Suzie’s weight loss blog

My name is Suzie and I am ready to change my life. I am going to use this blog as a way of recording my progress as I change my life. I am going to face up to the things I know I need to do and log my thoughts and feelings as I do so.

What I want to change about myself is:

To lose weight and not to let people and situations rule my emotions.

The long term outcome I am looking for is…  to lose around 8 stone and to feel more confident in myself and my abilities, also not to be such a negative person about life and people in general. To be a good role model for my daughter and step-daughter.

My initial goals are:

• To lose 2 stone by the end of the year

• To lose another 3 stone by may of next year: Because i am getting married and want to feel comfortable and amazing on the day.

• To be well on the way to feeling more relaxed and positive by the end of the October 2010: Because i have had enough of being the person i am now…

• To be in a more happier place by the end of the year: Because i think my family and i deserve to benefit from the changes i want to make to myself…

So, here goes…

Day 1

Thursday September 30th 2010

Wow finally plucked up the courage to sit and start my blog and write my aims for the near future, so it means the gloves are off! I have learnt so much in the last few weeks about myself and what makes me who i am and what i don’t want to be. It seems so clear right now and i cant believe it has taken me so long to get here, but i have, so that is a very positive step, a very big step. I started weight watchers a few weeks before i started seeing John and wasn’t doing very well but after buying the best bookintheworld and have set my mind to finally getting on withitihavelost6 pounds in the last two weeks and i am very happy with that. I am hoping to do the same next week so fingers crossed! I have had a good week so far and its amazing how writing everything you eat down and working out your calorie intake makes it so much easier and very interesting to. I have a fantastic friend who ( has a lovely figure and only needs to lose about a stone) is very supportive and also writes down what she eats and works out the calories so i feel like imnotalone. We see a lot of each other during the week as we both have little girls the same age, so that has really helped me to.

I know that my weight is only a symptom of  what really lies beneath me and i am feeling very positive about finally getting to the bottom of things and moving on with my life.

Well that wasn’t so bad, feel liked Ive waffled a bit but guess that’s what these blogs are for!! Here’s to another good day tomorrow!!

Day 2

Today i weighed myself on my mum and dads scales and according to them i have lost another 2 pounds!! so well on the way to my target for next week!! am very pleased with this. I have had another good day (with food)

Tonight i had a little falling out with my partner and his ability to support me with all of this, specially the food side of things, but then thought perhaps i have to high expectation of him and people in general. If i don’t always no what i want and need (which is very often) how can i expect people to know what to say or do? I find this all very frustrating but since seeing John i have been working very hard to not fly off the handle ( sometimes at thing that are so small and silly i feel embarrassed thinking about it) normally with my partner.

I am going to set myself a new goal to start on Monday and that is to try every evening to do at least half and hour on my exercise bike while listening to Johns recordings as i never quite seem to make time to listen to them except when driving to my appointments with John. So will be killing two birds with one stone!!

Day 3

What is it that happens when you go to bed in a fairly good mood but wake up feeling numb, low and agitated??  yep that’s what happened to me today. I have wanted to pick at food all day long but i didn’t which is really good but it doesn’t feel really good to me today. I just want to go buy all the bad naughty foods and pig out so i feel slightly better for a little while, but then feel ten times worse after….so i am now looking at the alternatives of really bad things to what is not so bad so i can feel like I’ve had something, which in a way is a positive step because a few weeks ago i wouldn’t have even thought about it…but is this still giving in??

