.  They say that Erickson used to read the dictionary for fun from his yearly years – lovely and so much better than watching tv.  I have a fridge door covered in magnetic letters for my boy,  and at the moment it has ‘ deframing’ written along the top.  I try and learn a new word a week related to my course and it’s fun talking it through with my ever patient hubby. A good day.

Friday 18th February – I have had a lovely day in the real world – business rot does not count on the scale of what I have come thank goodness to realise is important. And not drinking is wonderful.  I feel so healthy and the weight I have lost feels good as well.  I am calmer and am finding myself.  I enjoy being not doing and ‘being present.’  ‘I Am’ is a statement I feel and say constantly.  I am reframing my life and myself.  John said it takes about 4 months to recharge your inner battery and I felt early on that the process was happening very very quickly.  The past few days I have felt clean and fresh – like I have detoxed.  And the detox does not feel as though it is a direct result of hardly drinking at all and eating properly ,  I’ve done that before – it’s a ‘soul change’ recharge which is like nothing I have ever felt before.  It’s exciting and wonderful.  Bandler says ‘ watch out – how much pleasure do you think you can handle ……..?’ when comparing what the human body / mind / inner self can deliver as opposed to drugs/ alcohol.  He says there is so much more to be found within…. and that drugs / alcohol numbs as well as seeming to stimulate.  This is a good place to be and a life long change and journey.  John uses the word Soften at just the right times and never too often or without careful consideration – and I feel Soft right now.  that’s it.  right now……………………… nobody wanting anything. I feel safe. I feel secure. I Am……

Saturday 19th February – I had a lovely day today at my best friends house.  It was her boys Birthday and her mum and Grandad were there with us for a family lunch before the mad party next week.  My boy just loves her boy – who is several years older – and they are the best of friends so it gives us time to chat and catch up.  I found myself very pleasantly indeed engrossed in trying to work out her mum’s and Grandad’s representational systems.  It was completely absorbing and slowed the conversation down and made me really concentrate on what they were saying / their body language etc .  It was a very calming thing for me to do.  I listened intently,  thought before responding and paused when I was not sure. I cannot believe how ‘full on’ I used to be pre-John.  It still makes me laugh to think of how John recalled our first meeting months ago – he did an impression of me ( thanks ! ) however I knew where he was coming from since I lived inside that person for 42/3 years.  Just thinking about it exhausts me.  The nurse who debriefed me in hospital when she was checking out hubby after his tooth extraction had a hint of old me in her – she talked so quickly,  without drawing breath and spoke from the very top of her lungs.  I wanted then to stop her and say ‘ just breath,  rest,  relax………. just stop’ however thankfully I resisted but she made me catch my own breath for her.  So – back to today – we had a lovely and relaxing day .  Just wonderful.  I am a very different person from the one I was before meeting John – calmer / restful / centered / safe.  I keep using that word – Safe.  Well – that’s how he has made me feel and it’s so so powerful. Church tomorrow with friends then Christening in the afternoon – Church twice in one day.  Lovely – I like the peace of the buildings and the hymns and music and the smells and people coming together. I realised last week that I live a lot in my head – and when I am in Church all the Classics I have enjoyed and studied flow through my veins and senses and I am lost for a while………. it’s restful and provocative.

Nearly forgot – this morning my boy bounced into my bed at 7.15am ( daddy was long gone to golf ) and we got a text about 10mins afterwards from my best friend who was letting us know that her boy had woken up with a nasty cough.  I told my boy and he retorted – ‘ don’t worry Mummy – just tell him to relax.’  I have to say that I thought I had misheard him and asked him to repeat what he had said which he did.  I was so proud of myself – the ONLY place he has picked up language like that is from me.  This will do nicely

Sunday 20th February – lovely day today – I would normally have said hectic,  however that is not where I am anymore.  There is less and less urgency and rush and clock watching/ hurry up etc now.  So we had a lovely day that was full of things to do and people to share time with.  I’m not going to repeat my usual line of ‘ I listened more ……… and so on’ as I now take that as a more and more natural place where I am and it is becoming less and less deliberate.  It’s not automatic but some of the distraction which is delaying it becoming automatic now is that I am fascinated with the change processes / what I see / how others operate.  I sometimes get lost in my own world for what seems like ages and is infact seconds.  It gives ‘time’ to the day and to moments.  Anyway – so what is my thought for the day : well,  I told John last week that at school I wanted so much to be seen as cool.  So I have been tossing round what my definition of cool was way back then and in truth it popped into my head late yesterday.  I wanted to be ‘relaxed’ both internally and as seen by others externally.  I did not want to be seen as up tight or stand offish – rather easy going and approachable and calm,  an even personality.  I know I saw my mum as uptight and felt often that I was  ‘ walking on egg shells ‘ with regards to her emotions so I’m sure my desire to be quite the opposite originates from my perception of her.  We looked at my relationship with my mum last week in my session and John had it spot on as usual : or rather he guided me to a place where I explored my feelings / emotions / perspective from a different point of view.  He totally reframed my memories in such a powerful and instant and life changing way and with consideration to all parties involved. What a difference. No wonder John is so busy clever clever man.

I took ‘ Belief’ to bed with me last night and actually made it right to the end for the first time in ages and enjoyed the last few seconds so much – I dropped like a stone afterwards.  Lovely. I may take Pain to bed tonight as I’ve not listened to it for ages. And – lastly since I cannot resist – I sat and listened to friends talking about a £24million mansion that one of the husbands was working in and listened to comments about ‘ I would love a house like that / how fantastic would that be / I could never dream of that………………….’ etc and noticed all the comments came from the women whilst the men sat silent ( John presented his Princess Entitled story a few weeks ago which addresses the way women are brought up to believe the Knight will come and will be the answer to their dreams and take them eventually to the Castle they have been promised and everything in every way will suddenly be ok/ the fact that they feel entitled to this dream promise and anything less is just leaves them wanting ).  It was a very interesting conversation – I was absolutely about to say that I have bought out of that loop / I am in a different place now etc etc and then instantly stopped myself. Hey – I’m very happy and content to be where I am right now and it’s a million miles from where I was 6 months ago.

Monday 21st February – one of my very best friends said something so perfect today.  I had been invited out last Friday for dinner with a few close girl friends and when everything was being arranged my head was full of stuff so I said honestly that ‘  my head was full of stuff and on that basis please forgive me,  but I’m going to bail this time.’  Ofcourse they are wonderful friends and there was no problem at all.  And in the end I had a quiet day and evening.  I was discussing how I felt with my friend today and she said ‘ you just needed to be quiet….’ I loved it – it is exactly how I felt and not a word I have ever used in such a vast context.  I told her she would feature in my blog tonight.  Quiet……… how lovely and perfect.

Tuesday 22nd February – had a slight accident last night – hubby came home with a bottle of whisky and I had a few glasses – more than I would have liked but not too much.  I allowed myself to have one glass however I knew that was a risk.  I’m more of an all or nothing person.  So – it was very nice at the time but I felt not so much guilty this morning,  but disappointed with myself.  However I have not beaten myself up over it and I have rather seen it for what it was – a few glasses of whisky.  And nothing at all like what I was drinking.  Whisky is certainly my achilles heal.  I intend to be more resistant in the future and continue my contorl on drinking – as John says ‘ he gives me permission to control my drinking.’ could have done with remembering that last night.  Nice day today apart from that and an interesting email exhange with John about what I wear and when. Fun.

Wednesday 23rd February – I had to pop to the doctors today which was a very good excuse to get there early and read my new book. I was completely engrossed on a chapter on ‘control’ in relation to hypnosis and perceptions of control and hypnosis.  I was fascinated and the chapter was writen so well.  I think now that I’m better at looking much more at the ‘whole of the picture’  and then I read a chapter like this one and realise there is an entire mountain of information to be considered and enjoyed.  Apart from anything else it is just wonderful to be learning new things at 43.  I also had an interesting day because as always tomorrow is Thursday and anticipation for the session starts to mount and pre-occupy me.  It’s a very nice distraction

Thursday 24th February – just writing Thursday makes me relax……. John session today which was very interesting indeed on lots of levels. To give one,  I was going to a meeting with my solicitor today straight from John’s so had as close to a suit on as I wanted to wear.  It is very comfortable indeed however I ‘felt’ different today.  I was wearing a ‘mask’ as John would say.  And I had tied my hair back which is rare.  So the entire image was deliberate and respectful.  When John took me on one of his stories and I closed my eyes I was immediately conscious that the sensation was different. Clearly John was aware of the difference as he tried so cleverly to relax me and distract me – indeed my conscious listening and analysis of what he was trying to do amused me greatly.  You won’t feel your left hand next week John…………….but today it was very much awake and ‘there.’  It was a very very interesting session – and he got me with the thing I said would never work twice ( how wrong I was – and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it again today ).  It’s so direct / now / challenging / real / present and you are unable to concentrate on much at all except absolute right here right now emotions.  It’s amazing.  So – good good session. and we looked back at some of my old notes which were very funny indeed.

Friday 25th February – I had a wonderful day with my boy today and on days like this at some point I look back at how things used to be pre-John.  Clock watching / rushing here and there rather than enjoying moments and smells and textures and simply the pleasure of life. We sat having lunch in Tesco cafe and it was lovely – nobody wanting anything and more to the point ‘ me’ not ‘wanting anything.’ I used to put such pressure on myself ( and therefore everyone else around me ) to do this / do that and perhaps one of the biggest releases John has given me is  from myself ! and once I have found that release the entire world takes on a new place and meaning for me.  I’m relaxed thus my boy is relaxed thus my hubby is relaxed thus my sister / mum and dad / friends / strangers I meet etc etc etc etc.  Such a good place to be.  Thursday’s session has been strongly with me today – no surprise there as usual – and I smile all day with the calmness I carry in my and around me from my time with John.  I had to take my boy for an injection booster today and the nurse who I know well ( she was very much there when my husband nearly died nearly 4 years ago  and we have a special bond )  said immediately how well I looked : needless to say she got a ‘ John is wonderful’ story. It was a good feeling.  I told John on Thursday that I feel ‘Safe’ – it’s a good word for I where I am and have been now for some time.

Saturday 26th February – lovely family day at hubby’s mum’s with children going crazy and lively conversation some of which played with / teased mercilously my new outlook on life which was fun.  A good day and lovely for hubby’s mum as everyone was fighting for conversation / ate the food – huge amounts ( she is Jewish and a great and generous cook ) / laughed and left late ( with take out food ).  A good day – aren’t they all ……………

Sunday 27th February – John is light years ahead of me on this and smiles gently and somewhat knowingly when the subject crops up,  however I now need / rephrase / now perhaps consider that the journey can be a quiet and still one.  In that I mean that I really have the need to tell everyone I meet about my new direction and everyone that tells me they are in trouble in any way I immediately want to blurt out John this / John that / go and see John and you’ll be in a better place immediately etc etc etc ‘ hello,  I can save you / help you by directing you to John and you will love me forever ( I roll my eyes at myself constantly however the realisation of this is amusing even if it is at my own expense ).  And I am aware that sometimes I reply in conversation in such a different way than I used to to the point where people obviously take half a metaphorical step back and hubby usually says ‘ yes – well, she’s on a journey… don’t ask her what she is….. a spiritual warrior… ‘ to which I have no problem at all since he says it nicely and amusingly and never with any poor intention at all.  I guess I am still over enthusiastic and forget that not everyone is where I am / wants to be where I am or maybe cannot even comprehend it.  And in situations where – rarely – I find myself challenged ( I think hard before certain conversations now and practise lines and thought processes in my head first which often makes me seem detacted from conversations – it happened yesterday twice.  Hubby’s niece said ‘ have we lost you ?’ which kicked me back into the conversation and out of my own little world ) I enjoy thinking through my response on my own.  Lest I have not quite grasped the new way of thinking yet and ‘ cock it up.’  Not that I care – never take anything anyone says personally / it’s fine to make mistakes / there is no failure only feedback / I could go on forever. This is just such a relaxing was of life and I very rarely feel stressed or tense at all – and when I do,  I am confident that I can break it down and off we go again.  Lovely – just lovely.  word of the week – transderivational searches.  mmmm – lovely.

Monday 28th February- I love this new journey : I have a mountain of stuff on my desk that would normally have bothered me until I started work on it – now,  I have not been bothered at all,  I will start on it tomorrow and end when it finishes ( the world will not fall in if it doesn’t all get done immediately ) / mutual friend called today randomly to see if the children could get together pm however I was already invited and going to mutual friend No 2′s for a play session,  Do I lie and not tell her where we are invited to incase she is offended she has not also had the invite or tell her – now,  tell her ofcourse,  no problem at all AND resist the temptation to invite her as well since it is not my place to invite her.  This would have caused me mush ponderance and stress previously – would she feel left out / how could I have made it better – who knows.  Now – no problem at all.  She rang randomly / we were already busy.  We’ll hook up again.  And I put two people in touch together today who will be of great use to eachother ( a planning application situation – so business which is always nice ) and I was pleased to have been the ‘introducer.’ Just another all round good day

Tuesday 1st March – I got an email late yesterday afternoon to say ( from  the friend who had called me to say she was at a loose end and did we want to play that I could not meet as I had arrangements elsewhere ) that her Grandad passed away last Thursday. Oh yes – I felt bad.  But at least I broke down my emotions.  I called her today and said I didn’t know what to say except I was very sorry to hear her Grandad has passed away – which in the end was the simplest and most honest thing to say.  She chatted for ages and I was pleased – I managed to shut up for the entire conversation which was a big chnage from pre-John similar conversations.  I hope I helped – supported her if nothing else.  Times like these are tough – and she’s a good girl.

I have felt completely relaxed today – I had a mountain to climb of work and my stress levels never went above 1 – calm / sometimes to the point of wondering whether I was breathing at all.  Everything is so much easier now. anything that did not get done today will get done at some point and if I forget to send a Birthday card in time,  hey – what’s the fuss ( March is a very busy Birthday month ). Life is good and connections with friends are essential.

