Hannah exploring anxiety and attitudes to weight

Mission Bingo Wings!

My name is Hannah, (otherwise known as bingo wings) and this is my very first ever blog! I want this to be a record of how I reach my main goal in life which is, to be happy! (not that I’m completely unhappy at the moment) I have many moment’s in my life where I am completely happy and super confident, (usually after a bottle of wine and a few vodkas)  I want to be more confident, less of a nervous nelly and basically a size 8!  I think  I’m at the beginning of a journey. I am aware that i’m going to have lots of ups and downs, (rather like climbing a dinosaur’s back!) but I am feeling very excited at the thought that, perhaps rather than having an early mid life crisis at the age of 31, I am instead , going to learn to love myself! (and be skinny enough to wear a really nice little black dress at Christmas!)

I have always been an anxious person, a real worrier. I worry about  going mad,my job, my friends, driving places I don’t know, being fat, my health (I once convinced my self  I  had mad cow disease because I’d read an article about a girl who had it, which may be fine to most people but I have been vegetarian since i was 7!) and my main anxiety at moment is worrying about worrying! I’m still scared of how I feel when I’m anxious and I constantly monitor how I feel! Even when I’m happy I’ve got a niggling fear that my anxiety could come back and bite me on the bum at any given moment!  However it’s worries like these that I am hoping to learn how to manage.

I feel, at this point in my life  I am ready to do this! I am having therapy and I feel with this support I can continue to discover more about my self, where my issues may have stemmed from and most importantly how to help my self! Some wise man once told me, “You can’t train a dog while it’s not in the room” I still fear anxiety at the moment but this phrase really makes sense to me because it makes me realise that in order to accept my anxious thoughts and feelings of inadequacy I need to experience them head on without fear  and it’s in these moments where I will  hopefully learn to put in to practise all of the things I have learnt, and this is what I will keep reminding myself when I am having a  nervous Nelly moment!

I realise that a lot of my confidence stems from weight! My weight has gone up and down like a yoyo, for the past 20 years! I have never maintained a steady weight . My wardrobe is bursting with clothes ranging from size 10 to 16! . I am a large size 12 at the moment and although I realise this is not massive, it feels big for me!  hate my wobbly bits and most importantly I hate my bingo wings! I spend most of the summer months covered up in cardigans because I believe people wont be able to notice my big arms but in actual fact I probably draw more attention to myself ! “Who’s the nutter sweating in a cardigan when it’s 90 degrees?”  It is here now, that I am going to promise myself that on the next hot day we have I will step out side without my comfort blanket, the woolly cardigan! and because I have just written it I am determined to do it!

Mission Bingo Wings!  I’m going to use this blog to write about the following things!

My diet! (when i start, i’ll begin! it was going to be today but cheese cake was on offer in morrisons! and I ate a fried egg sandwich with monster munch for lunch)  I am thinking about giving slimming world a go because it says you can always eat and that to me is a mega diet bonus!

My anxiety! I am going to write about any anxious thoughts I have and it will be really interesting to see if my mood is affected as I complete my diet!

My confidence! I am going to work out ways to increase this !

Exercise!  I have never got the whole feeling fantastic after exercise thing! I have only ever got the very hot, sick and knackered feeling! but perhaps if  I persist I will grow to love it!

My weight loss! I want to go from 11 stone 03 and size 12 to a size 8 !

Saturday August 22  2010

I found writing yesterday’s blog very therapeutic! I also love being able to read Sue’s blog! I have had a very mixed day today, with ups and downs, on the positive, I actually woke up at 9.30 today! this may not seem very important or particularly special but I have a real problem staying asleep in the mornings! I’m usually awake before the first cockerel!

I have been practising John’s advise  the last few mornings by waking and saying “Today is going to be a good day” but this morning I found my self checking how I was feeling and then I worried I was feeling a bit low! But in a way I realise that I’m not really feeling low, but I am worried that I’m going to feel low! This sounds crazy even as I write it! Today was the first day in ages that I haven’t had a full day planned, and I now realise that this scares me because I find it incredibly difficult to relax and do nothing! My poor dogs despair because they keep getting dragged out on walk after walk! They are naturally wrinkled but I think even their wrinkles are getting toned! (I wish this would happen to me! I walk for miles every day and I’m still resembling a jelly. My husband responds to my “I walk miles, I should be skinny! with “no dear, you’d just be 30 stone if you didn’t! which is true because I have read that you have to walk many miles to burn off a single smarty! and I eat the equivalent to a lot of smarties  )