Was it that little tiff with the hubby last night that i thought we had sorted still playing on my mind?? or just that today has been a bad day. I’m feeling sorry for myself which is just silly as i have no reason what so ever to feel that way, perhaps its because i feel I’m missing out because iv had to think about what I’m not allowed to eat or shouldn’t eat?? Can it really be that  food affects me in this way?? I think tonight i will listen to a recording to see if that will help me to relax and have a brighter day tomorrow?? I’m not looking forward to tomorrow already which i guess is a bad thing already…hubby is going back to work tomorrow and i feel weekends just don’t have a purpose sometimes in the week everyone is just getting on with there day to day thing work, kids etc then weekend is family time…see silly cause i do have a family a beautiful little girl and a wonderful step daughter.. Ive just thought maybe it could be something to do with the fact that the weekends we have my step daughter hubby is usually off and i feel like a proper little family with things to do etc then the next weekend i feel quite lonely.. maybe.. I think maybe i think to much!!!!

Day 4

Today was a better day, didn’t get to listen to john last night cause i fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Its pretty sad i know but today was the first time i cooked a (mini) roast dinner for just my daughter and i and i really enjoyed it, i even made Yorkshire pudding for the first time and it was just right!! my daughter waft it down even eating mine, probable a bonus as its not the healthiest!! I haven’t picked at all today, and after my blip last night of a glass of wine and a whole big  bag of cheese puffs that’s a good day!! Fingers crossed it doesn’t affect my weigh-in tomorrow night to much!! I don’t usually drink at home its just i had a bottle left from a girls night last week so will make sure i don’t have any in for future blip days!!:)

Ive tried not to think much today and have just gone with the flow hence a day at home in scruffs doing nothing more than dinner playing and watching cbeebies!!! great channel so its been a good day just being in the world of my 2 year old! She really is my world and i so want to protectherfromallthe bad things in the world and i get quite scared that I’m not going to be able to. But then with the new tools i am gaining from john hopefully i will be able to prepare her the best i can.

Day 6

I cant believe what i just did i spent an hour and 20 mins writing today’s blog and went update post and then it was gone all of what i written all gone!! i am absolutely gutted! i cant even begin to retype what i put cause it just came! it all made so much sense i am so upset now the voices are going made at me!!

Day 8

Well i have finally got over my error of Tuesday night!! hope it doesn’t happen again! Tuesday started in quite an agitated mood but after my session with John i was feeling very good. I even started my exercising that night, i did 20 mins on my bike, burnt 163 calories and did 5 miles. I weighed in at ww on Monday and i had lost another 2lbs.

Tonight i did another 20 minsandburnt175 calories and did 5.5 miles so was happy with that. I also weighed myself today and i was 20st 5lbs so have lost another 3 since Monday and i am well chuffed!!

Last week towards the end i fell into the trap of not writing down what i was eating as i had gottontothe stage i always seem to reach and that was, giving up cause i couldn’t be bothered and in that frame of mind its like, who was i kidding i couldn’t really do it etc… but with the help of a very good friend and John i have managed to pull myself out of that, which is absolutely amazing because it has never been done before!!!

I cant believe how much more aware of myself and my feeling i am and its like for the first time i am actually taking control of what and how i feel (most of the time) i have had a very positive end of the week and i am actually looking forward to the weekend. Maybe cause we have my step-daughter and hubby is off ! I want to start looking forward to things again i want to start enjoying things again instead of just feeling numb all the time. Before i starting seeing John i was happy about getting married but just couldn’t seem to get excited about it, my friends would say wow are you excited… and i wasn’t it was more like….are we gonna be able to save enough to pay for it, do i deserve it…i wont look nice…will everyone like what is done…there so much to organise and the list of negatives goes on, and i know i still have a long journey ahead of me but to understand what is happening in my mind makes it seem alot less scary and i am very sure that it will be a wonderful day and we will all have a fantastic time and best of all i will have a husband who i love very much at the end of it!!