Wednesday 2nd March – hubby signed a big deal today and he was chuffed.  He does not get under excited or over excited about anything – he’s a straight down the middle,  even kind of guy however I know he was pleased as he called me from work to tell me.  I’m pleased for him – it’s what he needs and irrespective of whether any of us ‘deserve’ anything,  actually he deserves this.  We also put the first two properties in two years into solicitors hands this week – clearly the deal is not done til the money is in the bank,  however both sales were a dip of our toe back into the market and both took less than a week to us accepting offers.  If nothing else it has been an encouraging experience.  I’m now on a mission with 5 others – the last two have given me the taste for sales back and I’m enjoying the ride.  Nice to be doing stuff out of fascination not desparation……… HOW brilliant is that ?! John tomorrow – always always always so much to look forward to.  As I have written before,  the induction for tomorrows session starts as I leave the previous week – it fills my life.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow as I bumped the content from last week to this week.  So in truth I have had two weeks of build up to tomorrow.  It will be fun. and as my course starts in three weeks time I am now skim / speed reading the last few books which is hard as I get totally distracted by content.  Life is good.

Friday 4th March – 8.48am – I forgot to do my blog last night !!!!!!!!!!!!! I remembered in the middle of the night. Unheard of.  no time now – will catch up later. yesterday was fun.

back – however it is 8.10pm and my boy is still up.  bed soon – a late treat .  We had a very busy ‘doing and enjoying the doing’  day and who cares if he is late to bed – it’s Friday and we enjoyed the day.  He’s having 5 mins with Daddy now before bed.  I read last night in my book u should ‘Allow yourself experiences as opposed to trying to have them’  How perfect……….. life is very very good. My head is in such a wonderful place and the reset button has been firmly fixed for some time.  and my internal battery that John mentioned almost immediately as we met is recharged.  He said it would take about 4 months. Much more – so much more – is automatic rather than deliberate now.  Although the journey is still young.  amazing.

Saturday 5th March – I drank too much very quickly last night for the first time since I met John. I have been breaking it down all day and have come to the conclusion that I used to drink quickly to ‘go somewhere else for a while.’  And I guess that is what I wanted last night.  I had no struggle at the time since I simply for some reason allowed myself and there was no going back.  I guess the business rot lurks with me at all times and I deal with it so very very well – it must have just hijacked me last night.  Maybe because I feel a glimmer of hope that it may all come to an end soon and that ‘hope/ wish’ caught me off guard and my Saboteur took me the rest of the way. Seemed like fun at the time but I was cross this morning.  Anyway – it’s passed now and I guess could have happened at any time.  The worst thing was that I could not get John’s ‘ manequin’ computer program out of my mind – it’s amazing and makes you feel so responsible for your body ( well,  me anyway ).  And I have been looking after it so well infact improving it,  just to pour whisky into it last night.  I’m fine – it was just a blip.

Sunday 6th March – I emailed John this morning for help after Friday night. I knew that if he simply said ‘ don’t drink for a month’  that would be enough.  I then had a lovely family day up in Manchester as it was my sisters Birthday on Friday – family get togethers are just so different now because of John’s gentle reframing and guidance.  We all had a lovely lovely day.  I was preoccupied slightly and as soon as I got back I turned on my computer and John had replied – so no alcohol for a month.  So simple – so powerful.  I respect him so much and it’s all I needed. Bed soon. lovely day. oh – and a recording in bed ofcourse – Pain tonight I think,  I’m not tired and I love it.

Monday 7th March – I’m bothered at the moment.  I’m cross with myself for last Friday.  I feel like I’ve landed on a snake and slid all the way down it and now have to start again.  I guess since I met John my life has changed so much and it changed not gradulally but immediately – at the first session.  Like someone had flipped me upside down and I suddenly realised I was now that right way up and had been upside down all my life.  And the place I found was the huge bit underneath an iceberg that you never know is there – and my previous life had been the tiny tip that points out of the water.  Suddenly everything felt so real and true and completely different and I was so pleased to be there – like I had found the real world.  And everything just slotted into place so so quickly.  So Friday made me cross.  I remember just knowing in the day that it was going to happen and being fine with it for some bizarre reason – maybe because I felt like I had got to the end of the race and deserved something.  Which is even more annoying since this is not a race or a diet or a holiday or anything else for that matter which has an end – this is my life now.  I want to live like I have been learning to do since August last year and I’m enjoying the process and the change and the fascination and the Beauty of it.  And the peace. I wish Friday had not happened and I’m sad it did. I can see why it happened and I have broken it down – but it is still there.  Anyway – in the measure of things it is nothing.  I guess I’m not fixed yet.

7.15pm ( the other bit was written this morning ) – I’m not so sure if I have fully pulled my face straight but the thought of an evening in my book is improving my spirit followed by one of John’s recordings.  A double fix – I’ll be better tomorrow. I put out a nice outfit to wear tomorrow for a meeting – sort of end of Winter/ Spring stuff.  And a skirt ! wow that never happens.  I shall freeze.  It looks nice next to my bed and made me smile.  til tomorrow then……….

Tuesday 8th March – always makes me smile that date as it’s Gary Numans birthday ( the 70s/80s singer – Cars / Are Friends Electric / Down in the Park etc etc ) I completely loved him and wanted to marry him !! I went to concerts all over the place and met his mum and dad and had coffee  several times with his less attractive but nice brother.  I never met him until 12 years ago when I met my hubby who actually employed my now best friends husband ( follow that if you can ) who knew Gary Numan very well indeed.  So we went to a concert – yes he still tours and I like him as much now as then – and went to the after party where I made a complete nit of myself I was so nervous.  I talked to him for ages until his girlfriend arrived and made a beeline for us and that was the end of that.  Still – I was exceptionally pleased to have met him / talked with him ( he was very nervous and shy )/ kept the glass he drank from ( yes that is true ) and got a book signed.  All good fun and hubby was totally pleased with himself as it was when we were first together and he was trying properly hard to impress me. Which he did.  He then introduced me to Midge Ure from Ultravox who was also lovely,  then Captain Sensible……. things went downhill after that ( actually Captain Sensible – Happy Talk fame – was brilliant fun and bonkers ).  I’ve met quite a few 70/80s pop stars through my hubby as he owned a large music venue for a long time.

Anyway – clearly I am feeling much much better today.  Writing this at 12.51 which is a treat I have allowed myself in the working day.  My session with John is back on Thursday as I can only believe ( suits me anyway ) he moved heaven and earth last night when I emailed him to say that my delivery that was booked in for all day was now confirmed for pm.  So I am smiling – a lot.  And I had forgotten that a simple smile releases seratonin.  And I heard a song lyric today ‘ How I wish I could Surrender my Soul / Take off the clothes that became my skin / Reveal the light that burns within……… ( James Blunt – very tasty chappy ).  I just loved the lyric and played the song over and over. I am much much more positive today : reset button on reset.  I was driving and practised retuning into the sounds ( something I became aware of very early in my initial sessions with John ).  I can listen so intently to words / music that the sound becomes so clear.  It is a fascinating thing to do - like tuning a radio that is a bit fuzzy then finding the digital station. Very very real and whilst I can maintain the focus of attention I am able to think / hear nothing else.  It’s very deliberate and calming.  Best do some work now – meeting in an hour.

7.40pm – two good meetings today and I felt back on track and reassured thanks to John.  I had fun today and a bit girly in a skirt – quite interesting how wearing it had a different feeling although it dropped to the floor with the weight I have lost – which I liked .  I like the long Dr Who flowing look.  So – back on track and happy and calm.  I have thrown away the snakes and ladders game and replaced it with a lovely long walk along Hadrians Wall.  I’m sure I need to level out a bit now – not so many extremes of emotions,  rather a long and interesting walk with a few gentle undulations and the odd stumble or clamber along the way.  I love walking and stones and ancient things – the space at the bottom of my Well in my mind is old and rough and solid and scratchy – and home.  Better now – much better.

Wednesday 9th March – it’s 9.11am and I now realise that just connecting with this blog helps.  It always was a very important part of my personal growth programme and I think I have hardly missed a day.  The support that John in person gives me at our sessions plus the things I take with me from the times we share,  and the recordings I listen to every night plus my text books plus this blog have given me layers and layers of support and strength and reinforcement.  I guess the fact that I am visiting my blog more than once a day at present shows a need within me – it helps.  John emailed and said ‘now I had to face my demons.’  Well he is never wrong,  infact quite the opposite.  I guess my chnage was so quick that in some cases I just buried them or thought I had disguarded them,  but 43 years is a long tim eot build up demons and then expect them to disappear obediently overnight.  So – at least I know what happened now last weekend.  And I am much better again today – I read for ages last night and have nearly finished another book which is just brilliant.  And John tomorrow thank goodness – and thanku John.  Doing some work now. More later.  Oh and I fell asleep in ‘Belief’ last night in a very nice and reassuring place.

1.50pm – just realised I will not have time to write this as usual later as I am going out with friends for dinner. I thought I’d share something that amused me from my book regarding resistant clients or those having problems letting go into a Trance : ‘ A variation on the same theme is to have the client count backwards by 7 from 1000 requiring so much mental energy that it is a relief to be able to stop counting and just drop into trance !’ very amusing. back to work now.

Thursday 10th March – John this morning which I was so very grateful for as I really thought my delivery would have meant I had to miss my session.  When I thanked him so very very much he simply said that he had not booked anyone else in – good answer which it suited me to believe and accept.  I was just so relieved to from Tuesday know I had the appointment and to turn into his road and knock on his door.  And then drop into his chair- I stop when I sit in that chair and always the release is so powerful and often physical.  The chair / the room / the music / the smell / John ( ofcourse ) and a closed door.  A safe place.  It’s just wonderful to stop and be safe and rest.  We wouldn’t need to speak for everything to be good.  Ofcourse we talked about my Friday night and he is so so clever and kind – and his chair and wooden floor have their uses visually ( go see for yourself ).  He talked about ‘venting’ and trains leaving and arriving at stations on the way on a journey – I could have let go quite a lot at this point but what came out was enough for the day.  He is so clever and gentle and the entire ‘ John perspective’ was reassuring and the best thing he could have said.  I’ve let it go now and I understand it better.  I relaxed well today and a lot of stuff got gently reframed to a perfect peace.  I smiled all day and I left refreshed and calm.

Friday 11th March – I have had a lovely and calm day infact I feel like I have found a new level.  John’s feeling that last Friday night was simply ‘ venting’ has been so very powerful.  He also suggested that after a good ‘ vent’ I may find ‘ something else the other side.’  A new level / the result of a good blowing away – or rather blast away in my case last week -of the cobwebs etc and I have felt so relaxed today.  I was aware yesterday that I it felt like I had the shakes – this has happened once before after a session and I know exactly what it is – it’s a physical reaction to the session.  It’s a nice feeling and very internal.  Like a rumbling. Like he ‘ touched a nerve.’  My sessions are always brilliant – week by week John gives me so much and given that we rarely discuss what will happen next the sessions he puts together reflect his incredible intuition,  experience,  perception and sensitivity.  I took a lot away on Thursday and I have felt better and stronger since – and I was in a good place before. John also discussed focussing on what I can control which is so much as opposed to what I cannot control which gives me the trouble when I feel weak – and that has been with me very strongly since the session.  He gets it spot on all the time and when he is not quite sure he asks – sounds simple,  but what a very good idea ?!!!! until he is sure that he understands the issue and then you get the John pause whilst he thinks ( I love it – I’d love to be inside that head ) and then off we go again.  Brilliant – clever clever man. Life is good oh – and no alcohol at all and no interest in it.

Saturday 12th March – I feel incredible.  Thursday’s session has had a profound affect – I feel like I have moved up a level.  I actually feel like I am really living this new life and though a huge amount in deliberate and considered I feel I am understanding it more.  I take time and think and pause and ‘wonder ( great word).’  also helping this is the fact that I have not had a drink for a week – I have that lovely fresh clean young feeling and I look in the mirror and my hair and skin look great.  I just love the ‘venting’ thing.  John is so so clever and the affect was instant.  I am totally hooked and wonder (lovely) what else will come as well over the weeks / months etc.  When I taught I made a huge effort with every lesson and I was good at it and I thoroughly enjoyed it when a carefully planned lesson – sometimes only half and hour long – really worked.  I guess what I am saying is that sometimes I think myself andJohn just chat,  however it is clear that he plans and listens and remembers and thinks ( I enjoy his thinking moments – he’s like a wise owl he sits so still and you can tell there’s a lot going on in that head ) .  After my session I run through what I can remember and have ‘saved’ during the session in my mind and record notes in a lovely book a friend gave me for my Birthday and often it is only afterwards that I realise that something he dropped SO casually into our first few minutes of chat has reappeared in his Story later.  Clever clever clever.  It’s fascinating. A good day and a good place to be.

Sunday 13th March -My cousin came with her family today for lunch and it was so good to be able to now automatically enjoy the preparation for their arrival.  I do not do anything less than I ever did – I make a real effort for people to feel welcome / decide which toys will be best and where they should go ( the teacher in me ) / buy a small present for each child / make sure the house is tidy etc etc I’m sure the same as anyone else would do however I used to get a tad stressed and worried throughout the morning that I would not be ready on time / lunch could be late / I could forget something etc etc.  Now and for a long time since meeting John I do the same preparation but with the ‘if it’s not ready when they arrive,  they can help out / if the house is not as tidy as I would have liked,  then who cares – they are guests and if they judge me by a few specks of dust then that is their problem etc etc.  And I let them help clear away – I NEVER did that.  I have grown to realise that actually people like to help and the process is fun and often it gives time for stuff to be spoken about over washing and drying dishes that may not have been spoken about over a hectic lunch when everyone including children are interrupting and having half conversations.  I found myself after everyone had gone consciously washing a roasting tray very thoroughly and slowly then drying it in the same way - and it was lovely to Stop…… and enjoy such a simple thing.  In the past I would have been rushing and splashing stuff everywhere.

Anyway – house tidy,  boy asleep and a lovely lunch and catch up with my cousin/family. I feel like a mountian stream at the moment - clear / fresh/ and happy to go wherever I end up.  No Fear.  What a good place to be.