I have been thinking about today and I realise that even though I’ve felt a bit fed up (a so called bad day) this bad day hasn’t been no where near as bad as my previous bad days! I forget that every normal person has days where they feel a bit blue! so in actual fact I should feel positive that I am managing to control my anxiety more. I also remember John’s words explaining that there will be many ups and downs along the way!  I seem to be having a lot of light bulb moments of late! It’s as I’m writing this that I’m making a link to my confusion of being bored to feeling anxious in the same way that I seem to eat when I am bored or sitting still!  It was at the river tonight while I was happily munching on my chips and cheese and onion pasty watching some nutters on a stag do trying to canoe down the weir, that I suddenly realised that I hadn’t eaten any thing all day! Now I love food so how come it had got to 6.30 and I hadn’t had anything? I realise that because I was scared of being bored today I filled the whole day with dog walks with 2 different friends and cleaning the kitchen cupboards!( God, I must’ve been really bored!) And I didn’t stop! But sitting by the river is one of my favourite things to do so of course there should be food involved, because I was relaxed and happy! All the way  home I was thinking about what nice things I could eat while watching X Factor! I just know that I’ll munch my way through chocolate, crisps and ice cream tonight! and it’ll be yet another day where not a single fruit or vegetable has passed my lips, (unless tomato ketchup counts? or strawberry sauce?) I’m also thinking why haven’t I started the diet? I’m justifying it by telling myself diet law states all diets must only start on Mondays! and I need to get registered for Slimming World! (Sue has convinced me, it’s a great way) but deep down I know these are excuses.

I worry (again) that my eating patterns are so off normal! I think I will feel physically and emotionally better when I begin eating properly! We are taking my nephew to La Tasca then cinema to watch Toy Story tom so I know there’ll be pop corn and chocolate but from Monday………

On another personal breakthrough I actually met my friend for a dog walk in a busy place today and I didn’t wear a cardigan! It was actually quite funny because everybody else seemed to be wearing either jumpers or rain coats because it constantly looked like rain! so my whole aim of not standing out by dressing inappropriately for the weather seemed to backfire! I will try again (And this time I will check the weather forecast) Did feel good though, didn’t feel as self conscious as I thought I would!!!

Weigh 11 stone 02 today!

Sunday 23 August 2010

I have had a lovely day today! I woke up at silly o’clock but managed to get back to sleep for bit! I took my dogs for a really long walk and decided that as part of my promise to my self to do more strenuous exercise, I decided to walk up the hugely steep hill! I was sweating by the top of it but I felt a sense of achievement ! The view was fantastic, but it was a little spoiled when my dog decided to roll in fox poo! nice view not so nice aroma! I actually got the urge to run down the hill, one of those moments when you think of a childish type activity and normally tell yourself (if you are on your own, and not egged on by an equally bonkers mate), not to be so silly, but today I decided on my own to do just that! I actually ran down the hill! It was great!  I had the realisation that by living in the moment you can have loads of fun! It’s like sometimes we just rush around and don’t notice all the brilliant things around us! Take today by stopping for a few moments (ok, it was due to the fact I needed to catch my breath and wait for my legs to work properly again at the top of the hill) but I looked down and there were absolutely loads of snails around! I found my self wondering if they were a family or friends? It was then also that I realised I wasn’t thinking about anything other than looking at the snails! (of course , as soon as I realised this lots of thoughts came in but I let them)

Last night I am so ashamed to admit that I ate a whole packet of jammy dodgers through the night! every time I woke up I ate 3! by the morning they had all gone! I also managed to scoff a double decker! I really don’t know why I do this! It’s as if I wake up and all will power has left me! I crave sugar! maybe I am addicted? I once read a book titled potatos not prozac! It was all about how sugar can make you crave more sugar and then you get dips in your energy! I often wake feeling sick, and I do think it’s because of my midnight munching! I really want to find a way to stop this! Also had a really strange dream last night! Dreamt I had a baby girl and I loved her so much. I was feeding her but then she turned into a blue bottle fly and died! I was really upset. I wonder what it means? (I hadn’t even eaten cheese as I know that can give you crazy dreams!)

I have eaten loads today! I went to Franky and Bennys and had a vege burger and chips! I was actually disappointed when my 6 year old nephew said he was too full for pudding! I too, wasn’t no longer hungry but I had already eyed up the cheese cake before my burger came! It never occurs to me to refuse pudding even if I am full!  We then went to the cinema and I found myself ordering large popcorn because it was only 50p more to go large and then I brought a bag of sweets because they were on offer with the large popcorn!

It’s funny really, normally I rush head first into a diet with out thinking, but I am learning a lot about my eating habits and self imposed beliefs just by observing my normal eating!

Weight today 11 stone 2 (At least it’s same!)

Monday 23 August!

I have never ever been very good at sport.(unless I count the fererro roche challenge as a sport! That I am extremely good at! on my one and only attempt I managed to eat 5 and half in a minute! that’s just half a chocolate away from the world record!) Even at school I was always the girl left standing on the edge of the field awkwardly waiting to be picked for the team, and time after time I’d be the last person standing! (Why do they do that? There must be a less humiliating way? perhaps a ticket system, names out of a cone? anything !) I think the problem is,I don’t seem to have a competitive bone in my body, that and a fear of getting splated in the face by a ball. And so I’ve never been into sport. I tried the gym once , brought all the kit including a very nice sports bag. I was so keen to begin with but I think I only ended up going twice! A total waste of money and those gym receptionists are scarier than those at the doctors.  I ended up paying for whole year! However I am very surprised to find my self week 8 into yoga and loving it! I originally didn’t think of yoga as exercise! I so naively thought it would be a lovely way to relax, oh how wrong was I! My body bends and stretches in the oddest of positions and there is pain! Lot’s of pain!, In the first lesson I turned up with a sweatshirt but in hindsight a sweat band would have been more appropriate! but it’s brilliant! I am hoping to find another type of exercise that I enjoy equally as much! I’m determined to lose weight really healthily this time, unlike all the other attempts where I have basically taken on the motto if it tastes nice, spit it out! I didn’t exercise, instead just opted for starvation! Every time I have been miserable, and this backs up my self imposed belief about linking food with happiness! In the past I have lost weight really quickly! up to 8 pounds in a week but I always end up putting it on just as quickly plus more! This morning I have found a slimming world group in my area and I am going to register on Wednesday! Then the diet will begin! I was going to do it online but I think I need the weekly weigh ins to keep me motivated! I think meeting other members will also prove to be a great support! I am very excited about starting and I really hope I will be successful but until then I have 2 more days of eating!!

