Maureen’s blog

I WANT TO FIND OUT WHY I MAKE EXCUSES

Although I am now 74 years old I cannot believe that I am still making excuses to myself as to the reason why I really do not need to lose too much weight.

According to the medical weight charts I should weigh approx 8 and a half stone. I think this loss would be too great, but am I again kidding myself I wonder?   I don’t think so because I do not want to be tripping over my skin if I lose that much and what about the wrinkles, laughter lines are lovely, but prune skin ! I don’t think so.  I already have skin like a dried peach which in a good light can look wise and peaceful, in the harsh light of day this can look creepy or should I say crepey! but prune skin Oh no.   At the moment I feel that to lose 2 stone would be fantastic and this I think will be my aim to start with but I may rethink this later.

I have never been an assertive person, and although confident within myself, outwardly I do not show confidence  to others and never really thought I needed to.  This in later life I am discovering is really another excuse to myself and one which I hope to re-evaluate when I have achieved weight loss.

Another of my excuses if you like, is that I really love cooking and looking after people and FEEDING THEM!!   At the moment I am trying hard to see how I can change this need in me ( do I do  this in order for me to either tuck in with them whilst they are there, or more probably eat the left overs when they are gone.   I sometimes put the left overs in the fridge because it seems shameful to throw them away, under no circumstances are they put there for me to finish up.   During the evening of the first day after visitors have gone, the apple crumble or cheesecake or whatever, I swear actually calls me from the fridge, ‘come along it’s only a little bit left you can always eat less tomorrow to make up for it’   In my head I say no but my two fat little legs walk to the fridge and eat it all up!!   Do I starve my guests and family or really work at making low calorie not fattening food, even for my really thin friends who seem to eat everything in sight, creamy things, dreamy things and worse of all chocolate and can still tuck their tops into their trousers!!    How do they do this?

Perhaps I should stop ‘home cooking’ and then if I bought all ready made items I would certainly not eat so much – another avenue to explore, but what would my husband say to that!! and although I love him dearly should I really let this influence my life  Another excuse, (as if I needed ANOTHER excuse) is that when evacuated during the war from 1939 to 1945 I was made to eat everything put before me, if I did not or could not, then this plate of food was put before me the following meal time, until in desperation I ate the lot, please tells me that this is surely a good excuse, although I know my sensible goody goody brain says, yawn, yawn yet another excuse.

What I now want to change is this negative voice in me which says ,either that I do not need to lose weight, or even more scary, that what does it matter if  am overweight, nobody is going to care, look at me, look up to me, and so I have now found it is perhaps more than just losing weight that I have to   think about and change.  I cannot believe that just writing these few paragraphs is already beginning to change my thoughts.

WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE

I would like to encourage the thought that I want to lose weight for myself, I want to feel more confident when with strangers – friends I have no problem with, once they get to know this little fat thing I have many lasting and worthwhile friendships, but on meeting new people I tend to stay in the background, and let my husband (who is very sociable and confident, do all the talking.    Because of this when we are with people, other than my close friends, I am usually referred to as ‘Peter’s wife’ and this I would like to change and I think with a weight loss this would happen.

WHAT THE OUTCOME WILL BE IS;

1.   Weight loss

2.   Self confidence

3.   Self worth

As we have had visitors for the last few days and we have friends coming for lunch on Tuesday (I know excuses again) I will begin my diary on Wednesday lst September, perhaps a new month a new me.

DAY 1

1 September 2010 – weight  71 kg

I weighed myself this morning and the scales said 71k – I jumped off in horror, this cannot be right.   I then gingerly put one leg back on the scales, whilst balancing by holding on to the door frame, this now read 8k lighter, that is much better I thought.  I then slowly and gently put my other leg onto the scale, oh no back to 71k.   I must now stop weighing myself this way (does anybody else do this or am I a complete idiot?).  I have now come to terms with the scales and they will now be my best friend, although the feeling you get when you have only one leg on really is a lovely one, albeit a fantasy!

Would you believe it on my very first day a friend has phoned and wishes to come to lunch – my husband has gone fishing and I would have sailed through the day eating a light lunch now what will I do?     I decided on a tuna sandwich with brown bread, with the crusts cut off, cut into 6 triangles and it is amazing how you can really feel as if you have eaten far more, this really works for me.  My friend of course thought I had gone crazy serving these small sandwiches, but I just told her I was trying to emulate the Queen and she would enjoy the  fine dining experience.