Monday 14th March – my mind has been so busy this weekend and today to the point that I’m just going to write the main points of my thoughts.  I made scones at the weekend and I am not known for my baking skills – cooking yes,  baking no.  anyway my boy and me made great elephants feet size scones with sultanans and they looked as good as any you would by from ye olde farm shope.  I ate a chunk and it tasted great and broke off a warm piece for hubby who ate it and carefully volunteered that they were not my best.  It was only at that point that I actually got a taste of what I had swallowed and ‘ enjoyed’ so much – it tasted terrible,  All salty and not sweet at all – ofcourse it does help if you include the sugar from the recipe in the mixture !! How amazing is that – I tasted them with my eyes and my mind ?!!       also I have found myself noticing when people comment that they ‘ should really Let it Go’ to which I immediately think ‘ are they seeing John as well.’  This particuarly amuses me – I guess it’s just like buying a new car and then suddenly everyone is driving the same model.  Finally,  my cousin came at the weekend and commmented that she was ‘ trying to only drink at the weekends and then you appreciate it more.’  I got completely lost in her language to the point that I nearly lost track of the rest of the conversation.  ‘ trying ( failure is an option as is not succeeding ),  ‘you’ ( as opposed to ‘I’ – interesting ) and ‘ appreciate it’ … well I got completely lost here in the whole ‘ denying the body/ self something’ issue as opposed to perhaps saying ‘ choosing to drink whenever or choosing not to as the case may be’ therefore regaining control of the situation.  Absolutely fascinating – hubby rolled his eyes and ran to his office smiling when I started to share my thoughts with him – he is ever patient and aware this will only get worse ( or better as far as I am concerned )… Life is good.  And I am very much enjoying the distraction.

Tuesday 15th March – I made myself smile today.  I was getting my boy ready for bed and thinking about my session on Thursday and found my thoughts wandering along the lines of maybe I should try and think up a subject for the session as John must be running out of ideas by now…. Immediately I heard John in my head saying there’s the ‘Control’ again hooking you.  I really smiled – John is clearly more than capable of keeping me amused and occupied and ‘working’ as he reminds me often.  This is supposed to be work is it ???! John’s DVD player ‘playing my life story backwards and forewards / stopping and starting’ has been so powerful this week – and ofcourse, the first use is good,  the second better and then ofcourse the constant practice and reinforcement makes it an excellent tool.  Another great day against my car needing a new suspension pump and the septic tank needing emptying ( it always comes at once !! ). book in 45mins – lovely.

Wednesday 16th March- I finished my book last night and it concluded with two things : 1)Yapko says he cannot remember who said this but he nevertheless likes it  ’ The more you know,  the more you know how little you know ‘  and 2) he says,’ Even if you never formally induce another trance again in your life,  my guess it that you’ll reflexively think twice before saying something like,” Don’t think about what’s bothering you.” I’m really enjoying this stuff.  Starting’ medical and dental hypnosis’ tonight which I have been saving.  Hubby in London til late so dinner and silence and my book – just perfect.  And John tomorrow.  I’m relaxing already

Thursday 17th March – ‘ Our Father who art in ………. my heart ‘ ………………well that sorted that one out then.  I am a religious person and since sharing time with John my religious side has been subject to some considerable searching.  nothing bad at all and nothing challenging,  but certainly subject to a point of view / perspective shift.  The change / journey with respect to my religious beliefs and understandings has been one I have dipped into and not one that has taken up too much of my time or concerned me  ( it has interested me ),  however today made peace. I had no idea what the session content would be today.  John is clearly not out of ‘work to do’ yet with me.  He took me to a very very calm and safe place and then ‘shut the door and told me a story.’ Powerful stuff – clever intuitive man.

Friday 18th March – I am going to see Derek Jacobi in King Lear tonight with a friend and I am so so looking forward to it.  It is one of my favourite plays and I love Shakespeare.  Yesterday’s session has been with me all day and I noticed for the first time whilst sitting there in John’s chair that I was not actively remembering everything he said.  Usually I make notes in my head and write it up afterwards – this time I sat and became lost in the Story.  How interesting.  and very relaxing indeed – the feelings and smells were intense.  I can recall them in a second.  A good place to be.

Saturday 19th March – I had a brilliant time last night.  I made sure I left early to collect my friend and sat for 15mins reading my new book.  She is completely lovely and always on time thank goodness and we left on the dot of 6.30pm to go to the theatre to see King Lear which was outstanding.  Derek Jacobi was breath taking – yes,  clearly I enjoyed the performance – and it was a very good evening indeed in excellent company finished off with a John recording as usual.  I was up early again this morning to go and sell / help at the nearly new sale in town which meant daddy had to boy sit again – I found myself writing him a list beginning with ‘ you need….’  I actually smiled at myself and threw away the list ( I never would have left without  leaving a ‘helping hand’  list for him pre-John ),  Daddy will manage on his own and if it is not done the way I usually do it the world will not stop turning.  HOW relaxing …….           I left early again and read my book for 20mins – what a pleasure – and then enjoyed the freedom of the sale.  It was and always is good fun and I love a bargain – I always spend what I make.  It’s more like a recycling of toys sale for me.  A lovely lovely day again – what a release John has given me,  or rather ‘shown me how to find.’ Perfect.  However he is away in two weeks time and it’s on my mind already. I’ll have to find something appropriate to do. Life is good.

Sunday 20th March – I went to the monthly family service this morning at Church with my boy.  My session with John last week was profound and Church connected me right back to it immediately.  I have looked at my religious beliefs from a different angle since meeting John and Thursday gave me peace ( I will say it again,  clever clever intuitive man ) which helped me rest today in Church.  I know where I am now – as with many things,  John tweeks stuff and the result is a pleasure.  Such small tweeks and such often big changes.  We enjoyed a lovely Service and there were a few children there who played up and down the Church and in and out of the pews – their laughter and chatter gave the Church a ‘this is how it should be’ feeling – everyone there commented.  And when the Service started they all sat down quietly and played with small toys or drew pictures ( I am a walking creche – my handbag is a Tardis ).  Then everything was frantis again at the end over coffee drinks and biscuits.  It was perfect – just right in every way.  In prayer my session rested well with me,  very very well indeed.  Then I met my sister for late tea and dropped her back to the station – she was visiting a friend in bEdford and we were her last stop before home.  She looks great – relaxed and happy.  A good day.

Quote that I enjoyed from my last book – Yapko : ‘ Resistance to change is a basic feature of mankind. We spend so much of our lives trying to build a ritualized pattern of behaviour so to expend the least amount of physical and mental energy,  and after developing such a pattern we complain of being stuck in a rut.’ No comment necessary.

I add here that I have not had a drink for two weeks – and I have no interest in having one.  I consider myself ‘vented.’  I also have to say that if venting has this affect,  I am almost looking forward to the next one (!).

Monday 21st March – I had a lovely day today.  I invited myself and my boy over to a friends for coffee this afternoon and she sent back such a lovely text to say yes.  So I got jobs done this morning and then spent this afternoon with her – she is such a down to earth real person and I consider myself fortunate to have her friendship.  She is easy and funny and bright – it was a good afternoon.  Infact it was a good day – the point being that Monday for years has been spent with swimming lessons in the morning followed by a mad dash home to bath etc and then lunch and something else pm.  I finally decided to stop the lessons since we had hit a plateaux and now Mondays feel like a holiday day – I am still getting over the not having to get up early and dash somewhere routine and more relevantly the ‘ routine’ of Mondays.  It is refreshing to have a choice as to what to do on a Monday now – more refreshing than I anticipated.  So,  an interesting thing to ‘ break down.’  I do feel recharged today and clean – no alcohol for over two weeks makes such a difference.  Life is just wonderful.  I guess living it a bit before meeting John was / is important : the journey to where I was 6 months ago has made the journey now so life changing.  I guess the compare and contrast aspect is vital.  I’m glad I m here and I’m glad I have my history too.

Tuesday 22nd March – off to hair dressers tonight which is always a treat so early blog.   I have to smile at myself now quite often – I rarely watch anything on TV as I am reading reading reading however we do record House and we watched it last night.  We watched an episode on the Friday evening when I lost the plot / vented and I remember talking all the way through it about how relevant the main thread was to where I am on my journey – namely the concept of ‘Alone.’ I made my hubby keep it on our planner / tv so I could watch it again when sober.  I know I drove him potty that night going on and on about what it meant / why / how etc etc and my general over enthusiasm and excitement.  SO,  we watched another episode last night and I got completely engrossed in the same sub plot ( Alone – again ).  Not drinking gives me a clarity of mind and throughout the episode it was as if I was flicking backwards and forwards points of reference in my mind that backed up my thoughts.  Like breaking down a play for A level and going back over characters and story lines and time lines to get the full picture ( which I always enjoyed very much indeed ).  I never got into the tv programme 24 as I struggled with the format – the breaking down of the screen into smaller parts all of which had moving images – however I had that ‘screens with different stuff going on’ pictures in my mind last night watching House.  I did overflow at one point and just could not resist commenting about something,  and hubby just looked at me with that ‘ don’t start’ look and said ‘ Do you want me to keep this one as well ??’ He is resigned to my constant enthusiasm now which is amusing.

So it was a good episode,  I very much enjoy House and I am enjoying running through what I can remember of the new series in my head when I have spare moments linking relevant themes.  It’s a lot of fun and mainly possible because I am not drinking - I am enjoying not drinking and the clarity of mind it gives me.  I find myself actively thinking a lot now - retrieving stuff and enjoying the process.  AND more importantly,  trusting my subconscious to store stuff and then retrieve it at a later date.  It’s a bit more relaxing than actively trying ( ooh… that TRY word – not a good word ) to retain information and checking it is still there constantly.  Best to put it there and trust it will still be there whenever I need it.  I love this stuff ( and Gregory House isn’t bad either ! ).

Wednesday 23rd March – I have been completely and nicely distracted today.  I have been unable to focus on too much for too long and without any care particularly at all.  I did not sleep well last night for some reason – usually I sleep exceptionally well – even after John’s Sleep recording.  I found myself awake and not tired at all and just enjoying the silence.  Nothing was running round in my head so it was not stressful,  infact it was nice to just lie in the dark and listen to stuff .  I almost got up and read my book,  however I resisted the temptation.  I do not think I have ever struggled to get to sleep and actually not cared and enjoyed instead the ‘ me time’ as it felt.  Today has been much the same.  I have worked until now and done a lot of stuff but I came to a natural break at lunchtime and instead of eating lunch emailed my hubby’s Aunt who spent the weekend working ( she is a recently qualified therapist ) with a mother and daughter with chronic problems. I was keen to know how she had gone on and wasn’t hungry – which is a bit strange since I skipped dinner last night to get to my hairdressers early evening and breakfast was my usual two bananas.  Anyway – just a physiological comment.  We had a very interesting chat and I enjoyed the conversation immensely – chatting in the middle of a working day ( John would be pleased ).  I have no interest in working much more this afternoon so have decided to stop wandering around my desk / office shuffling papers and instead write my comment – now – and then file my papers and go and find a quiet spot near my boys nursery in the sunshine and read my book.  A ‘ power holiday.’  Hubby out til late tonight as he’s working in London today so I’ll get another good reading session in tonight and then John tomorrow.  I can feel the induction already I just love it when I turn into his road and knock on his door and sit down in the chair and STOP.   Nobody wanting anything…………

7.11pm – it has been a very very calm day indeed.  maybe the lovely sunshine was a part of my mood. I have felt rested and open and accepting.  I have had several ‘just standing still and breathing’ moments – drinking in the present. I did get slightly lost in the end of Sleep last night – it drifts for what seems like quite a long time however is more likely just a few minutes.  But in my always relaxed state the time lengthens.  So I got completely lost in those last few minutes on the recording and if I had to say how I have felt today it is exactly as I felt last night for those few minutes.  Calm,  peaceful and connected to the rest of the universe. It was and is a good place to be.   Off to read now in total silence – hubby in London and driving back late and my boy in bed early for once.  John tomorrow.  AND – I nearly forgot – I don’t wear any make up now on a Thursday and now that I have almost got over the shock / experience it’s wonderful in so many ways – one being that I just get up in the morning,  wash etc and get on my way.  It’s so relaxing not to have to go through the whole make up thing and also I had not realised how much I touch it up in the day.  A bit like not wearing a watch and realising how much you in the past have glanced at it.  Fascinating .

Thursday 24th March – John day – lovely.  It always is and now that I have been having sessions for so long it is a constant wonder what we will work on next. He never disappoints and today was no exception – a big smile,  an open and then closed door and peace at last for a few precious hours. The sessions are worth so much more than the time they occupy. A family friend who is a therapist said carefully when I spoke to her yesterday that perhaps John being away for a week and thus me missing a session was a good opportunity for me to see if I could ‘ go it alone – something that she empowers her clients to do.’  I told her that I am so enjoying the journey and each session provokes such thought that until I start feeling bored or think they are losing momentum,  I’m in for the long haul.  And of course it links in very nicely with my course – when it starts.  My reading has already given me an insight and the sessions are as interesting and powerful to me on a personal growth basis as they are from a ‘ therapist in training’ point of view.  John’s subtle anchoring  and body language and verbal communication ( and non-communication ) are just a few of the things I enjoy and think about after the session ( and write up – I have a notebook full of stuff from our sessions ) and ofcourse his Stories.  And – not to forget - the ability to cope with the on going business rot that still faces me daily. It was and is a good day. Off to read again now as hubby away again til late in London. New book is challenging and scientific which is an interesting change.

Friday 25th March – I had a difficult lunch today with a very close friend who has just had her daughter diagnosed with Aspergers.  She is just such a lovely lady and lovely family and they are all finding things a bit tough right now.  She has finally got the help she needs and I pick out only one thing from our conversation for the sake of my blog : the lady who came out to their house as support has two daughters with Aspergers and has made a committment  to helping others in a similar situation and also teachers and other supporting roles.  My friend said the lady was so wonderful and finally gave her confidence that the family will all cope.  The lady spent some time in their house watching the daughter and various routine interactions and said afterwards that it was evident there was a lot of fear present in the daughter and resentment and anger namely towards the parents who she feels fault it is that she has Aspergers – in the duaghter’s mind the parents took her to the doctors and therefore the diagnosis / label is their fault ( the ‘ everything was all right before you interfered’ thought pattern).  I found this profound.  I’m glad my friend has the support she and her family feel they need expecially in the early stages of implementing new strategies and proceedures for coping / living.  Thankfully the daughter is exceptionally bright and apparently once she accepts her diagnosis the prognosis is very good indeed.  It was a tough lunch however I was very happy to listen and grateful she felt she could off load to me.  The rest of the day was spent in the park – which was wonderful.  As always,  a good good day.