Weigh 11 stone 03 today

Tuesday 24 August

I woke up this morning with a bit of a cold and sore throat, but on the positive, I accepted it for what it was, a bog standard english cold, not some scary tropical disease, unlike poor cheryl! Physical illness is one  trigger for my anxiety. Feeling ill reminds me of how I feel when i’m anxious! I have realised though, with help, that it is in fact your thoughts that control a lot of  our physical symptoms! and the more you worry the worse the physical sensation gets! I should have worked this out a few years ago when my poor mum, who had just got back from the Dominian  Republic had the very unfortunate experience of discovering a very large worm in the toilet after she’d finished her business! Her shrieks of panic caused my dad to come running! “Alan! there’s a worm! ” My poor dad had the rather unpleasant job of retrieving the offending object. A trip to the doctor followed complete with worm, now secure in a vitamin pot, which was luckily on hand at the time of the incident! The doctor took one look and immediately referred my mum to the hospital of tropical diseases in London! I met my, by now completely distraught mum at the train station and we spent the whole taxi ride to the hospital with my mum giving me a very graphic description of how she could feel all the horrible worms inside her belly! “There must be hundreds! I told your dad people like us shouldn’t travel long distance, what was wrong with Spain?”(It was in fact for my brothers wedding!)She was by now convinced she was suffering from the worst tropical disease ever! I sat in the waiting area for what felt like an eternity for the worm to be analysed! The diagnosis? A common garden worm! my poor mum! “Apparently,” said the very nice doctor, “It’s more common than you think! the worms just occasionally crawl up the pipes and it must’ve just been a coincidence that you happened to be using the toilet!” My mum was so convinced she could feel the worms and in fact there were none! It just proves how powerful our thoughts can be!

I have taken the motto feed a cold, starve a fever today! I’m  thinking it’s slimming world tom so I’m making the most of my time left! I spent a lovely afternoon at my friends house watching dvds and having my nails painted! although I had to have mine reapplied 3 times because I didn’t wait for them to dry properly before I was reaching into the malteser bowl! I went to yoga tonight but stopped off on the way home to get chips! (to which, I added cheese when home!) don’t think I’m going to bother weighing my self tom!

Weigh 11 stone 03

Wednesday 25 August 2010

I have taken the plunge and gone to Slimming World! I nearly didn’t go because I had such a headache from receiving a very unwelcome speeding ticket in the post! (36 in a 30 whoops! and first ever offence! I’m normally very careful!) I was panicking about getting the form sent off straight away because I  have the terrible habit of forgetting to post things off, hence everything is now on direct debit! but I couldn’t find my driving licence! every time I need something I can never find it and I always resolve to sort things out but I never seem to achieve this, even my personal development target at work one year was to spend less time looking for lost things! (perhaps I should get a filing cabinet? ( will add this to my to do list) I turned the house upside down and practically got wedged under the bed  reaching to the back (definitely time for fat club!) and it was only after about an hour of frantic searching that I remembered it was at work! I’d taken it in to complete my CRB check! All sorted now!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should wear to slimming world! as it could potentially affect the results! If I was to wear really thick clothes like I wanted to , nice snuggly hoody and joggers as I was freezing from getting soaked 3 times today on dog walks! (I just love our summers!) then it would make me weigh more,  I wavered from thinking  then at least  next week I could wear lighter clothes and it would be an instant loss between that would be cheating and what would happen the following weeks? I’d end up having to get weighed in my swim suit! so I then started thinking maybe I should wear the same outfit every week! I was even thinking at one point of nipping into town to buy something new but then I had a word with myself and realised that what I had on would be perfectly fine! (This is actually a real issue for me, I worry constantly about what I should wear to  new things, especially when i’m self conscious about not knowing anyone! so big step that I didn’t give in to the urge to shop!)