I have spent along time getting annoyed, angry, frustrated, cross, sad withthings that are out of my control and speaking withJohn has made me see this as such a waste of time and energy and really just no good for me. When i first saw John i thought i dealt withthings in a ok way the best i knew how to, and it wasn’t until i really looked hard that i saw things i didn’t like and that is that i fly off the handle (mostly withmyhubby) so quickly. He was diagnosed with aspergus syndrome a few months ago and we had been waiting for the diagnosis for well over a year and i thought (which was really silly) that after we got it things would be so much better, so much easier. Don’t know what world my head lives in sometimes. Obviously this was not the case. But it was only speaking to John that made me see what is the point of getting worked up and stressed over thing i cannot change or are out of my hands. I have also realised that i have to let go of the fact that hubby cant support me in the way that i would like and that this is his allowable weakness. The positives about my hubby by far outweigh the negatives, like he tells me i look lovely every day, even noticing if iv made a little extra effort, my response to this is either to pretend i didn’t hear or just mumble which upsets him, quite rightly to. So i am going to set another target of just saying thank you whenever he tells me this. I don’t believe it now but hopefully one day i will!!

My targets for next week:

To carry on writing down what i eat.

To carry on doing my exercise.

To have a positive outlook of the week trying not to fall back into negativity.

To stay as stress free as possible!

Day 10

I have had a great couple of days food and mind wise. Yesterday we picked up my step daughter and she wanted a mcdonaldsfordinner so we went and got one but all i had was a diet coke!! i did pick at a few chips but this would never had been heard of going back a few weeks! It may seem like a small thing but it really wasn’t and i enjoyed my tuna sweetcorn and mayo jacket potato with cucumber so much more, it lasted longer tasted great and filled me up for longer!!! wow i thought there would never be a day i said that!! I also realised last night that i haven’t picked in the evening apart from the odd low calorie snack for the last three weeks and again this is a really big thing, as my hubby works nights its my real weakness, and i haven’t even missed it! Its like i would say to myself well cause I’m on my own it was ok cause i was making up for him not being there and it was something to do something to look forward to, but inevitability it plays a big part in my weight and the way i feel about myself  so in the long run doesn’t help! wow prehaps iv had a brain all along and just never use it!!

I’m really enjoying cooking meals for the family,don’t get me wrong i always have i just mean cooking things from scratch and its alot healthier that way. Hubby and kids are loving it too!

I had a few sweets today but have counted them in my calories and its surprising how many calories they have. Just goes to show that guessing really isn’t a good idea, cause i like to have a guess before i lookand i am normally way out or way over! Didn’t get to exercise last night or tonight but will definitely do some tomorrow. I had a meeting withthedisco people today for my wedding and then had a chat about how things are going with my mum whats left to sort out etc… still have to work on the old, its going to be ok and I’m worth  it thing cause it sends my mind into overdrive!

I’m going to set another target for myself and that’s because i spent time yesterday sorting a load of things out. My problem is instead of dealing with things as and when the arise or drop through the letterbox i just shove them in the draw and leave them until it drives me crazy and makes me feel low and again this is something i do to myself, not as i used to say “why did they have to sent that to me, why do they have to do that etc”  So as John said its about taking control. So i am going to deal with things as and when they arise an this will be breaking a life time habit of, if i cant see it and i try not to think about it, is not really there, but i know it is and i do it to myself time and time again, it seems so simple now so obvious, but have only just seen it… or wanted to own up to it maybe…

Oh and today my book arrived, worriers settlers and nomads cant wait to get stuck into it!

Day 12

Not long got back from weight watchers and i lost 2lb this week, was quite disappointed once again, as have worked hard the last week done some exercise, admittedly not as much as i had planned but more than usual. I have had it put into perspective by my ww buddy’s and if i can lose 7lb every 4 weeks i can lose up to 4 stone by the wedding and hopefully be a size 16! So after thinking about it i feel this is a great goal to aim for so will no longer be unhappy about 2lb per week!!!

I didn’t do exercise last night as yesterday i woke up feeling sick had a 24 hour thing so didn’t have the energy. Will get straight back onto it tomorrow thought!