Saturday 16th March – An excellent friend invited me and my boy late yesterday afternoon to Thomas Land today : my past response would be to say no immediately as the ‘ spur of the moment’ thing was not me.  However – and I’m not saying I did not dither however at least the thought process was conscious and John influenced – We said yes and went today.  And there was no stress – who cares if I forget something for the picnic / clothing / anything….. it’s a Theme Park in the UK !!!!! for goodness sake,  they will sell everything .  I smile and laugh at myself very often these days.  We had a great day – a GREAT day.  What a lovely way to live. and what a good friend

Sunday 27th March – I have had a very good distraction over the last few days centered around what I will do on Thursday to replace my session whilst John is away.  Various things poppoed into my head – take the two hours off work as usual but instead read my most recent book in the complete silence of home ( nice ),  be nosey and go and see the other therapist that works out of Buckingham ( that one flew into my mind and out the other side for a huge amount of reasons ) and then today it came to me – it bubbled up as John would say.  So I know what I am going to do – I’m enjoying the refining of it and it’s a good distraction.  And John will like it

Monday 28th March – Monday again – and it always seems like a day off since we gave up swimming lessons at 9.30am a few weeks ago.  It is so refreshing and lovely just to have a day that used to be so hectic now free to do as we please.  I threw the doors open and made Mother’s Day cards with my boy today which was a lot of fun and very very nice and good.  then went to a friends for the afternoon to play in her garden.  A lovely lovely clean refreshing happy happy day – the sunshine is good.

Tuesday 29th March – I had to go to the doctors this morning as I have been getting some stomach cramps that just will not go away despite all my best John tools.  So I thought it best to get it checked out.  What was fascinating was I inevitably told the Doctor about John and he immediately asked if ‘ he did that pendulum tool thing’ and ‘ do you remember everything afterwards / do you hear what he says when you are in a trance ?’ I smiled to myself ,  paused and then heard myself say ‘ well – he is not particularly traditional in that sense although he may use pendulums and tools with other clients.  With me he just relaxes me and tells me lovely relaxing stories that are relevant to my week and my therapy – and they are generally not amnesic.’  I amazed myself at my own succinctness.  And then something else that interested me was that I am not good at blood tests at all and normally I would have felt obliged to say ‘ I am not good at blood tests,  in fact I have been known to faint.  So best to not tell me anything about what you are doing and instead just get on with it and talk to me about anything – if you can’t think of anything,  trust me I will fill the void.’  However – now ( good John word ) – it did not bother me at all.  I’m not saying I watched.  He drew the blood and we talked and that was that.  also – normally I would feel very faint afterwards and even thinking about it throughout the day would make me shiver and goose pimply and I never had the plaster on because I could not bring myself to pull it off later without the entire process flooding back.  Today – no problem.  No aftershocks,  no problem with the plaster – I’ll take it off later.  Funny how I used to get myself all wound up before and during and after the procedure – now,  now, ( that word again ) it’s just something I did in the day.  Perfect.  And so relaxing in so many ways.  Off to a board meeting this afternoon with my very nice and amusing business partner – always a good meeting even if the news is bad ( which it is not  today ). He is clever and inspiring.

7.20pm – I had a very good and amusing meeting.  I also just got my boy ready for bed and took off my plaster from my blood test ( without any bad emtions bubbling up ).  AND there was no bruise.  I always bruise badly after a blood test.  I actually remember thinking consciously before the test and also at the time of it to relax and let the blood flow to that area.  More often in the past the nurse or whoever has had to ‘ look at the other arm in case the vein is better there as I do not have easy veins.’ I remember this time the vein being pronounced.  May all be rot of course,  however the physiology/ therapy aspect suits my thoughts today and will serve well for the future.  I read last night about self confidence which included a lovely quote that went along the lines of ‘ self confidence is much more about accepting and understanding our weaknesses and strengths as opposed to our unrealistic hopes and dreams and expectations of ourselves. ’ Lovely.

Wednesday 30th March – my friend is having a baby today be elective caesarian – I’m waiting for the news now I am also distracted because I am going to use the time I would have spent with John tomorrow to make something.  I have enjoyed thinking about and planning it all week and just deciding what to do in the time has been fun – to try and think of something relevant.  Reading one of my books was an option but when I thought about making / scultpting something it was so much better since one of the places we got to in my mind is an art studio.  I’m going to make something with natural objects and the aim is to start and finish in the time normally spent with John.  So I am distracted and want to start today – I allowed myself 10mins this morning to go and get some good shaped branches on the basis that it may be raining tomorrow ( mmmmm ) and then ended up in the garage finding bits of leather and anything else I could rummage out that might work.  I am now writing my blog and it is 9.21 – that means I have stolen 21mins out of my working day already to do me stuff.  Good.  I am going to enjoy tomorrow morning very much indeed – I have some sacking to use that smells amazing – quite oily and old dust smell ( it is potato sacks that I bought from a traction engine rally last year and they smell as if they lived in with the engine for quite some time – the smell is incredible ). So I am looking forward to smelling them on my fingers and getting the dust under my nails. The smell reminds me of the boat house in my mind that John took me to on one of his stories – a restful place with smells that came straight from my Grandad’s garden shed: oil/ dust/ paint/faint smell of tomatoes.  I’m there now…… however,  back to work now and play tomorrow.  I am sure John would approve

7.14pm and it has taken all my will power all day to concentrate on work and not my scultpture project for tomorrow morning. I am so looking forward to getting home in the morning and breaking up some old necklaces and bracelets that I have found to release their stones.  I was so distracted by males at university that my degree which included art ( majoring in sculpture ) was a bit lost on me – I spent 4 years with my hands in plaster of paris,  hacking at chunks of wood etc etc which was a lot of fun but today would be so much more.  Still – it was a lot of fun.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow and may fiddle tonight – I will miss John.

Thursday 31stMarch – I so looked forward to this morning and I did not wear any makeup today which is now a Thursday thing.  It is quite amazing how lovely it feels – no morning face routine,  no touching up more than I realised I did throughout the day, no taking it off tonight.  And someone clearly made a pass at me today which was an interesting experience since my first reaction was to think ‘ and that was without (!) makeup! ‘ I amuse myself quite often with what I now notice.  I was keen to get home and start my project – I decided to make a wind chime for outside.  It got bigger and bigger and I cut myself to shreds on the chicken wire but the process and the absorption I was aware of were very good indeed.  I was aware half way through that perhaps the finished item was not going to be anything amazing,  I just couldn’t get it to feel right to me.  What was interesting was that despite feeling / knowing it was not my best attempt,  I soldiered on bravely hoping for a miracle – how many times have I done this in my life.  Continued with something for slightly too long before realising perhaps a different tack could be the answer.  I finally ( and I smiled at myself when I had the realisation that I had gone on too long waiting for the miracle ) walked away and had a break then came back and broke the whole thing apart rather ruthlessly and quickly.  There were parts that I liked and parts that had no meaning at all.  I now have a very small wind chime hanging in my office window comprising a few chunks of dark blue crystal and various silver metal pieces and leather strands – the rest has gone into my cupboard in the garage for the future.  It was a good way to spend the morning and I carried on until 1pm.  The process of happily deciding to and accepting that I could break up the piece with no idea what the outcome would be and deciding to work with the outcome when it happened was important – my own therapy. However,  back to John next week the real thing.

I was thinking about my morning whilst driving to collect my boy and I also realised that I found out about the properties of the materials I was using and also the goal I was working towards by ‘ doing.’ The truth being that I was excited to have decided to make a simple wind chime that I thought appropriate for a missed John session however the end result was far too heavy : I got carried away with lovely chunks of crystal and glass and shells and stuff all postitioned using fine threads of wire and chicken mesh.  Far far too heavy and too big – and a bit scratchy ( although I’m sure no birds would have attempted to land on it ).  So the process and what I learned along the way was only possible by ‘doing’ something rather than simply thinking about it.  I’m having fun breaking this down and as always it is a lovely lovely distraction.

Friday 1st April – all my blood tests came back clear today which was very good news indeed except for I am still getting the cramps so I am going to go and see the doctor again on Wednesday just for one final ‘ are you sure there’s no other tests we can do / scan etc etc’ before giving in to the fact that it’s stress and leaving it in John’s hands.  If he can relocate the cramps to my little toe that would be lovely,  since my big toe is full of ticklishness ( I got into hypnosis at school and read that you could move sensations so put my ticklishness in my right hand side big toe.  It worked immediately however my big toe is exceptionally sensitive – fun hey ? ).  So the cramps into my little toe on the opposite foot would be good to give my stomach a rest.  I shared my ‘ responsibility should be spelled response-ability’ quote ( Jill Bolte-Taylor ) with a friend who was most impressed – it’s a favourite of mine.  Also – how could I have waited this long to mention this ???!!!  I watched The Big Blue last night………………………. on my own thank goodness as hubby was in London til late.  It killed me – it is amazing.  I have been thinking about it all day …. so so so wonderful and provocative ( thought provoking – although the bloke is very yummy ). I’m looking forward to sharing my thoughts with John,  and seeing him next week.  A lovely day full of what’s important. and Mother’s Day on Sunday – something at one time I would never have for myself.  Now THAT’s importance and gratitude.

Saturday 2nd April – a lovely day at Nana’s.  I wanted to share a quote from one of my boys cd’s that we play in the car that has been making me smile given that I am just preoccupied with what and how people say stuff now ( which can drive hubby bonkers on occasion in an amusing way ).  Anyway quote ( directions for the traditional Simon Says game ) ‘ if you hear me say simon says do this then do this,  if you don’t hear me say simon says do this,  then don’t do it – sounds easy hey – let’s give it a try…………..’  my head aches every time I hear it and I can almost see a room full of confused children saying ‘so what do we have to do then ??’  great fun – my day tomorrow.

Sunday 3rd April – I have re-discovered a goodJohn tool – I have been having problems with the voices in my mind over the last two or three days as we have an important meeting with our Barrister and legal team on Tuesday and the run up to it is bringing back all the memories and emotions of the last nearly twelve months.  I remembered John taking me to a ‘control room in my house in my mind and giving me the ability to see and hear stuff on three screens but more importantly the ability to turn volume and focus etc up down using a huge mixing desk and so on.’  This has been exceptionally useful and I have noticed how I can actually smile/ laugh when I turn up the voices to full volume and see people straining to be heard against my indifference – the expressions on their faces being also amusing.  Also their expressions when the volume is turned off and they clearly see that I cannot hear them and much more do not care and have chosen not to listen to them.  And turning it up and down quickly as almost a tease to them that I may be inclined to listen for a fraction of a second.  It has been very powerful indeed,  and has developed from what it was months ago when I first visited the control room with John.  I guess my subconscious has had time to play with the concept.  I’ve enjoyed breaking it down – and it has given me detachment which has been sorely needed.  So well done John again.  Oh – and I did the month without alcohol.  I had a drink on Saturday and will have one tonight,  but will be back off it for a month again from tomorrow.  I like the discipline.  And there was no venting this time – just enjoying a drink – which was inevitably whisky.  I’m looking forward to Thursday very much.  It’s been longer than two weeks in my head. My most recent book it excellent – and it is a challenge as it is totally scientific and a contrast to everything read to date.  I guess that is why they have chosen it as course material. For example they are less than enthusiastic or complementary about Erickson ( who I have completely connected with ) and his techniques saying at one point that his results were written by him in glowing terms,  he had no laboratory coroboration and could be seen to be a tad fanciful and the following / hero worship he has amassed is beyong belief ! I like a good debate and look forward to working with this on the course. and there is no such thing as the subconscious and conscious……. and woe betide the newly qualified therapist who gets out of their depth very quickly trying to present the fact that there is………. it is merely a matephor as is  the id/ego/superego ( Freud ) and the child part / adult part and parent part ( Rogers ).  I LOVE this stuff. more tonight.

Monday 4th April – I have not had any stomach cramps yesterday or today which is very strange indeed and I have been very aware of them ‘ not being there.’ Either drinking whisky helps (!),  or eating pineapple ( which I had forgotten I enjoyed so much until I went to hubby’s mums on Saturday and I nearly ate an entire one ) or maybe the turning up / down/off routine is proving effective – I have also decided to turn the voice of me off in my head which is brilliant and very funny.  When I start to talk to myself ( about the business rot ) I turn the voice off with a ‘remote.’  And even see myself continuing talking with no sound coming out – it works for me.  Anyway – big meeting tomorrow with Barrister and legal team.  I feel we are finally creeping closer to the end which will be a relief whichever way it turns out.  I want it over.  No alcohol or a month now – I like this.  Reading tonight – and John Thursday

Tuesday 5th April – busy day today with early start and never easy because it focussed on the business rot however it’s done now and I’ll be glad to get back into my own office / world tomorrow.  I was aware of tension in my belly that I could not put my finger on the reason for – and then I realised that I felt I had lost a day of my own work to the business rot,  so I managed to get my boy into an extra day this week at nursery so that I can catch up.  That released the tension.  I didn’t have any stomach cramps today – which is amazing given the day I have had.  It is so lovely not to have them and I am curious that they have simply disappeared.  Who knows – and I’m grateful.  I am so looking forward to my session on Thursday – it has felt like ages.  I am so looking forward to stopping….. nobody wanting anything…… a few hours of peace and calm and me.  I want to just drop like a stone and stay there for a while listening to something nice. ‘nobody wanting anything’  how lovely is that ?? John has so many incredible words that live with me and support me – so many anchors.  So clever and subtle.  Thursday is the day after tomorrow – thank goodness….. I know ( John ) I’m too needy

Wednesday 6th April – I am trying to think of something relevant to write tonight and I guess it is this: John has shown me how to break down emotions and feelings and this very much helped yesterday when I realised I could alleviate pressure by simply booking my boy into nursery for an additional day.  Just pausing and working through something rather than simply worrying is an important tool.  So I have been rleaxed today and productive in the office.  And of course it has been a lovely day – so good to be able to open windows.  I walked the dustbin up to the top of our lane this afternoon and then stopped on the way back and closed my eyes and just breathed up the Earth from my feet to my head and then drew the Sun back down through my head to my feet.  It was amazing – just to stop and be part of something,  an entire Whole.  Hubby late back tonight so I will read in my own quiet space – lovely.  And John tomorrow – it has been too long.  too needy by far – who cares ! I keep repeating ‘ nobody wanting anything……..’ it’s so lovely just to close the door and stop for while.