I think deep down I had this secret hope that when I arrived at the meeting they would look at me and say, “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to lose any weight! go home and eat cake!” But they didn’t, and now I am the proud owner of my snazzy little pack listing all the foods I can and can’t eat and a little credit card that stores all my progress and accesses the scales! According to the chart I could lose 3 stone and still be a perfect weight for my height! (very daunting thought!) I actually really enjoyed the class! loads of clapping those who’d done well and the handing out of  nice shiny stickers and then of course the commiserating of those who’d put on, but everyone seemed really friendly, if a little bit crazy (they have this cuddly bear called Will Power, and you get to take turns at taking him home for the week and one woman was taking him to Sweden and she has actually sown him an outfit!…..did find myself thinking though I would actually really like to take the bear! just not sure if I could keep him safe from the dogs!) I am going to read all my booklets tonight and then hit Sainsbury’s tomorrow to purchase all my healthy food! My trolley will not be drawn to the naughty foods! I actually feel really inspired! going to the meeting definitely motivates you! am actually looking forward to next week!

Weigh 11 stone 04.5 pounds (Slimming world scales!)

Thursday 26 August 2010

I woke up this morning feeling blue (my new more friendly term for feeling low) and very irritable! It’s nearly the time of the month though so I’m trying to remember millions of other perfectly sane, normal women suffer from mood swings and PMT! This is the new me trying to  accept how I feel without getting into a tiz!  (Still finding this difficult but am hoping it will get easier!) As I was watching Jeremy Kyle, which is part of my plan to try and relax on waking in the mornings instead of leaping straight into an activity. (I’m actually getting quite into it, and often find myself saying things like “You go sister!” and I get quiet emotional when the DNA results are announced live on air and some poor bloke realises he’s not the father of his kids and his wife’s been sleeping with the dustman and is actually a man…..ok that hasn’t happened yet!) My friend phoned me and asked if I wanted to spend the day with her shopping at Milton Keynes, but on the way we had to stop off at her vocal therapist (Her vocal cords wobble in a way that is not normal apparently for vocal cords to wobble in! and she needs to get it fixed so she doesn’t end up sounding like the bloke who does all the movie trailers !) While I waited I read one of my self help books, titled Life is Short-Wear your Party Pants by Loretta LaRoche! it’s actually pretty good! It’s all about living for the moment and it makes references to anxious beliefs you learn as a child (Very relevant for me!)

After bit of shopping, (I got a lovely snugly hoody from billa-bong…great name! I’m going to wear it to our friend’s house on Saturday, when we go round to watch XFactor ) we went for lunch in Burger King and I was just sat thinking how I’d cheered up and was having a nice day, munching on my spicy Bean burger completely content with sweet chili sauce dripping down my chin when my friend asked, “So how was slimming world yesterday?” I literally spat out my burger! “Oh bugger! I completely forgot! How could that happen? I moaned to my friend that she shouldn’t have let me eat it but she replied, “I just thought you were allowed it!” now in slimming world you can eat unlimited potatoes but I don’t think Burger King chips count! I ate the whole months sins in one meal! I am so useless! (I will probably end up gaining weight in my first week! not the great start and I will probably never ever be allowed custodyofWillPower! ) I felt very cross with myself but consoled myself with thoughts that at least I was putting into practise the advise  in my book about how we should all enjoy ourselves! and the bean burger was very yummy!  I will do much, much better tomorrow! and I will get to Sainsbury’s !

I don’t know what I weigh today but my jeans felt very tight so probably not too good!

Friday  27 August 2010

Today was the first day of starting a new brand of  medication that I have every day! I don’t know where I got this idea from (Definitely not medically based) but I have been convinced the tablets must be different! My husband tried to reassure me by saying, “There all the same! look at paracetamol!” which is true but then I can taste the difference between Hienz baked beans and Tesco baked beans! I used to travel miles to source my particular brand (Tablets, not beans!) but I was  horrified to discover it has been discontinued ! I  had no choice but to start the new ones! I have felt very edgy all day but I haven’t exploded or anything so maybe they’ll be ok!  I have this deep fear that one day I might spontaneously com-bust! I watched a documentary on it when I was younger and now I wont put my head under the duvet for fear of over heating!

I spent 3 hours in the hair dressers today getting my highlights done! I was able to go to a really nice beauty spa because I’d been given vouchers! The ultra trendy hairdresser asked me, “So what is your vision for your hair today?” and as she said it, she was combing my hair up in a way that kept showing just how bad my roots had got! there was a lot of tutting and combing and more tutting as she let out this dramatic sigh and exclaimed,(Just loud enough for even the gardener out the back to hear!) ”This is very brittle! we’re going to need a deep conditioning treatment on this! other wise it could snap!” I was already feeling red faced and flustered as I’d had to do a parallel park on the way in, trying to fit into the most teeniest of spaces. I’d pulled over to let the traffic past but this very polite man had flashed to say he’d wait! hence  it was a whole lot of curb knocking and stalling later when I’d eventually managed to park!  (I’m sure polite man, just wanted a laugh!) and now to make matters worse I would probably be going bald!  If I’d just stuck to my local salon where all we do is discuss the weather and whether or not I’m going on holiday things would have been fine! (and I’d still not worked out the vision I wanted !) and to top things off I could see a great big spot coming up on my forehead! (probably result of parking stress!) I hate the mirrors in the hairdressers! Feel much better for finally getting my hair done though!