DAY 14

There used to be a time when i had alotofspare time of an evening but since i have been writing this blog the time has flown by and i don’t seem to be able to make time to write on it… or maybe i haven’t made the time unconsciously??….. I have had quite a low feeling week so far nothing i can really put my finger on…maybe because i am tired i haven’t been sleeping very well but its not the usual mind games i play with myself its just not really being able to switch off about things that have happened that day or what i have to do the next day. I feel like i have come along way and am very conscious of what i am thinking and doing  so am still in the observer point of view i think. I haven’t been listening to the recordings and i know that’s probably a big part because i am moving onto 6 7 …. but i have made a positive step today by going out and buying my own mp3 player so i can down load them onto there, then i have access to them at all times and am not restricted like i have been.

I feel like maybe i am fighting with myself on the inside, that part of me doesn’t want to go any further and i know i must override this and i will iv come to far to go back now, but still it don’t make it any easier. I feel like i am pushing everybody away this week and not really to sure why?? I have wrapped myself in the world of my daughter very much, also trying to work out what it is i am feeling but as John has said perhaps i just have to go with it and see where it takes me, perhaps its a stop at one of my stations on my journey….. I have still been good food wise, i am far to conscious about not letting that slip so am happy with that. I have also sorted out a load of paperwork and issues regarding different things so that’s good also. Then on the downside i haven’t done any exercise on my bike this week but have done lots and lots of walking, well for me any way!! i think the wheels on my daughters buggy are thinking what the hell!! it does feel good doing that walking but it isn’t very comfortable all the time as my body struggles to waddle the whole 20 stone of me around!! but it will only get easier.

So just looked back at my targets i set last week and, i have wrote down what i am eating, i am not stress, and i don’t feel negative, but i haven’t exercised and haven’t been upbeat, so am i falling into the category of not really feeling anything …yes i think so….so what do i do with that??

Just thought of an example of me.. what sums me up the old me.. Yesterday my sister rang me and said she had seen a job at her boyfriends work place in a private health care hospital, for a part time hair dresser good money for only 25 hours a week doing the patients and staff hair in a salon in the grounds, i qualified as a hairdresser when i was 19 and worked in a salon for a few years did a good job but had to much responsibility put onto my shoulders to early eg running the salon on my own while the boss went on holiday baring in mind i was new out of collage imnot saying i did a bad job because by far i didn’t but the pressure got to much for me and as a result i left and pursued a new career working withchildren, but have always done friends and families hair. So about a year ago i thought it would be ideal withhavinga small child to get back into it doing mobile and by word of mouth, haven’t done to badly i even did a refresher course in Jan of this year. This is because the idea of working in another salon scares me, so this job would be slightly different as its not just off the street ect but god the list of reasons as to why i shouldn’t/couldn’t do it are as follows:

what if i cant do what someone asks me to…i don’t know enough about the products anymore…i have forgot all i was taught in collage….i wouldn’t be good enough….what if i got things wrong…they wouldn’t want to employ me…I’m not up to date and current enough…i just cant do it….I’m not good enough…I’m a fake….i wouldn’t enjoy it anyway…and on and on

The stupid thing is i do lots of my friends and there friends and families hair and my own families hair and unless people are lying, have generally liked what i have done if not i have changed or corrected it. I can do the basics of colouring but because i don’t know the ins and outs of it which i wouldn’t because it takes years of practise and experience to gain all there is to know, plus it is constantly changing with the times etc then i worry about it even doing my friends and family hairs…even thought i would never take on something i wasn’t 100% certain i could do…

So im thinking i could apply and probably get an interview but then what the hell would i do, what would i say, what if they asked me questions i couldn’t answer?? like what does coshh mean? but i as quite impressed when i thought about it last night and remembered it was, control of substances hazardous to health!!   So i just let things go in my life now and always because it scares me and i don’t think imcapable, and its only me who doesn’t believe in myself. I think this stems back to my childhood and growing up as i never felt good enough or what i achieved was good enough, like i never quite made the mark. (Only as i got older did i see that its just me that sets this terms and condition) I spent years at school never quite living up to my older sister, as some teachers used to tell me, as i was only a year behind her and she along withmyyounger sister seemed to have stole all the clever academic genes in my family leaving me with none!