Thursday 7th April – John today – thank, thank goodness.  I cannot say enough times how powerful it is for me to know that I can turn into his road,  park,  knock on the door,  go in and sit down and close the front and office doors behind me.  I enter a world of ‘ Stop’ and for the time I am there everything is so relaxing.   No phones / no internet / no post / no computer / etc etc etc and nobody wanting anything.  Just a real ‘ brakes on and rest.’ I recharge myself. and the recharge then affects everything after I leave – I can deal with stuff so very much better than I used to pre-John.  My auntie is curious as to why I still go and see John and her point is ‘ you should have strategies in place by now to be able to go it alone’ however nothing is ever that simple.  And I have bought into a lifestyle now – a life change .  I want to live this stuff which John told me a long time ago takes time .  So it’s a great journey – today’s session was amazing.  He provokes thought and emotion and clearly has not run out of ideas yet.  I spent the entire afternoon in my office trying very hard not to get distracted or to wander into my garden and look for stones ( homework assignment ). I do not know how I ( and hubby – he says he gets second hand therapy for free ! ) would have coped with  everything that is still going on with the business rot without John.  I’m glad he is back – it was nice to listen to him talk about what had clearly been a good break for him. A lot of John time. I wonder what goes on in that wise head sometimes - I’m sure he enjoys Stopping as well.  A good good day. And I told him how much I ‘felt’ the Big Blue – a wonderful film and  good reminder of where I want to be…..and what’s important.

Friday 8th April – I have felt on another level today.  Completely connected with everything.  I was productive in my office and managed to get to a point where I left early to collect my boy and gave myself time to stop in Buckingham near the river to do my assignment John has given me.  I have been thinking about it since he gave it to me yesterday and I put a lot on paper today.  It is a brilliant assignment and has come at a good time – John has yet to run out of ideas and infact each one seems so different from the last yet comes back in the end to the same strong themes.  I am layering thoughts and feelings and new ways of thinking together and i’m not going to say my head spins sometimes,  as it doesn’t.  However it does feel like it is Growing – the entire process is calm and gentle.  even the wow moments are calm and quiet.  I love this so much.  I had a wonderful time down by the river writing my thoughts down on paper and rolling stones round in my hand  and often pausing and waiting for new stuff to bubble up into my mind.  Trusting that if there was anything there,  it would bubble up … which is so much more relaxing than actively trying to think.  I have learned to trust myself which is very powerful indeed and that in turn rolls round my complete lack of interest in Fear.  I am hoping that Fear is becoming a thing of the past… it is dabilitating and crushing and a sneaky little sh*t.  It creeps up on you and causes such harm.  So Fear is now a thing of the past.  I Accept everything now and Trust myself in any situation. I live in a different way now and it’s a good place to be.  I have had a good day and a good week.

On another note – biggest day in my year tomorrow.  no one rings / calls / speaks to me tomorrow – even hubby knows he is well beaten.  I completely love the Grand National and hubby has promised to be out of the house by 12lunchtime with my boy and back after or just as the race goes off.   I take it very seriously indeed and have usually had a bottle of wine before 1pm.  none of that this year – infact no alcohol at all.  I don’t need or want it – the only thing I need I have within……….  I love this stuff.  I shall enjoy tomorrow a lot.

Saturday 9th April – I am gutted ( well,  not really ) I had the worst year ever on the Grand National today.  I take it very seriously indeed and have been very successful over the years.  I do not rely on ‘luck’ however I think my Grandad ( passed away ) holds my hand( anyway – that helps me with his not being here anymore ) so I have done very well in the past .  As a young child I watched horse racing with him on an old black and white TV.  just him and me and his chair and listened to his sailing stories ( he was a Captain of an oil tanker ).  It is a vivid memory and a good one.  Back to The National : Today I got nothing at all !!!!! nothing which is unheard of.  My hubby was under strict instructions to take my boy out for the afternoon and I settled down to enjoy the build up and the race.  I get completely over excited and quite uncontrollably tearful ( bizarre I know ) as the start gets closer,  it is an emotional day for me no doubt reinforced by years of it being like this and my now level of expectancy.  I just love it – I get very very excited and tense in a good way.  And as they go ‘ off ‘ I am beside myself with emotions of all types. So to not get even a finisher this year was a strange experience for me.  But the afternoon was not lost and I buzzed for a long time afterwards just off the emotions of the run up etc. I have mentioned that I can be quite shaky after sessions with John – I guess when my emotions are powerful, they manifest themselves with shaking,  like a power source has been awakened within. It’s great – who needs anything else.  John said that whilst he was away he found at one point that he could not speak for three hours – I get it or at least can connect in my own way with what he said.  I could be right there in that emotion  I sometimes like the ‘ Stop’ thing so much and sometimes feel that I hardly need to breath when I have dropped like a stone to one of John’s stories.  And I am aware of it in my own time as well – it happened today.  Just to stop and connect and hardly breath. It’s amazing.  Bandler says he can slow his heart rate down to an almost dangerous level.  Great – I’m in.  Not for dangerous reasons ofcourse – but just to be able to relax to such a complete level.  I wrote more stuff with my stones last night- I am totally enjoying this one. I had a few wow moments last night and can’t wait to share them with John.  Just amazing – how stones can become so much.  I am clearly in a very very good place at the moment – AND have not worn make up since my session on Thursday.  However I have not felt I ‘had/ needed’ to as I have not had any meetings etc – now THAT would be a test of the mask.  Mmmm… I’m going to ponder that one.  Brilliant,  just great – I love this……………

Sunday 10th April – No make up again today by choice and the experience is unusual.  It is raw. ( From someone who always puts make up on in the morning ) I look at myself at the moment and see someone very secondary.  The way I look with make up is the way I see myself in my mind. And I have grown comfortable and confident with it,  however not wearing makeup makes me wonder how much of a prop / mask it is ? quite a big one.  It provides a projection of what I thought had got me everywhere I wanted to be / it opened the doors / it got me noticed / it gave me confidence and what I thought to be an ‘extra edge’ in places. However,  it’s a fragile thing since I have come to realise through John that actually all that confidence and big smile is trying to protect someone quite different and often the slightest hint of disapproval will send me internally crashing.  So if everything thing I pinned on my look has not been achieved by it,  and infact perhaps I could have got just as far without it,  where am I now………….. ????? Or where could I have been if I had not hidden behind the mask and instead trusted my inner self ??? I suspect this will stay in my thoughts for a while.  How curious and interesting – and all the more safe to think about and consider given that I can now do it in a dissociated way.  I have felt a different person since Thursday- clearly the same me,  but – ok ( I just got it and it has been bugging me all week ) The Authentic Me.  Now that was a wow moment as I wrote that.  I’m going to sit with my stones now in the garden.  The Authentic Me.

Monday 11th April – I have had a wonderful and peaceful day.  I am certainly on a different level.  I took my boy for a picnic down by the river today and then we went on to a friends for coffee and play.  It was just lovely – the picnic was time together and we spent a lot of it just listening to sounds and watching the waterfall sat on the steps. No hurry or rush – nobody wanting anything.  And I was very very aware today of my myself and more specifically feet being solidly connected to the ground and the wider ‘universe.’ John has anchored my feet several times and the two specific times I can recall right now were amazing and I was aware of the sensations and emotions powerfully today.  total peace and calm and huge connectivity.  I was bbqing last night and stood in the sunshine with only myself and the world for company – we are all part of the same stuff.. even when we pass we simply become part of a wider revolving picture… earth to stone or gas or whatever,  it all goes round and round with only the ‘ how we are representated / in what form’ that changes.  I am so calm.  No make up again today and it feels very real.  I have a fab day tomorrow planned with my bonkers and lovely business partner – up to Stoke on business then early dinner and tickets for the Utd match.  Another boys day out – can’t wait.  It was so much fun last time. I will not write tomorrow as I will be out at 7.15am and not back til past midnight.  Life is good – very good. I will not be able to not wear makeup tomorrow.

Wednesday 13th April – it was so late when I got back last night that even I resisted writing my blog.  I had a wonderful day.  I dropped my boy off at nursery early and got to the hotel where my business partner was picking me up from with plenty of time to have a coffee and read a few chapters of my latest book.  It was such a pleasure.  And buzzy as there were other business people sat in the lounge chatting / working etc and it was fun to be there.  Our meetings went well and we then crawled through traffic as the M6 was closed / A500 jammed up / A50 snails paceetc etc .  It was an interesting experience as historically I would have been temped to fill the gaps in conversation, however not now.  Actually there were not many gaps as we get on very well indeed,  he is funny and clever and good company – and he makes the effort.  It was good to be able to not speak at times and enjoy the pause,  and also to hear and listen to what he was saying and what we were both saying and weave the conversation.  It’s an active process for me.  We dumped the car near the Man Utd ground and jumped a cab into town and had a very good meal in a small Italian restaurant.  I ate well – I have not eaten ‘rubbish’ food for so long and enjoy the control I have over my eating.  I no longer consider not having something as  a restriction.  In fact that thought process only ever existed before I met John : john’s weight loss hypnosis recordings reframed my thought processes immediately and perfectly.  My best friend who is doing very nicely on a diet was talking to me the other day and said that she was going out late and then eating with friends at midnight and that she was looking forward to eating chinese or Indian and would find it very difficult indeed – in fact impossible – not to eat that late and that type of food since she wanted to eat it.  I found myself relishing the fact that I would enjoy actively choosing not to eat that late but instead taking something in the car to eat early ( healthy ) and then sitting with friends in the restaurant later at midnight actively and enjoying not eating – just having a pot of nice jasmine tea all to myself. I am very much enjoying the control over my eating – I suspect I am also enjoying the attention it is getting.  My partner and I grabbed a sandwich for lunch yesterday – infact the bar lady misunderstood my order and brought me a hand sandwich as opposed to a ham salad.  I proceed to ask for a fork and to pull out deliberately and carefulyl the contents of the sandwich and eat them,  leaving the bread.  My partner was most amused.   The same was true in the evening over dinner – I had two starters as  a main course,  no carbohydrate at all and no alcohol.  It provoked a bit of banter again. We then went to the match and it all went completely crazy – a brilliant game and more importantly a win.  Lots and lots of shouting and jumping about and ecstatic hugging.  And on the way back we stopped for coffee at services – I would have found this difficult in the past.  To randomly stop for a coffee when hubby was at home awaiting my return – my head would normally have said ‘ just get home – you’ve been out all day and it’s late.’  Not now – and anyway hubby would have not problem with me stopping for as long as I liked to have a coffee.  Just come home safe having had a good time.  So,  we stopped for a coffee,  wandered round Watford Gap for a few mins which was quite an eery experience since it was nearly midnight,  a lot of it was closed,  chairs on tables,  cleaning staff quietly doing their job,  random people walking round like us or on phones : I would have liked to have sat there on my own for a while and just ‘feel’ the Services.  Interesting.

I’m so looking forward to tomorrow – as always.  My stones project has been fascinating and a friend’s response also very interesting.  I will finish my latest book tonight hopefully – it has been an excellent read.  Course starts in May.  Lovely

oh and I did wear make-up yesterday. I came to the conclusion that I like myself with make-up and also without it,  the choice is mine. I became preoccupied with the thought that when other people see me without make-up,  what will they be thinking – am I ill,  tired,  stressed and can’t be bothered,  not making the effort etc etc which is quite interesting since I am sure most people would not notice and even if they did they would simply think ‘ she’s not got any make-up on today’ rather than having an entire  internal dialogue with themselves about me – again,  interesting. I also thought that I wore it yesterday out of respect for the meetings I was due to have and out of respect for my partner ie. I ‘dressed up’ for the meetings and for him.  so,  no make-up means I don’t care !???? or don’t respect the people I am with – again,  interesting.  I’ll continue to ponder this one.  Work now – John tomorrow.

Couldn’t resist a last note : it’s 7.30pm and my boy has just gone to bed.  Hubby in London til late and I am about to eat and settle down to the last few chapters in my book.  Peace at last…… and John tomorrow. Wednesday evenings are very anticipatory,  since I now know that I will enjoy the evening tonight very much and then listen to a recording in bed – probably Sleep again tonight.  And knowing that I am not going to have to put on make-up tomorrow is great – its so much easier in the mroning.  Up / wash / get ready and out : hey diddle diddle  all the way to nursery and then my own music ( James Blunt at the moment over and over again – I love the cd – and Moulin Rouge sound track which I listen to very loud indeed . It’s a favourite film of mine and the music and harmonies are strong. It is quite surprising that Ewan McGregor ( that can’t be the correct spelling – who cares ) and Nicole Kidman have such lovely voices together .  I know all the words.  Anyway … I am getting lost in the emotion….. I shall listen to it all the way to John’s then as I am always early ( no surprises there ) I will sit and read for a bit.  I’m in the induction phase right now,  right where I want to be….. here,  in a beautiful place………….

Thursday 14th April – John day today.  He caught me off guard today twice.  Whenever he starts the session as soon as we sit down it unnerves me but in an ‘ I’m the Therapist ‘ way.  I generally flounce in and have a flood of stuff to share with / talk at John when I arrive and eventually after a few minutes I calm down.  So when John starts the session immediately it takes a certain amount of determined control on his part and I enjoy the challenge – sort of a therapist v client reset power fight. It stops me in my tracks and for once in my life I shut up and listen.  This is a direct Stop as opposed to the gentle Stop that I normally feel as I sit down and relax. I guess this is why my sessions are so powerful – if John was someone I know that was trying to help as opposed to a relative ( I have been seeing him weekly for 8 months so not such a stranger anymore ) stranger then I would dominate and control / with John the role is reversed when he chooses to exert the right and my response is different than that to a relative or friend.  So – I Stop and shut up. and wait.  Ofcourse there is always the long pause and silence which I immerse myself in.  Then off we go and today was so strong.  An anchor in a feeling – so so strong.  My recent awareness of connectivity was complete and the moments were as if time had stopped.  In the Big Blue the main character says of Free Diving : it’s like Falling not Slipping…. and you need to have a reason to come back ‘ in other words right down there just for those incredible moments its so good,  so ‘being’ that stuff outside that place is a hard thing to go back for.  In the end……… well,  I’ll not spoil the film. Buy the film – although you should be able to guess the ending now . John once told me that he got to such a good place whilst meditating outside of himself and could look back – he scared himself by the feelings and ended the moment. I am beginning to know and feel and want to have these ‘ being’ moments.  ‘I AM’ as I have written before.