After yesterday’s absolutely dismal effort at slimming world, I am feeling very smug and saintly tonight as I have been good all day and I have stuck religiously to the rules! and weirdly I am feeling really full! I even went shopping this evening and filled my trolley with fruit, veg, pasta and basically everything healthy! I  loaded up my shopping and I recognised the man on the till. (for some unknown reason, I always manage to pick this man’s checkout,  which is fine unless you’re in a hurry because it’s like getting served by your Grandad! He loves to have a little chat!) but I was a bit taken aback when he said, “I guess your nephew isn’t coming this weekend then?” and it was then that I remembered the last time he served me I was so embarrassed about all the sweet stuff in my trolley that I’d told him our nephew and some of his friends were having a sleep over!”

Still no idea what I weigh but I’m hoping after today’s healthy eating it’ll be less tom! however jeans still feeling tight!

Saturday 28 August 2010

I woke up this morning and again I felt edgy but i’m not sure if it’s PMT or those dreaded new tablets! I have  tried  to accept my feelings and enjoy the day! (Bit like the famous war poster, keep calm and carry on!) I walked my dogs this morning (separately as one is really bone idol and can only manage a short walk before having to have a tummy tickle and a lay down, whereas the other one is a lean, mean running machine who can charge around for hours !) and it was when I was walking the lazy dog (India) with my friend that I realised how good it is to get out and about. As well as being able to have a good catch up and gossip with my friend, I always manage to either meet new people, (OK some of whom are not necessarily sound of mind, like the man who was pleasuring himself in the river….but that’s another story!) or I get to see really cool animals! like today, when  me and my friend  got to meet Dave! a 9 month old Great Dane!  So so cute and now I’m thinking I would like one! (although I’m also very keen to get a micro pig! just a pity my garden is not big enough, although I have heard they can live happily in the house! just not sure how happy my husband would be to share the bed with a piglet…2 dogs and 2 cats take up most of the space already!)

So far today I have managed to stick to my diet but then I haven’t been very hungry so it’s easy! in fact I haven’t eaten anything other than a banana! (horrible new tablets!) I have walked twice so I’ve ticked the exercise box and I’m still aching from yesterday’s power plate! Power plates are really weird! I go with my friend and you have to stand on this plate that really wobbles! It literally makes every inch of your body shake! even your cheeks and brain seem to wobble! It’s really hilarious to watch your mate , as from behind it looks like they’re shimmying, just on fast forward! Apparently 10 minutes is equivalent to 1 hour in the gym! (Bonus) and you’re meant to drop a dress size in 12 sessions, although rather unfortunately the shop is situated conveniently next door to a newsagents and me (Pre- slimming world, of course) and my friend would always pop in for a sneaky chocolate bar! justified of course by the thought we’d just done an hour at the gym! and so realistically I may not be able to count the first 6 sessions!

Weigh 11 stone 01 (Yipeeeeeee!)

Sunday 29 August 2010

I woke up today feeling really grumpy! not sure why as I’d had a lovely evening ! My mood was not lightened when I went to weigh myself and discovered my bathroom scales had broken. They must be broken as there is no way I could have put on 3 pounds yesterday.( I swear those scales nearly went flying out of the window!) I weighed my self ten times and on every available floor space and it still said the same! The only way I could make it read lighter was when I half balanced against the wall, my husband’s  fleeting remark, “You’re only cheating yourself!” did not in any way help! To risk sounding like a broken record, I really can’t have put 3 pounds on! I was really good yesterday and I only had one little slip by eating a piece of birthday cake at our friend’s house last night!

On the positive today, I have realised that at least I am conquering one aspect of my anxiety which is driving! I’ve always struggled with driving! It took me 2 years and 9 attempts to finally pass my test! ( my driving instructor  was desperate to retire but being the kindly fellow that  he was he  vowed to teach us all until we passed! hence me  ending up being the only person on his books for a whole year! He used to say he’d probably never get to enjoy retirement as I’d be the death of him and when I eventually passed he sent me a card saying  “Even though you’ve been a pain in the arse, you’ve got there at last!!)   I used to be scared to drive anywhere and my long suffering husband would always take me on dummy runs before i’d drive anywhere alone.  However I am now so much more confident (Perhaps too confident if we refer back to last week’s speeding ticket!) and there’s not many places I wont drive to now! It’s positive things like this, that I am trying to remember on the days when I’m feeling like i’ve stepped back! It’s really good to remember the positives and not dwell on the negatives!

Weigh 11stone 04 (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)