Well i have cheered myself up a bit and am going to bed with a smile on my face!!

Tuesday 19th October:

I cant believe it has been nearly a week since i last wrote! I lost a 1lb last night at wwandam pretty pleased with that as i had a fairly bad weekend, it was my sisters birthday, so cake, then my other sister and partner came round  and cooked a meal which wasn’ttobad, but the bottle of wine i had with it wasn’t so good! then my mum cooked a fantastic roast dinner and i had bread and butter pudding! oh dear!! and also last week i started slipping and started picking at my daughters dinners again and also stopped weighting out every time and started guessing the calories!! so a big down wood spiral starting….. But i have seen it, caught it, and am acting on it!! so back to it!! 

Since i last wrote i have made a fair few big decisions. I was saying about a job and that i had no confidence in my ability to be a hairdresser and i really thought about what i could do to change this… and have made a decision to go back to collage and retrain so i can then get a part time job in a salon. I am waiting to here back from the collage to see if i would be able to get on this year or would have to wait till next year, either way is fine by me.  We have also planned to wait to have another baby untill i have retrained and have been working in a salon for a year or so, so i can really build up my knowledge,experiance and confidence, this means there will be quite a age gap between our youngest and the next one but i feel ok with this.

Those are the positives of the week. Now the negatives, i havent been able to listen to any recordings this week as i brought the crappiest mp3 player there is (thats what get your monies worth means!!) so cant get them to run in order and havent a screen to see what they are so just a night mare! Have listen to a couple of hypnotherapy recordings as have still been finding it hard to get to sleep some nights…This brings me to my next negative and that is that i have been letting people and situations rule my feelings and emotions once again this week and just cant seem to shake it off…Why am i so bothered by what people think of my and what they might be saying about me, because these people are no longer in my life but are still around and it drives my crazy sometimes thinking about what they are saying, its just stupid mother playground antics, and what makes me laugh the most is my daughter isnt even at school yet!!!!!! I hate the fact that i got drawn in and trusted people and thought they were my friends when clearly they were not! but i let my guard down and this is where it got me. I was bullied all throughout my school years and as a result found it very hard to trust people and sustain friendships because all i saw in people were the negatives, the ways they can hurt you, the ways they can let you down and so on… but i do now know that i made these rules and conditions and was the one that couldntlet go of them, but i did when i moved to this area 2 half years ago with the view to start again i let these people in and trusted them. Then i have made a few very good friends one in particular who had made me see that not all people are bad and that friends are definitelyworth having, something upto a few years ago i would have totally disagreed with. So it seems very much like you have to sieve through the rubbish to find the gold (like any relationship really) and i have obviously done that but then how do i get rid of the feeling i am left with for letting people in who have hurt me???  I also have a sister that is caught up in all of this also which at times makes it unbearable as she was the one who pushed me to go out there and make friends when i first got here perhaps now on hindsight it was to get rid of me…and now im just getting all depressed thinking about it. My mum says i shouldnt let it get to me as life is to short and i know this really but its hard really hard. But then thinking about it if  i went back to collage and then to work it would give me another focus and i could just get on with my life and forget them, but then i feel guilty because thats like saying my daughter isnt enough  and that really hurts because she is my everything along with hubby and step-daughter so i get so frustrated about letting these small minded people effect me so much!!! arrrrggggg….. Another sad thing is that all this makes me worry that maybe the friends that i do have ( and dont feel i deserve and wonder why they like me) could hurt me to, so i pull away and try to think i don’t need them which is just ridiculous as my life is so much richer with them in it and i just make myself sad doing so!!  I suppose the positves to all this is that i can see it all and know what im doing, its just a matter of changing they way i see and deal with things, people and situations!!

My goals for this time next week;

To lose 3lb next monday

To sort something out where the recordings are concerned

Spend time with my friends

To try to be upbeat and positive

To find out about when and where i can start collage

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