Anyway – that was not the only time John caught me out today.  We had started something last week which I continued at home.  It was a brilliant exercise that broke up and started again and then reformed and then became something else… and John used it today. Again,  if he had not been my therapist I would not have gone along with his suggestion ( he said he knew the direction would be hard for me ) however I did it and to be honest a part of my world burst into tiny pieces for a while.  I could have sat and cried and cried in a good way – a release way.  I kept it together because I actually was curious about the impact it was having,  so I rode the emotions.  It was amazing and I am right there now with it.  And it will stay with me.  Clever clever man.  I struggle to find words sometimes and right now I’m a bit lost in the emotion of all this – my journey is so so strong and changing and I am grateful beyond belief that I met John. Everything has not so much changed as ‘become’ and’grown.’ and is Growing and becoming. I ‘be’ and ‘am’ and the effect is not possible to put into words. A good day – a very good day.

Friday 15th April – I am in danger of a long and flowing and wandering blog tonight as I have been in deep thought all day.  I am going to summarise since I have made notes and more notes and more notes for myself in my book.  So in brief : I selected three stones that represented me to me and thought about them,  played with them,  rolled them around,  looked at them indivdually,  collectively,  spread apart and also randomly selectedly them in turn : the power of the exercise was incredible.  I wrote loads and felt loads and it was as if my mind was bursting with that star dust stuff I used to buy as a child and sprinkle on my tongue to feel it popping and fizzing with the odd monumental crack.  With John on Thursday he told me to bury the past me stone in his garden.  And yesterdays blog may have gone some way to expressing my feelings : I did not want to do it,  I did not want to ‘ throw away / get rid of / say goodbye to ….( my thoughts not John’s )’the past me and ofcourse it was very emotional indeed.  On reflection today,  ofcourse I did not throw away / get rid of anything.  Quite the opposite – I put it in a safe place in John’s garden ( WHAT a metaphor !! ).  I have felt protective of it all day and a huge awareness that it is very much part of me and connected to me and part of the person I am and will be.  And I accept it for what it is.  The ‘ protective ‘ element has been quite amazing.  Suddenly anything that I have previously regretted has become something I want to protect – just an incredible reframe. And one that has grown over the last two days – I am looking forward to seeing where this goes.  My other stones ( 2 ) are with me all the time at the moment .  It’s fascinating.  I have to repeat here that I am just blown away with the ‘protective towards’ aspect of this – amazing.  So so clever and gentle as well – and reached by me in my own way via John’s task and a few directed/ suggested pointers.  How ‘John’ to get me to find my own answers. He is a good listener thankfully since my enthusiasm for this is obvious.  Brilliant….. New book tonight : Stress Management’ I almost don’t think I need to read it !!!!

Saturday 16th April – I remain feeling on a different level.  My stomach cramps have completely gone since the blood results showed nothing wrong at all.  John says stress sits in the stomach – right again.  I am calm and relaxed and the weather was perfect today.  I did catch up stuff this morning at home then quick shop ( food ) and off for a walk in the park with my boy.  It has been and remains a good good day ( except Utd lost the Semi Final ! ) and a good life / place to be.  I found myself looking at stones as I was walking today and feeling even more ‘ connected’ to everything / the planet / the universe.  I am loosing it…….. but I’m pleased to say whatever it is I am loosing I am happy it’s being replaced with something so much deeper and profound.  I was chatting with John a few weeks ago and commented that any decision to ‘go and live with a group of like minded people somewhere quiet’ was opting out to which he said ‘ I never opted me in.’  Brilliant – and it has stayed with me.  I probably think of it several times a day.  ‘ I never opted me in’ – amazing the more you think about it.  In the Big Blue the female interest ( Patricia Arquette – good looking sexy lady ) says in temper ’ I am going back to New York ‘ to the diver she has fallen head over heels in love with which I thought was a clever metaphor for ‘ she was going back to live the way she knew/ wanted / understood ’  as opposed to his world which was internal and calm and ‘ nobody wanting anything.’   I’m drifting from New York and I’m finding a much better place………

Mad day tomorrow – Church for the Easter service where I have been asked to read and it will be lovely followed by Passover Service at hubby’s mums in the early evening ( should be Monday but we cheated because of the children and work etc ).  So hubby says I am keeping my feet firmly in both camps.  It will be a good day.  Our Father Who Art in my Heart…………….. that will do nicely.

Sunday 17th April – Church this morning and Passover this evening – a lovely lovely day full of what is important.  Connections to and with the local community and friends and a crazy loud amusing dinner at hubby’s mum’s with family. A lot of listening and a lot of laughs and peace with myself. A perfect day. I was especially pleased for hubby’s mum who is 80 in January and from a generation where Religion and tradition was hugely important – she made a massive effort for today and it went very well indeed- a houseful of children running round looking for hidden Matzo,  conversations riding over other conversations,  the odd ‘ did (s)he really ??! say that’ moments and the Service completely interrupted with the odd bit of parsely hurled at someone.  It was great fun and a perfect family day. The only difference this year was that everyone else left having drunk a bit – not too much - and having eaten far too much and feeling sick.  Me,  I did not drink at all and enjoyed what I ate.  I did not overeat and doubt I have put any weight on at all.  Nice to be in control.

Monday 18th April – not that I am obsessing,  however I do weigh myself everyday.  I am very happy with the weight I have lost and weighing every day maintains a careful eye on it.  So – I did step on the scales this morning and gave myself a hearty pat on the back.  I enjoyed yesterdays dinner very much indeed, ate as I wanted to and did not feel as though I had resisted or denyed myself anything : and this morning I had put on .4 of a lb.  nothing at all.  I am so pleased with myself.  I have often lost weight in the past on various diets ( this from someone who has never carried too much weight ) and the most weight I ever lost was after the birth of my boy. Weight loss has always been a deliberate and hard thing to do and I have always looked towards ‘ the day when I will be at my goal weight so that I can give myself a big treat.’  My life is so very different now.  There is no need for the treat at the end anymore since right here / right now is the treat.  I am living and being and life has expanded.  The weight I have lost since meeting John ( well over a stone and I did not go to him for weight loss ) has been an easy ride.  John has reframed my entire self – I am concerned with the belief that I have been given a body for as long as that may be for and it is my responsibility / or not to make the best of it.  This body is an incredibly wonderful and clever and powerful thing with potential far beyond what I can comprehend,  so the choice is mine and the responsibility is mine to do with it as I see fit.  That thought alone has driven a lifestyle change.  So the weight loss and maintenance is a breeze and a pleasure. John showed me a body computer programme once that starts at the surface and gradually works through to reveal the internal organs and nervous system etc – it had a profound affect on me.

I have felt over the last few days that I am unnervingly calm – except I am not unnerved by it.  Like I am in the eye of the storm with no fear or concern as to what might happen if a gust of wind snatches me.  It’s not a passive feeling – it is active and strong and solid.  No Fear.  It’s an amazing place to be and quite incredible given what is going on with the business rot ( one day soon I will not have to write about it anymore ). I have a day of it on Wednesday and I ‘ care but don’t care’ as John often says.  That phrase is such a release.  I took my boy for another picnic today and he chose to sit by the waterfall again – we had a lovely lovely day.

Tuesday 19th April – I dropped in on John this morning to swop a dvd – it felt like seeing teacher out of school and was a real treat.  I noticed he left the door to the office open when we chatted : does this mean I’m fixed haha ?!! Session Thursday thank goodness – I missed the sit down,  close your eyes… you know how it goes by now ……… let me tell you a story about a beautiful place ……. now……and then…… it is whatever you want it to be ( clearly I am getting a bit carried away ).  Anyway,  it was very good indeed to get an extra John connection in the week.  I’m in court tomorrow and I am more or less not bothered.  Obviously it does bother me,  but I am in control of my emotions and thoughts and stuff – and more importantly I have no fear.  It is such a strong baseline since on that basis I accept that anything that happens we will deal with and I’m certainly not going to worry about it until it happens.  I have done my best,  we are prepared,  I do still have a problem relinquishing control to the Barrister however it’s tough luck.  I’m not able to do his job ( although representing myself – madly – has occured to me and it would be a whole lot cheaper ) so I now have to let him get on with it.  And I have no fear of seeing my hubby’s lunatic business partner.  It had been bothering me the most of anything – however I had a dream a few weeks ago that I sat next to him and was polite and that I did not feel anything at all for him.  It was a powerful dream for me and I anchored the feelings immediately the next morning and have reinforced them since – so that issue has been dealt with.  I am taking my stones with me for support – crazy to say,  however they have become good mates.  If I am losing ‘it’ as I said earlier in my blog,  so be it.  I am very happy to lose whatever the it was and move into where I am right now and will be.  Works for me.  I am grateful for the calmness within and the strength I have found through John – tomorrow and the run up to it would have just been a blur of whisky and fuzzy thoughts and confusion and fear and hate mixed with voices racing through my mind running through endless conversations. I am in control and I am grateful.  Who cares what tomorrow brings – we win either way.  If it goes our way then we win financially and psychologically,  if we lose then at least it is coming to an end ( which means we win as I will be so pleased when it is all over).

A good day.

Thursday 21st April – I did not write last night as it was just too late and I was too tired.  Court was good then terrible then we clawed it back in the afternoon.  So we eat again and got a weight of stuff in our favour – we just have to wait til June now for the main hearing.  As I have said before,  I am grateful for time passing on this whatever the outcome.  On the way back we had a blow out on the motorway.  Which historically I may have been stressed about although I have always been good in a crisis ( people parking badly and lateness for example always affected me much more – pre-John ofcourse ). However we simply pulled over,  got out,  rang the AA who were excellent and sat on the grass bank.  I happened to have my latest book in my bag – stress management – with me.  Quite funny really.  So I sat enjoying the sunshine watching the cars and lorries whizz by without a care in the world.  Infact it was nice and not at all stressful.  Even when it meant that I would be half an hour late collecting my boy from nursery – which took it to half an hour after they closed – I simply accepted that there was nothing I could  do.  I kept them informed, they were lovely and kind and when I got there my boy was helping close down their kitchen.  Everyone was happy.  Amazing.

John session today – I was so pleased as always just to flop into his office and Stop. Close the door – nobody wanting anything – Stop.  Rest. Peace.  I took my stones with me – I had taken them to court as well and they helped immensely.  I rolled one of them round in my hand from the time I left home until we had the blow out on the motorway – and then I put it in my bag for safe keeping.  It was powerful how just holding it my hand blocked out all stress in court.  Except for one moment when I threw a pen at my Barrister ( not out of temper with him – just because we had something I had suspected for ages confirmed ).  Hubby laughed and said I was ‘venting.’ I said John would approve of that.  And he was right ofcourse – it was a release of energy.  I’m sure my Barrister has seen much worse – anyway he’s a good chap and took it well.  He was lucky it was not my stone !  Anyway – a great session with John as always.  He keeps me calm.  Nobody wanting anything.  Lovely.

Friday 22nd April – another brilliant day – infact I wrote brilliant however I am now beginning to feel that I want to soften my emotions to a more even keel.  I use and have used extremes of language and am often quoted as being enthusiastic etc.  Which I have no problem at all with – I was  often the one who got picked in a group to head the team / set something up etc etc mainly because I was generally of the opinion that if I was there for something I may as well get stuck in ( so consequently stuck out ! ).  So I was never ‘backwards in coming forewards’ if you know what I mean.  Anyway – that is an entirely different story / point.  Today I feel I am hoping to soften my language more in the future.  Be more even and calm rather than to extremes.  My recent book suggests that extremes take up a lot of energy and that has an effect on the body and mind ( good and bad of course depending on what is going on ) and that thinking before reacting / speaking just for a few minutes / seconds can calm responses.  I love it and get it.  My best friend has said several times it’s all or nothing with me – something I never thought of as applying to me. But there is a lot of truth in her words and John has ‘kindly ( very amusing )’ agreed.  I’m not so sure I consider it a problem however the stop and think route I like very much.  Jill Bolte Taylor says responsibility should be written response-ability ( I have quoted this at least once before ) and it works for me.

Today is a good day as was yesterday and as will be tomorrow – whatever happens.  No fear,  just acceptance and calm.  Lovely. in fact,  perfect.

Saturday 23rd April – we had such a lovely day.  We went into Buckingham and had a wAnder round the market – which in itself was a treat.  Pre-John I would have been tense as I was with my boy and hubby and would want to ‘ mooch’ round the small stalls but instead feel that I could not as I had to look after my boy who was less than interested or prone to picking everything up.  and I would resent hubby for not looking after our boy.  Ofcourse,  had I asked hubby to look after our boy for 20mins he would have done it,  but I never  considered that option !! I just got myself all worked up wanting to do something but not sorting out doing it.  Incredible.  Anyway – I now simply ask hubby to walk with our boy and I wander off with no guilt or hurry feeling.  When I am finished that will be fine,  and if they need me in the mean time it is up to them to tell me.  If they do not tell me, then how can I know.  He is a grown adult and my boy – trust me – can make himself heard.  So it was a very pleasant wander round followed by a picnic by the river and play at the playground and an icecream later on.  Lovely – nobody wanting anything ( namely no old me putting pressure on me / them ).  Clever John.  I’m off to my mum and dad’s tomorrow for two days with my boy leaving daddy behind to relax.  I’m so looking forward to a few days away and grandma and grandad and aunty are all excited.  Ofcourse I am taking my mp3 player with me ( John ) and my recent book.  A good day

Sunday 24th April – this is a sneaky blog since I can’t resist it.  I am just about to get into the car and go to mum and dads for Easter with my boy leaving hubby at home to rest and recharge his battery.  It has been so nice just to get ready and TRUST myself to take stuff that we need.  previously I would have made endless lists and started packing – for one night – the day before.  That’s not to say I have not got a list – ofcourse I have – however I printed it off the computer this morning and packed and have been completely relaxed.  Hey – in the end we are going to Manchester to my mum and dad’s not outer mongolia !  AND for the first time ever I am not taking any make-up or wearing any.  It is such a lovely and free and soft feeling.  I feel honest and natural and calm.  Interesting and good.  I am ofcourse taking my MP3 player and it will be in my bag that stays clamped to my side at all times – I could not leave it in the car ‘ just in case the car got stolen.’  Mmmm…. I’m sure there is something to break down there but I’ll ponder it on the way.  I’m looking forward to a nice calm trip.