Monday 30 August 2010

I have a really sore throat tonight and I am sure I have somehow managed to inhale bleach fumes! I have literally been cleaning our house for most of the day while my lovely hubby finished off our new patio garden area! (finished just in time for the winter, I’ll probably be sat on the new bench in the snow just to get to use it! perhaps I can sit out there with some mulled wine!) It all started this morning whilst I was sat watching ‘To buy or not to buy’ and I looked up and realised there were more cobwebs on my ceiling than at any Halloween Party! and where’s there’s cobwebs, there must be big fat hairy spiders, and as  I hate spiders, ( a fear made worse after reading an article  stating, the average person consumes 8 spiders in their lifetime whilst sleeping! Yuk!  I’m sure some things are best kept secret!) I decided to clean, new pink feather duster in hand! It was as I was getting rid of the cobwebs that I noticed the splatters of dog slobber so I figured that I may as well clean the whole house! I usually hate cleaning  and normally only do it when my mum comes to visit, and then there’s a mass panic with a whole lot of hiding stuff in cupboards and the wafting of air freshener to disguise the dog’s BO problem!, but today I was a woman on a mission! (tidy home, tidy mind and all that ! ) I was spurred on by the thought that I would surely be burning off loads of calories! (some of the dog slobber was really ground in and I was sweating like a pig!) I think I was cleaning for around 6 hours! a new personal record! I have even cleaned the skirting boards and inside all the cupboards! Deep down I’m thinking about going back to work on Wednesday. I should have spent the day sorting out my planning file but I thought to myself I couldn’t possibly work in a house filled with tarantulas and so I’d vowed to do my school planning after the house was clean! It’s only now that I’ve realised the planning folder is still not done! I will do it tomorrow!

Weigh 11 stone 02 (still getting over the shock of yesterday’s reading but bit happier today!)

Tuesday 31 August 2010

I have felt a bit on edge to day! not really anxious, more of a nervous feeling! I’m sure it’s because I am bit apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow! I’ve had 6 weeks off and I’m worried that I’ve forgotten how to teach! It’s strange because even though I’ve been teaching for 10 years I still feel a bit of a fraud! as if I’m not a real teacher!  (partly because most teachers my age are very organised and sensible!)I keep waiting for the head to call me into her office and say, “Games up! We know you’re not really qualified!”  saying this, I actually very nearly didn’t graduate as the result of an unpaid library fine! had to do pay for the missing book, (as typically I’d lost it)  before they’d let me get my certificate!

I went for coffee, this morning with my friends. I was very saintly and ordered a flavoured water and fruit bag ! I sat as my friends tucked into the most amazing looking chocolate cake! I practically had to sit on my hands to stop me reaching over and grabbing the cake out of their hands!  No amount of positive thinking could convince me my soggy apple chunk was anything other than plain old dull and boring fruit! Still it’ll all be worth it when I’m thin! When I reach target weight I will celebrate with a whole chocolate cake! (although I guess that’s not really the idea!)

I sorted out my planning file today! I brought a really nice new folder with matching dividers! I spread everything out and spent time blissfully whole punching and labeling! and for about 5 minutes I was the owner of a very organised looking file! It was only 5 minutes because the dogs decided to leap up, obviously annoyed that they were not getting any attention! Let’s just say dog slobber covers a wide area in a very short time!

I didn’t weigh my self today! but it’s surely got to be less ! Fat club tomorrow evening so fingers crossed!

Wednesday 1 September 2010

I very nearly didn’t go to Slimming World tonight because I knew I may be a bit late because I had a session booked with John and also due to a lot of over doing it on the sins this week, including today when me and my friend from work, also called Hannah (my partner in crime) thought we were being clever by sneaking a box of chocolates from the staff room and smuggling them over to my classroom ! We’d already shared a cheese pizza and were happily tucking into the chocolates, thinking that we’d have to eat the whole box as we couldn’t possibly put a half eaten box back in the fridge as then everyone else would realise how greedy we were! It was all going so well when our head teacher walked in. We tried to cover the box with the reading file but unfortunately neither of us had the speed and reflexes required! Our head teacher is super tall and slim! and I swear she has a hatred of all fat people! Her jaw practically dropped to the floor and she said, “Oh no Hannah’s!” but she said it in that kind of devastated tone which you use to talk to your dog, when you’ve had the longest day at work and all you want to do is go home and relax with a glass of wine , but then instead you discover said dog has done the biggest big poo on the carpet and eaten your best shoes! Hannah responded, almost choking on her Turkish delight square with, “It’s alright, we’re both going slimming world tonight!” with me just nodding a bit too over enthusiastically whilst at the same time trying to get the toffee out of my teeth .

I went to the later slimming world session tonight, (with Hannah!) and I can honestly say I haven’t laughed so much in ages! Our leader started off by telling us that the earlier group has a bear ! (remember Will Power?) and would we like one? I think there is now going to be bear rivalry! Our leader is absolutely hilarious and I am so pleased I have found this group, especially now that Hannah has joined too as we can support each other! I am also very proud of myself because I have managed to lose 2 pounds this week! !! (whoop whoop!)