We had black coffee, no wine (unbelievable and I’m not too sure she will ever come back, but hey I feel sooooo good. Not sure what our supper will be as Peter will not be  in from fishing until about 19:45 and I never know how hungry he will be. I know I should really eat early and not wait for him to come in, but we always eat together and this is one experience I do not want to stop – so I will drink water while I wait and trust that my willpower will last.   Peter arrived home and we had home made shepherds pie.  It is very difficult to calculate the calories in this, but I will  w eigh things from now on.  I also had one small glass of red wine and a pear.

I am not sure whether the feelings I have are down to writing this blog and therefore taking control of my body or whether because it is only the first day, but I feel so confident that this is going to work and the fact that I am declaring all my food/drink intake during the day it does make one consider before going down the boozy, chocolaty path.    Just see what tomorrow brings, with two legs on the scales of course!

DAY 2

2 September  71 kg

I’ve had a good day today, still feeling positive, although a bit obsessed with food.   I seem to be thinking all the time about what to have, when to have it and how much to have.   I’m sure this will change as I progress and learn more about quantities etc.   I was a little dismayed when I weighed myself to find I had lost nothing! – but gave myself a talking to, after all it has only been one day, although in truth it feels longer!  I have not and will not let this get me down or deter me from continuing in my aim to lose 2 stone.   I need to consider whether weighing myself every day is a good thing for me, or perhaps it would be better to weigh say every three days then I would hopefully really see a difference. I need to think about this a little longer.

What I would like to aim for is a complete change in the way I feel and look at food.  I know I sometimes comfort eat, but WHY?  I also feel a need to feed everybody when they visit WHY? I really do love cooking and eating with friends and family and I do not want this to stop – my ideal would be to control  my eating from Monday to Friday and then enjoy my food, in moderation of course (one bar of chocolate instead of three etc) at the weekend and holidays  and if I can achieve this it would be wonderful.

DAY 3

3 September 2010

Weight 70 kg loss of l kg

I am so thrilled to find that I have lost 1 k and I still feel really positive and not too deprived!   I had a good day yesterday.  I did not have the usual black coffee first thing, but had hot water with a lice of lemon and found this really lovely.   I did not feel hungry first thing in the morning so I skipped breakfast – I know this is a no no but it works for me.  I had four scanda crisps (20cal each) and a pot of extra light philly (38 cals) and a black coffee and amazingly this satisfied me.   Peter ate the most delicious piece of blue stilton with crusty bread which didn’t worry me at all, may have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing an eye mask at the time.  This I find is essential if you want to avoid drooling at meal times.  He also finished with crispy crunchy coconut biscuits – this does not worry me at all (and my nose is getting really long now).    We had spagg bog for supper which was made with 20% less fat mince so I felt was quite healthy. I had a low fat yogurt also.

About 9:00 when the munchies really do hit me I had a weight watchers dessert – 58 cals whilst Peter ate a crunchie, the lovely honeycomb smell and the aroma of the wonderful chocolate that emanated from this worried me not (my nose is now 2 foot long)  I was salivating even more than our dog and that is serious.    I also had a small glass of white wine – this was necessary as I had opened a bottle on Tuesday and it would have been wasted (I seem to have reneged on my decision to throw away all left overs, but honestly who in their right mind would throw away good wine, this I don’t think will happen.

I am still feeling positive and not hungry at all, could have something to do with an amazing amount of stored fat which my body is trying to devour.    I have not told any friends that I am on this eating regime and not sure yet if I will. Got to think this one out because why would I not tell them?  I hope that my attitude continues because I do feel so good. I finally feel in control, can this be because I am writing this down each day I will think this out as well.

DAY 4 -

4 September 2010

Weight  -  not weighing myself until Sunday morning

Started the day well with a list of jobs to do, but Peter thought as it was such a lovely day perhaps we could sit in the garden.   For some unknown reason this made me grumpy, usually I am completely happy to do this on a sunny day.   I don’t really know why I was feeling down, but after dealing with several chores which took us up to 12:30 I decided I would go into the garden.   Just about to settle down when a friend phoned, she had just come back from America and wanted to come round to see us.   When she came she had brought the largest box of maltesers that I have ever seen and a Hershy Bar for me and a bottle of rum for Peter!   These goodies are now in the cupboard (except Peter’s rum of course)  and I absolutely refuse to hear their plaintive cries “eat me, eat me”     To deal with this I have placed am imaginary lock on this box of maltesers and swallowed the key!!   I will let you know if this works, or whether I will breaking my finger nails trying to undo the box, anyway I am convincing myself that this is going to work.