Tuesday 26th April – had a lovely few days with my mum and dad and sister.  very relaxing and stress free infact I did not think about the business rot for the entire time I was there.  I did however start with my first cold in years.  I put it down to the build up to last week in court,  the stress of the morning session and the total relief and contrast of the afternoon.  Just too much for my body – or maybe I have just picked up a cold.  Who knows – I like the stress option.  Anyway – I had a lovely time but as yesterday went on I was aware I was not at my best and driving home I stopped half way for a rest and something to eat and drink which did the trick.  I have been better today but not myself.  I’m going to cook myself a nice dinner now – hubby in London til late – and then make my tiara,  my boys crown ( he has done half of it tonight before bed ) and my Royal Yacht for our village party on Friday.  I love gluing and sticking – guaranteed recovery therapy.

Wednesday 27th April – I woke up feeling much better this morning physically and mentally. Infact I am putting very little  – actually none – pressure on myself to work in my office.  I have a lot of stuff that is pending and there is nothing I can do with it today and also gluing and sticking is more fun.  I realise now that part of the pleasure is the absorption.  So I had a very good morning indeed and then came home and finished my Royal Yacht for the village race on Friday.  I also decided that I will do a bit of work today but take tomorrow off.  I shall see John in the morning – the best – and then do jobs round the house and catch up on bits and pieces so that we can all enjoy the wedding on Friday and the party and a relaxing weekend.  I bumped into a neighbour yesterday in a charity shop – she was looking for stuff for her yacht too – and she said ‘ I can’t wait to see your yacht – is it totally over the top ?!!’ and then she carried on talking.  I smiled so much – her comment was so ‘me before John’ although at times I am still happy to be OTT and amuse myself by watching and breaking it down during and afterwards. It was a funny moment.  Anyway – suffice to say if I do not win race and the best Yacht competition I shall be seeking out the judges.  Competitive and an ‘all or nothing approach.’  I amuse myself continually.

So – John tomorrow and a day off.  Perfect.  He gave me plenty to think about last week.

Friday 29th April – I did not write yesterday as I took a day off which was an excellent and refreshing change.  And it started with my session with John which was incredible.  I have written on countless occasions that he is brilliant and I shall do again today – I have been seeing him weekly for 8 months and he never ceases to amaze me.  He opens up new stuff every week and every session is like the first . He makes an incredible effort and its just one of the many reasons why I enjoy my weekly sessions so much. The rest of the day passed calmly and was a pleasure.  Today we watched the Royal Wedding in the morning and then had a street party and royal yacht race in the afternoon – thankfully for everyone (!!) I won 2nd prize for best yacht.  We did not win the race but we did finish and it is sitting pride of place in my kitchen now next to the china Kate & William cup I won.  It was a brilliant afternoon – even when it poured with rain and thundered we all piled into houses armed with plates and food etc and then started again when the rain passed.  I’m tired now and smiling – a lovely lovely day ( and we did win a prize ! ).  Next challenge Rural Day in August scarecrow competition – I’m plotting already ! Life is good Thursday was brilliant.

Saturday 30th April – I have been aware today that I now wear make-up less than when I don’t wear it and that it has an interesting affect.  I think people will think I am not respecting an invite because I do ‘ not bother’ to wear make-up / they will not think me as attractive / I bump into people in town and think they must surely think ‘ I am ill or stressed or letting myself go’ when they realise I’m not wearing make-up. I have relied on it for so long.  I also believe that ‘ I am where I am because of it.’  However I am gently and very slowly beginning to believe that actually I could have got to where I am now even without make-up / no-one notices when I do not wear it and if they do, it is just an observation,  not an entire ‘ thing’ / and men do not seem to suddenly have stopped talking to me when I do not wear make-up.  Also – today I was aware of something much deeper : that I feel I am ‘growing into’ my new face.  And I’m starting to feel confident with it and moreover freer.  More relaxed and there is something very honest about it.  It’s like I have ‘woken up to reality.’  It is a very strange feeling indeed growing into a face that has hidden behind another one for so long.  John refers to masks and he is so right.  So it’s an interesting time .  I’m in a good place.

Sunday May 1st – How many times now have I written ‘ I love this new life so much.’  I do.  We went as a family today to hubby’s golf club to ‘ play in’ the new Captain and it’s always a smart do.  Before John I would have been full of concerns about what to wear / who to talk to and spare lines of conversation just in case I ran out / leave early so as to be there is plenty of time etc etc etc.  Not now.  I wore what I wanted / did not think at all about conversation / and I did not worry at all about leaving early or on time since it was hubby’s ‘do.’  Me and my boy were ready on time and hubby was not far behind – I had no stresses about what time we left since we would get there when we got there and if we missed the tee off the world would not stop.  It’s just perfect.  We had a lovely time and I am increasingly finding that if I stand in a room quietly - my boy is a good prop and avoids any awkwardness of simply ‘standing there like a lemon’ – people come to me.  I was quite surprised when it first happened months ago however it has become a fascinating process for me.  People do come and say hello and conversation is so much easier than what I used to be like ie. select a victim/  think of something to say and talk at him/her to fill the ‘ conversation space.’  Even hubby says he has noticed the difference.  I am much more relaxed and content – and moreover content with silence and NOT talking.  I think about this a lot – it is one of the most important things that John has given me.  We then went to Nana’s for the afternoon which was excellent as always – she’s a special lady.  As always – a good good day.  Oh – and this made me feel good – when I got to the Golf Club I was met by two very good friends and my lovely business partner who both commented that congratulations were in order.  I was slightly confused only to find that they were amusing themselves greatly by referring to my 2nd place in the best designed yacht competition.  My good feeling was that clearly hubby had been relaying the story to his friends on the golf course.  Made me smile.

Monday 2nd May – I should call my blog today The Pleasure of Thinking.  I have realised that I very much enjoy thinking.  Hubby says I am more analytical than I used to be – he smiles and adds that it is a bit too full on sometimes,  meaning that I rarely accept any comment nowadays,  I am prone to pausing,  thinking and then analysing and breaking down what has been said / suggested until I ‘get’ what was meant.  Which fascinates me and I am so enjoying the process but he says ( nicely and in a fun way ) that there is no such thing as a quick conversation anymore or a throwaway comment.  I am aware that it is a deliberate and conscious process and I am thoroughly enjoying everything about it.  I get completely fixated on stuff now and break it down and deconstuct it until I am content with an answer – or the alternative is sometimes better – to give my subconscious the information I want processed and agree / trust it to continue processing it whilst I do something else.  And then have an agreement with it that it can either come back to me with the answer when it is ready ( no hurry,  just whenever ) or that I will go back to it at a specified time for the answer.  And I TRUST my subconscious that it will act accordingly. NO FEAR. I am hooked on this stuff.  It is so so powerful.  So today was a celebration of the pleasure of thinking : I have broken down the last two episodes of Doctor Who and also last nights House ( I love them both ) and I get so much more out of them than I did before.  Both have top scripts in their own way and both stand a lot of deconstruction and study.  And the results and process is so healthy for me.  I am learning and using my brain.  A good day as always.

Tuesday 3rd May – I turned over the calendar in my office today and the start date of my course is right there in the middle – if they bump the date again I will not be best pleased.  I guess the only thing that has been in my thoughts today was that I drank nearly a bottle of wine last night for no reason at all.  I have barely drunk wine for 8 months – a glass maybe or two of champagne at Christmas and a Barmitzfah that I can remember and a glass at my mum and dad’s over Easter.  I have gone right off it and do not miss it at all.  We have a wine rack full and I have no interest in it.   I blame John ( hehe ) – he was talking to my saboteur character last week which set me thinking since it’s main aim in life for a long time was to take me to the bottle.  And now the character is a bit bored – yes,  that’s a good word – bored.  I can see him now sat cross legged and not happy at all.  So I guess he snook up on me just to prove he can still do it.  I had no reason to drink – it had just been a lovely relaxing weekend and taking Thursday off as well as the Friday made a big difference – I felt like we had been on holiday. So I simply for some reason fancied a glass of wine.  I had no urge to drink whisky.  So I guess I thought I was ‘safe.’  Which if nothing else has amused me today.  It was a very good bottle of wine that my dad had bought me for Christmas coming from an area in France where a book we had shared had been beautifully and powerfully set and I managed to really enjoy the first glass,  the rest went down too quickly and with little finesse.  That’s the news of the day – I have broken it down and now can’t see why I could / should blame John.  So I retract it only a bit of fun anyway.

Wednesday 4th May – today has been an even day and the sunshine is good.  I spent quite a few moments today simply ‘ being. ‘ It is amazing how long a few minutes or even moments can feel when you close your eyes and rest. I made time to read an article today about God written in the Times a few weeks ago which I had saved and addressed the question ‘ Who invented God ‘ as if asked by a child to their father/ mother.  I’m not going to spoil the content as I’m going to give it to John tomorrow – and he will more than likely read this tonight – so my point for tonight is that it is good to make time even in the working day for a few moments of being and a quality bit of text.  The absorption and distraction of both was refreshing.  Thursday tomorrow and John – thank goodness

Thursday 5th May – even writing Thursday has an inductive effect.  I had a wonderful session as always this morning.  We are looking at my needs and when I compare what I considered my needs were before I met John to what they are now I have moved on and grown so much.  Infact I struggled with the question ‘ what are your needs ?’ I had to really think as my knee jerk reaction was that I didn’t need anything anymore.  Then I realised that I was having issues with the word ‘need’ as in was I ‘needy?’  So I broke it down and I am not needy in the sense of external things anymore.  Clearly I need to eat / pay the bills etc but what do I really and truly ‘need’ in a meaningful and relevant way – I need what I have found over the months since meeting John and am finding  as we go : I have what I need which is the ability to trust in myself,  not to fear anything,  to accept what happens and to enjoy ‘being.’  There are many more things that I have found within myself that I need – not in a needy urgent way,  but I need them to ‘be’ and also to ‘grow.’  I found myself returning one of those silly emails yesterday that threatens fire and brimstone if you do not respond or worse that money will come your way in 5 days.  I always ignore them even the fun ones as I’m too busy and they do not interest me in the slightest.  But a close friend emailed it me and listed me as a friend who would def respond – so she had me.  One of the questions was ‘what do you fear ‘ to which I honestly wrote ‘ nothing.’  Another question was where do you want to be in 6 years to which I wrote the single word ’here’ which I was pleased with myself for.  I did not mean necessarily in this house in this village,  but rather ‘ here in me – I am very content indeed to be here with me, internal peace and calmness.’  It was only a bit of fun but it resonated – I am in such a different place now and my foundations are strong. So it was a me day today and I am enjoying considering what I need and enjoying the complete lack of guilt about thinking about it.  I do have needs and its important to break them down and see if they are really serving me or someone else,  and if they are serving someone else then to look again and find my true authentic needs.  Fascinating and it has opened up an entire new chapter.

I listened to Sleep last night again which is a real favourite of mine – the ending is so perfect and fills me up.  I told John I completely connected with it and he said he recorded the ending over and over again until he felt he got it right.  no surprises there.  It is wonderful and I shall listen to it again tonight ( although Pain has an equally good ending,  infact sometimes I think it is better,  so I may change my mind tonight).  Off to read my book now as hubby is in London til late.  A good good day.

Friday 6th May – one of the many life changing things that John has given me is time and I noticed this almost immediately.  I remember driving down a road very early on in my sessions and actually slowing down and thinking what a lovely colour the tarmac was ! and it has grown from there.  So today was one of those days – I took my boy to a friends for the afternoon and the boys played and we chatted.  She is a lovely lovely person and I am glad to know her.  She is easy and honest and funny and intelligent and very good indeed to be near and with.  And I can now enjoy the moment which means conversation is easier,  not talking is possible ( wow ) and pausing to merely listen and think is perfect.  We had a very good afternoon and then I took my boy down to the river in Buckingham where we sat and watched the ducks and listened to the sounds for ages – nobody wanting anything . ME not wanting anything.  No pressure to be here/ there/ wherever.  At one point I asked him what he was thinking – he is 3 – and he said he was relaxing.  I’m very proud. I would like him to be part of my journey and see the world from a different point of view from the ‘rat race.’  He will find his own way.  It was a good day full of plenty of simple and real moments – I took the recycling to the top of the lane and stood for quite a few moments simply with my eyes closed breathing and being.  John called his head his ‘ solar panel’ the other day in conversation which amused me as I misunderstood what he was saying – I know exactly what he meant now – he tkaes in the heat and energy of the sun through his head and passes it through his body and down to his feet.  We’ve talked about this in his stories. I’m there -totally.  Another perfect day and I am forever grateful I found this way. I guess its not possible without having the rest first to compare.

Saturday 7th May – How far I have come…… it should be the title of this week and today.  My boy’s nursery celebrates the day they opened 4 years ago with  an annual themed garden party which was today.  They make a huge effort and it has always been a very good event.  Ofcourse,  when you invite my boy you get ‘mummy’ ( Daddy stays well away and was as always on the golf course ) and along with that you get a full on committment to whatever the theme is.  First year we attended- mad hatters tea party. My hat was huge – an historic Ascot number – which conveniently consisted of a pink top hat covered in large fake sunflowers and yellow feathers.  I made my boy a white rabbit outfit – everyone saw us coming.  We got on the front page of the newsletter. 2nd year - Peter Pan : my boy was Captain Hook and I went as Jack Sparrow complete with hat,  hair, pirate outfit etc etc : front page again. This year – Nursery Rhyme characters : I made my boy a hickory dickory dock outfit and I was the grand old duke of york in a red soldiers ( authentic ) jacket.  Who knows if we will make front page again.  Anyway – my point for all this is that year 1 and 2 whilst I enjoyed the preparation for the party had something missing on the day and I (to keep it brief ) know exactly what it was.  I love to dress up and have fun,  but deep down one perceived bad look from anyone and I’m crushed.  And trust me,  my outfits are never subtle and I used to be full on talking at people,  gesticulating madly and generally being a tad over excited / over compensating for actually someone who used to be very shy.  So what was the difference this year – well the outfits had the same level of comittment but I wore them more comfortably.  I did not talk at anyone or fill gaps in conversation with over excited babbling.  I rather walked into the party and joined my son in whatever he wanted to do – and talked when spoken to.  I found again how interesting it is that people do come to me and begin conversations.  I am quiet now and wait – and it’s just wonderful.  And even in conversation I am careful to take a back seat – ask open questions and listen and pause.  I had so many good chats today and so many quiet moments just listening to or watching my boy.  I got a lot of genuine comments about my jacket – I love it – and all were fun.  I’m the same person in a different and more honest way now.  I trust myself and have no fear.  I am finding my authentic self and I’m trusting it ( not him or her for some reason ).  I have peace and I enjoy simply to ‘be.’  I feel people drawing to me – which in truth I guess I always craved but often went the wrong way about getting their attention eg. big hats / loud conversation / outrageous comments / too much conversation AT them.  So everything I was doing was so fragile – so well intentioned however inclined to rub people up the wrong way without meaning to.  And crushed so very easily by any comment or look.  John reframed something a few months ago that was massive and the crux was that ‘ you would more than likely have got to the same place without all the things you did that you thought got you there ( but in fact have caused confusion and conflict ).’ He is so clever.  So maybe just maybe I am finally finding my authentic self and disguarding or at least moving on from my old beliefs and values that sevred me for a long time but that are outdated.  He is clever.  A good day.