Thursday 2 September 2010

I was so pleased this morning to wake to my alarm,  feeling positive about going to work! I was prepared to feel a bit nervous today as I knew I’d be  meeting my new class but I was actually  pretty chilled! I really enjoyed work and could very quickly see that there are going to be some real characters in my class! (one little girl punched a boy right square in the nose because he’d taken her toy! and another little boy decided to walk out of assembly simply because, quote, “I’ve had enough of this, and it’s boring so I’m going to play in the classroom!” After having a really good day I was disappointed and surprised to feel anxious and really grumpy on my way home! I’ve noticed that when I feel anxious It’s really easy to forget all the times when I’ve felt really relaxed and happy! (like last night when my jaw was aching from all the laughing at slimming world! from everyone trying to come up with names for our new bear whilst also thinking about possible motivational messages that we could record into the bear, so instead of reaching into the biscuit tin, you can give Amay Zing (get it?) a cuddle and listen to, “Little pickers have bigger knickers!” which was just one of many suggestions!) I know John wisely says to accept and to not  question my anxious moments but I can’t help but wonder if today I’m suffering from sugar withdrawal! I was so motivated by my 2 pound loss at slimming world last night that I have literally eaten only 100% healthy foods today! I even sat tonight ,when my inlaws came around for a BBQ ( A kind of opening party for the new patio, except there wasn’t a red ribbon to cut! I did suggest getting some balloons  but it was felt they would be tacky! unlike of course the tottenham and wycombe wanderers themed garden gnomes which apparently are perfectly acceptable!) I can barely believe this but I actually ate a salad and whilst everyone else was tucking into cheesecake, (which is my absolute favourite pudding in the whole world! ) I sat munching on fruit and muller light yoghurt! (There was a quarter left and as my will power disintegrates into mush during the night, I  decided to feed it to the dogs! It was sheer torture watching them gobble it down in one,  probably without even tasting that lovely creamy topping!)

Didn’t weigh my self today as I didn’t want  to burst my happy 2 pound less bubble!

Sunday 5 September

I’ve just got back from Preston! we went there this weekend for one of our uni friend get togethers! We all graduated in 2000 and every so often we all get together! Nothing  has changed apart from now, we all look a little older and some of us fatter! (except one of my friends who is really tall and slim! every time I sat next to her I get the urge to discretely tuck my belly into my jeans!) It’s weird that you can go ages without seeing people and then when you get together it’s like nothing has changed! (except, now we all work in responsible jobs and can’t reenact scenes from Romeo and Juliet over the balcony or participate in water fights, whilst pretending to surf on the breakfast bar at 2 in the morning! and we all now live in nice houses, and no longer together in the slug infested house, which was practically condemned!) We go straight into gossiping and laughing over silly things, reminiscing about old times! It’s brilliant! only trouble is CAKE! and then it doesn’t stop there because just like uni days, the cake led on to a whole selection of yummy food, all washed down with loads of wine! Alcohol destroys all will power! (there should be a health warning on the back stating, ‘This alcohol will erase your mind of all healthy  intentions!) I have been really naughty! but  I have justified it to myself by thinking, we don’t get together very often and I did have a fantastic weekend! I’m dreading weighing myself tomorrow though! I don’t think it will be a very nice start to the day!

Tuesday 7 September 2010

For the past couple of days I have  either learnt a very important life lesson regarding glutany or I have suffered from a sickness bug! (I actualy now know it was a bug , because 3 of the friends I went away with were also struck down, but the lesson has still been learnt!) It all started off with the best of intentions when I left a bar (actually more of a slab!) of whole nut in the fridge for my friend to eat whilst she stayed the night at mine to babysit the dogs whilst we went  away! I know how much she loves chocolate so I got a bit of a shock , although I’m ashamed to admit I was actually rather pleased, when it was still sat in the fridge when I got home! I don’t know wheteher it was the combination of feeling really tired with a killer hangover that drove me over to the dark side! but over the course of the night I actually ate the whole lot! (400gram) and even worse was the fact that I loved every single mouthful! It was about 1 in the morning when I began to wish I hadn’t! I felt so sick, and at first I thought ,” Keep calm, it’s just my inner alien making me feel anxious and a bit sick!”  but then it all started! I was so sick and honestly thought I was dying! I’m never usually sick. (unless we count the few alcohol induced occasions like the last Christmas when the only drink my friend had to offer was sambuca, so me being me thought, “What the heck!” and promptly spent the next few hours hugging the toilet seat!)  My husband compares me being sick to a dinosaur roaring so it wasn’t long before I’d woke him up! It was at that moment, as he was dutifully emptying my bucket when he suggested that instead of being a burst appendix, could it more likely  be linked to the humongous bar of chocolate that I’d gorged?  He then compared me to a child who’d gone to a party and  over excitedly eaten too much jelly and cake!  I don’t know how I managed to go to work  after !  I couldn’t phone in sick because my class of 4 year olds have only been at school for a few days and a supply teacher would have been unsettling! I also had this guilt that it was a self inflicted chocolate hangover! I spent the whole day feeling like I’d been hit by a truck! (a big Cadbury’s delivery lorry!) and I didn’t get much sympathy because I made the mistake of being honest about chocolate gate!

On the positive I have been completely put off chocolate! at this moment in time I never want to eat it again! I hope it lasts! I’ve got slimming World tomorrow night and I have no idea if it will be a happy or traumatic event! It could go either way! I was very bad at the weekend but I was really good last week! fingers and toes crossed!!! I haven’t weighed myself since last week!