My friend had arrived at 12:55 and had not eaten lunch, I therefore made her and Peter a cheese and salad sandwich and myself a similar sandwich with very little cheese and all crusts cut off and cut into six little tiny squares.   I had a small glass of white wine (to finish the bottle, which is now empty, am I going to resist opening another bottle? watch this space)) and was quite satisfied.   During the course of the afternoon Peter and my friend drank alcohol, but I managed to survive on Elderflower cordial (24 cals per serving) which I enjoyed.   At supper time the friend was still here and I was going to prepare a large meal, but then thought I would not have prepared a large meal had we been on our own so instead I prepared jacket potatoes, filled with onions and bacon and cheese (mine had very little cheese).      We had ice cream for pudding, again I had a   small portion.     I continued to drink black coffee during the rest of the evening.

After set back at the beginning of the day I was pleased with how I had handled my day and am  mentally back on track and feeling good.  I am particularly pleased about the food preparation for our guest, because at the end of the meal she was satisfied and said it was lovely, if you knew my friends you would know that they are completely honest and would have made all sorts of rude, insulting comments if they had thought the meal was rubbish.   This has made me again think, am I feeding them lavishly for my own satisfaction?    I would like to thank John for suggesting I write a blog it really does help and makes you think and I seem to be finding issues I have that I was not even aware of, more of this later!  At munchy time I had a weight watchers pot 58cals.

DAY 5

5 September 2010 -  weight 69.9

Although I am pleased that I am losing, today I have quite a bad headache and did not sleep too well last night, so at the moment I’m feeling vulnerable, in as much as it would not take much to persuade my body that this is doing me no good.   Of course I know this is stupid and another one of my famous excuses.   However, I do think that perhaps I am not eating enough calories. I have restricted myself each day to just under 1000cals and one day even less than this. I will see how today goes before I decide. I still feel motivated and not really missing ‘naughty foods’ as much as I thought I would.  John has helped here, I once told him that each lent I give up sweets, biscuits, cakes etc and never ever waiver from this decision, but come East Sunday I have a Chocolate Derby day, he told me once to tell myself that each day was Lent and then I would not be tempted, believe me this has worked.

I must say the devil has whispered in my ear a couple of times, but I just kicked him to the kerb!!  I am also pleased that I can watch Peter eat things which I consider ‘drooling food’ and I am coping with this without making him eat his in the garden with the dog!   Another thing this exercise has encouraged me to do, is find things to do, rather than watching TV – I usually only watch tv from about 6:00pm which I thought I was happy to do, but now I find that I need to be doing something and I am liking this.

DAY 6

Feeling much better today. Did loads of gardening and feel good. I have now told some friends that I am trying to eat more sensibly, but I will still cook nice things when they call!!   (I just can’t help myself – and I really do like cooking).   Although it has only been a week I feel very confident that this is going to work and am no longer obsessed with worrying about what to eat.    John has suggested that I give my gift of maltesers away to a thin friend.  This would, however, be rather unkind.  Do they want a body like mine? I may really test myself to the limit and get them out next time thin friends come around!    It will be a good test, because no person has ever been able to snatch a bag of maltesers from me in the past without being scratched or bitten!

Now I also feel that because I am so determined this eating regime is going to work, I am starting to believe in myself and therefore gaining the self worth I know I have been lacking all of my life.    This is a new experience for me.  I’m sure lots of people who know me think I am quite confident and sure of myself, but I know that I am not, or make that was not. I had coffee this afternoon with a friend.  She got out a big jar of biscuits, but I declined automatically. She also then got out a large dish of peanuts, which I declined, although I must say that the dish being under my nose, the smell was heavenly. To be honest I was tempted to have one, but we all know one leads to one hundred and one and I soon got over the need. Came home and cooked a chicken curry with a small portion of rice. Munchie time – one low fat yogurt.