Sunday 8th May – I had another one of those ‘ I am so grateful John has shown me how to enjoy time’ days today.  Hubby was out from early to the Utd football game and will not be back until late so anything myself and my boy did today was centered around ourselves.  We did a few jobs this morning and then shared a nice lunch then went to a very good friends for the afternoon.  We had originally intended to go to a traction engine rally but by this morning with the weather being so wet yesterday and the field promising to be a mud bath neither of us had the energy for it – which was an interesting thing in itself for me to realise.  In life pre-John simply the fact that I had decided to go to the rally would have meant that we went.  I was so bad at changing arrangements especially at the last minute and also given that we have been to the rally every year since my boy was born ( I was a creature of habit ) would have meant that we simply HAD to go.  Mmmmm………. thank goodness for John.  So the change in plan was no problem at all and the afternoon with my friend and her little girl was a pleasure.  I rested and so did she.  We are very close and relax in eachothers company.  Very much nobody wanting anything.  She is a good listener and a good sharer – we walked and talked and the children played and there were several moments when seconds felt like so much longer.  I sat on a bench with my head into the sun and my eyes closed whilst my boy was playing on the slide and the world paused.  It was very good indeed to be in someones company and to be able to totally relax at the same time.  We drifted home eventually and enjoyed dinner and my boy is now flat out asleep in bed. The afternoon felt like a holiday.  I feel in a different world and it’s a good place to be.  I’ll sit and read tonight until hubby gets home – how perfect.

I will add that my friend has a lot of stuff going on her life and she is very busy indeed keeping all the balls in the air.  She spoke freely about it and I was desparately trying to think of the right thing to say at some point – I was pleased when I opted for being honest and truthful and tried to think what John would say : I said ‘ you know,  you’ve got a lot of things going on right now ‘ and she immediately seemed to breath and smile and said that that was exactly what her dad had said that morning.  It is almost impossible to put the moment into words but I was pleased she smiled and seemed to pause and find a calm in a busy life.  Pre-John I would have made comments about how I would recommend she deals with stuff in her life or how I knew someone in the same position and to talk about how they were coping or say something too encouraging ( that would come over as exactly that ).  Another friend told me something quite traumatic a few months ago and again I tried so hard and paused and waited and paused to think of a good answer and came up with ‘ I just do not know what to say – that is very hard to deal with …. how are you doing ?’ to which she said she was so grateful for the comment since most people were trying to tell her what to do.  I felt good then.  I’m thinking more and pausing and listening and trying so hard to be honest to my true self – which is still a very deliberate process and I’m only now getting in touch with my authentic self.  There is a lot of other stuff floating round that I have grown to think is me and now I am challenging - I want to update myself and grow.  A good day.

Tuesday 10th May – no time to write last night as I had a hair appointment.  My best friend said that as I had changed my attitude towards make-up it was high time I did away with the extreme bleach on my hair – she is direct like that ! So after quite a lot of thought and a chat with my friend / hairdresser who agreed but had been too shy to mention it,  we went for a softer look.  It was interesting as always to break down why I was resisting .  Anyway – its done now and I like it although I seem to have swopped no make-up for fake tan. MMmmmmmm… I’m thinking about that one.  Brilliant day today – my monthly board meeting with my business partner who is excellent.  We had a good meeting and I am constantly aware of my change – I trust myself to speak clearly and effectively and SLOWLY,  I am happy to clarify points until I understand them – before John I may have simply agreed and thought about a point later lest I seem ‘thick’ which he would not think however I was aware I pulled out of clarifying points because I felt I should ‘ know’ whatever it was.  Now I drill stuff down until I get it – and I am happier this way.  So a good meeting and I am happy that I am better in meetings that I ever was and certainly am where I want to be.  A lot of it is still deliberate but some if definitely automatic and I’m proud of myself.  As always,  a good day .

Wednesday 11th May – Thursday tomorrow.  I feel the induction already.  I bumped into John this afternoon in town which is only the second time I have seen him out of the office and it is so bizarre. I lose any ability to talk coherently – it’s like seeing teacher out of school.  I saw him before he saw me and he was in a very calm world of his own walking his dog – no surprises there.  It was nice – kind of ‘real.’  Session tomorrow and my course starts a week on Saturday – I am so looking forward to both. I find myself smiling all the time.  I also bumped into two other friends in town randomly which was good and got too carried away with myself and said hello to the road sweeper who returned the compliment with a smile.  I enjoy connections.  I’m in a good place.

Thursday 12th May – nearly 10months after meeting John I am still seeing him weekly and learning.  He is amazing.  What is interesting is that whilst no session ever seems to be repeated they do all interlink and strengthen eachother.  Although I’m sure if I repeated every session word for word again now I would hear different things and connect with different parts and more importantly ‘grow’ which is where I am at right now. I am aware a lot of the time that I feel a sensation of vibration throughout my body during or after sessions – like a deep buzz that is running through me.  Sometimes afterwards I feel cold as well and just want to curl up in a ball and rest and be with the sensation totally – it’s a nice feeling.  It’s a very strong and powerful sensation.  I used to be curious and unnerved by it,  now I lean into it and enjoy the ride.  John says it’s adrenaline and I am sure he is right – it has that primative natural feel about it.  A really base,  true and honest sensation. I like leaning into it – that’s one of John’s concepts. To ’be’ with it.  If I were to give it a colour it would navy blue almost black with a blaze of ocure sand yellow or orange running through it.  A friend sent me some photos by a surfer called Chris Little which were breath taking of waves and surf and wave curves and reflected sand beach images.  They are beyond words.  But they are what is running through me when I feel the adrenaline.  And they are with me in my soul when I’m resting and calm with my eyes closed or in John’s office in the chair with my eyes closed.  I am going to try and buy some of his photos.  They are where I am right now which is just outstanding. Life is good.

Friday 13th May – our wedding anniversary. we have been married 10 years today which is now longer than my first marriage which was wrong after about 6months – I spent the next 9years feeling guilty that perhaps I had married him for what I thought was money and security instead of love.  Anyway – thats another story.  So we have had a lovely day and will celebrate tomorrow evening as he has a golf competition tomorrow – that’s married life for you.  and we are staying in by choice with a nice meal and a bottle of wine – that’s having children for you ! I’m lucky and hubby is perfect but for the fact that he loves me so much he rarely says no which we joke about but in fact there is some truth in the fact that that comes with a high responsibility for me.  He’s great.  I’m taking my boy to the circus on Sunday which we are both so excited about – hubby is avoiding the experience.  I am still wrapped up in the Clark Little photographer bloke – look him up.  I feel like his photos are where I am right now.  The day was also fun in that I had a cheeky exchange of emails with John and he sent me an excellent quote which I am still breaking down – I enjoy the thought processes and ‘ wow’ moments his quotes throw off.  A good good day .

Saturday 14th May – I took my boy to his best friends birthday party today and I did not wear any make-up at all. I dithered at one point and was sorely tempted but resisted. I also intentionally wore receed into the background clothes as opposed to full on make-up and smart outfit to match as if I was dressed up to go out. Of Course ‘out’ used to be my everyday look. I never went out of the house without make-up and a nice outfit. Everything was deliberate and I spent a good while looking in the mirror. So this change to no make-up – or rare make-up – is fascinating for me. I feel many things one of them being ‘ relaxed.’ I enjoyed the party very much indeed and it was a better experience. I was under no pressure from myself. I was very happy to listen and to not talk and to receed. It’s a better place for me to be. And I got as much attention today as on days previous, the difference being I felt today it had to be more genuine since anyone was seeing a ‘raw’ me. I had a good day. no time to spell check tonight. got to dash. a good day – I’m finding my authentic self .

Sunday 15th May – I had a few drinks last night – whisky of course – for no other reason than we decided to celebrate our wedding anniversary which was on Friday, last night. I had entertained the idea not to drink, however I lost the arguement with myself quite early on in the process although listening to the discussion between various characters was amusing. So we had our own little party finished off with watching the end of the eurovision song contest which is funny at the best of times but after a few drinks was even funnier – Graham Norton’s commentary was perfect. So I found myself thinking today about why I still have the odd drinking session and I think that I just think’ well I fell off the waggon.’ And it’s that simple. I accept that it happened and move on. But that’s not actually the case since there is always guilt the following morning and regret. So I have come to the conclusion that I do not ‘fall off the waggon’ but rather I ‘ still find something in drinking that for some reason I need.’ Now that was a powerful realisation. Since I feel I have come so far on my ‘journey.’ So I got to asking myself what is it that drink gives me that I need – the answer came back that it is truly an old habit/ need/ desire that is so ingrained that every now and again I choose to ‘go back there.’ It has been such a ‘friend and companion’ for so long it is deep rooted in my life. The bigger realisation which I am so proud of is that I cannot move to the next level until I no longer need drink – and by drink I mean a ‘session’ as opposed to a single glass or two. I have to move away from the sessions and that will take me to the next level which in turn will provide me with much more of what I have been learning with John – and therefore in those moments when I have historically had a ‘session’ I shall have other places within me to go that will give me a better and deeper ‘release ( if that’s what it is ).’ So my intention from now is not to have any more sessions ever – and as the weeks and months go by to find in myself what I need which is not from a bottle. I am so proud of the control I have most of the time over my drinking and this is the last phase – and just the realisation that stopping the excess will assist my growth to the next level is enough. I have realised it is holding me back and I want to continue growing and opening up more of the life John has and is showing me. This process is also really important as I know that I put down roots too easily and ‘stay put.’ That’s not to say that I don’t make where I am as good as possible, however I put the roots down to keep me safe / in a safe place as opposed to pushing myself onwards. I know it was Fear that made me do this in the past and now that I understand this and have no fear it will be a deliberate act to push myself forwards as opposed to remaining ‘ safe.’ I could write A4 sheets about my thoughts on ‘ safe.’ I love Bandlers ‘ do things out of fascination not desperation’ and the suggestion that we have ‘ choices ‘ available to us is great. And there is no right and wrong – that’s one of John’s and I have taken so much from it. Another quote from somewhere is that there is no failure only feedback – it’s not one of the strongest I have read, however I get the point. I have had a good thinking day.

also – I have been trying to decide what I can do next as a mission on my journey and I have decided to give blood in the next three months. I have a needle/ tubes phobia, so this will be a challenge. Ofcourse – I’ll do it. I’m in that frame of mind now. A good thinking day. and my boy loved the circus.

Monday 16th May – I have had another thinking day and I’m just going to write this as it comes out : I have realised today that I may be at a pause stage of my therapy – even worse I may have begun to put down roots and make myself safe and be therefore stopping my growth. I have done a lot of back patting over the last 8 months and I today feel I may be being too content with the retrospective view despite all my cravings to grow more/ find more/ move to the next level. I know I have been much more focussed on what has happened over the last 8 months and today feel that if I am to grow further I need to focus forward. I also heard myself saying ‘ no-one said this was going to be easy.’ John often says he pushes people away just to test their resolve – he did that to me – and today I am thinking that ‘ their resolve’ is worthy of further consideration with regards to myself. John told an amazing Story last week and one of the parts told of how a man decided he wanted to train to be a monk and walked day and night to get to the monastery only to be turned away day after day because ‘ they were too busy/ full/ he was not who they wanted etc etc until eventually they let him in and said he could stay but not train, but instead help out with washing and dishes and cleaning until he regained his strength and returned home etc which he accepted. As the days and weeks go by he comes to realise ofcourse that this is indeed his training. Today I feel like it’s just like John saying to me that he can fit me in for 2hours once a week and thats all. I have realised over the last 8 months that the time outside my 2 hours is just as much part of the ‘training’ process and that ‘ no one said it was going to be easy.’ I have felt a responsibility today to every hour and minute in the day and it has been a powerful realisation. Anyone can be taught, however how much better is it to be guided and search inside for relevance to deepen what is already there rather than replace with completely new and ‘taught’ concepts. I’m not sure if this is clear but I know where I am. It’s about a period of time now for ‘doing’ not being. I have been ‘ being’ for quite a long time and I now want to consciously ‘do.’ I’m looking at everything in my life as I really really want the next level and just pushing myself to reach for it will be conscious and deliberate given my propensity to put down roots and be safe. And given that I used to be a creature of habit. If today could be given a title it would be ‘ beware of the roots.’ I have had a fascinating day – I’m contemplating giving up alcohol completely along with caffeine – we’ll see. A strong day.

Tuesday 17th May – I was very keen to finish one of my course books and decided on the way to dropping my boy at nursery that I could pinch 1 hour from my working day and that should finish the book this morning. I add here that John told me when he went to Mexico that he had taken a book with him that fell open on a very relevant page. The relevance to today is that I got home and sat myself down with the intention of allowing myself to read for a single hour ( SUCH a treat ) and within a few pages there was the following story – a now renowned specialist in stress management and physiology as a young boy recalled having a loving and nurturing Grandma, everything you could ever hope for except that she had a very competitive streak when it came to playing monopoly. They played monopoly over the Summers they shared together and he never won, infact she beat him ruthlessly despite him being a child. So one Spring he practised and practised and learned a few clever moves and that Summer he beat her at the first game. At which point she slowly got up, cleared the board and replaced every hotel and house and card neatly back into its place in the box then said carefully – ofcourse monopoly is just a game, when its finished the bits just go back into the box and we put it away. This needs no explanation. I thought about the story and promptly gave myself the day off !! I finished my book, enjoyed lunch and had a bath and washed my hair in the middle of the day ( unheard of ) then called my sister for a chat and finally went to collect my boy from nursery. John tomorrow…. perfect …. and I’ve nothing more to say ……………..

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