Wednesday 8 September 2010

I have just got back from slimming world clutching a certificate complete with one of the nice shiny stickers, saying I’m slimmer of the week! (Yipeee!) and I’ve lost another 2 pounds! I still didn’t get the bear though! apparently you have to do badly to get temporary custody of Amay Zing! (I think the whole chocolate gorging incident was pretty bad but apparantly my need was not as great as the lady who can’t stop eating chocolate peanuts whilst watching corrie!) My husband was in the bath when I skipped through the front door clutching my certificate and basket of fruit! (you win a little hamper too! and I got a selection of apples, pears and oranges. It also contained a lemon which I’m not quite sure what to do with, I mean it’s not like I’m allowed to put it in a gin and tonic! perhaps I’ll suck it when the urge to gorge comes over me!) I answered my hubby’s, “How did you get on then?” and was met with the bemused comment , “Slimmer of the week? everybody else must be  really useless!” I think he was referring to chocolate gate, and I did make the mistake of telling him how all but 2 people had a little gain in last weeks meeting ! (I love it that they refer to it as ‘a little gain!’ as it sounds so much nicer !) I’m really enjoying slimming world, and it’s definitely good to get advice from others! I’m off to buy peppermint tea tomorrow as apparently it will help me with my increasing wind issues!  (as baked beans are unlimited on this diet, I guess it can only be expected!) One lady reassured me that it is really common to suffer with flatulance  and is due to  your body getting  used to eating more fruit and veg, especially for someone like me , as I never  usually eat veg, (despite being vegetarian),  apart from a token sprout at Christmas! She said her husband used to say she wasn’t losing weight, she was simply deflating ! My friend Hannah also lost 3 pounds so she is really happy! She wasn’t allowed to be slimmer of the week even though she actually lost more than me because you have to have been for 2 weeks!

Weigh 11 stone 05 slimming world scales! determined to get in to the 10 stone zone by next week!

Ps I am still very much off chocolate! I haven’t eaten any and the smell of it still makes me want to heave! which is a shame because I’d just brought some really lovely chocolate bubble bath!

Friday 11 September 2010

I have been really busy today! My resolution this school year has been to be more organised and I’m finding this quite difficult! it is so easy to forget things! I’ve found myself  scribbling things down on sticky notes so as not to forget, but then I’m leaving them all around, and so therefore I have brought a new diary! I did buy one before, a really nice one from paperchase but it is A4 size so did not fit in my handbag! (I did consider buying a new handbag, but felt that perhaps this was a tad unnecessary!) I have written everything down and already I’m feeling much better ! such a simple thing and why I didn’t do it sooner baffles me! I am however conscious of the fact that my new diary looks very empty for this weekend! (except for dog walking with my friend!)  I usually panic if my days are not filled as I hate being bored but John suggested trying to keep it free and just go along with what ever happens, and so that is what I’m going to do! It feels really strange but I think it’ll be a really good thing for me to do!

I am still sticking to my diet religiously, (although I am feeling weak and windy today!)  it’s funny how weighing less keeps you on track! I’ve stuck my slimmer of the week certificate on the fridge door!

Friday 17 September 2010

I have had such a busy week ! I think I’m on the verge of forgetting what my house looks like, which could be a good thing as the dog slobber seems to have recovered the walls! and there are fur balls on the floor! My originally empty weekend soon filled up so much that at one point I was actually running from one thing to the next! (was nearly going to dig out my tracksuit, but as it’s still a tad tight I didn’t want to upset myself!) I literally said yes to everything and although I ended up having the best weekend in ages I felt as if I needed another one to recover! My week at work has been the same and I’ve taken on some extra tutoring jobs, a really good thing if I remember my shopping trip last week when I brought the most amazing pair of boots on an impulse because I was so excited about finally managing to pull up a pair of knee high boots over my elephant legs! (I usually experience the horror and embarrassment of skinny shop assistants watching as I desperately tug on zips only to make them move about a cm above my ankle before practically giving myself a heart attack trying to then pull them off, without falling off the stool, and sound convincing when passing them back, “I’m not sure about the colour!” ) The boots are so amazing and even though I had to eat the receipt ( slimming world Sin free!) so my husband wouldn’t see it ,I am feeling very proud of my diet success! I had another eureka moment this week  when I realised I needed to buy a new pair of skinny jeans as mine were getting too big!!! (I swear there were practically angels singing a chorus of hallelughlia  and yippedy doo daa, all around me!) That put me in a fantastic mood all day! I went to slimming world this week and I lost another 2 pounds!

I have been on a first aid course this week for 2 days, (although I very nearly caused an accident on my way there when my car tax disc just decided to fly right out the window! I had to do an emergency stop so I could rummage around in the bush to retrieve it! I should have known better than to buy a cheap disc holder from eBay just because it had a picture of a Neapolitan mastiff on it!) I really enjoyed the course, even though for some reason I simply can not work out how to put on a sling! I think the responsibility has gone to my head though! I keep thinking if I come across an accident I can dive in shouting, “Stand back, I’m a first aider!” I’ve even volunteered to do all the lunchtime first aid at school! as long as no one needs a sling!

I am sticking religiously to my diet and I’m experiencing a whole new feeling! HUNGER! I never used to feel hungry because there would never be enough time between snacks! but I am actually starving for most of the day! my stomach thinks my throats been cut and keeps making the loudest growling noises as if to say “Feed me!” However I am resisting all temptation and I am on the whole feeling much better for it! I still haven’t touched chocolate! and I’m enjoying healthier food! I just need to convince my stomach!

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