DAY 7

7 September – weight 69.9

Took Annie (dog) for walk along the beach, lovely morning and really enjoyed being out for an hour and a half.    In the afternoon went to our singing club.  Every 3rd week it is our turn to cook a meal for two friends who belong to the club.    This is usually hard because we have a drink before dinner, with dinner and after dinner.  I also cook more food than normal including a pudding.    However, today I had a tonic water with ice and a slice so that my friends didn’t feel as if I wasn’t drinking, although I have explained to them that I am trying a different drinking/eating regime.      After three tonics I really felt as if I had been drinking, not in an intoxicating way, but psychologically and I did not miss it all which did surprise me.  I even went to bed and momentarily thought ‘I wish I hadn’t drunk so much’  I swear this is true, think of the money I will save to say nothing of the wear and tear on my liver.  Very happy about this, although I may get quinine poisoning !!    I cooked a beef stew with dumplings which I do not like very much, so I just had the meat and gravy whilst the others tucked into their dumplings!   We had fresh pineapple and ice cream for pudding – this means that I was able to keep to my 1000 cals.  Still feeling amazingly focused.     Now that I have completed my first week I have decided not to do a daily blog, but pop in now and again to keep me focused and make a note of my progress.

13 September 69.9

I had a lovely day yesterday visiting a Goose Fair – it was very relaxed day spent with friends.      We stopped for coffee and they all had cream teas – I opted for a tuna sandwich, but alas they hadn’t any tuna and I ended up with Cheese, half of which I gave to Peter so not too bad.  I thought the cream tea might phase me, but was amazed to find that it didn’t worry me at all. in fact I have gone off of cream altogether.      The evening was harder as we had chinese take away in a friends house.  I picked my way through but when weighing my self today I had in fact put on weight and was back  to 69.9.    Again this has not phased me as I am so confident and feel so good that I accept this as just a special day and this will happen now and again.      I had not had a drink for 3 weeks, but last night, as it was our friends anniversary (this sounds another Maureen excuse!!) I had two glasses of wine and a gin and tonic.

Still feeling really good and very pleased with myself -  and John of course!!

3 October – weight 67.70

I can’t believe that I have not blogged since 13th September!!   It is amazing how losing just this relatively small amount of weight has changed my outlook.Just the fact that I am able to get into clothes which have hung in the wardrobe because they were too tight or made me look like the incredible hulk on a good day! has boosted my confidence and I feel really, really good.    It has also amazed me to realise that my lack of confidence, self worth etc is certainly related to my being overweight and I cannot believe that it has taken all this time to realise it.    I have yo yo dieted all my adult life more or less and never managed to keep any of the weight loss.    I am keeping to 1000cals per day, but if I have a drink or we eat out or at friends, I don’t beat myself up about it, but consider the calories and find I can still eat tasty things and now don’t even crave the creamy things as I once did.   This does not mean that I have given up everything!    I still have chocolate each day, a bar of Cadburys (110 cals for a small thin bar) I find this is satisfying the chocoholic in me and I don’t miss any other sweets.   The maltesers which were under lock and key have now been given away and I found this easy to do (I should mention here that this eating regime turns one into a little liar) of course it was not easy are you mad!!!   I also don’t keep thinking that I wont suceed with my weight loss or find excuses for eating just that one creamy cake etc as I have done in the past.  I have at last convinced myself that I want to lose weight for me, I want to have the confidence for me and I want most of all to love myself and these are feelings which I have not experienced before.

6 November 2010 – 66k

I have now lost almost one stone and gone down one dress size – it has taken longer than I thought and a few times I did become just a tad anxious, but then suddenly it all started to move again and I am well and truly on track.     Actually I don’t find myself obsessed with food and can quite easily give Peter whatever he wants to eat and happily prepare myself something more suitable, and indeed enjoy it more than I thought possible.      It has made an enormous change in me.   I am confident now when meeting new people and cannot believe that it is just because I have lost these few pounds.    Indeed I feel that it is not just losing the weight, it is because I now love myself, as I have never done before, I believe in myself and everything I am doing and achieving is for myself and this is quite a new experience for me.     It would not be true to say that I don’t sometimes look at some food with longing, but this soon passes and it is amazing how very much like a cream doughnut you can make a carrot look if you really try and have rose coloured specs!!!

Hopefully I will continue to lose a little more weight.  I do not want to lose too much  because tripping over my flabby wrinkled skin is not an image I want to encourage.   My main aim was to prove to myself that I could commit myself to this effort and like myself a little more and to this end it has been very successful and I have to thank John for his  quiet encouragement and support, knowing that he was there has made a tremendous difference to my approach .    I know that I will continue with this eating regime, although not denying myself or making myself into a diet freak!   A freak I may be, but a diet one – oh no!

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