Decision Making and Self Esteem

How to transition between planning and doing?

On an individual’s journey of self-discovery and personal growth there are many obstacles to overcome. Initially, many of these hurdles are invisible, we don’t even know that they exist, for example; so many people try to change other people because what those people do make them feel uncomfortable, rather than realising that it is so much easier to change themselves by either accepting the other person, rejecting the other person or changing their own personal point of view on why they are agitated by this person in the first place.

So, as we grow we begin to see that we have many self-beliefs about who we think we are, and who we think we are not, many of these are only valid from an ego driven point of view. An example of this might be the smoker who says to himself that he is addicted rather than admitting to himself (and his ego) that, actually, smoking is really quite silly, because who wants to knowingly call themselves silly?

Procrastination versus taking action

Ask anyone who is depressed or down what they want from life and usually they’ll say “I don’t know!” Most depressive feelings are the feeling of being out of control and not having a wonderfully colourful future to step into.

As the individual tries to grow and begins to recognise that he is not at the mercy of his emotions, that in fact, emotions are something that we can largely control, a whole new paradigm opens up, which is “What do I actually want from life?”

And so a period of thinking, ruminating, exploring and pondering begins; what to stop doing? What to start doing? What if it goes wrong? Where will get money from? Will they still love me? Is it too scary? Can I do it?

Many people can get this far, they have a dream of what would be nice, however, sadly, they don’t believe that it is possible for them to achieve it, or worse, they feel that they don’t deserve it.  Even those who want that dream sometimes freeze, the fear of the uncertainty of change and the fact that security and comfort will need to be released (certainly for a while) paralyzes the individual into a state of procrastination, where, if not careful, they slip into the old habits and ways of being.

Focussing on execution

82% of Fortune 500 CEO’s surveyed indicated that they feel their organisation did an effective job of strategic planning. However, only 14% of the same CEO’s indicated that their organisation did an effective job of implementing the strategy.

Forbes Magazine

That quote sums up what I am exploring in this post, although I am referring to individuals not organisations.

It seems that the majority of us humans tend to enjoy thinking and planning, yet when it comes to taking action we suddenly become fearful, even though we may be unhappy with our present circumstances. We then placate ourselves and our egos with self-soothing falsities, such as, “Better the Devil you know…..”

Real emotional strength and personal development is about letting go, not holding on. Letting go of being right or wrong, letting go of what others might think, letting go of fearing failure etc. These are all just the old ways we were ‘domesticated’ by our parents, by school, by religion, by the government – and they are not necessarily true, especially if you are looking for calmness, excitement, choice, freedom, self-respect and emotional contentment in your life.

When it’s time for action

Once the planning is underway, don’t be afraid to start doing new things or doing old things in new ways, don’t wait until you have the whole plan because planning can go on forever and we don’t have that much time available to us.

Some people make a career out of planning but never actually doing, whereas others, take control of their lives and start doing, they have a few goals that excite them and that they are drawn to, so they head off in that direction.

They are not saying things like “Well I can’t do that until my children are older” or “I can’t leave this job because I’ll never get this security again” or “It’s only younger people who go back to University to learn new things….”

It’s as if they follow their hearts and not their minds, of course they use their minds but for productive things like negotiation, learning and communication, rather than for making scary stories about all the things that could go wrong.

At this point you need to ask yourself whether you are making decisions for yourself or are you leaving it to fate or others (partner, boss, God, government) to make decisions for you? Recognise that not making a decision is in fact, a decision in itself.

This applies to everyday life too

As a therapist, here are a few of the common procrastination phrases I often hear, and if you really break them down, they are just excuses to remain trapped in a place that feels secure, yet keeps them miserable and unhappy.

• When I lose a couple of stone then I’ll be able to go to the gym
• Although he’s not right for me I love him
• What would they do without me?
• My past is holding me back
• What if I fail?
• What if they don’t like me?
• When I weigh 9 stone, then I’ll be happy
• But smoking relaxes me
• They keep picking on me
• I just wasn’t brought up that way
• I couldn’t cope on my own
• The list of excuses and objections goes on and on…

Know this about taking action

The clock is ticking and this is not a rehearsal, you need to choose between fear and emotional happiness. Do you want to stay trapped in a life that makes you unhappy trying to get some sort of emotional solace from your dreams? Or do you want to make your dreams a reality so you can experience the whole spectrum of emotions on that journey, knowing that this will free you from your petty fears and insecurities?

You will need to do things differently if you want to succeed. You’ll need to kick your ego into touch, become more open to criticism, let your guard down on your flaws, speak your mind, begin to say no to things that are not aligned with your goals.

You will need to start a whole new relationship with yourself, your health, your self-respect, the way you talk to yourself and the way you talk to others.

Follow this up with taking 100% responsibility for everything that happens in your life however great or awful and you are now in control. Any other way puts you out of control and in the place of being a victim. When you take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to you, you can change it.

So start becoming a person of action, become a decision maker, and relish the fact that the bigger the actions you take the more free you will become – but don’t expect it to not bring up those deep fears and insecurities, because a good positive step forward always will, then it’s just a matter of how willing you are to let those old insecurities go? The strength of your decision and action will let you know that.

One of my favourite quotes is from Ingrid Bacci in her book The Art of Effortless Living

The primary addiction underlying all other addictions is the addiction to non-living and powerlessness – and if we go deeper, there is the addiction to fear. We are attached to fear and we are afraid to take the steps that will take us out of fear.

We are afraid to take responsibility for ourselves, to fully define ourselves in our own terms. So we give responsibility of defining who we are to somebody else and then struggle to live up to those demands. Most of all we are afraid of our emotions and feeling our feelings.

“Because if we acknowledged our feelings and took full responsibility for them, we would have to leave the treadmill of our lives behind and take full responsibility for creating something more meaningful.”

Owning and transforming our fear is the most important step we can take to develop independence and strength. When we do this we stop seeing the cause of fear outside ourselves. We see it from within. It never was outside of us. So now we can change it.

Help to make decisions and take action

If you have had enough feeling trapped and want to take back control of your life, I can help. Give me a call on 01280 823059 and lets get you started.

My office is in Buckingham, on the borders of Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Northamptonshire and Bedfordshire – 20 minutes from the M1 Junction 13 or M40 junction 9/10. The majority of my clients come from the area bounded by Milton Keynes, Aylesbury, Northampton and Oxford.

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